Disclaimer: Not mine. Theirs. No money. Okay?
General: Subtext? God, yes! Violence? Say that again & Ill kick your ass! Bad language? Hell no! Merciless wit & devastating humour? I sure hope so <g>
Where in Ares name did this come from?: One of those "seems like a good idea at the time" contests....this time, you can thank the Centre for Xena Studies and Lawlsfan, whose fault all this really is.
"Gabrielle, how did you manage to get these stuck there, of all places?"
"Xena, I.....I could really use your help right about now.....yknow?"
"Well I can see that Gabrielle. Ooo, that looks kinda painful."
"No kidding, Plato?" The blondes voice was shorter than her stature.
"Well if youre gonna be like that about it....." The offended warrior - who had only been trying to help after all - shrugged and turned away from the little bard as she squirmed and wriggled frantically.
"Xena! Could you at least pass me a little oil please? I might be able to....yknow...."
"Oh, now you need me? Im sorry Gabrielle - I might not know what oil you mean. Im not an intelligent philosopher type - yknow like Plato for instance....."
"Xena!!" The bards eyes glittered with livid green fury. "Get your gods blasted butt over here and sort me out!!"
"Ooo Gabrielle - at last! You dont know how long Ive waited to hear you say that...." The wicked warrior woman smiled and made certain ....lascivious motions....with her extraordinarily long pink tongue. "Just gimme that oil bardie - cos you are gonna need it!"
"Yeah, you wish! Just keep your paws to yourself while Im defenceless like this."
"Aw, but Gabrielle! If I cant touch you, how can I get you out of there?" She waved a tiny phial of oil around in front of the little blondes eyes; they swivelled in their sockets as they followed the shiny phial as it moved from side to side. Xena was struck by a sudden, incredibly wicked thought, and her eyes gleamed as her grin widened. She watched the bards eyes as they skittered from side to side. Worth trying - I may never have another chance like this....she mused, then nodded as she came to a definite decision. Oh yeah! BAD warrior! BAD warrior!!
"You are feeling sleepy......." She purred, her voice dropping to a low, sultry burr.
"...sleepy....." mumbled Gabrielle, her eyes doing a frantic jig in their sockets as they tried to keep pace with the swinging phial.
"...so incredibly sleepy....you cant keep your eyes open....."
"...close them, youll feel better for it....."
"...ooo...." Oh yeah - thank the gods for all those in depth lessons in the Amazon sweat hut! I knew this techniqued come in useful one day - other than healing, yeah.....naturally...
"....all you can hear is my voice......you will concentrate only on my voice......answer all my questions truthfully, and when I snap my fingers, you will awake, refreshed and with... uhhh, yeah - no memory of what has happened. You will not remember any of this. No way. Is that clear, Gabrielle?"
"...clear?....." The bards eyes were squeezed tightly shut, and her breathing was becoming deep; she looked like she was about to topple over and start snoring. Except, of course, that she couldnt - pinned in place as she was by the....well, what a view, thought Xena appreciatively. For the thousandth time, she thanked whatever gods were responsible for Gabrielles short new hairdo and fantastically revealing clothes.
"Yeah. You-will-remember-none-of-it. Do you understand?"
On hearing this, she rolled her eyes and sighed deeply as she watched the bard swaying slightly (she didnt have much room to move, what with her....anyway, it sure did show her off to perfection....) with a vacant look on her face. Xena chopped her hand in front of the now open but staring glassily straight ahead eyes; getting no reaction, she pinched a forearm - still no reaction. Excellent! We are in business now, bardie!
She stepped back and surveyed her handiwork gleefully. Strange really to have the bard hanging half off the wall like that - how in Hades name did she manage to squeeze those two rather generous....and such a tiny opening too....well anyway, mustnt look a gift stallion in the mouth! She prodded Gabrielle experimentally in the abs - the girl rocked backwards a little and she gave a slight whimper as the motion tugged at her trapped appendages.
"Gabrielle, can you hear me?"
"Excellent! Now, you will answer my questions truthfully." Better test this out first. "Gabrielle, how old are you?"
"Twenty two, Xena."
"Twenty two?? Why you little.......you told me you were twenty six!"
"Well, I will be someday....." Still deep in her hypnotic trance, the bard did her best to shrug casually.
"How old were you when we first met then?" The warriors voice was climbing higher than Hercules on a family visit up Mt Olympus.
"Seventeen, Xena." She replied dutifully.
"Seven-gods-damned-teen? My gods! Ive cradle snatched!! Seven Zeus-be-damned-teen? I dont believe this! You told me you were twenty two! Oh, the horror!!"
"Are you alright Xena?" The bard asked ever so nicely.
"No, godsdammit! Im not all bloody right! Ive taken a child and dragged her round the bloody known world and trained her how to fight and made her lose her blood innocence....ohmigods!! Ohmigods! How old were you when you lost your ...no, dont tell me. I dont wanna know!" Her hair was making desperate attempts to rip itself off her head and get away from the frantically tugging fingers that were menacing it, as the warrior paced anxiously around the blissfully tranced bard. "Oh my gods!!! All these years - babysitting the bard! Cradle snatching???? Im going straight to Tartarus now.....!"
"Oh, this explains....yeah, this explains everything....the addiction to nutbread, I mean - what sane ADULT would eat that stuff? And the stories and - geez, the crushes! Every gods blasted young - YOUNG!! - lad wed meet on the road. What sane adult would ever have a crush on curly haired youths like those?? NONE!!!!.....all this stuff about finding a "Way"....and following every wacky wild haired new religion....I mean, we know where THAT got us, dont we????"
The wild haired warrior took several moments to hyperventilate and drag her rampaging temper under its customary control, all the while glaring at the oblivious bard. Finally, it registered in her hormone and adrenaline packed brain that the bard had been trying to speak. "What?"
"Can you please let me down? This is chafing...."
"What? No! Not bloody likely, kid! I am so gonna have fun with you now....after all, you are old enough.....just......" She coughed, took a couple of deep breaths and coughed again. "Okay - focus Xena, you can do this. Remember, you must answer my questions truthfully. Right?"
"Okay then! Did you and Perdicus....yknow...."
"Uhhh....I dont....know what you mean...."
"Sure you do Gabrielle. Are you still a virgin?"
"No. Perdicus and I did it lots that night."
"What? Lots....? You told me you werent sure if youd even done it at all! And you wouldve been...." Doing some quick sums on her fingers, Xenas eyes grew huge in her face. "...why you little hussy! You were too young to even be married! To him!!........Okay - stay calm, Xena...you can do this. So your little innocent bard was even innocenter and younger than you thought....thats okay. The past is passed - I can forgive that. Okay, lets go again. Did you like the sex?"
"Oh yeah!" The bards green eyes glowed naughtily.
"Yeah? You told me you hated it!!!!"
"Oh no," the little blonde replied airily. "I liked it lots."
"Do you miss it?"
"Yeah. I only ever did it four times."
"Four....???? In one night?" Wow - gotta hand it to Perdy, the guy had stamina.... "Okay, so if you miss it, you must think about it lots...." Cos I sure as Hades know I do....
"Yeah," came the rueful reply.
"Fantasies, huh?" Smiling at the bards pleased nod, Xena continued. "So what sort of fantasies do you have, Gabrielle?"
"Nice ones, Xena. Sexy ones." The purring, smiling bard sent shivers down the lustful warriors spine as she watched her swaying gently, her musculature showed off to perfection by her skimpy costume and the position she was in.
"Mmmm. Sexy ones, huh?" She stopped for a minute and enjoyed one of her own. "Oh yeah, Im with you there Gabrielle. So, tell me about these sexy fantasies of yours. What do they involve?"
"Turn - what??"
"Turnips....." the bard stretched the word out, rolling it round her mouth and coaxing it with her tongue. Xenas eyes rolled as she watched the girls mouth purse and pout. "Plump, firm turnips....."
"How on Heras tits can you have a sexual fantasy involving bloody turnips, for Heras sake????"
"Mmm." Gabrielles pink tongue skimmed her lips as a sultry smile spread across her face. "Well, sometimes I imagine that Im alone with two lovely plump round turnips - I play with them, roll them around in my hands for a while, enjoying the feel of their rough surface against my skin."
"Yeah?" Despite herself, Xena was intrigued and caught up in the bards beautifully evocative description. Plus, she had the added advantage of being able to watch the hypnotised Gabrielles reactions to her newly playing fantasy. "Wh...what then, huh?"
"Or sometimes I imagine that somebody is spreading turnip mash all over my body, rubbing it all over me, and then........"
"Yeah?? Yeah - what comes next, Gabrielle??"
"Whoevers with me, Xena."
A very smirky bard writhed a little against the wall as she strained against her confines, and the sight of the captured bard, attached to the wall only by her straining large...A tiny guttural sound peeped out of Xena - it was the only sound she could make, with her mouth hanging open the way it was. Oh my, my, my, Gabrielle. Who wouldve thought that a twenty two year old could have such thoughts....rather disconcerting as the turnip content might be... Again, she mustered all her warrior reserves and just about pulled herself together.
"S...s..so, who....whos with you, Gabrielle?"
"You, Xena. You bring the turnips."
"Me. Turnips. A twenty two year old very nubile bard. Half naked and tied to a wall. Ohmigods. But turnips? Could I do turnips?" She took one last look at the smiling bard, and steeled her resolve. They were a half a days ride away from the last village theyd passed, but there were a few farmsteads scattered around - they were in a deserted barn now. Turnips to be had somewhere, surely. I can do turnips - I mean, how difficult can it be?
Blessing the Amazons, the Gods and turnips, Xena placed her hands on the lovely slim hips of her writhing bard and held her in position. "Gabrielle. When I snap my fingers, you will wake and remember nothing - NOTHING, got that? - of this conversation. You will wake feeling rested, but with a peculiar hankering for something turnipy. Got that? Excellent!"
She clicked her fingers, and in an instant the blinking bard was staring down at her in confusion. "Xena? Xena, whats going on? Get me outta here! Its starting to chafe!"
"Gabrielle, how did you get yourself in that position anyway?"
"It seemed a good idea......Look, just get me down from here, please Xena?"
"Honestly, Gabrielle. Do I have to watch you all the time - like youre some sorta kid? I mean, you are twenty six arent you? Youre old enough to know that thumbs cant fit into small holes like that....." With a poke, a shuffle, a squeeze and two loud pops!, Gabrielles trapped thumbs were released from the two small holes in the wooden walls that shed inquisitively poked them into. She rubbed them ruefully, a sheepish smile on her face.
"Thanks Xena. Can we go now? Ive seen enough of this old barn to last me a lifetime, and ....actually, Im kinda hungry. I have this real hankering for....turnips, would you believe?"
"Turnips, Gabrielle? Really?" Xena flung her arm round the small blondes shoulders and half dragged her out of the building and threw her across Argos shoulders. "Yknow, I do this fantastic thing with mashed turnip.....itll make your mouth water......."
And soon, all that remained of their presence was a huge cloud of dust hanging suspended over the road, and the echoing "Woo hoo!!!!" floating on the gentle evening breeze.
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