By J. C. Wilder

jcwilder@hotmail.com

Disclaimers:

1. The characters of Xena and Gabrielle belong to the owners of the television series, Xena: Warrior Princess and I borrowed them to create this non-profit piece of fan fiction.
2. Subtext? Sure, and it belongs to many, many people.
3. I do not believe the people in this story would really think these thoughts and take these actions, this is just a goofy parody.
4. The power cables in Auckland, New Zealand, belong to Mercury Energy. Having suffered many power-outages myself, my intent is not to make light of the inconvenience and suffering that being without electrical power can cause, but to explore another thread in the Xenaverse. Did I mention it was a goofy thread? Beware and be warned.

And just to be safe: Third season spoilers up to and including "Forgiven."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once again the relationship between the warrior from Amphipolis and the bard from Poteidaia had been tested, stretching the boundaries of both women's souls. Reaffirming their love, Xena's startling blue eyes warmed Gabrielle's melting hazel ones and the camera moved in tight to catch every subtle little movement and exquisite nuance of emotion. The xinnuendoes were flowing. Then, without warning, everything went black.

"Do you think the camera's still rolling?" Renee whispered in the direction of Lucy's ear.

"Who cauhes! Eet's too dahk feh the cem'ra to recowde anytheeng. Buggah! Wee'll have to re-shoot end we weh doing it spot on puhfeect this time."

"It felt real, didn't it?"

"It alwheez feels reel weeth you 'Nee."

"And you always know just what to say Lu'."

"Mmmmmmphhhhh. Did you just kees me?"

"Uh huh, sure as a box of birds. I've wanted to do it all night. This scene begged for a real smooch don't you think?"

"You know we cen't do thet on the telly, even if we awhn't syndicated. No wit keeses whatsoevuh."

"Yeah, well I just did it, so there."

"Well eet doesn't count."

"Hmphh."

"Beesides, Xener and Gabrielle's love goes wey, wey beeyond…"

"Yeah, yeah. That's an easy out and we feed it to the press but when even I can feel the chemistry…"

"All right, every body take ten until the power comes back on." the director yelled. "And watch your step because nobody's getting hurt on my time."

Lucy stumbled getting up and Renee caught her, holding her hand and leading her to her trailer.

"'Nee, lovee, you really ah my mate."

"Thanks. And of course I think you're amazingly intelligent, but sometimes…"

"Hey! Don't spoil the moment. We steel heve anothuh scene to shoot tonight."

"Right. Can I borrow a flashlight?"

"Hmmm." Groping in the dark, Lucy finally located what she was searching for. "Ahah. Heeh's the lantuhn, but I only heeve this one." Lucy looked around and assessed her resources. "Yoah the outdowsy, love-to-rough-eet type so why don't you teke the cendles?" She pointed at a nine-branched candelabrum.

"A menorah? You keep a menorah in you trailer? You're not even Jewish, 'Lu."

"Meybee not, but the Hanukah cendles I picked up in Israel ah the best. Heeh, take it."

"Thanks…About that kiss, I'm sorry Lu', but after the lies and deaths and the horrible gabdrag, Gabrielle needs something more than a hug."

"Buggah! Beetah Sweet bettuh win thet eemy or I'll nevuh sing again." Lucy flashed her light on Renee and her co-star's expression encouraged her to add, "I didn't like thet gebdreg one bit eithuh. I'd nevuh do anything like thet to someone I cauh so much foah like I do you, 'Nee."

"And that's my point. The fans know Xena, even evil Xena, would never ever do such a thing to Gabrielle."

"But bed Xener deed do it."

"And now we owe them more than a hug to really end the rift, see?"

"Tell it to Uneeversal."

"Tell Rob to tell Universal."

"I don't teel Rob and Rob doesn't teel Uneeversal. We ah different worlds and we don't want to collide like thet."

"Oh, but you want me to tell them?"

"Eet's out of ouah hands, 'Nee. Let eet go."

"I'm going all right." Renee grabbed the menorah and headed for the door. "Thanks for the light, but friends or not, you're going to have to beg me before I ever kiss you again."

Lucy did not like being on the outs and trusted her friend would get over it before the peck-on-the-cheek scene came up next week. "You nevuh know when Yanks ah goin' to throw a wobbly", Lucy sighed to herself when her co-star left.

Back in her own trailer, Renee touched up her makeup and had to agree that the candles were indeed very bright. Appreciative as she was, she was still miffed and her busy mind envisioned her lean co-star down on her knees begging. All right, she thought, Lucy was a good friend, but they were going to have trouble getting along unless she admitted that Xena and Gabrielle should do something more for the subtext fans. Besides, even Lao Ma and Callisto had kissed Xena and she felt protective of her character's relationship with Xena.

Half an hour passed and the word came that nearly all of Auckland was without electricity after four power cables broke. The power level was critically low and what electricity was available was being diverted to emergency services such as hospitals and shelters. Already the Energy Minister called for a special committee to monitor the immediate developments of the power crisis, which was expected to last for more than a week. And the government promised a formal inquiry into the whole affair.

While the cameras used for filming Xena: Warrior Princess ran on batteries, special lighting was needed for filming even during the day, and those lights required other sources of electrical power. When the two stars went home they hoped the public's run on generators would keep the only other energy source out of the hands of the film crew, providing at least a few days of rest and relaxation for them and allowing them to keep their distance from each other.

Using the nine-candled Menorah to light her kitchen, Renee was thankful that she had a gas stove while she and her boyfriend prepared another fish dinner. Her freezer was still packed high with the free leftovers Rob and Lucy gave her after filming "The Quill is Mightier." The pair must have donated at least five or six hundred fish for that episode. But the paradoxically tough and shy Texan decided she was not going to develop an allergy over a ton of fish and when Steve went home this time she insisted that he take some of the melting fish off her hands. Finally relaxed, she blew out the candles and went to sleep.

Miles away, Lucy wondered if she should talk to Rob about her tiff with her co-star. Preferring not to talk shop at home, she did not, and retired early. Rob shook her awake.

"Wake up dear."

"Eet's the middle of the night, this bettah be good lovuh."

"The Energy Commissioner wants to meet with you and Renee ASAP…that good enough dear?"

"The Energy Commissionuh?"

"Yes. It seems he needs your help, and this is going to be good press for the show. Take as much time as you need because it doesn't look like we can go one filming until this power crisis is over."

Lucy and Renee were in the commissioner's office within the hour. He introduced himself and thanked them for coming in their costumes.

"We want to heelp Commissionuh Beadford. If weering ouh cozzies weel heelp us be of heelp, weah heepy to do it. Right Reneé?"

"You bet partner," the Texan agreed. Lucy and the commissioner quirked their in brows in unison and looked at the young woman. "Imeant mate, she's my mate. Geez, give me a break."

"She's from The States."

The commissioner looked at her with no small amount of pity and continued. "We need youh heelp to apprehend Dahak."

"Dahak!?" The women exclaimed.

"Yes. An armed and dangerous terrorist named Dahak is responsible for cutting the powuh cables and he says he's going to continue until the whole world is without electricity. Ouch!" He moved the candelabra the young woman had brought further away and rubbed a glob of wax from his hand.

"But eesn't Dahak an evil being from ancient mythology." Lucy asked. She and Renee were stunned. Was life imitating art?

"Yes. Gobsmacking isn't it? As I said, he's a madman. For some reason he wants to talk with the two of you. My hope is that you'll be able to outwit him and talk him into giving himself up."

The two friends looked at each other and nodded their heads. "Wee'll do everything we cen commissionuh."

Commissioner Beadford drove them to the terrorist site. Pointing to an underground tunnel he offered some advice. "Don't take the cendles, just the lantuhn. Dahak is waiting and theahs some leaky gas pipes along the way.

The pair made their way down way down the steep, dark underground passage. Occassionally the odor of rotten eggs let them know they were near a gas leak and they pushed on. Finally they saw a glowing light at the end of the tunnel and a tall man with long black hair rose from the ground.

"Howahd? Howahd Stehn!" Lucy pushed Renee behind her to protect her from the vulgar beast.

"Yes, and my eternal name is Dahak. Welcome to the land of Danceyafoolya. I've been waiting for you." Howard began to dance, his long legs swaying to the bluesy rhythm of a saxaphone.

"What do you want Howahd?" Lucy's hand rested on her chakram and her eyes became slits.

"I want to crush the spirit of everyone on earth and have them bow down before me…starting with you and your sidekick, what else?"

"Why us?"

"Because as you go, so goes the world."

Renee stepped out from behind her co-star to address the beast. "And what's to stop us from beating you up and just pulling you out of here?" She pointed her staff at him. "Huh?"

Speeding up his rhythm, Howard responded, "Your weapons are of no use in Danceyafoolya. Power is gained through the dance…Tell me the truth, you find me attractive don't you? You want me bad, I can see it in your eyes. You do, don't you."

"You ah so disgaasting Howahd, how cen you live with youhself?"

"Lucy, Lucy, Lucy…Don't fight me. Do you feel the power of my rhythm yet?" His long hair dangled and his feet moved faster. "You want me too, you're just too stubborn to admit it."

"All I feel is disgaast, and a slight drift."

"That's the draft from the airshaft. Couldn't stay down here for long without it. It keeps my fire going without the risk of blowing up." He slithered closer to Renee and she swung her staff to hit him but it bounced back without touching his legs. A snake sprouted from both of his shoulders, winding in his hair and the women felt faint. Lucy's lantern burts into flames.

"Flimes! Stay behind me," Lucy pulled her back again, "We can't touch 'em with ouh weapons…Hmmm, and if you caen't beat eem up, theen join 'em." Lucy began doing the dance of the three veils, without the veils. Jazz, Peter Gunn style, mingled with Howard's blues as she moved her hips seductively. "C'mon 'Nee, do thet porky pig theeng you do."

Tossing aside her staff, Renee began swinging her arms with abandon. She knew the moves so well she could do them in her sleep. The three dancers and their music began to build to a crescendo. A strong wind came from the airshaft and blew out the fire. In the dark, they continued to dance to their own rhythm.

"You want me girls, admit it," Howard droned on relentlessly, "You want to bow down and kiss my feet. Go ahead, I'll let you worship me. I want you to."

"Give eet up Howahd, we want you locked up wheuh you beelong. Ah you steel dancin' 'Nee?"

"Oh yeah, I'm a dancing fool Lu', but I think the best we can hope for is a stand off. What're we going to do?"

"Weell, I shuah don't want to cark eet down heah with Howahd, do you?"

"No, that wouldn't be my first choice."

~'I can't believe you forgot about me', ~ a familiar voice whispered in Lucy's mind. ~'Never forget your alter ego Lucy'.~

~'Xener?'~

~'Yeah. Want some help?'~

~'I'd appreciate eet.'~

~'All right. I'll help you nail Dahak, and then you'll help me.'~

~'How cen I heelp you?~

~'Listen to your mate. I think she's right about me and Gabrielle needing to share a smooch.'~

~'I'm gobsmacked. Here I am dancin' my butt off with my co-star next to the most vile being in existence and my altuh ego is blackmailing me?'~

~'Just one real good kiss, that's all I'm asking you for. We did it with Ulysses didn't we? Aw, c'mon Lucy. Don’t make me beg. It's the only thing that'll make up for that…that…'~

~'Gebdreg?'~

~'Arghhh. Yeah, that.'~

~'Eet really means thet much to you does eet?'~

~'It does.'~

~'I'll do it foah you then…somehow.'~

"Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi." The piercing battlecry burst from Lucy's throat with renewed energy. Leaving behind the dance of the three veils, she did a warrior dance that no one could see, but gave her tremendous power. The sound of Xena's fighting music rose up from the ground.

Howard felt her forcefullness and demanded that she stop.

"Ah you getting upset Howahd?" She was all over the place and her authority was overwhelming him.

"Yes. Stop it! Stop! I liked the other dance better."

"But I like this one."

Hearing the warrior's music, Renee broke out in an Amazonian dance that lasted until she and Lucy both collapsed in a sweaty heap next to each other. Without music the silence was deafening.

"'Nee?"

"Lu'? Where's Howard?"

"Back wheah he belongs, in New Yawk City." The answer came from a loud, hearty woman who carried Lucy's restored lantern.

"Rosie?"

"Well it ain't Jay Leno sweethawt. Actually, my eternal name is Aphrodite, and I just love people…well except for Howard, but then he ain't exactly a person, har de har har. Whatevuh. I brought you heah to resolve yoah little tiff with blondie. Didja?"

"What's she talking about Lu?"

"I think she's talkin' about thet whole reeft, gebdreg, keesing thing."

"We haven't resolved it Rosie."

"No?" Rosie looked at Lucy. "I liked Bittah Sweet by the way."

"Grrrrrr." Reneé picked up her staff.

"Becuz it's a musical. Jus' don't see many of those on serial tv shows, know what I mean?"

"Yeah, they're about as rare as a real kiss between women to mend a broken heart," said blondie.

"I'll do it 'Nee."

"You will? Really Lu?"

"Really."

****(Days Later)***

Electricity flowed once more through all of Mercury Energy's cables and Auckland was well lit.

Once again the relationship between the warrior from Amphipolis and the bard from Poteidaia had been tested, stretching the boundaries of both women's souls. Reaffirming their love, Xena's startling blue eyes warmed Gabrielle's melting hazel ones and the camera moved in tight to catch every subtle little movement and exquisite nuance of emotion. The xinnuendoes were flowing. Then, without warning, everything went black.

The dual-light and dark camera kept on recording and only the crew member that cut the lights, Lucy, Renee, Xena, Gabrielle and Avicus knew about the kiss, until the episode aired. Oh, and Steve and Rob of course, who found out five minutes before. Too bad there hadn't been time for a director's cut. Bloomin' power companies.

The Bittuh Eend ~