Like all TV shows, the studio, and relatively high-up powers that be on the set, had their list of do’s and don’ts when they began Xena. These were based on what they believed the mainstream wanted to watch. After reading a slew of crew/cast interviews, watching all the directors’ commentaries and making-of docos, one can pretty easily discover what the gospel from on high was intended to be for this show. 

Chief among them was don’t make this some anti-man crusade. Do make Xena feminine (but tough). Give them action and mythical monsters and cool fights. And above all else, golden rule, don’t make it look like the warrior princess and her comely sidekick are, god forbid, a pair of lesbians who are into each other.   

In sum: it was a vision of perfect safeness and, on the flipside, eyeball-numbing mediocrity. 

So yes folks it’s all there – exactly to the letter, perfectly made to order, precisely what the studio wanted. 

And it stinks. No, I mean really stinks. 

That’s the problem with playing safe – whatever it is will be dead boring and satisfies no one. But let’s just work our way through this ghastly approval-meeting check list, to ensure all are nicely ticked and accounted for in Mortal Beloved. 

1. I Am Girly Hear Me Roar

Enter Xena in her deep sea diver Wonder Woman outfit (when Wonder Woman needed to do a water scene, she did some silly extra twirl and a black swimming outfit appears). For Xena her black water-world get up is both feminine (lacking only the frills) and yet bizarrely unflattering. Too short to suit the shape of Lucy’s upper thighs it nevertheless doubtlessly met with studio approval and requests to show less leather, more leg. I felt like I’d accidentally tuned into Miss New Zealand’s swimwear section. Cute ankle boots though… for a fairy princess. 

2. Being Proudly Heterosexual In Three Easy Kisses And One Sweaty Grope

There was certainly no anti-man crusade going on in Mortal Beloved (if such a thing has ever existed anywhere on TV). No siree, studios, there’s also none of that ‘tough chicks doing it alone without men’ stuff either –  that was just a bonus. Indeed Xena tells Hades that she can’t even fight the big bad without Marcus. (um, since when?) 

And it’s not just fighting that Xena can’t do without Marcus for. Here she is seen playing constant tonsil hockey with the stud muffin (cripes you two, remember to leave some lips behind), and even flinging his muscly, macho, manly man-frame (you’re getting the hint he’s a he, right?) to the ground for a bit of man-woman-sex lovin’ (right beside Gabrielle, mind you – I mean, ewwww). 

And just in case you were the particularly stupid student at the back of the class, they highlighted it once more with Barbara Cartland lines like this from Marcus: “My feelings for you were the only thing keeping me going down in Tartarus. It was like I was carrying my own Elysian field around in side of me.” 

And then, should even the dimmest student in the stupidest remedial class still fail to grasp all that heterosexual rampant soulmating and general, ahem, mating, Xena out-of-the-blue declares her love for Marcus (who knew they were that close?!).

She then makes the boldest declaration of them all after Gabrielle (loyal platonic chum that she is) remarks profoundly: “You’ll be together again one day”. 

“We’ll never be apart,” Xena replies, tearing up sweetly (nice touch). “He’s in here forever.” And then for good measure she thumps her chest like Tarzan in the vague direction of her heart. (Ouch. That so had to hurt)  

OK, we get it already – she’s into men. 

3. Action Stations

Also high on the committee’s, sorry studio’s, list of must haves were exciting mythical critters to get the kiddies sucked in. Yes there are fairly impressive (for their time) CGI monsters (the flying flame-hating harpies, which live in a flame world – go figure) who go toe to wing with Xena.  Hmm I am sure I have played this exact same computer game in the early 90s. Dragon Riders of Pern perhaps?  

4. They’re Just Good Friends. No, Really. Seriously. Look, I Mean It.

OK, no subtext to see here, just move along folks. In fact this was the perfect anti-subtext episode because even when Renee is handed on a platter a potential subtext line, she plays it straight down the line, in every sense. There’s not even a hint of an intonation that would imply she’s anything but stick-whacking buddies with her uber butch (with girly swimwear leanings) travelling companion.

The line was regarding what a pleasant sight it was to see Xena again, when Gabrielle has regained consciousness after being kicked in the head. No “By the gods you’re beautiful” inflections here. Nuh-uh. They really did have a strictly kid-sister relationship in this episode. What’s amazing is just how much feels like it’s missing when that extra layer is just not there. 

I’ll explain why all this is possibly worth stomaching in a minute, but first it’s quibble time. 

Twice in this episode Xena orders “Gabrielle, stay here” and not in a friendly way, either. It’s jarring, it’s rude, and frankly Gabrielle aint no dog and should have said so. Given we see her first fabulous full-on fight with a staff, she shows she’s not without the ability to defend herself any more. Hopefully this bard-dumping routine in any and all taverns will be shortlived, at least before she becomes an alcoholic. 

Don’t make me mention the sex scene beside Gabrielle again. Please, please don’t.

Oh cripes, all right then: WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? HOW CRASS!

I can’t stand the way Gabrielle is turned into the role of a child-by-proxy whenever the ‘adults’ bed down together. Shudder. At least they should respect her enough to find some shrubbery a little further away in case she wakes up. It was really off how they framed the scene. 

The Muriel’s Wedding bride in this episode is pretty ridiculous. She’s already wearing her outfit for the big day, the day before, when Xena stops by to talk to her father. Talk about bridezilla obsessive. 

Why did they need to have Marcus stabbed by Xena? Everyone in the room knows he’s going to die regardless. It was just a cheap trick to ramp up the emotion. Poor Xena. They should have just let the dude expire like a parking meter. 

Did you notice they also actually had Xena beg in this episode? She begged for Marcus’s soul. I can’t say I enjoyed it – I had to look away I felt so embarrassed for her. It was pretty awful. 

On a brighter note, there were three almost worthy things about this episode – Gabrielle taking the time to stop and put a blanket over the killer’s corpse – which shows her good heart. Either that or it shows her queasiness, who can say… 

The chemistry between Marcus and Xena is actually believable for once compared with some of the heroes or warlords she’s been paired with in the past. Excluding the standout example of Ares, she really had a hard time finding any buzz with the men she was apparently supposed to be interested in doing the romantic watoozi with. 

Finally, the introduction of the song sung when Xena farewells Marcus – it’s the same one they use on all their subsequent funeral pyre scenes, especially in Been There Done That. It gets ya right there every time. (Thumps chest.) 

Right, so after all that, why is this show worthy of eschewing one’s valium for, and watching it stone-cold sober?  

Just personally I quite like having such a tangible tribute to the studio/committee-mentality. Comparing this mediocrity, which they preferred, with the incredibly lofty heights Xena reached on the episodes we loved, begged for, championed and obviously preferred, is a vindication of sorts.  

It vindicates anyone who has ever professed to adoring the off-centredness of Xena, the quirkiness and the risk taking, the darkness and the light and the love and lust – be it Gabrielle or Ares – the twisted depths (and that’s just Callisto) and the sheer unpredictability of what some little film team in NZ threw together whenever the studio’s back was turned. 

It’s the subversiveness of it all that made our show great, even when the studio looked down at these aspects of it, or worse, ordered changes to have it rebuilt it in their intended image. Changes mercifully ignored or just paid lip service to as the months and years marched on. 

The result of experiencing episodes like this means we can’t get too depressed whenever some studio today announces there’s no way society would abide a two-girl buddy show, or a gay action hero or whatever else is deemed too non-conformist to fly. Studios aren’t particularly accurate temperature takers of modern society if this is any evidence.  

In essence Mortal Beloved is a morality tale – a warning of what might have been and fortunately never was. For if the show had continued the way this episode had been set up, and as the studios dearly wanted, I doubt it would have lasted the season. 

This episode proves that Xena succeeded in spite of the studio demands, not because of them. And that we all embraced such an unusual and cheeky show, backing up the creative geniuses who fought for something more, something deeper, something better, makes me enormously proud of the masses too.  

So why bother with Mortal Beloved at all? Well you need not – but it is a great way to remind yourself that studios are there to be challenged and pushed and urged ever onwards and upwards. And it is a head’s up about what will happen if we don’t. It’s a way to remember that fans really do count and really are discerning. And that’s a message well worth taking away from one of the lamest episodes in the Xenaverse.