Written by: Donna E. Trifilo and Catherine M. Wilson


Mid-afternoon. Xena's and Gabrielle's campsite. Xena and Gabrielle are lying in each other's arms

on their bedroll. Xena seems to be nodding off. Gabrielle's brows are knit in thought.



XENA: <snort> Huh?

GABRIELLE: Sorry, were you asleep?

XENA: No, no. Wide awake.

GABRIELLE: I'm not wearing you out am I?

XENA: Never! Not at all! No way! Unh uh!

GABRIELLE: How's your jaw?

XENA: It's fine. Do you need it for anything?

GABRIELLE: No, no... Just checking.

Several minutes pass quietly. Xena seems to be drifting off to sleep again. Gabrielle is wide awake and clearly thinking about something.


XENA: <snore>


XENA: <snork> Huh?

GABRIELLE: How old are you?

XENA: I lost count.

GABRIELLE: No, really.

XENA: Old enough to know better.

GABRIELLE: OK, OK. Go back to sleep.

XENA: I was just resting my eyes.

Several more minutes pass. Xena is trying to stay awake. Gabrielle is still thinking about something.

GABRIELLE: How many women altogether, do you think?

XENA: How many women altogether what?

GABRIELLE: Have you, uh, you know, been with?

XENA: How many have *you* been with?

GABRIELLE: Well, I used to sleep with my sister, but I don't think that counts...

XENA: Not unless you had that special sisterly bond they keep talking about in that Xenaverse magazine...

GABRIELLE: You subscribed to *another* magazine?

XENA: No. Joxer's passing his copies along to me.


XENA: You didn't, did you?


XENA: Have that special sisterly bond?

GABRIELLE: Of course not! We're not *that* Greek.

XENA: Good.

GABRIELLE: Would you be jealous?

XENA: A little, I guess.

GABRIELLE: How come?

XENA: I'm just glad I was your first.

GABRIELLE: First woman, anyway...

XENA: Ouch!


Several minutes pass...

GABRIELLE: So how many?

XENA: What?


XENA: I don't know. Does it matter?

GABRIELLE: You don't know or you're not telling?

XENA: I don't know offhand. I'd have to figure it out.

GABRIELLE: That many?

XENA: It didn't mean anything, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE: <hurt> What about me?

XENA: Huh?

GABRIELLE: Do *I* mean anything?

XENA: Of course you do. I meant the others didn't mean anything.

GABRIELLE: So how many others?

XENA: Is it important?

GABRIELLE: I'm just a little curious about them...

XENA: What exactly are you curious about?

GABRIELLE: Well, how old were they?

XENA: How old?

GABRIELLE: You said M'Lila was just a teenager when she died.

XENA: <pained look> Yeah. Way too young to die.

GABRIELLE: And that Black Wolf girl...

XENA: Flora.

GABRIELLE: You knew her when you were just kids.

XENA: Yeah.

GABRIELLE: And you knew Helen of Troy before she married.

XENA: Uh huh.

GABRIELLE: And me of course.


GABRIELLE: It just seems that all of them were really young.

XENA: I was pretty young myself then...

GABRIELLE: But what about now?

XENA: What *about* now?

GABRIELLE: You're probably thirty-something and you're still dating teenagers.

XENA: Hey!!!

GABRIELLE: Doesn't it strike you as odd?

XENA: Are you saying I should date somebody else?


XENA: What then?

GABRIELLE: I just wonder why you're attracted to me.

XENA: It's not just that, Gabrielle. I *love* you.

GABRIELLE: <blushes> Oh, Xena.

Several minutes pass. Xena is wide awake and looking a bit worried. Gabrielle looks like she might be drifting off to sleep.

XENA: Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE: <snork> Huh?

XENA: Does it bother you that I'm older?


XENA: Do you think there's something wrong with me?


XENA: It's OK. I can take it.

GABRIELLE: Xena, you're an ex-warlord subject to nightmares, who occasionally succumbs to the influence of Ares and hollers things like "Kill them all!" I'd say you might be a few beans short of a burrito.

XENA: <crestfallen> Am I that bad?

GABRIELLE: Oh, honey, I was just teasing.

XENA: Oh. <kisses Gabrielle's forehead> Go back to sleep.

Several minutes pass. Gabrielle is sound asleep and snoring. Xena extricates herself from Gabrielle's embrace and looks down at her for a minute, then gets up and leads Argo quietly away from the campsite.





Later. In town. Xena approaches a building that has a sign

over the door that says "Dr. Fealguhd." She ties Argo up

outside and goes into the building.


[Dr. Fealguhd's appearance courtesy of Joanna Sandsmark.]


Dr. Fealguhd's waiting room.


NURSE: Do you have an appointment?


XENA: This is an emergency.


NURSE: I'll see if the doctor is in.


XENA: Thanks.


NURSE: <into the intercom> Doctor, are you free?


DR. FEALGUHD: Sure, why not?


NURSE: <to Xena> That'll be two dinars.


Xena reaches into her cleavage, causing the nurse to gasp,

pulls out a coin purse, takes out two dinars, and gives

them to the nurse.


NURSE: Thank you. <fans herself> You may go in now.


Xena goes into the doctor's office.


DR. FEALGUHD: What can I do for you?


XENA: I have a problem.


DR. FEALGUHD: Problems 'R' us! <heh heh>

What seems to be the matter?


XENA: Well, I always seem to get involved with really

young girls.


DR. FEALGUHD: Girls?!?!


XENA: Is that a problem?


DR. FEALGUHD: Let's see.


Dr. Fealguhd picks up the latest copy of the Handbook of the

American Psychiatric Association and leafs through it.


DR. FEALGUHD: What year is this?


XENA: Anywhere between 1200BC and 50 AD.


DR. FEALGUHD: Too bad. After 1973AD, doing it with girls

wouldn't be a problem.


XENA: I don't have a problem with doing it with girls.




XENA: No. It's that the girls I do it with are never

over 19 years old.


DR. FEALGUHD: And you are...


XENA: Older than that.


DR. FEALGUHD: Aha!!! <scribbles on her notepad>


XENA: What?


DR. FEALGUHD: Nothing. Go on.


XENA: That's it.


DR. FEALGUHD: Uh, so why are you only attracted to teenagers?


XENA: I was hoping you could tell me.


DR. FEALGUHD: I see. <scribbles on her notepad>


Xena grabs the notepad from Dr. Fealguhd and looks at it.


XENA: <reads> Diagnosis: LAD.

Shouldn't that be LASS?


DR. FEALGUHD: That's L-A-D. It stands for Libidinal Affective



XENA: What's that?


DR. FEALGUHD: You're a chickenhawk.


XENA: Oh, dear.


DR. FEALGUHD: Not a big deal. Just stay away from anyone

under 16 and you'll be fine.


XENA: Under 16?


DR. FEALGUHD: Yep. It's a no-no. Jail bait. Bad news.


The sound of someone entering the waiting room is heard.

Then the door of Dr. Fealguhd's office opens and Gabrielle



GABRIELLE: Xena! I was so worried about you! I woke up

and you were gone.


Dr. Fealguhd scribbles something on her notepad.


XENA: I'm sorry.


Gabrielle plops down on the floor next to Xena and lays her

head in Xena's lap.


GABRIELLE: Oh, Xena. I missed you so much.


XENA: <strokes Gabrielle's hair> I missed you too.


GABRIELLE: Don't ever leave me like that again.


XENA: I won't. <pat, pat> There, there.


Dr. Fealguhd scribbles furiously on her notepad.


GABRIELLE: <to Xena, pointing at Dr. Fealguhd>

Who's that?


XENA: Dr. Fealguhd.


GABRIELLE: <worried> A doctor? Oh, no! Are you sick?


XENA: Not that kind of doctor, Gabrielle. She's a



DR. FEALGUHD: Psychiatric social worker.


XENA: Whatever.


DR. FEALGUHD: We're having a two-for-the-price-of-one special

today. Maybe your little friend would like some



GABRIELLE: <sarcastic> Her 'little friend'?


XENA: Chill, Gabrielle.

<to Dr. Fealguhd> Does she need help?


DR. FEALGUHD: She appears to be suffering from a bad case of



GABRIELLE: Hey! I took all twelve steps!


XENA: You did?


GABRIELLE: Just once... Anyway, I'm only XV. Co-dependency

comes with the territory.






DR. FEALGUHD: <to Xena> Is this one of them?


XENA: Yeah.


DR. FEALGUHD: And she's only XV?


XENA: <to Gabrielle> I thought you said you were XVI.


GABRIELLE: XV, XVI, what's the difference?


DR. FEALGUHD: A jail term.


GABRIELLE: You can't put me in jail. I'm an emancipated

minor. I've been married and everything.


DR. FEALGUHD: Oh, well, that's all right then.


XENA: Are you sure?


DR. FEALGUHD: An emancipated minor is OK.


XENA: That was a bit too close for comfort.



GABRIELLE: What's so funny?


XENA: I was just thinking, after all the things I've

done, I could end up going to jail for loving



GABRIELLE: If you go to jail, I'm going with you!


XENA: Really?


GABRIELLE: Where you go I go.


XENA: Gee, Gabrielle. That's really sweet...

<to Dr. Fealguhd>

But what are we going to do about all our



DR. FEALGUHD: Oh, puh-leeze. You think you have *problems*?

Believe me, you have nothing to worry about.


GABRIELLE: <to Xena> Did you pay in advance?


XENA: Yeah.


GABRIELLE: Well the least you could do is give us a



DR. FEALGUHD: OK. <ahem> It is my professional opinion that

the coincidental conjunction of the elder

partner's L.A.D. and the younger partner's

adolescent insecurities, coupled with rampant

co-dependency, could provide a therapeutic

environment of mutual need that will foster the

growth of both partners.


XENA: And that means...?


DR. FEALGUHD: You're perfect for each other.


GABRIELLE: <brightly> Really?




Gabrielle jumps up and skips around the room, knocking over

a trophy that was prominently displayed on Dr. Fealguhd's desk.

She picks it up, checks to make sure it's not broken, then

replaces it on the desk.




DR. FEALGUHD: No harm done.

<picks up the trophy and gazes at it fondly>

It's the 'Shrink Of The Year' award.

NAMBLA gave it to me last year.


XENA: Congratulations.


DR. FEALGUHD: Thank you.


Xena and Gabrielle leave the doctor's office and start walking

home, Xena leading Argo. Gabrielle pulls out her pan flute

and starts to play a tune.


XENA: <sings> "Sisters, sisters, there were never

such devoted sisters..."


Xena and Gabrielle do the Wizard-Of-Oz step down the yellow

dirt road...