The characters Xena and Gabrielle are the property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. All the other characters are mine, unfortunately.
(Our heroines are on vacation in the Bahamas. On this particular evening they are just sittin' on the dock of the bay, watchin' the ti-ide rooo...WHAP! Stop that! Anyway, while they're sitting there a guy on a donkey rides up.)
Guy on jackass: Which one of youse guys is Ex-ena?
Ex-ena er, I mean Xena: That's Xena, you knucklehead!
Guy: Whatever. I gotta Tern-O-Gram for ya.
(Xena takes note.)
Gabrielle: A Tern-O-Gram?
Guy: Dats right. It's the latest ting in commun...comm...sendin' messages. We use deze boids to carry 'em. (He bends down and whispers in Gabby's ear.): They're really just pigeons and not terns. The advertising boys thought Tern-O-Gram sounded a lot snappier than Pigeon-O-Gram.
Gabrielle (Puzzled look on face.): Oh. I see. I...think.
Xena: This note is from Captain Kidder.
Gabrielle: The pirate? What's it say? (Xena hands the note to Gabrielle who reads:)
Gabrielle: Humph! What a mixed up guy. If he wants our help so badly why does he keep saying stop?
Xena (Sighs.): Never mind, Gabrielle. (To guy): Okay, send this back to Captain Kidder:
Guy: Okay, got it.
Xena: How does that sound to you, Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: How does it sound? I don't even know what you just said!
Xena (Sighs again.): Skip it.
Guy: Hey! Don't I get a tip?
Gabrielle: Of course you do. Lay off fatty foods and set up an exercise regimen and you will be much healthier.
Xena: Don't even ask.
(Two days later X&G are standing on the pier where the "Gloomy Gus" is moored.)
Captain Kidder: Xena! Gabrielle! Arrr, it's good to see ya agin me hearties. You be a sight fer sore eyes.
Gabrielle: Howdy doody, Captain.
Xena: Have you got a full crew yet?
Captain: Not yet but I'm expectin' good news in that regard. Israel and Pete 'ave been doin' a peachy keen job of shanghaiing, er uh, I mean recruitin'.
Gabrielle: You mean Israel Feet and Short Pete Silver?
Captain: Aye, lass. Them two and Ol' Bucky are the only bilge rats that stood by their old captain against them scurvy mutineers.
(Xena, Gabrielle, and Captain Kidder board ship.)
Captain: Israel! Israel Feet! Blast yer scuppers, whar be ye?
Israel Feet: Here, I am, cap'n. I was just tellin' Pete and Bucky that two of our old shipmates is back with us.
Short Pete Silver: Gabby!
Gabrielle: Hiya, Pete. How are they hangin'?
Bucky, Israel, and the Captain: HAR! HAR! HAR!
Pete (Frowns.): Not that again! Tis a fine lot 'o ye that would make mirth over a swabs--
Bucky, Israel, and the Captain: HAR! HAR! HAR!
Pete: Arrr, how duz a swab git out of this chicken outfit anyways?
Captain (Claps Pete on back.): You had yer chance, matey.
Israel: Bucky, you remember Xena and Gabrielle don't cha?
Bucky: Gary Bell? Didn't he pitch--
Gabrielle: You're not going to start that again, are you?
Captain: Now that the introductions have been made, Xena can ya git to work?
Captain (Rubbing hands.): Capital! Capital! I knew ye were a gal after me own heart. Israel!
Captain: Assemble the crew!
Israel: Aye, aye, cap'n.
(Five minutes later twelve men are lined up on the foredeck of the ship.)
Captain: Lads, this here is Xena, the saltiest sea dog that eer sailed the Spanish Main. 'Ceptin' me of course. I brung her and Gabby here to take over trainin' you swabs to be genuine pirates. Xena, they're all yers.
Xena: Okay, people, first thing I want you to do is count off in groups of fours.
Sailor #1: One!
(Sailor #2 has desperate look on his face but says nothing.)
Sailor #2: Oh yeah, two.
(Xena rolls her eyes.)
Sailor #3 (Counting on fingers.): Three!
Sailor #4: Many!
Sailor #4: Me old man always said anything 'bove three wuz many. (Xena slaps her forehead and slowly pulls her hand down her face.)
Xena: Okay, we'll forget this. Gabrielle, you take six of these, ahem, "men," aft and teach them the Pirate Song.
Captain: Xena, why don't you take these five 'ere and show 'em how to pick up a sword without cuttin' their own ears off?
Xena: Okay, but what about the other guy?
Captain: He's gonna swab the poop deck.
Captain: You there! What's your name again?
Sailor (Stammering badly.): Abadeabadeabade...it's F-F-Fox, sir.
Captain: What be wrong with ye, boy? Yer tongue strip a gear? Now up to the poop deck with ye!
Sailor: Oh, oh, sir.
Captain: Thats aye, aye, ye blitherin' idiot. (Bucky hands Fox a mop and a bucket.) Now be off before I keel haul ye!
(Not So Able Seaman Fox attempts to salute but forgets he has a bucket in his hand and conks himself right in the head.)
Captain (Sighing.): Arrr. I shoulda listened to me dear ol' mum and went into something where I could put me deviant behavior and immoral tendencies into something more profitable--like lawyerin'.
(Meanwhile, back aft.)
Gabrielle: Okay. We're all going to learn the Pirate Song. Do any of you know it?
(No one does.)
Gabrielle: Okay, it's a very simple little ditty really. It goes like this:
Gabrielle: Okay, now anybody want to try it? How about you there? The one with the wooden eye.
Woody (Clears throat.):
Gabrielle: Jeez, your ears must be made out of wood too.
Captain: So how are they doin', Gabby?
Gabrielle (Holding stomach.): I think I'm gonna be sick.
Captain: Keep tryin, lass, keep tryin'. I know they ain't exactly no mental giants 'ere but make 'em do it til they get it right. They ain'ts true pirates if they don't knows the song. So keep 'em at it, okay?
(Gabrielle pukes over the railing and holds her hand up.)
Captain: I'll take that fer a yes. (At the same time Xena has troubles of her own. While trying to run through some very basic sword techniques with them one guy drops his sword on her foot, another one manages to slice his own belt in two with the inevitable result, and still another, in a misguided attempt to impress Xena, forgets to look where he is going and falls into the hold of the ship.)
Nondescript sailor: You all right, lady?
Xena: Thats laddie! (She turns to the Captain.): This is the sorriest bunch of blokes I've ever seen. Gabrielle could lick the lot of 'em with one hand.
Captain: Arrr. I think ye be right, matey. I guess I'll have to get on the horn with some other captains. Maybe I can work out a trade or two. I might shop around Excey, Piloto, and Simpson there for a good hand and maybe a pirate to be named later.
Xena: Well you better do something. Right now you couldn't capture two nuns in a rowboat.
Israel: Ya know, Pete, I ain't much likin' the way this 'ere story is goin'.
Pete: I knows what ye mean. I 'spected us to 'ave bigger parts.
(The captain goes to the poop deck and, to his disgust, finds Seaman Fox squatting down doing the Number Two in his mop bucket!)
Captain: Blast you, ye durn fool! What think ye be doin'!
Seaman Fox: B-b-but, Captain, Y-y-you said it w-w-was a "poop" deck.
Captain: ISRAEL! ISRAEL!
(Israel and Short Pete come running.)
Israel: Aye, Captain. What be the trouble?
Captain (Pointing at Fox.): GET HIM OFF MY SHIP! GET HIM OFF MY SHIP!
Israel: But, Cap'n...
Captain: NOW! I can tolerate murder, rape. lootin' and pillagin' but I can't stands indecent exposure!
(Israel and Short Pete look at each other and shrug. They pick up Not So Able Seaman Fox and chuck him over the side.)
Short Pete (Dusts off hands.): 'Appy landings, mate.
Seaman Fox: YAAAAAAAAAAAAHH (Pause for breath.) AAAAAAAHHHHH!
(At first Seaman Fox is glad to be rid of the dopey captain but he then realizes he has company. It seems two large and rather hungry sharks have invited him to dinner.)
Seaman Fox: What a revoltin' development.
MUNCH! MUNCH! CHOMP! GNASH! SLURRP!....BEEEEELLLCH!
(Shark #1 Frowns and spits out belt buckle.)
Shark #2: I say, old bean, why did you do that?
Shark #1: I am endeavoring to reduce my iron intake, Nigel.
Shark #2: A splendid idea, Percy. One should refrain from overindulgence.
Pete: Blimey! Did you 'ear that?
Pete: A fine thing, gettin' upstaged by a couple of hams.
Shark #2: I say up there. We are not pigs, my good man, we are sharks. Hammerheads to be exact.
Israel: Aww, go chew on some barnacles.
Shark #1: Come, Nigel, let us take our leave of these...ruffians.
(Guy on jackass rides up to the dock.)
Guy: Yo! Xena! I gotta anudder Tern-O-Gram for ya!
Xena: Who's it from?
Guy: Some guy named Hercules.
Gabrielle: Hmph. What does he want? Another guest appearance from us to boost his ratings?
Xena: Be nice now, Gabrielle. Remember if it wasn't for old Herc none of us would have a job. (To guy): What does the message say?
Guy (Opens message.):
Xena: Sorry Captain, I guess I'll have to go pull Herc's fat out the fire once again. It's a hero thing, you understand.
Captain: Arrrr. 'Course I do. And if that 'ero business you're in ever gets a little slack you always has place 'ere, matey.
Xena: Why thanks, Captain. Thats mighty neighborly of ye, I mean you.
Gabrielle: So it's back to Greece then?
Xena: Or New Zealand, I dunno. We might take a detour and go someplace different. Herc's ass can hold out a little longer.
Gabrielle: Humph. Those stupid writers have already sent us to every corner of the known world this year. The only place left is the...
Xena (Claps hand over the Gabster's mouth.): Gabby, don't say it!
Gabrielle: Say what? The moon?
Xena (Places hand over her eyes): Now you did it.
(Deep in the dungeon where the writers of X:WP are kept slaving over wilder and wilder scripts, one the of Chosen Ones raises his/her head.)
Writer (Take your pick.): Hmmm. The moon huh? Not bad. How would I...
(Opening scene of X:WP. Ares has X&G tied a rock inside a giant slingshot.)
Ares (Rubbing hands.): Mahahahaha! You've foiled my plans for the last time. You're goin' to the moon, Alice! You're goin' to the moon!
Gabrielle: He's finally flipped his spatula.
Xena (Snarling.): This is all your fault, Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: Meeee! How do get that pray tell, oh Ye of the Exalted Ratings?
Ares: Ten, nine, eight...
Xena: If you hadn't made that crack about going to the moon before we wouldn't be in this mess. I told you the writers were desperate.
Gabrielle: Hey it was only a gag.
Xena: Well who's gagging now?
Xena: Hey, what happened to seven...six...five?
Ares: I'm a god, not a math major.
Xena: Rob will hear about,....yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
Ares (Cutting rope holding slingshot.): Liftoff! We have liftoff! Mahahahahaha! The world's first moon shot is under way! Hehehehehehe.
Xena (Holding on to rock for dear life.): Gabrielle, I'll get you for this.
Announcer: Fans, don't fail to miss (Yeah yeah. I know it's a
double negative. But you see, it's a gag, don't...fail...to, aw skip it.) next week's
exciting episode, Xena battles...what's that? You say it's another rerun? Oh. Never mind.
The Bard's Corner