(December 18, 1997)

by Bongo Bear
(bongobear@hotmail.com)

He grinned back, his false beard slipping a little. He quickly adjusted it as he looked the woman over. She was the most gorgeous brunette he had ever seen. She was about to take a step toward him when a one of the elves stepped in front of her.

"Sorry ma'am, but Santa's done for the day. He has to get back to the North Pole and get started on those toys, you know." Not realizing he had just shortened his life span considerably, the spunky elf gave the woman a wink and a smile. Scowling, she focused her crystal blue eyes on him like a laser. When he gently tried to steer her back into the line, the woman grabbed him by the Peter Pan collar of his elf suit. His upturned pointed shoes dangled above the ground as she brought him close to her face.

She hissed under her breath, "I've been riding hard to see Santa all furking day. No one, certainly not you, little man, is going to keep Xena: Warrior Princess, Destroyer of Nations, the Scourge of Amphipolis, the Bitch of Athens --"

Santa interrupted Xena, "Martin, let the, er, lady through. And put a rope across that line. She's my last visitor today."

She dropped the stunned elf on his butt and strode purposefully toward Santa. Santa swallowed hard and tried to settle himself in his chair. Martin picked himself up, smoothed down the velvet, now crushed, of his green suit, and shooed the remaining children away. Then he discreetly left Santa to Xena's tender mercies.

Xena slid onto his lap, her face level with his and very, very close. He could feel her warm breath flutter the ends of his whiskers. "Santa," she crooned softly, "I've been very, very good this year."

"Oh, I'm sure you have. Umm, it's little Xena, right?"

"Yes, the name's Xena and there's nothing little about me." She patted his pillow-stuffed belly.

Swallowing hard, Santa loosened his fur-trimmed collar and said, "What would you like for Christmas, ummm, big girl? Oh, let me guess. You want a bag of my special toys? Martin, where is that elf? Anyway, we have some candy-striped stocking stuffers I'm sure you would enjoy --" He stopped talking when he saw her expression slowly change from cheerful to melancholy.

Xena shook her head and grew uncharacteristically silent. Normally at this point, the kids pull out their wish list of everything under the sun and moon, but not this Warrior Princess. A single tear welled up at the corner of her eye and began the long descent down her cheek. He raised a gloved finger to capture the shining droplet. "Please, don't cry. Tell Santa what you want."

"I have more toys than I can use. What good are they, unless..." her voice drifted off. "I want my Gabby back," she said, breaking through more tears. "She's been so distant lately. She's lied to me and even betrayed me. Ever since she gave birth that demon-child, I don't know her any more. Now there are rumors that she has romantic interests in a woman." Santa's bushy white eyebrow went up at that. "It's not me," Xena sobbed into his red coat. "I want the sweet, innocent young thing she used to be. I know what I'm asking for you can't deliver." Xena sniffed back her runny nose and accepted a proffered hanky from Santa.

He stroked his beard, pondering the poor woman's request for happiness. After all, isn't that what everybody really wants? "Ah, I think I have what you need. But you will have to wait until Christmas morning." Xena's face immediately brightened. "As long as you behave yourself, you will get what you desire most." Santa smiled gently. Xena thanked him with a wet kiss on his cheek. He patted her bottom as she hopped off his lap. She grinned at him over her shoulder before somersaulting onto Argo's back and riding off into the sunset.

*****

At the crack of dawn Christmas morning, Xena and Gabby stoked the campfire for their morning breakfast. After a quick repast, they shyly exchanged their simple gifts. Then, they sat back and stared into the fire, feeling too awkward to say anything but a cursory "thank you" to each other.

Suddenly, a jingle of bells announced the arrival of a sleigh led by eight tiny reindeer. The women watched the rig come in for a quick landing. "Sorry for being late, ladies. But you weren't easy to track down, not having a permanent address, ya' know." Santa climbed out of the sleigh and laid a small package at the startled women's feet. He leapt back into the driver's seat and whipped the reindeer back into the sky. As they climbed up and away, he called down to the dumbfounded pair, "Merry Christmas!"

Xena and Gabrielle looked anxiously at the brightly wrapped package, waiting for the other to make the first move. Deciding to break the impasse, Xena grabbed the package and tore the wrapping away. Under the colored paper was a plain brown box. She opened the box and pulled out a large spray bottle of Rift-Away. "What the hell?" she exclaimed.

"Read the label, you dolt," Gabrielle suggested caustically.

Barely suppressing the irritation in her own voice, she said, "Right." Xena examined the instructions on the label carefully and mumbled the words aloud. "Rift-Away is made from all natural ingredients. No artificial colors or additives. No preservatives. Store in a cool, dry place after breaking open the seal. Well, there won't be any left-overs to store." She quickly sprayed down Gabrielle until the solution dripped from the cantankerous bard's every pore. Ignoring pleas to recycle, Xena tossed aside the empty bottle and watched her bard carefully. She held her breath waiting for a transformation, a miracle, anything.

Gabrielle shivered from the cold wetness and her eyes glazed over. Soon she found herself falling to ground only to be cushioned in Xena's arms. The warrior gently lowered her bard to the ground and knelt by her side. "Gabrielle? Are you okay? How do you feel?"

Gabrielle's eyes fluttered briefly, then opened wide. Her face lost the tense pensive look she had been wearing for weeks. A relaxed, carefree expression fairly radiated from her face. Her eyes took on the wide-eyed innocence from two years ago. She smiled up at Xena. Her manner was so relaxed and open. But something was wrong. Gabrielle took on the innocence of a village idiot. She lost all the hard earned maturity she gained as an absent Amazon Queen, a sometimes faithless sidekick, the wife of a farmer-turned-soldier-turned-pacifist, and the reluctant mother of a psychopathic child. All those experiences, the beautiful and the ugly, the pedestrian and the profound, were all washed away by the magical solution of Rift-Away.

"This isn't what I wanted at all! Gabby may have been a pain in the ass, but at least she was interesting. Damn!" Xena exhaled in exasperation.

The warrior quickly twisted about, looking for the discarded packaging. She retrieved it and read the label more carefully this time. "The effects of Rift-Away are only temporary. Repeated applications are required to maintain True Innocence. After the initial application, the results are immediate, but will fade within twelve hours or less. Warning: Do not take this product if the symptoms of testiness, irritability, and general bitchiness are in response to the rigors of Reality. May cause drowsiness, lethargy, and a drooling stupor. As with any psychoactive drug, seek the advice of a mental health care professional before using."

Xena carefully wiped the spittle from the corner of Gabby's mouth before leading her back to the campfire. She cautioned the now innocent young woman not to wander too far from the campsite and to remain within line of sight. All Xena could do now is wait for the effects to wear off.

Gabby happily complied. She whiled away the time composing naive love poetry. She blushed hotly as she read the scrolls chronicling their more intimate adventures. Xena was about to go out of her mind listening to the bard chatter about the purity of innocence in the absence of temptation when she came to a sudden realization.

At dusk, the effects of Rift-Away finally faded away and Gabby was her mature self again. She and Xena looked at each other knowingly and nodded. Each woman eventually came to the same conclusion independently. The chasm between them could not be bridged overnight nor should it be. Sealing the rift did not demand trading in the lessons of life for the idealistic naiveté of youth. The answer was not obvious and it was going to take much of their energy and creativity to uncover. But one thing they knew for sure: the solution was not in that bottle of magic elixir.

FINIS