Warning Warning Warning to all Ally McBeal Fans

Xena, Gabrielle and the Unisex Bathroom

by Lord Nelson

I woke up a couple of days ago with a dream. It was a scene from Ally McBeal. Remember I've been threatening to write an Ally fanfic. This dream must have been my first attempt.

Ally and Georgia were having one of their little heart to hearts near the vanity of the unisex bathoom at the law firm of Cage and Fish, when there was a huge flash of white light followed by exclamations of surprise from two of the stalls. Georgia, who was looking at the stalls let her eyes fly wide open in surprise. Ally was badly startled and nearly fell off her shoes again when Georgia caught her and they heard a dark, rich feminine voice shout in English,


"I'm here, wherever this is, but I can't see you! I'm in this stall of some kind and I'm sitting on a chair that looks to be made out of porcelain!"

"Oh my, God!" Ally began to whine repeatedly, her eyes made even larger by fear. She quickly hid behind Georgia, because one of the stall doors flew open with a violent crash accompanied by the music of metal rasping on leather. A very tall, athletic black haired woman dressed in dark brown leather and brass, with flashing blue eyes, bolted out of the stall. A hideously long sword flashed in the flourescent lighting.

"GABRIELLE!" The woman shouted again.

"I'm here! I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this thing!"

"Crawl under the door!"

"Oh, right! There was a grunt of effort from an opposite stall and a short, young, blonde woman in a revealing costume emerged. She was pushing a long thing that to Ally and Georgia appeared to be some kind of pole in front of her.

You all right, Gabrielle?" called the tall woman, and the shorter one nodded shakily.

Georgia shook in silent shock and Ally kept muttering, "Oh my, GOD!"

The woman in leather strode cautiously towards Georgia and Ally. Ally was positively teetering on her shoes as she bent down slightly behind the shoulder of Georgia's natty brown suit. Her eyes open and staring, Ally started to chew on the fabric of Georgia's padded shoulder. "All right." began the woman, "Who are you, and where are we?" She slowly advanced until the sword lightly touched Georgia under the chin.

"P...Put that thing away. You're in the bathroom!" Georgia exclaimed.

Ally finally stopped muttering and started saying while nodding, "Cage and Fish, Cage and Fish!" She caught herself repeating herself again and stopped with a huge, embarassed smile.

"Cage and Fish?" the smaller woman asked. "We're not off on one of your fishing obsessions again; are we, Xena? Gabrielle looked around, "And if this is a cage or dungeon it's a mighty nice one, cool architecture."

Ally piped up. "It's a law firm! John Cage and Richard Fish are the partners. Georgia and I are associates.."

"I hate lawyers," Xena growled. "Why did you bring us here?"

Before Georgia or Ally could answer, the door of the bathroom flew open and a tall man with short red hair, dressed in shirt, tie and bright red suspenders walked in. He was looking down for an instant, but when he looked up, his eyes flew open in total amazement. Then Richard Fish's face changed to an expression of unalloyed lust. "Oh, Hi! Richard Fish here!" He shouldered his way past the shaking Ally and Georgia and walked towards Xena. He was utterly oblivious to the danger.

"Oh Gee, Sorry, you have a smudge on your chin there. Guess you must have missed it when you put on your makeup. Uhh, what's your name?" Fish asked lugubriously.

Xena looked at him skeptically then she narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "I have a what on my WHAT?" she asked dangerously.

"RICHARD!" both Ally and Georgia called. They were now BOTH shaking with terror.

Fish closed in, and he raised his finger. "No here, here it is. It's a shame such a fine looking woman with great taste in clothes should have a smudge on such a beautiful chin." Fish's finger moved towards the tiny bit of skin under Xena's sharp jaw line.

Xena looked at Fish at first in a sideling manner then her eyes flew wide open in shocked realization. Her expression turned to intense anger.

"XENA DON'T!" Gabrielle shouted.

Xena took one hand off of her sword hilt, grabbed Fish under the chin and lifted him off the ground with amazing strength. "You put a grubby hand on my wattle and I'll tear yours RIGHT OFF! Got it?" Xena's face appeared insane with rage.

Squirming like a hooked fish, Fish, with enormously wide eyes choked out. "Oh, OK, Sorry. Won't do it again! Hah, Bygones!"

At that very instant, the door flew open again and a small, precisely dressed, curly haired man with a VERY distracted expression walked in. He looked at the tableau around him, stopped for a moment and held up a little white device with a hand. Quietly he said, "I like a fresh bowl." He pushed a button and there was the sound of a sudden rush of water from a nearby stall.

Everybody started and Xena dropped Fish who quickly scrambled up and headed towards the door. John (The Biscuit) Cage silently entered the stall and closed the door.

"What in Tartarus was THAT?" Gabrielle exclaimed.

"TTTToilet!?" Ally exclaimed.

Xena finally relented and began to put away her sword. "You people are WIERD!" she said.

Suddenly the door opened again, and an attractive, but slightly trashy looking young, blonde woman entered. Her huge brown eyes flew open in recognition and she exclaimed, "XENA!"

Xena replied, "Elaine! What is going ON here?" Xena asked in a frustrated tone. Ally, Georgia, and Gabrielle all looked at each other in a stunned silence.

Then Ally fell heavily off her shoes.

That's my dream. Sigh.


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