Chapter 5

 

Xena opened her eyes, instantly fully awake. That's simply the way her body was. She usually woke slightly before dawn, immediately aware of all her surroundings.

 

She remembered the time, right after she and Gabrielle first became lovers. Xena never could understand, in the seasons they traveled together, why her young lover was so difficult to rouse in the morning. It was as if Gabrielle hadn't any sleep during the night. It shocked, surprised, and flattered the warrior to find that the young woman sat up in the middle of the might, for candlemarks, simply looking down at the beautiful dark-haired woman.

 

**********

 

One night, the warrior felt Gabrielle's body, leaning down over her. She silently opened one eye, surprising the small blonde.

 

"Gabrielle, why are you staring at me when you should be asleep?"

 

"I--I'm not staring!" Gabrielle replied defensively, flopping down onto the bedroll. The bard rolled away from her lover, taking most of the blanket along with her.

 

Xena was awake now and in the mood to tease her new lover. She pressed her long figure to Gabrielle's back, snuggling up against the small blonde.

 

"Hey, you have all the blanket now. I'm cold too," Xena lied. She pressed her body tighter against the young woman, nuzzling her neck and placing small kisses on the smooth skin.

 

"Brie?"

 

"Hhmm?" Gabrielle answered. She was rather enjoying the sensation.

 

"Do you always sit up at night, watching me?"

 

Xena asked the question in a sultry voice, interjecting it at just the right moment. Gabrielle had her eyes closed, neck tilted to one side, and a dreamy expression on her face. Her eyes opened wide when the warrior's words registered.

 

"Oh, you!" The bard brought her elbow back sharply into the warrior's midsection.

 

Xena knew the young woman and braced her abdominal muscles, anticipating the blow. She chuckled as Gabrielle rolled further away.

 

"Brie, I'm sorry…I was just teasing." She lightly touched Gabrielle's shoulder.

 

"I don't know what you want with me anyway. You're the Warrior Princess…I'm such a nobody," the bard said forlornly.

 

Xena lost the expression of mirth, replacing it with a frown. Realization dawned bright and she pulled the reluctant woman toward her.

 

"Gabrielle, don't you know how beautiful and wonderful you are?"

 

"To you."

 

"To everyone, my heart. Everyone we meet can see the light in your soul, can feel the warmth burning there."

 

Gabrielle finally let herself relax in the warrior's embrace, but to Xena, it felt more like a gesture of defeat. She wrapped her arms tightly around the young woman and kissed the back of her head.

 

"But, you…you're…well, you're you, Xe. People will always wonder what you see in me."

 

"Yes, love, people do know of me, but only you know the real me. I've been across the Known World; my reputation has traveled far and wide. People recognize me the minute I walk into a town. They've seen many of my faces over the seasons and they think they know the me inside this shell, but more often than not, I'm ashamed for the reasons they know me. There is only one thing that I'm proud for people to know about me, my heart."

 

"What's that?" Gabrielle asked.

 

Xena smiled and kissed the mouth that turned toward her.

 

"That I won your heart," the warrior answered.

 

Gabrielle reached up to capture the lips again that, in return, pressed against hers so softly.

 

"It wasn't much of a contest, Xe," she whispered as they pulled apart. "All you had to do was ask."

 

**********

 

As she always did, Xena simply felt Gabrielle's presence. Therefore, when she opened her eyes, she wasn't surprised to see her wife, lying in bed next to her. Gabrielle leaned up on one elbow, looking down on the warrior. Xena noticed that the emerald eyes, which gazed down at her, generally filled with love and adoration, were filled with something more. Clouding those emotions was a look of guilt and sorrow that was new to the warrior. Her wife's face mirrored the grief they both experienced over the last three days. Now, when the warrior looked up, it was as if Xena caught Gabrielle looking down at her with feelings of remorse etched across her face.

 

Xena reached out to pull Gabrielle to her, but instantly felt her wife's hand on her chest, discouraging the ploy. The warrior's questioning expression urged the Queen to quickly explain.

 

"I…um, my chest…it's a bit tender."

 

Xena sat up and with an extremely light touch, cupped her hand around one of her wife's swollen breasts. Her fingers delicately brushed the skin, feeling the hard fullness. Gabrielle winced, even at the gentle touch.

 

"Seems like a lot tender would be a better way to put it," Xena said. "How do they actually feel, besides tender?" Xena asked in concern.

 

"Painful," Gabrielle answered. "They feel strange…full and hard as rocks. This didn't happen with--before." Gabrielle didn't even want to say Hope's name to herself, not now when she was on the verge of some sort of breakdown already.

 

"I'm sorry, Brie, I should have prepared for this the other day, but I think it's…well, it's from the…the milk you're producing."

 

Xena wasn't shy or embarrassed about the topic, but she hated bringing up one more thing that would remind her wife of their loss.

 

Gabrielle looked across at her wife. She didn't want to let it out, but she couldn't seem to hold back. Silent and unexpected tears tracked their way down the Queen's cheeks.

 

"I'm sorry," she said, wiping the tears away with her hand. "I didn't mean to cry again."

 

"Brie…it's okay," Xena reassured, reaching out her own hand to brush her fingers against the young woman's cheek. "It's something that reminded you of our loss. It's okay to cry about it."

 

Gabrielle nodded her head, too unsure of her voice to speak. Xena sat against the head of the bed and encouraged the young woman to lay with her back against the warrior's chest.

 

Finally settled, Xena said, "I can ask Sartori, I know she has the herbs. I can make a tea and all you have to do is drink a mug in the morning for around seven days or so. It will…it will dry up…" Xena couldn't finish.

 

Gabrielle placed a hand on the warrior's forearm, which was resting across her abdomen. "Not yet, Xe."

 

Xena was thankful that her wife's back was to her, so the Queen couldn't see the expression forming on the warrior's face. It took a few moments until realization broke across the features that were frowning in confusion. At first, Xena couldn't think of a reason or understand why Gabrielle wouldn't want the pain of her current condition removed. Why would she want the reminder…the pain? Understanding flowed through her and the warrior knew that was the reason. The pain was Gabrielle's last reminder that only three days ago, she carried their child. Three days ago, she was looking forward to a future with the life growing inside of her. For nine moons, the young Queen bonded with and grew attached to their child, and now, all she had to remind her of Brianna's existence was the physical pain.

 

Xena kissed the back of her wife's head and they lay together, no conversation breaking the painful silence that hung between them. The sun was in hiding this morning under the slightly overcast conditions, and now, dark clouds moved into view. They watched through the large window, by the small wooden table, as the gray-black clouds hung low in the sky, the morning light growing dimmer. Normally shuttered during the winter months, a thin gauzy curtain covered the window when the days were so unbearably warm, as they had been recently. It occurred to Xena that they usually kept the curtain drawn until they were awake and about.

 

"Brie, did you open the curtain?"

 

 "Yes. I opened it earlier when I had some tea. I was just watching the sun come up." Gabrielle didn't tell her wife that she was thinking, rather forlornly, of her father as she watched dawn break over the Amazon village.

 

"I never even heard you get up," Xena said with a hint of amazement.

 

"You were sound asleep," Gabrielle replied, squeezing the warrior's hand. "You looked like you needed the sleep as much as me."

 

"Couldn't you sleep?" Xena asked.

 

"Something like that."

 

"Dreams again?"

 

Gabrielle nodded and sighed deeply.

 

"Brie, do you remember when you were afraid to tell me your nightmare because you thought it would hurt me?" Xena questioned her wife. She didn't have to say when, they both knew.

 

"Yes," Gabrielle replied.

 

"My heart, there isn't anything that you can't tell me. I'll understand. You know as well as I that our dreamscapes don't always tell the truth. Sometimes they're just bits and pieces of our own thoughts or guilt."

 

Xena tried to explain as best she could, but she also knew her wife. If Gabrielle was determined that something remain a secret, the warrior could talk until sundown and still never convince the bard to open up. The warrior suspected what her wife's nightmares held. Obviously, they revolved around the sudden death of their child, but Xena knew that she probably factored in there somewhere too.

 

Xena's own guilt over her inability to save Brianna gnawed deeply at the warrior's conscience. She understood Gabrielle's pain. How could her wife keep from blaming her, even unconsciously? She was the Warrior Princess, the woman who conquered death and most of the known Gods. She never accepted defeat, and yet, this time she was beaten. Why this time, Gabrielle?

 

Xena never blamed Gabrielle for the dreams, not the last time, especially not now. The feelings were real for Gabrielle and the dreamscape is where they made their presence known for the young Queen. Xena simply wished that she could convince her mate that it was a normal response and that it wouldn't hurt the warrior to know of her wife's dreams.

 

"I'll understand whatever you're feeling, Brie. I just wish you'd talk to me. It's been three days, love, and you've hardly eaten a bite. You've already lost all the weight you gained." Xena ran her hand along Gabrielle's belly, noting the flat lines that were so recently hidden by soft flesh.

 

"Yesterday, you worked out with Eponin for nearly half the day. Please, don't bury yourself in that like the last time. I know it helps to be able to focus your mind on something, but don't immerse yourself in being a warrior just to hide from the truth. Please, talk to me, baby," Xena at last pleaded.

 

"Xe…I--" Gabrielle stopped abruptly.

 

The Queen was about to unburden herself of her terrible secret. Her wife was so loving, willing to do or suffer anything for her. Gabrielle listened as Xena explained, and there was truth to the warrior's words. The last couple of days, Gabrielle felt herself slipping into the same hardened mode she fell into a few seasons previous. Her heart told her that Xena would find a way to forgive the young woman, but Gabrielle's head pulled her in another direction completely.

 

Not again, not this time, Gabrielle thought to herself. She forgave me the death of her child the first time, how could she ever do it again? How could I stand losing her love? I'll die, I'm sure of it, if I ever have to see her look at me with contempt or hate again.

 

"Xe," Gabrielle whispered in a broken voice. "Not today…maybe..." she sighed heavily, "just not today. Okay?"

 

Xena kissed the young woman's cheek. Today was their daughter's burial rites and she understood Gabrielle's wish to wait.

 

"Of course, my heart. I'm always here for you, Brie, always just a step away."

 

Thunder rumbled from a distance and rolled through the village, the two women feeling the vibration of it, deep within their chests. Shortly after, a light rain followed, and the couple lay in bed, watching it fall.

 

"That seems apt," Gabrielle said softly.

 

Xena nodded her head in complete understanding. Both their hearts mirrored the dark dreariness of this day. They lay in bed, knowing that in a few candlemarks, they would fight their greatest battle yet. Their hearts held pain and regret, sadness and guilt.

 

A plan formulated in the young Queen's brain, just then, the agony of her situation effectively clouding her reason. A way in which she could pay for her own sin, and not have to see Xena look on her with anything but the warrior's customary expression of love and devotion. It would be painful, but her own suffering would be her penance. She regretted the hurt she would cause her wife, knowing Xena's feelings would still turn to anger and hate, but this way, Gabrielle wouldn't have to see the look in her wife's eyes. The Queen wouldn't have to watch, as her warrior's love grew cold.

 

Chapter 6

 

Gabrielle helped her wife fasten the top catch on her tunic. Once the jacket was secure, Xena took a step back, but not before brushing the back of her fingers along Gabrielle's cheek. The Queen gave the warrior a weak smile and Xena returned one of the same. Xena watched as the small blonde turned away to finish dressing herself. The dark-haired woman wore the outfit she used for diplomatic purposes as the Queen's Consort. Black leather trousers, a long sleeved silk shirt that laced up the front and the tight fitting jacket with the Amazon Queen's insignia on the sleeves. Xena felt stiff and uncomfortable in the outfit, but she thought that fitting. She didn't want to wear her customary leathers; she would feel too relaxed in her battle skirt. She didn't want to wear something that would remind her; each time she put it on, of this day. No, better to be ill at ease now, the warrior thought to herself.

 

The two women were preparing for their customary visitation before their daughter's funeral ceremony began. They would have their time alone, then, along with the Queen Regent and several other witnesses, they would watch as the Healers sealed Brianna's body into the tiny sarcophagus the woodworker carved.

 

Crista fashioned the small box. In only two days, the woman completed an ornately decorated cover, in which to send off the little Princess. She carved the Queen's crest into the lid and added small areas of red paint, to signify royalty. The older woman brought the carved lid by their home the previous day, in order to obtain the Queen's approval.

 

Xena stood, gazing pensively out the window, watching as the light rain fell from the sky. She always loved the rain. She loved the way it made everything smell; the humid, earthy scent that hung heavy in the air. Fresh and clean, the rain always washed away the dust from the roads. Now, Xena feared that, with the coming seasons, she would only remember one thing about the rain…that it fell on the day of her daughter's funeral.

 

She turned her head to watch Gabrielle. The young Queen wore one of her longer leather skirts, belted at the waist with a length of braided, soft leather. The skirt came well past her knees and the top was made of the same soft leather. Xena showed Gabrielle how to cushion her swollen and tender breasts with one of her tighter undergarments, placing soft cloth in the center of the cups of the top. Gabrielle refused the tea the warrior offered to make her, so she had to face, not only the discomfort of her breasts, full and heavy with milk, but a natural side effect of that also. The cloth was to protect her top from the unbidden instances when the droplets of milk would leak from her body and wet her garment.

 

Gabrielle gathered one last item from the room, placing it in a cloth sack and wrapping it up carefully. She paused, and then looked up at her wife. The tall woman crossed the room and opened a chest, lying on the floor. She picked up a small item and tucked it into her tunic. Rising again, Xena retrieved the Queen's cloak from a peg on the wall and held it open for her.

 

"Xe, it's awfully warm for that, it's only a little rain."

 

It was true. Although the rain was providing the precipitation that they desperately needed, it was still extremely warm outside. The rain managed to simply make everything unbearably humid.

 

"I know, love, but you'll get soaked by the time we get back here and I don't want you to catch your--" Xena caught herself.

 

"I just don't want you to get soaked," she added quickly.

 

Gabrielle knew it was pointless to argue. She simply nodded her head and turned around so her warrior could drape the cloak across her shoulders. She felt the strong arms embrace her from behind and a kiss against the back of her head. She would have liked to turn and sob heavily in the warrior's arms, to just let go and have Xena pet her, kiss her forehead, and whisper reassuringly in her ear. Gabrielle refused to allow herself even this small bit of comfort. She wouldn't allow Xena to use all the warrior's own strength, simply for her. She couldn't allow her wife to take on the burden of carrying Gabrielle. The Queen set her jaw in a show of fierce determination. She would have to show them…everyone…that the Queen could walk down this path herself.

 

**********

 

It was difficult for the Queen and her Consort to accept that this small, gauze wrapped package was their daughter. The tiny form lay in the small sarcophagus, which sat upon a low-lying table. The two women sat in silence, one on each side.

 

In truth, Gabrielle, admittedly a woman of words, found that she had none. Not any that made sense, anyway, and she needed to make sense of this. Gods, maybe I am becoming too much the warrior. She realized this was how Xena got through. Trying to sort events, especially the tragic ones, and placing them in an appropriate place, just waiting for the day when you would have time to examine them closer. Only, that day never comes, but the hope is that enough times passes and makes the happening easier to bear.

 

Suddenly she found herself thinking of Crista, the wood carver who fashioned Brianna's sarcophagus. Gabrielle tried to follow her train of thought backward, wondering what prompted her to think of the woman. It was because she was remembering when she and Xena walked through the village, on their way here, to this small hut set apart from all the others of the village.

 

Gabrielle remembered thinking that to most of the Amazon village, this was just another day in their lives. They probably had no idea at the depth of the pain she and her wife were enduring. They would be sad, and respectful, and some would shed tears, but they wouldn't feel as she and Xena felt. They wouldn't sense that their whole world just became devoid of pleasure or happiness. No one would feel that…but Crista would.

 

Last season, the woman lost her only child. Gabrielle presided over the burial rites, in a somewhat less formal situation than today. The Queen truly thought, on that day, that she was feeling the woman's sadness as her own. Now, having encountered the sorrow and the loss, Gabrielle realized that she felt nothing of what the woman was experiencing on that day.

 

The Queen looked over and slipped her hand within her Consort's, which lay resting atop the casket. Without looking over at her, Xena squeezed the small hand reassuringly. The thumb of the larger hand stroked the trembling fingers, as the two women silently shared the immense burden of their anguish.

 

Gabrielle knew, the women whose eyes followed them through the village today, could not truly understand what she an Xena were feeling. She merely hoped and prayed that none of them would ever discover it first hand.

 

Sartori's hands came to rest, first on one of Xena's shoulders, then on Gabrielle's shoulder. The Healer could think of no appropriate words. Saying, ‘it was time,' seemed so harsh and final for the two women who most certainly suffered their fair share of trials in their young lives.

 

"Would you like a little more time…to offer your gifts?" Sartori asked.

 

Both women nodded and the Healer moved to a corner of the small hut where her own wife stood. Adia, the taller of the two, wrapped an arm around the smaller woman's shoulder, Sartori's arm slipping around the tall Healer's waist without much conscious thought.

 

Xena looked over at Gabrielle for a few long moments, trying to decipher the expression on the young Queen's face, wondering if her thoughts took the same meandering paths as the warrior's did for the last candlemark. The dark-haired woman lifted the small hand, cradled gently in her own, to her lips, placing a light kiss on it.

 

Gabrielle looked across at her wife, noting the dark circles under the warrior's eyes. The skin that was usually a dark bronze from the sun, uncharacteristically pale. The blonde understood the unspoken question the blue eyes posed. Gabrielle reluctantly nodded her head in response.

 

Both of them rose at once, each appearing somewhat unwilling to release the other's hand. When at last they broke apart, Xena stood and waited as Gabrielle bent to retrieve the small sack she carried from their home. Pulling the object from its covering, Gabrielle paused, understanding that this gesture was a release of sorts. She hesitated because she really wasn't sure if she was ready to let go. Knowing she had no other option, the Queen pulled the object completely free of its wrapping to reveal an Amazon Mask.

 

Amazon tradition required the reigning Queen to create the mask for her future heir. Gabrielle spent many painstaking hours creating just the right combination of paint, feathers, beads, and carvings. The final product was an impressive mask, one in which the small blonde hoped conveyed just the right amount of ceremony, tradition, and intimidation.

 

Gabrielle looked at the mask as she held it in both her hands. The young Queen's face was unreadable, even to her lover. At last, Gabrielle gently placed the mask inside the sarcophagus, beside her lifeless infant.

 

As Gabrielle withdrew a step from the casket, Xena unfastened one of the middle catches on her tunic and reached into the open jacket. She pulled a small object out. It was a shock of sweet lemongrass, braided, and then fastened into a loop. Every inch or so, along the length of the braid, was a decorative knot.

 

Cyrene showed the warrior how to fashion the complicated knot pattern. The older woman explained to her daughter that when Xena was an infant, Cyrene fashioned the braided grass, just as her own mother showed her. According to Xena's grandmother, the object was a teething ring. The circular shape gave the infant's hand something to easily grasp, the anesthetic properties of the lemongrass eased the baby's teething discomfort, and the knotted areas were a symbol of a mother's love. Those decorative knots began with an intricate series of over and under moves. The result was a tight loop in the shape of a heart.

 

The warrior hunched over her child's casket, the carefully constructed gift in her hand, fingering each knot in turn. Usually, Amazon tradition allowed for the family to send their loved one off with one gift from each of them, something of special meaning to the deceased. It was believed, that when the departed began their journey to the Amazon Land of the Dead, special memories from the gifts surrounding them would guarantee that the love of family would never be forgotten…even in death.

 

The warrior returned to her standing position after having laid the small gift beside her daughter's body. She stepped back beside her wife and the two women watched as the ceremony was performed to seal the royal casket. Xena and Gabrielle stood side by side, the length of their arms touching the entire time. Some would be surprised that the Queen and her Consort were not sharing an embrace or clasping hands tightly, during this heart-wrenching scene. Those onlookers would be mistaken, however, if they thought the two women stood separate in their pain, for not a moment passed when they weren't in physical contact some way. The connection they shared, in their grief, was very nearly psychic. No words needed to be spoken or sentiments shared between them. This was a bond created by pain, and shared on this level between only these two.

 

Four Royal Guard surrounded the sarcophagus, waiting patiently, for Xena to escort the Queen to the area of the funeral pyre. The Queen and the warrior exchanged a brief glance; unshed tears held in check by both women. Gabrielle turned, and in a slow deliberate motion, crossed the small room, pausing at the open door.

 

The young woman experienced a sudden attack of dizziness, fighting a wave of nausea back with deep breaths. Xena moved quickly when she saw Gabrielle clutch at the doorpost, her nails digging into the soft wood. The warrior watched, as the Queen's mask nearly fell from her grasp.

 

Gabrielle leaned her body back against the tower of warm strength behind her. Xena's body pressed up against the Queen's back, the warrior's hands gently holding the young woman steady. The episode of lightheadedness passed and Gabrielle sighed heavily, as if there were no strength left in her body.

 

"Easy, my heart…breathe," Xena whispered. "Okay?" The tall woman pressed her lips against the back of her wife's head and felt the motion of Gabrielle slightly nodding.

 

What would I do without her, Gabrielle thought to herself. No…what will I do without her.

 

Gabrielle took a small step forward, breaking away from the comforting embrace of her wife. She raised the Queen's mask in both hands and, taking one last, deep breath, she placed the mask across her face. She felt an odd comfort from the act. She felt as if she were not only hiding her face away, but her heart, as well. This…this would make it bearable, her mind comforted. The wall that could be slipped around one's emotions, the wall that warriors were so famous for, that her own warrior spent seasons trying to overcome. This was Gabrielle's salvation and she wondered why such a thing as a warrior's trick should come so easily to her now.

 

Xena took her position beside Gabrielle, sparing a fleeting moment to glance down at the small woman, before she slipped on the mask. The thought that stuck in the warrior's mind was how familiar the look of emptiness and grim determination looked on her lover's face. Familiar expressions, but out of place on her wife. What the warrior really thought, as she felt Gabrielle move beside her toward the pyre, was how much Gabrielle looked like her. The ache in her heart was caused by the knowledge that when they stepped from the small hut, Xena no longer saw the sweet bard of Potidaea, only the Queen of the Amazons.

 

The Guard followed half a dozen paces behind the Queen and her Consort. Xena was glad she made her wife wear the cloak, as the rain fell lightly, but steadily. The young Queen could barely see the rain, let alone feel it. Nearly in front of the large pyre, Gabrielle unconsciously reached out for Xena's hand, the warrior sensing the contact before it arrived. They walked the rest of the way like that, stony expressions masking their true emotions. Forced to control their display of grief because of who they were, what they represented. For this small space in time, they were not allowed to be two women enduring perhaps the most difficult day of their lives. They existed as rulers and leaders within this community, and because of this, their lives were not fully their own.

 

The Guard slid the sarcophagus onto the platform above the wood that the village carefully situated for the fire. The funeral rites began, chanting and songs, some in a language Xena didn't understand, but that she had only heard before. It's happening so quickly was Xena's first thought. At the same time, the warrior felt the day would take an eternity to end. The warrior disappeared into herself, the only connection to the physical world was the small hand that trembled in hers.

 

Xena looked next to her, blocking out the happenings around her, she watched the young Queen by her side. Gabrielle stared straight ahead, her body tight as a bowstring, but trembling all over at the same time. The fearsome mask covered the Queen's beautiful face, hiding Gabrielle's usually expressive visage. She could have been carved in stone, but for the tears Xena saw slide out from under the mask. The warrior no longer held back her own tears as they mixed with the rain that wet her face.

 

She watched as two of the Guards poured a thick black substance out onto the base of the pyre. All along the wood, they poured the viscous liquid from the hollowed out gourds used as containers. The rain made the wood wet and so; Greek Fire seemed to be the answer to give the damp logs a chance to catch and burn.

  

Even behind the Queen's mask, Gabrielle appeared stunned that they had been standing there for nearly a candlemark. Two of the Royal Guard broke their stiff formation, one carrying a large brass bowl, filled with hot coals, the other a long bow with one arrow.  The coals were placed at Gabrielle's feet and the Guard knelt before the Queen, offering up the bow and arrow. Gabrielle didn't move, she simply stared down at the bow as if she didn't know what to do.

 

Xena cursed herself for the hundredth time. The pyre was to be lit by either she or Gabrielle. Xena agreed to do it when Ephiny first explained the Royal funeral rites to them. The warrior didn't want her wife to have to experience one more brand of pain. Gabrielle argued with her all last evening, becoming upset and breaking into tears. She was so adamant about being the one to light the pyre that Xena agreed, simply to calm her wife down. Now, watching Gabrielle struggle with the burden, Xena had to clench her fists to keep from stepping in.

 

Gabrielle realized that she was the one they were waiting for. Her mind went completely blank. The only thing she was aware of was the sharp hissing noise the raindrops made as the splashed into the bucket of hot coals. She watched as her own hands reached out for the offered bow, seeming as if they belonged to someone else's body and not her own. Gazing at the trembling fingers as they wrapped themselves around the unfamiliar weapon, she felt as if she were watching herself from far off, not even feeling she was really in her own body. It was a matter of memory, the limited lessons that Eponin taught her on how to use the bow, that Gabrielle fell back on now.

 

The head of the arrow was wrapped in gauze and dipped in Greek Fire. The Queen notched the arrow, standing still for the longest time. Ephiny looked over and searched for some sign that Gabrielle would be unable to continue. The Regent was comforted by the fact that Xena edged herself closer to her wife, noticing Gabrielle's erratic behavior.

 

Gabrielle took a deep breath, the first one having caught it her throat. Her limbs felt frozen, too heavy to lift. With what the Queen thought of as a massive effort, she bent and slowly let the coals spark the arrow into flame. Her warrior watched the slow movements, understanding the hesitation in her wife's momentum. Once the arrow flew, it would be over. There would be no redemption from the Gods, nothing Xena could do to save the day.

 

The Queen brought the bow up and drew back the string. The flame from the arrow felt hot against her hand as she pulled the bowstring back farther, then Gabrielle froze. She could neither continue, nor go back, and so she froze in place.

 

Xena watched on as Gabrielle's motion stopped. It was longer than necessary and the warrior wasn't sure how long she should wait before stepping in. Finally, Gabrielle's arms began to shake with the effort at holding back the taut bowstring. Xena was so close; all she had to do was grasp the bow in her left hand, covering Gabrielle's small hand. The warrior reached her right arm around the Queen and plucked the bowstring from Gabrielle's shaky fingers.

 

"We can do this, Brie," Xena's low voice whispered in the blonde's ear.

 

Gabrielle nodded, unable to speak, and let the warrior's strength flow into her. Together, the Queen and her Consort let fly the arrow. The flaming projectile imbedded itself into a large log at the base of the pyre and the fire spread quickly until it was a roaring blaze. The singing and chanting continued around the two women, but they were as oblivious to that as to the rain that fell steadily from the sky.

 

Gabrielle felt limp and never resisted when Xena turned the small woman in her arms and they stood there, the Amazon Queen wrapped in the warrior's embrace. Her mask pressed against her face as Gabrielle rested her head on her wife's chest. They stood like this for some time, two, then three candlemarks having gone by before Ephiny could convince Xena that the only way Gabrielle would go inside, would be if the warrior led the way. Xena once again cursed her own foolishness at risking Gabrielle's health. The warrior eventually led the young Queen from their place in front of the still blazing fire, back to their home.

 

Ephiny watched the Royal couple walk away and prayed to Artemis that she would intervene at some point. There were some things that people came back from, even Xena and Gabrielle, but this one would be a test of epic proportions. The Regent knew other couples whose love for one another grew cold over their inability to cope with the death of a child. She hoped and prayed that the Queen and her Consort were prepared for the battle ahead.

 

**********

 

"Noooooo…"

 

Gabrielle's scream broke through the stillness of the early morning once more. Xena quickly wrapped her own body around the small one wrapped into a fetal position beside her.

 

"Sshh…baby, I've got you. It's okay…" the warrior murmured to the exhausted young woman.

 

Xena felt Gabrielle's body eventually go still again, deep, even breaths coming from the sleeping Queen. Even though the warrior's sleep was fitful, she at least slept. Gabrielle spent the previous night and day passing between sleep and her nightmare-laden dreamscape. After the exhausting funeral yesterday, Xena tried to allow Gabrielle time to rest today, but the dreamscape images that haunted her bard, simply became stronger.

 

Having finally slept for a few uninterrupted candlemarks, Gabrielle rose to find the day sunny and warm, as if yesterday's rain had never been. Xena walked into the house, dirt, and sweat plastered to the warrior's skin. She carried a tray of food and Gabrielle couldn't help but notice her wife and the friend who tagged behind the tall warrior. Gabrielle envied the look of peace on her wife's face, brought about, no doubt, by a strenuous workout on the practice field. Xena told her on more than one occasion that was the way warriors worked things out.

 

She's working it out…why can't I? Well, that's easy…she wasn't responsible for her child's death.

 

Gabrielle felt sleepy, battered, and beyond weary, but the expression on Eponin's face caused the young Queen to make the attempt at a smile.

 

Eponin timidly followed Xena into the house. Seeing Gabrielle bathed and dressed was a relief to Xena. The young woman looked a little battle-weary, but at least functional. The warrior didn't like the dark circles that hung under the bard's eyes, which grew darker every day. Her wife's weight did not escape the warrior's scrutiny either. In four days, Gabrielle managed to lose a considerable amount of body mass. Yes, Xena admitted, a great deal was due to the birth, but her wife wasn't eating, and that worried the warrior as much as the constant nightmares that plagued the young Queen.

 

"Gabrielle?" Eponin asked quietly.

 

The small blonde met the warrior halfway across the room to accept a hug. Eponin gingerly placed her arms around the young woman, using as gentle a touch as she could.

 

"It's okay, Ep," Gabrielle said, pulling out of the embrace. "I won't break."

 

The Amazon smiled back and let out a short sigh of relief. Eponin wasn't used to dealing with these kinds of situations and it broke her heart that it was happening to two of her closest friends.

 

"I didn't know what to say…yesterday…"

 

"It's okay…I understand," Gabrielle mustered up another smile that tugged painfully at her friend's heart. "But, I'm not that fragile…you're not going to crush me or anything with a hug." Gabrielle tried to tease the serious warrior and received that relieved expression once again.

 

"I'm not so sure." Eponin grinned. "When's the last time this woman fed you?" the Amazon jerked a thumb in Xena's direction.

 

The Queen and her Consort exchanged a hurried glance that spoke volumes to the Amazon.

 

"Well, I've been here all of two heartbeats and I've already put my foot in it, haven't I?" Eponin muttered. The warrior could have kicked herself, realizing that Gabrielle probably had no stomach for food, and that it was certainly already an issue between her two friends.

 

"Hey, no big deal," Xena said, coming forward to slap the Amazon on the back. The tall warrior slipped an arm around her wife's shoulders and gave her a tender kiss. "We were just going to sit down for a bite, right Brie?" Xena indicated the tray of food on the table.

 

Gabrielle nodded. Her wife stepped in just in time to save everyone from embarrassment.

 

"There's plenty, Ep," Gabrielle looked at the large wooden platter of food. "Why don't you join us?"

 

Xena was surprised at the request for company her wife made. She took it as a good sign, however, and nodded her head up and down at the Amazon standing in front of her.

 

"Sure, if you really want me to," Eponin replied.

 

It took about a quarter of a candlemark before the Amazon warrior felt comfortable again in front of her old friends. Eponin figured it was a warrior thing, the ability she and Xena had to slip right back into their easy friendship. Xena didn't talk about anything touchy–feely and Eponin tried to veer as far away from any sensitive type moments as she could. It was the perfect solution. Gabrielle was a different story.

 

The Amazon felt like she was walking on eggshells with her Queen. Gabrielle had a sensitive nature and Eponin felt as if she was sure to say the wrong thing. If Gabrielle cried, Ep didn't know what she'd do, well, after she got up off the floor, because she was certain that's where the Warrior Princess would put the Amazon if she did make the small blonde cry.

 

Gabrielle tried to keep up her end of the conversation, but she was failing miserably and she knew it. She just didn't feel like talking. She didn't want to see anyone or be with anyone. It was almost like a hollow spot, the space within her soul that knew love and compassion. It was once filled, but now all she could sense was this emptiness there and no matter how hard she tried to pull herself out of this funk, she couldn't get past it. She was reminded of a deep, dark pit. She kept trying to climb up the sides, little by little finding some purchase, but all of a sudden, for no reason at all, the walls would crumble within her grasp, and she would slip back into the darkness once again. She would try again, but Gabrielle knew that if she didn't make it out soon, she might eventually lack the strength to try anymore.

 

The young Queen couldn't hide her lack of appetite from her wife or the Amazon warrior who shared their meal. Gabrielle made a good show regarding the food on her plate, but all she was really doing was moving it around from place to place. The two warriors eventually ate their fill, but neither mentioned the fact that Gabrielle consumed a total of one piece of cheese; unless you counted the small piece of flatbread, she nibbled on throughout the meal.

 

"You two look as though you had quite a workout," Gabrielle mentioned.

 

"Yep," the Amazon replied. "There's nothin' like taking on a class full of zealous students, to get your mind in focus."

 

"Does it help you like that, Xe?" Gabrielle asked Xena with curiosity.

 

"Yea, I guess it helps…some." Xena answered. Her wife caught her off guard with that one. It wasn't like Gabrielle to question the ways of a warrior.

 

"Then maybe I should head out to the practice field." The young Queen answered.

 

"That's a great idea, Gabrielle. Get a good workout and you'll have that appetite back in no time!" Eponin responded, perhaps a little too enthusiastically.

 

Xena just stared at the small blonde for a moment or two. The silence became slightly uncomfortable and the Amazon suddenly understood that she might have overstepped her bounds.

 

"Of course, you want to take it easy…you know, just…um…well, uh slow, yea, slow to start…"

 

Xena could only stare at her wife. She recognized that look within Gabrielle's green gaze; the warrior had seen it before. Gabrielle was struggling with something from within, something that went far deeper than the loss of their child. She gave the impression of a woman who was trying to keep herself afloat in a sea of insanity. Her bard was grasping, reaching out to try to find something to hold onto. How can I deny her anything that might help bring her back to me?

 

"You don't want to overdo it," Xena said, reaching over to place her hand upon Gabrielle's forearm. "You know, make sure you stretch and loosen up some of those tight areas before getting into anything."

 

Gabrielle heard the reluctance in her wife's voice, but she also heard the tender concern, and that pained her. I'm hurting her more everyday and I can't seem to stop myself. Oh, Xe, why can't you be harsh or angry with me…at least make this easier for me to bear?

 

 "Yea, well…um, lunch was great guys…so, maybe I'll see you on the practice field, Gabrielle," Eponin said, rising from her seat. She watched as Xena raised an eyebrow in her direction and quickly added, "or not…you know, whatever…"

 

"I think you scared her," Gabrielle said to her own warrior once Eponin closed the door.

 

"Sorry…I didn't mean anything by it," Xena responded, a contrite expression on her face. "Brie, if you want to get your mind off things and get in shape, I think it's great that you want to get out on the practice field, but I don't want to have to worry about you the whole time."

 

"Meaning?"

 

"Meaning that you are losing too much weight, you're hardly sleeping a full candlemark the entire night, and you're not eating enough to keep a bird alive. If you start overexerting yourself, I'm afraid you might become ill, or worse, hurt yourself. Suffering from sleep deprivation and malnutrition are hardly conducive to safe weaponry practice."

 

Xena took a deep breath, just this moment realizing she'd risen and begun to pace the floor. She circled around, having no recollection of getting this far. She turned around to face her wife, just in time to see Gabrielle approaching, a small smile on the young woman's face.

 

"What?" the warrior asked a little defensively.

 

Gabrielle reached the tall woman and slipped her arms around the warrior's waist. "Thanks for always worrying about me."

 

"You mean, you're not going to yell at me and tell me you're a grown woman, and can make your own decisions?"

 

"Would it stop you from worrying?" Gabrielle asked.

 

"No."

 

"That's what I thought," the Queen responded.

 

The two met in a gentle kiss, her wife's sweet touch lighting a fire within her, as always. Xena responded to the kiss by pressing her mouth harder, pulling her wife's body against her and enjoying the feel. Gabrielle was the first to pull away, pressing her hand to the warrior's chest.

 

"Hey," Gabrielle whispered. "I better get out to the practice field while it's still daylight.

 

Xena reached down to nuzzle the Queen's neck, placing soft kisses on the skin there.

 

"You could postpone that workout. Or, I could give you a private workout," Xena whispered seductively.

 

Gabrielle pushed herself further away from the warrior, but not before she caught the wounded expression on Xena's face.

 

"How long were you out on the practice field?" Gabrielle asked, trying to change the subject.

 

"Huh? A couple candlemarks, I guess. Why?"

 

"You need a bath, warrior," the Queen answered with a grin.

 

"You could help…" the warrior offered.

 

Gabrielle broke completely free of the taller woman's embrace and tried to make it sound as if she were teasing. How could she explain to Xena that she simply had no desire…even for her wife?

 

"I better go or I'll never get in that workout," Gabrielle answered.

 

Before Xena knew it, she was standing in the room alone. The warrior wondered how one minute she could feel like whisking her wife off to bed, then the next moment be standing there, feeling rather abandoned.

 

Hades! Gods woman, that was pushing…no wonder she ran off. You're pushing too hard, warrior; give her a chance. Xena wanted to make love to her wife, but it wasn't out of random lust. She wanted to be with Gabrielle, and no other, simply out of love. She felt like being close to the small woman, feeling that bond…their lovemaking always brought about. The only problem was that the feeling she received from her wife, didn't appear to be mutual. Gabrielle…pushing me away? Gods, I have to give her some more time. You thick headed, warrior!

 

Xena crossed to the window and watched as her wife walked with her staff, toward the end of the village.

 

"You take all the time you need, Brie," Xena whispered aloud. "I'll be here when you find your way back."