The Daily Show
Transcript below first appeared on alt.tv.xena and was transcribed by ziggr@best.com
22 October 1997
Lucy Lawless appeared on Comedy Central's The Daily Show. She was animated,
impish, and hammed it up for the audience. Craig Kilborn, seemed to get
along quite well for a person who hasn't seen the show 30 or 40 times like
most of the folks on alt.tv.xena.[Numbers that look like times are times into the show. Just so you can tell
how long the five-minute interview took, as well as to help me if I ever get
ambitious enough to merge this transcript with some screen captures for an
HTML page --Z]
Pat O’Brien (from Access Hollywood) comes up from the audience for a little
witty repartee with Craig Kilborn. [I can’t see “Pat O’Brien” without
thinking “Pat O’ Butter”. Call me defective –Z]15:20
Craig Kilborn asks Pat O’Brien to do read the intro for Lucy Lawless:
CK: Show us the network read for Lucy Lawless. This is Pat O’Brien.
POB: With a wink?
CK: Yeah. The charm. The twinkle.
POB: All right. [In “network announcer voice”] My guest tonight is a pop
culture phenomenon who stars in a [pause and a coy tilt of the head] little
show that airs in syndication and is called Xena: Warrior Princess [gazes
into the camera]
CK: No, I...you’ve lost it. [Laughter]
POT: I have?
CK: Here’s Xena, simply being Xena[Clip from “The Furies”: Xena fighting Ares, ending with Xena jumping in the
air and kicking Ares repeatedly while pushing him backwards]16:30
CK: [Shouting over the applauding audience] “This is Lucy Lawless!”
Lucy Lawless come out in blue jeans (or are they “dungarees” when worn by a
Kiwi? :-) and an “Army of Darkness” T-Shirt. She wears her hair straight,
with a square cut mane (great, now I’m copying Robert E. Howard). As she
approaches Craig Kilborn, you can hear her ask :
LL: How do I do it?
She stands in front of Craig Kilborn who asks:
CK: No hug?
LL: Do you want a hug?
Craig Kilborn gives her a light, awkward hug, Lucy Lawless barely pats him
on the back before making a silly face for the audience and letting go. A
brief moment of confusion passes, and they sit at the Daily Show desk,
laughing.16:45
CK: That is so cool! I...
LL: How do I do that?
CK: Yeah! Obvious question, how do you do that?
LL: I leave that up to a very capable stuntwoman who sits around in
fiberglass underwear and wires and gets lifted up and does all that nasty
old work for me.
CK: That is so cool. Fiberglass underwear.
[Audience laughs]
LL: Fiberglass underwear. You too...you too can have a pair.17:00
CK: It’s a...here’s the thing. I haven’t seen the show enough...of it
LL: [Showing mock offense] But I watch your show every day! [Rolls eyes
upward, audience laughs]
CK: Thank you. It’s the Daily Show, I know that. I almost believe you. But
the question I have, for Xena, do you have to be a lesbian to watch the
show? Or can I... [Audience laughs]
LL: ...or bi, or...No, no holds barred. [Mumbling and looking downwards] We
do actually welcome, um, heterosexuals. {Audience laughs] [Looking and
shouting directly into the camera] If they must!17:40
CK: You’re from Australia.
LL: Wrong.
CK: Okay, where are you from?
LL: I’m from New Zealand.
CK: New Zealand! Well, whatever.
LL: It’s a long way away.
CK: Mister Research doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Do you have special powers?
LL: In real life?
CK: Xena. Does Xena?
LL: Oh, Xena, no. I have one or two, but...
CK: Would you like to elaborate on that?
LL: I’ll show you later.
CK: Okay!
[Audience howls]18:00
CK: Now actually, I heard, I heard you’re getting married soon.
LL: I am getting married. Probably early next year.
CK: It’s not someone in the industry, it’s not...it’s just a nice man
outside of the industry.
LL: [Looking at Craig Kilborn as if he’s completely daft] It’s somebody in
the industry, yes, your researcher surely has done their job.
CK: It’s not somebody on the show.
LL: [Realizing her leg’s being pulled] Look at him, he knows very well. Yes,
it is in fact, the...
CK and LL together: Executive producer!
[Audience laughs]
LL: You know what though? I feel like all this Xena business just started so
that...I mean, it’s just fake. You know, I just feel like it all happened so
that we could get together, ‘cause he’s just the finest man I ever met, and
we’re very very happy.
CK: That’s beautiful.
LL: Thank you.
[Audience applauds, LL mock sobs and wipes away nonexistent tears from her
eyes]18:40
CK: But other men have asked you out?
LL: Only two. Only two in nine years...
CK: No, really?
LL: ...have had the guts to ask me out. One was Troy the refrigerator
installation man. [Audience laughs, so does LL] With workman’s cleavage at
the back of his trousers. And one was Donald Trump!
CK: [Howls] How was that with the Donald?
LL: You know...
CK: Did you say yes, or...?
LL: I have to say....No I didn’t. This was only a few weeks ago, and sadly,
I was involved. [Audience applauds]
LL: But! I’ve got to give the guy credit, you know. He asked me, “well, are
you seeing somebody?” and I said yes, and immediately he backed off. And I
saw him a few days later and I told him that there was no way in the world
that I *wasn’t* going to tell people that Donald Trump had asked me out.
CK: So you would have gone out with him. [Quietly] That’s disgusting.
[LL looks at the audience and raises her left eyebrow]19:30
CK: Here, can I show something? [Reaches off camera and fetches a Xena
action figure]. This is the Xena doll, which is lifelike. [Camera zooms in
on doll on desk while CK holds it up] It’s got the weapons and it’s got all
this stuff and it’s uh, real...[rips off the outer, red plastic portion of
its costume] Oh, god!
[Audience laughs]
LL: Look at that!
CK: I am so embarrassed, how did that happen [Turns the doll around so we
can all see the doll stripped down to its minimal leather costume]
LL: [Shouts/screeches] They just fell off! [Mumbles] I dunno, she was doing
the national anthem or something.
[Audience either misses, fails to react, or doesn’t have enough time to
react to LL’s mumble before CK asks:]19:45
CK: Are you ready for 5 Questions?
LL: I am! I am! Please! Please! [Sits up, pats the desk]
[5 Questions graphic rolls by]
CK: I’ll just uh, just put this right in here [puts Xena doll in his jacket’
s inside left pocket.] Can I keep that? The doll?
LL: [Stops drinking from her mug] You may. Can I have one of your action
figures?
CK: Not yet! [To staff off camera] When are we going to get that?
LL: [Mocking, to the audience] He doesn’t have an action figure! [Wipes
another fake tear away]
CK: I don’t have a lot of things.20:10
CK: Geography: What was know as the most lawless town in the Old West?
LL: Was it Shiloh?
CK: Oooh.
LL: Shiloh sound like an Old West...
CK: Dodge City [Buzzer] These are tough.
LL: Dodge City. Is that like Detroit?
CK: No.
LL: Isn’t that where Dodges are made?
CK: No. That’s cool, I like that.
LL: You can have that one.CK: What Beatles song did Elton John cover and take to number 1?
LL: [thinking]
CK: For Lucy Lawless
LL: [Figures it out, singing] Lucy in the Sky, with Diamonds
CK: Correct! [Bing]
LL: I’m trying to get the Beatles to do that one, yeah.
CK: That’s good! Good!CK: Are you familiar with the Peanuts comic strip? Who...
LL: The what?
CK: Peanuts [Grimaces]
LL: Oh, yeah, yeah.
CK: Who often reclined on Scroeder’s piano?
LL: Lucy! [Bing]
CK: Yes, yes. Very good.CK: What’s your favorite American fast food?
LL: Actually, that would be Mexican, can’t say that. Uh, can I say Tex-Mex,
does that count?
CK: Sure, you can say that. Incorrect! [Buzzer] Quarter Pounder with cheese.
LL: [Looks at CK with incredulity] Why would I....Hang on. Why would you
write that answer for me?
CK: Because it’s uh...it’s...you’ve seen the show, every day.
LL: You said what *my* favorite! You said what’s *my* favorite!
CK: I know, I know. Don’t yell at me.
[Audience laughs]CK: It’s on to the fifth question. Are you ready?
LL: I’m ready now.
CK: You’re an actress, and a very good actress. Show me “introspective.”
LL: [Strikes a pensive pose, looks left and right while deep in
contemplation, hold the act for a few seconds]
CK: Correct! [Bing bing bing] That was beautiful!
[LL screams, audience applauds]
CK: Very good!
LL: [Holding her hands up in the air and shaking her head] How do I do it,
man?CK: Check your local listings for Xena: Warrior Princess. Big hand for Lucy
Lawless.21:55
--Z
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