It's that time of year again in Ancient Greece. It's the annual Olympus Super Bowl, where Xena's Amazons battle Dahok's Destroyers. The game is tied 35-35 after 4 quarters and now it's Sudden Death Overtime but since the Destroyers can't be destroyed, the first one to score wins.
Xena's Amazons are Xena (quarterback), Gabrielle (running back), Nebula (Centre), Ephiny (Wide Receiver), Solari (Wide Receiver), Joxer (Tight End), Hercules (Offensive Lineman), Iolaus (Offensive Lineman), Ares (Referee), Meg (Sideline Floozy).
Xena's Amazons have the ball on their own 26 yard line.
HERCULES - Come on, Xena, let me be quarterback this time.
XENA [rolls her eyes] - For the xillionth time, NO! You lost the bet fair and square.
HERCULES - But I thought you were going to retire after this game.
XENA - Maybe.
HERCULES [whines] - But I used to play in high school. I was pretty good too.
XENA: So? You said your sword would go for more than mine at the Salmoneous Mecca Convention, didn't you? I think 31,000 dinars is just a tad more than 525, don't you think?
HERCULES [mutters under his breath] - Who would've thought that a murdering harlot's sword would go for more than a demi-god's? [to Xena] So I miscalculated a little.
XENA [guffaws] - A little? [she walks away from him]
GABRIELLE - Xena, we're ready. Don't you want to sing your song before overtime starts?
XENA - Oh yeah.
HERCULES [groans] - not again. Xena, you've sung four times already. You're only supposed to sing at halftime, remember?
XENA [shrugs and grins] - 31,000 dinars.
IOLAUS - Yep, Herc, 31,000 dinars, can't argue with that. Besides I like her singing.
HERCULES - Who's side are you on, anyway?
IOLAUS - My own side.
Then he laughs evilly, his eyes illuminating with a reddish glare.
HERCULES [backs up] - Sorry, buddy, sorry.
Xena starts singing "Yes, I lied, thought I could protect----"
GABRIELLE [frowns] - Uh, Xena, sing something else, okay?
XENA [puzzled] - Okay. [thinks for a minute] "Ah weeeeehl, ah wehlahttalihahn---"
[All of Xena's Amazons, Dahok's Destroyers, Ares and the crowd groan in unison when they hear the beginning lyrics of yet another rendition of "Burial"]
GABRIELLE - Xena! A different one! Please!
JOXER - "I know, Gabby!" [he breaks into song] "Joxer, the Mighty---" Xena flings her chakram at him and he falls to the ground unconscious.
XENA - Okay, I know, I know. [Xena starts singing to Gabrielle] "You came along, you pulled me up, when I was down. The way you made me feel just took me by surprise... you fed the fire... Let the spirit move me... Let the spirit move me...
Gabrielle smiles dreamily as Xena sings, everyone else looks uneasily at the ground. Joxer gets up groggily.
Xena finishes singing and crouches behind Nebula, her strong hands reaching between her muscular thighs and begins giving signals to her team-mates. Gabrielle eyes Nebula jealously as she prepares to hike the ball to Xena.
XENA - Hut! hut! VI! IX! VII! M! Hut!
Xena gets the ball to begin the play and Joxer aims for Xena and trips the warrior before she can get the play off.
XENA [leaping to her feet] - Joxer! What are you doing?!?!
JOXER - You said to attack the quarterback when they have the ball!
XENA - Not me! The other quarterback!
JOXER [sheepishly] - Oh. Sorry. I forgot.
Xena gets up and dusts herself off, narrowing her eyes at Hercules who's trying very hard to stifle a laugh.
It's now 2nd down and 14 and Xena calls for a pass play. Gabrielle again eyes Nebula jealously as she hikes the ball to Xena.
XENA - Hut! hut! VI! LII! VIII! L! Hut!
The warrior backs away from the line of scrimmage looking for Ephiny and Solari as they try to elude tight coverage by the cornerbacks. Joxer breaks upfield, swerving haphazardly around the clearing, desperately avoiding the enemy. However, out of time, out of moves, and out of luck, he gets flattened by a troupe of Dahok's Destroyers.
Meanwhile, as Xena scans the field for a receiver, she's distracted by Joxer's antics and is caught totally off guard when a furious bard tackles her to the ground.
XENA - Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE [straddling a prone Xena] - I saw where you put your hands!
XENA - What?!!!
GABRIELLE - On Nebula's butt!
XENA - [exasperated] I did not!
GABRIELLE - Did too!
XENA - Did not! Besides, that's part of the game. [looking downfield] What happened to Joxer? I think he's hurt.
They both look as Joxer gets carried off the field unconscious, Meg fawning all over him.
GABRIELLE [still stradding Xena] - Don't change the subject, Xena!
XENA - [brushing away the bard's hair] Gabrielle, calm down, okay? It's only a game.
GABRIELLE - Yeah. Sure. You just watch your hands, Warrior Princess!
XENA [raises an eyebrow] - Why? You want to be the centre? We can play that later.
GABRIELLE [thinks about it for a second, then grins and leans into Xena for a kiss] - Yeah!
The passionate kiss deepens as they wrap their arms around each other, their hands exploring each other's bodies. All the players self-consciously look upfield, downfield, at the crowd, at their feet, anywhere but the two lovers on the field, when finally Ares throws a yellow scarf onto the field.
ARES - Delay of game!
XENA & GABRIELLE [giggling]: - Oh, sorry!
JOXER [back on the field but still a little woozy] - Yeah, what are you guys doing? Is that a hickey?
Xena jumps up dusting herself off.
XENA - This is _not_ a hickey!!!
JOXER - It's not? What is it then?
GABRIELLE - It's a..a...a...
XENA - It's a passion mark. [she stands up straight staring down Joxer] Any more questions?
JOXER [gulps] - No.
ARES - Are you guys playing or what?
XENA - Yeah, come on everybody.
Now it's 3rd down and 26.
Xena and the Amazons line up in formation.
XENA - Hut! hut! XI! M! IX! VIV! Hut!
Nebula hikes the ball to Xena, who steps back to throw the pass. Hercules stands around and half-heartedly blocks his Destroyer, who ploughs through the offensive line, flattening Xena behind the line of scrimmage.
XENA [jumps up angrily] - Steroid Boy! What was that about?!
HERCULES [smirks] - He was too strong for me.
XENA - It won't work, Herc, I'm still the quarterback.
HERCULES [incredulous] - You're going for it on 4th down at the 1 yard line?!?!!!!
XENA [smiles broadly] - Yep! Sure am.
GABRIELLE - Um, Xena, I think we're going the wrong way. Aren't we supposed to be going towards the other goal line?
XENA - Heh, heh. You're so good at stating the obvious.
It's 4th and 35 at Xena's Amazon's own 1 yard line.
They huddle up to discuss the next play.
JOXER - Now, what do I do again? I run over there and do what?
XENA - See that woman on the sideline? Dark hair? Blue eyes? Cheap perfume?
JOXER [squints his eyes] - You mean Meg?
EPHINY - Yeah. She's gonna need you.
NEBULA [hesitates] - Ahhhh, yeah, Joxer. Run over there. You'll be a distraction. A decoy. Totally out of the play.
JOXER - Okay, but I don't see how she's gonna---
SOLARI [impatiently] - Just do it!
JOXER - Okay! Okay! But who's _really_ going to get the ball?
XENA'S AMAZONS [whine] - JOXER!!!
Xena lines up behind Nebula again.
XENA - Hut! hut! M! IV! XXX! LII! Hut!
Xena fakes a hand-off to Gabrielle but none of the Destroyers are fooled. Xena scrambles behind the line of scrimmage in her own endzone looking for her target. Joxer runs as hard as he can towards Meg, taking the Destroyers with him as they flatten him on the sideline, knocking him unconscious once again.
Meanwhile, Gabrielle sneaks into the middle of the field and catches a laser beam from Xena. Dahok's Destroyers reverse direction and chase Gabrielle upfield and as they close in on her, Xena's chakram whooshes through the air, randomly slicing off each Destroyer's head. Ninety-nine yards later, Gabrielle safely makes it to the endzone and spikes the ball to begin a celebratory victory dance.
Xena races upfield, and tackles Gabrielle, kissing her as they roll around in the endzone in jubilation.
Xena's Amazons 41, Dahok's Destroyers 35
Joxer concussions - 3
Gabrielle tackles Xena - 1
Xena tackles Gabrielle - 1
Bruised egos - 1