~ When Pigs Fly! ~
by Lawlsfan

Disclaimers: All right, this utterly nonsensical sequal to "Fetish" was written in response to a challenge, which by the way hopefully ends here and now before the entire Xenaverse cries for my committal to the nearest asylum for the turnipy insane.

Subtext: Now as for this little tale, yes there is some subtext here so beware.

Oh, and I do not own the characters; you know who does so must I really repeat that? I just borrowed them and I’m certainly not gonna make any money on this one folks. And again, the names have not been changed in this story to protect the pure and the innocent and by no means those who claim to be so. Therefore, if you see any resemblance to a certain well-known bard and a certain well-known and beloved member of the Ex-guards mailing list, well then you are probably right. <Snicker> It’s them. A huge thank you to all the members of the Ex-guards for all the fun and comradery that has once again inspired me to write this little, ahem…tale.

And as for the porky pig content, well go ask Lariel. Only that sly bard knows the truth behind it all. And she said it couldn't be done. Ha! She was right. And will I ever write another one of these utterly rediculous tales? Maybe...when pigs fly. :-)

Feedback is always welcome at: lawlsfan@aschweb.com <mailto:lawlsfan@aschweb.com>.

Xena stopped dead in her tracks and cocked her head to the side, listening. Suddenly she heard it, the distinctive whistling of an incoming catapult projectile. Thrusting her hand out she abruptly grabbed the bard’s shoulder and tossed her shocked companion to the ground. "GABRIELLE! DUCK!"

"XENA!" The bard hit the ground with a loud ‘oof!’and rolled for cover behind a nearby water barrel just as the warrior hit the same spot she had just vacated and swiftly maneuvered in behind her. "WHAT in the name of Zeus'…!?"

"INCOMING!" Xena shouted as she covered the bard’s head with her arms, ducked her own head, and waited for the black powder explosion she assumed would follow.


Tap, tap, tap, tap… ‘Whee! Whee! Whee!...’ <fading into the distance>

After several moments, the two women carefully peered out around the side of the barrel then looked at each other, blue eyes blinking at green, completely mystified.

"All right, Xena. Like I said, WHAT in Zeus' name was that?"

Xena brought her hand quickly across the bard’s mouth to silence her. "Sh-h-h."

"Mmema, met meh mo," the bard mumbled barely resisting the urge to bite down on the restraining fingers.

"Gabrielle, listen."

The bard’s eyes glowed with green fire for a moment before she realized she did hear something too. A far off, but distinctive whistling, coming closer, and closer…

"Here comes another one!" Xena shouted into the bard’s ear and wrapped her arms around the little blonde’s head, shoving her hapless companion’s face into her armpit as the second projectile approached.

‘Whe-e-e-e-e….’ THUD!

Tap, tap, tap, tap… ‘Whee! Whee! Whee!…’ <fading into the distance>

"All right! That’s it!" the bard shouted as she hastily pushed the warrior away from her and stood up to inspect the village square for projectile damage. "I’m going to find out what…" She hesitated and her eyes darted about the square. But she saw nothing out of the ordinary except for two odd sets of tracks that seemed to trail off toward the Big Boar Tavern across the street. "Xena, what is going on here?"

The warrior was busy scratching her head, sniffing the oddly familiar odor in the air, and eyeing the tracks intently. "I’m not sure, but I think I could use a drink." That said, she started for the tavern leaving the bard shaking her head and completely lost in wonder at what had just happened.


Xena and Gabrielle carved a path through the stumbling and foul smelling patrons of the tavern, carefully avoiding the groping hands and pinching fingers while making haste directly to the bar. Xena slapped her hand down on the smooth wood to draw the barkeep’s attention causing every head in the joint to turn in their direction. At least to the fidgeting bard it seemed that every head, not to mention other anatomic parts, had turned their way as she nonchalantly swiped at her left buttock to remove a wandering hand then gave the owner of the offending appendage a swift elbow to the gut. ‘Ooof!’ He doubled over in pain and stumbled away mumbling something nearly as offensive as his breath. The bard grinned wryly.

Xena cast her companion a sidelong smirk before turning her attention toward the woman behind the bar. "I’ll have a mug of your strongest and my friend here," she pointed at Gabrielle who was busy dodging a slurping drunk’s drooling tongue which was rapidly closing on her ear, "she’ll have an apple cider and a towel."

Gabrielle wrinkled her nose, clenched her teeth, and in a flash latched onto the drunk’s flailing tongue and gave it a healthy yank then watched with smug satisfaction as his eyes began to water and he stumbled away. She quickly picked up the towel tossed onto the bar by the barkeep and began feverishly rubbing the drool from between her fingers. "Ah, Xena can we please just have that drink and get out of here before I get a rash or even worse…?" Hesitating with a look of utter disgust on her face, she shuddered and carefully removed a bit of the drunk’s leftover lunch from between her index and middle fingers and flicked it to the floor.

The warrior grinned, picked up her mug of ale and took a long drawl, then casually set the mug back down on the bar. "In a minute Gabrielle. I need to get some answers." She turned her sparkling blue eyes on the barkeep, a tall woman with penetrating green eyes. "Hey, who owns this, ahem…fine establishment?"

"Ah yep!" The woman threw her wiping rag down on the bar and extended her hand. "That would be me! Name’s Murphy! Thanks for the compliment! Pull up a seat! Make yourselves at home! What can I get for you!? Mug of Amazon Thunder, a tassel for your, ahem…never mind. Ah, maybe a goat…?!"

The warrior and bard were at first startled by the bubbling exuberance of the woman. They stood blinking at one another in amazement as Murphy continued on about how she had ‘acquired’ the Amazon Thunder from the Amazons. The story had something to do with providing ‘pure and innocent virgins’ for the 'use' of the entire tribe. The warrior and bard shook their heads and in an instant both decided they really liked this woman’s style. She certainly wasn’t like most of the barkeeps they’d met; she was…well…obviously and unequivocally different. Very likeable.

Gabrielle reached out and tentatively accepted the bright red tassel Murphy offered her. She smiled appreciatively and began twirling it around her finger in wonder. ‘Now what do you suppose they do with these?’

Xena suddenly grasped the woman’s hand in hers and gave it a hardy shake. "Xena."

The barkeep clasped her free hand to her chest, inadvertently scattering a handful of tassels about her onto the floor, and nearly keeled over in surprise. "Xena!? The warrior princess…THAT Xena!?"

Xena grinned wryly at the bard then turned again toward the gasping woman. "Is there another?" she said coyly.

Gabrielle smirked knowingly. ‘We can’t go anywhere without her being recognized.’

Just then a nearby eavesdropping drunk decided he wanted a taste of the warrior princess for himself and sauntered up behind the tall, dark and deadly one. Extending his trembling hand ever so slowly toward Xena’s right buttock his face slowly contorted into a senseless look of glee.

With a trained eye Gabrielle watched amusedly as Xena’s facial muscles indicated her next move would undoubtedly be toward the interloper’s throat if he got any closer. The bard closed her eyes and sighed deeply. ‘They just never learn.’ Innately sensing that the time was rapidly approaching for her to intervene before the warrior’s dark side came a calling, she opened her eyes, gritted her teeth and before Xena could initiate her wild warrior thing, the bard quickly made her own move. "Xena, relax. I’ll handle this," she said calmly as she lunged toward the groping drunk and immediately grasped his earlobe between her fingers, quickly spinning him away from his fleshy quarry. "Are you suicidal?" she hissed in a low, menacing timbre as she pulled down sharply on his lobe eliciting a loud ‘Ack!’ followed by an even louder ‘Hey!’. As he continued to moan under the pressure of her torturous hold she turned toward Xena and grinned wryly. "I always wanted to say that ‘suicidal’ thing."

Sensing he’d been had, the drunk’s moaning faded into a persistent whimpering as he finally retracted his offending paw. The bard slowly released his lobe and in a flipping motion, gestured for him to move along. He stumbled backward a step and gingerly rubbed his rapidly reddening ear. It was then that she noticed his eyes wandering down across her chest, ogling her heaving bosoms, his lips curling up revealing his brown, filth encrusted teeth. She grimaced, cringed, and held her breath as he opened his mouth to speak.

"Mmmm, nice set of…DUH!"

The drunk hit the floor with a loud THUD!

The bard retracted her still clenched fist. "You ARE suicidal aren’t you!" she said with a sneer as she dusted her hands together then stepped over him and took her place once again beside the warrior at the bar. "Pigs."

Xena and Murphy smiled politely at one another across the division, both trying hard not to break into a snicker.

Gabrielle was taking a deep swig of her apple cider when suddenly she slammed the mug down onto the bar and sneered at yet another drunk as he stumbled toward them with tankard in hand coming just a bit too close for her comfort. He caught her blazing eyes at the last moment and quickly scampered away to the far end of the bar where he tottered and cowered, somewhat resembling a crab being chased by a shark on a sandy, cover-barren ocean floor.

"Gabrielle, put it away. I think that one just wanted a drink," Xena said jocularly out of the corner of her mouth as she lifted her own mug to take another swig.

Murphy stared in awe at the amazing little blonde across the bar from her. She smiled tentatively at her, her green eyes flashing her approval. "And you must be…Xena’s…um…!"

Xena abruptly set her mug down on the bar and grasped Murphy’s wrist. "FRIEND!" She grinned wryly at the bard and slowly released the startled woman’s wrist. "Gabrielle is my best friend and I trust her with my butt…ah, I mean my backside," she hesitated and shuddered, "what I mean to say is…I trust her to watch my backside. No, what I mean is…she’s my…"

"SIDEKICK!" the bard shouted through clenched teeth as she slid her now empty mug across the bar toward Murphy. "Fill it up."

Murphy flashed the bard a toothy grin. "Wow! How did you get THAT job!?" She picked up the mug and turned toward the cider cask. "You are so-o-o-o lucky!"

"NO!" Gabrielle shouted, startling most of the patrons in the joint back to soberness, well at least the ones who had not yet drowned their sense of hearing into total oblivion.

Xena glanced at her partner with a dejected look in her eyes.

Catching the warrior’s wounded expression the bard quickly added, "I’ll have something stronger." She grinned broadly. "As a matter of fact, in honour of Xena’s rump…er, I mean backside, I’ll have a," her green eyes suddenly danced with playfully maniacal merriment, "TURNIP juice."

A collective ‘GASP!’ arose from the drunken lot surrounding the three women. It was followed closely by a buzzing murmur. "Xena…pssst…pssst…psssst…turnips…pssst…pssst…fetish…psssst…"

In shock, Murphy suddenly dropped the empty mug to the floor where it bounced about her feet with a loud clattering sound. Ever so slowly she turned around to face the little blond who continued to surprise and impress her at the same time. "You are so-o-o-o…!"

"Brave for her size." Xena interposed quietly as she emptied her own mug and slid it across the bar then sneered playfully at the bard.

"She’s been very, very good," Gabrielle said returning the warrior’s sneer with a broad grin.

Murphy glanced at Xena’s mug then looked inquiringly at the warrior’s face.

"No. No turnip juice for me thanks," the warrior responded. "I’m on the wagon."

"WE KNOW!" shouted the drunken crowd.

Xena turned and glared at them all, one by one, then slowly turned back toward the sheepishly grinning barkeep. "I think I’ll try some of that Amazon Thunder."

Murphy’s timorousness turned rapidly into a broad smile as she excitedly grabbed the mug off the bar and headed toward the cask of AT in the corner.

Meanwhile, Xena absently watched Gabrielle twirling the tassel about her finger. Her eyebrow arched abruptly. "Now what do you suppose…?"

But her thought was quickly interrupted when Murphy suddenly slapped a mug of turnip juice and a tankard of AT down on the bar, accidentally sloshing a bit of the contents of both onto the wood. "On the house my friends!"

Xena and Gabrielle watched as the spilled liquids slowly mixed together and an odd steam started to rise upward from the bubbling combination. They glanced at each other and shrugged, then picked up their respective mugs and drank deeply. After draining the contents, Gabrielle belched loudly and Xena’s eyes rolled back into her head as she gripped the bar and tottered back onto her heals. Quickly gathering their composure again they grinned at one another then in unison slammed their mugs back down onto the bar. The vessels clattered to the floor below as all three women stared in wonder at the large smoldering hole that had suddenly and inexplicably appeared in the surface before them.

"WOW!" Murphy exclaimed suddenly as she continued to stare down at the floor through the hole in her bar. "Sure want to be careful mixing that stuff together!"

Xena and Gabrielle looked at one another’s lips, blushed profusely, then shuddered and quickly shook their heads.

Just then they heard it, a familiar sound approaching from outside. Their eyes widened in alarm.

‘Whe-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e….’ THUD!
Tap, tap, tap, tap… ‘Whee! Whee! Whee!’

They spun toward the door as ‘it’ drew closer and closer and closer…

Tap, tap, tap, tap… ‘Whee! Whee! Whee!’

Xena grabbed the bard, shoved her behind her and quickly drew her sword with every muscle tensed and at ready for whatever danger or sinister presence was headed their way.

Tap, tap, tap, tap… ‘Whee! Whee!’

Gabrielle shuddered and grabbed Xena’s waist. "Xena? Wha…?"

"Ah, excuse me, Xena! I think I should…!" Murphy began.

The warrior princess, tottering slightly but never taking her eyes off the door, abruptly held up her hand to silence the bewildered barkeep. "Don’t worry <belch> little missy. I’ll handle this." She pointed her sword menacingly in the direction of the approaching…‘thing’.

Tap, tap, tap, tap… ‘Whee! Whee!’

"But…!" Murphy began again.

Suddenly the door was pushed open and in flew the most hideous looking creature that the warrior and bard had ever seen. They stared at it with eyes wide and mouths agape. It was short and pink and round and squat and four-legged and it was wearing a tight fitting sweater that was not at all flattering.

Gabrielle gasped. "By the gods, Xena. It’s a…"

"Homing piggy!" Murphy interjected with a proud smirk as she reached under the bar and tossed something into the back room. The pig sniffed the air and intently followed her every move.

Xena’s sword drooped as she shook her head attempting to clear the AT fog that had descended onto her brain. ‘What do they make that thunder stuff out of anyway?’

The huge pig sauntered through the barroom, instinctively dodging the staggering drunks who kept falling into its flight path, and headed toward the back door, it’s hooves clattering out a steady and nearly hypnotic beat as it passed by the bewildered warrior and bard. Then with one last toss of its head and a loud ‘Whee!’ it disappeared into the back room of the tavern.

Xena and Gabrielle looked at one another then looked at their empty mugs still lying on the tavern floor beneath the bar. Just then Gabrielle belched and an aroma of turnip wafted into the air and descended upon the warrior’s nostrils. Almost immediately her fingers began to twitch uncontrollably. She quickly sheathed her sword and hid her twitching appendages behind her back but she couldn’t control her drooling and rapidly increasing heart and breathing rate. Nor could she control her eyes as they suddenly began roving down across the bard’s face toward the source of her obsession, down her throat and across her shoulders and down to her…

Gabrielle suddenly noticed the glazed look in her friend’s eyes as they roved across her frontal plane. "Xena!"

Whether it was due to AT intoxication, flying pig trauma, or indeed a turnip fetish relapse, we may never know. But having temporarily lost control of her senses, the warrior’s hands slowly rose as though floating on the air and headed in Gabrielle’s direction, while her eyes zeroed in on the firm, plump, roundness of the bard’s...

"Xena, no!" Gabrielle shrieked and backed quickly toward the door, crossing her arms protectively across her chest as she went.

Undaunted, the warrior drew closer and closer and closer…

Meanwhile Murphy leaned on the bar with chin in hands, watching with bemused silence as the two women moved slowly toward the door. ‘Hmmm, odd,’ she thought as she watched Xena’s fingers clenching and unclenching and drawing ever nearer to the bard. Suddenly her eyes opened to the size of centaur dung when she finally realized what was happening and shrieked, "My gods! TURNIPS!" She sprinted toward the back room and ducked inside. Before long she reappeared, gripping a large, plump turnip in one hand while with the other hand she desperately tried to fend off the pig that was attached to the vegetable’s other end. Struggling and breaking out in a sweat she continued valiantly in her efforts; dragging the rather large pig behind her she slowly made her way across the room, one step forward and two steps back she heroically proceeded. "Xena! Wait!" she said breathlessly as she readjusted her grip on the turnip and tried again to release it from the pig’s mouth. The porker held fast and shook its head in response nearly tossing Murphy to the floor. Somehow she managed to stay upright and continued trudging and dragging across the room. "Arg! Drat you piggy! I have to save my FRIENDS!"

Xena hesitated as she heard the word ‘Friends’. A flash of a memory whizzed through her turnip obsessed brain of a room full of fetish suffers, not unlike herself, who had deemed themselves her friends. Ah yes, the good old Friends of Fetish Sufferers Sharing For The Greater Good. Suddenly her head cleared as she recalled Lariel's haunting voice declaring, 'Xena, if you ever fall off the turnip wagon please remember your Friends are here for you dear…'

"HOGWASH!" she snarled out loud without even realizing she had spoken.

Upon hearing the warrior’s utterance and quite without warning the pig suddenly let go of the turnip in Murphy’s grasp and the unawares barkeep sailed haplessly backward through the door and landed in the street beyond with a loud THUD!.

Without a backward glance the pig scampered out the back exit and toward the nearest mudhole.

Xena and Gabrielle hurried through the door and down the steps to Murphy’s side. As Gabrielle leaned down to help the barkeep to her feet, brushed her off, and inspected her for injury, Xena nonchalantly eyed the somewhat chewed and slobbery turnip that Murphy still gripped tightly in her hand. Casually the warrior’s hand, fingers twitching relentlessly, reached for the luscious, round, and quite succulent looking globe. The tips of her fingers barely grazed the little nub at the end when the bard’s hand suddenly latched onto her wrist halting her fingers’ mid-stroke. Xena turned her eyes beseechingly toward her companion. "But Gabrielle…"

"Xena, I’m telling you now. For your own good, not to mention the greater good of all of us, you will get your hands on another turnip ONLY when pigs…" she hesitated as a familiar sound erupted from somewhere in the sky above them.

The three women turned their eyes upward and watched the rapidly approaching dot becoming larger and larger.

‘Whe-e-e-e-e….’ THUD!
Tap, tap, tap, tap… ‘Whee! Whee! Whee!’

Gabrielle watched the pig land on all four feet then quickly scamper off toward the tavern with the banner attached to its tail trailing out behind on the breeze; it read simply, Murphy’s Big Boar Tavern.

"Fly," she added quietly as she slowly and resignedly released the warrior’s twitching hand.

Xena quickly grabbed the turnip from Murphy’s clutches and began rubbing and caressing it. Almost immediately the twitching in her hands ceased.

Murphy grinned broadly at her two new, and she supposed rather odd, friends. "So, do you like my advertising campaign!? It was Lariel’s idea!"

"Lariel?!" the warrior and bard said in unison as their eyes narrowed into matching sneers at the mere mention of the name.

Murphy chuckled. "Ah, yep! Lariel! Isn’t it great?!"

"Yeah, great." Xena nonchalantly dropped the turnip back into Murphy’s hand and stared off into the distance, her eyes narrowing into a sinister stare as she studied the horizon. "And where might we find Lariel now?" she hissed.

Murphy gulped loudly and glanced uneasily from the warrior to the bard and back again. ‘Uh-oh, trouble’ she thought. "Ah…um…I think she’s probably manning the catapult up on the hill above town. The piggies…ah…um…they just seem to trust her."

Xena glowered at the hill in question. "She’s got good aim hasn’t she?"

Murphy smiled hesitantly. "Ah yep! She’s the best shot around."

Noticing the warrior’s glowering growing even deeper across her face Gabrielle reached over and touched her gently on the arm. "Xena? You all right?"

The warrior glanced at her companion and smiled reassuringly. "Yeah, I’m fine. Matter of fact, I think I’m finally cured of my turnip fetish." She turned again toward Murphy. "Hey Murphy, can we get a pint of that AT and a pint of turnip juice…to go?"

Murphy grinned broadly and immediately trotted off toward the tavern to fill the warrior’s order. She hesitated momentarily just outside the door as if pondering something then shook her head and ducked inside.

Xena glanced back toward the hill her eyes again narrowing into a sneer.

Gabrielle uneasily followed her companion’s gaze. "Xena, you’re not thinking of…?"

"Paying a visit to a Friend," the warrior grinned broadly, "you bet I am."

Gabrielle opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted as Murphy vaulted passed her with two pint-sized containers and thrust them into the warrior’s hands.

Xena looked at the containers and grinned maniacally. Then she reached out and grasped Murphy’s hand comradely. "Thank you Friend."

Murphy smiled broadly. "Glad to have been of service, Xena! And to you Gabrielle!" She turned and enthusiastically patted the bard on the back nearly knocking the much smaller woman ass over in the process.

Gabrielle returned the smile and feigned a punch at the barkeep’s shoulder.

"All right, come on Gabrielle." Xena grabbed the bard’s arm and they headed out of town toward the hill.

Murphy watched them go for a while, blew them each a SMOOCH, then turned and while whistling a cheery tune headed into the tavern, casually tossing the turnip into the air and catching it again in time with her every step.

Gabrielle glanced over and watched the warrior’s face as they walked trying to read what lay behind those sparkling blue orbs. "Xena, you’re not thinking of…you know, with the turnip juice and AT?"

"No, of course not Gabrielle." The warrior glanced down at the two containers in her hands and grinned broadly. "Nah, I think with a little adjustment in the mixture it could make a fine hair bleach."

"Xena! You wouldn’t."

The warrior stopped suddenly and looked at her companion with a stoic expression. "Gabrielle, maybe I should try it out on you first." She took a step toward the bard. "What d’ya think?"

The bard took a step backward and covered her head with her hands. "Oh no you don’t warrior princess."

Xena grinned devilishly and withdrew. She started toward the hill again.

"So you’ve gone from having a turnip fetish to bleached blonde’s now, is that it?" Gabrielle said jocularly as she smoothed and then fluffed her feathery hair and broke into a trot to catch up. "All right Xena, how bout we try it on you first?"

Xena snickered maniacally. "Ha! When pigs…"

‘Whe-e-e-e-e….’ THUD!
Tap, tap, tap, tap… ‘Whee! Whee! Whee!…’ <fading into the distance>

The warrior and bard glanced uneasily at one another then watched the pig saunter down the slope behind them toward town.



"She knows we’re coming."


Gabrielle looked at the bottles gripped tightly in the warrior’s hands. "Xena, I believe you’ve been cured of your turnip fetish with an obsession for revenge."


Gabrielle grinned broadly. "Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt...just this once."

"Nope, I've got you to keep me from going too far, remember."


They gazed at each other a moment longer, exchanging a silent understanding, then turned toward the top of the hill just as another pig began its flight in their direction. 'Whe-e-e-e-e!'

"Let’s get her warrior princess!"



At the top of the hill Lariel snickered maniacally as she lured yet another squealing porker into place with a fresh turnip. Peaking over the top of the hill she glanced down over the slope, carefully measured her trajectory, and adjusted her specially designed pigapult so that a narrow miss would result. Hearing the faint sound of the warrior’s battle cry rapidly approaching, she quickly pulled back on the lever and let the pig fly then watched gleefully as it sailed out over the hilltop and into the valley below.

"Bwahahahahaha! I’ll get you my warrior princess…and your little bard too. Bwahahahahahaha!"

The End.
Gods help us if it’s not.

Lariel, my Friend! Thanks for the challenge!


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