Warnings: Two women in love with each other; and I’m writing more comedy. Take your pick which is more deadly to your sense of morals. Sex and violence kept to minimum under those constraints. I promise to kill a few people in the next one to make up.

Disclaimers: Any resemblance between the characters described in this story, and those in a certain show produced by Renaissance Pictures, is only coincidental. But I tried. After some of the ‘comedy’ episodes of the fourth season, I figured I couldn’t do any worse. But then again...

The Gabrielle Effect

A Farce in Three Acts

by Kamouraskan

Act 1. The Set Up

Scene: Cyrene’s Tavern.

Our story begins quietly in a small but seemingly prosperous inn near the centre of the town of Amphipolis. It is daytime and our imaginary camera slowly pans through the temporarily empty tavern portion of the inn, until it falls upon a tall figure in armor slumped alone in the corner. Going closer we see that it is a ravishingly attractive, dark woman, somewhat the worse for drink. On the table in front of her there are several empty flagons and a scroll which has been read several times by disconcerted blue eyes. She sips at her drink, her mind focused on some object only she can see. Two fingers tap at the side of her mug pensively. Her attention suddenly shifts, and she turns her gaze to the opposite wall, where the God of War appears in a shimmer of God dust.

Ares leans casually against the wall.

"Xena. Xena. Xena. Drinking alone. And quite a bit, it seems. You can’t say I didn’t warn you. That’s what always comes of opening your heart to love."

There is no response from the warrior except a look of disgust. Ares strolls over and places his hand on her shoulder. Cocking his head, he says, "Come here often, Princess?"

The bleary blue eyes glance to the offended shoulder and she growls, "Move it or lose it, Ares. And I am not talking about your hand."

Ares smiles, but removes his hand quickly, then coolly leans against the wall again. "Where’s your little pal, What’s Her Name?"

There’s a small slur in her voice as she turns to stare at the God of War. "You know, I’d like to think that you had something better to do, but..."

"I always have time for my favorite. Especially when she seems so down." Ares smiles and waves his extended hands . "Hey! I’ve got an idea..."

Xena snorts. "Yeah, I’m sure you do. But I’d have to be a lot drunker and angrier than this, to break my promise...."

"To the blonde? That would be the same blonde who promised never to leave you?" Ares makes a show of searching about the tavern "Funny, I don’t see her around. Again."

"She needed a break. Just a vacation."

"Of course. I know a woman whose husband just left to go to the apothecary for some herbs."


"He took three suitcases. To this day she’s still telling her friends that he must have stopped off to get some milk. "

Xena closes her eyes in frustration, when an idea occurs to her. There is a glint in those cerulean orbs, and a smirk briefly flashes. None of this is seen by Ares.. She turns and stands suddenly, grabbing hold of his armor, clutching him and with great exaggeration begins sobbing. "Oh Ares, I don’t know what to do."

Ares backs up in complete shock, carrying Xena with him, who is still gripping him. Xena continues to babble. "She was supposed to be here today," and her voice rises, "and instead I got a NOTE... What am I going to do without her?"

Unable to deal at all with this unwarriorlike emotion and trying to regain control, Ares begins to try to pry off the leach-like grip.

"Xena. Xena?" Ares gives a nervous laugh while still working on the grasping fingers. "Listen to me. I have a this really nice army just a few miles from here. You’ll love them. Just waiting for the right commander. They’re rough, but young. With proper training, some weeding out..."

"I can’t. I can’t do anything without her. You don’t know what I might do..." the Warrior is laying it on thick now.

"Sure I do! You could be having fun!. Like the old days. Remember the old days? A thousand men waiting for a single word from you? Ready to throw their lives into battle, willing to die for the Destroyer?"

The Warrior shakes her head emphatically. "Nothing’s fun anymore without...without Gabrielle!!!"

Ares is near panic, unable to think, now. "Xena, uh, the leathers, Xena, you’re getting tears all over them. Damn it, snap out of it!"

The warrior quietens slightly. "If she doesn’t come back, I might as well just stay here," there is a pause as if she has just had a revelation. "Maybe I could try farming...?"

"No. NO!" The God of War has now moved from being shocked to horrified.

"But what am I, without my sweet Gabrielle?"

"How would I know? Look , you could wait here, look, stop it! I’ll , just stop crying! How about if I go get her!"

Hidden from him, the blue eyes gleam as she thinks ‘Gotcha!’. The sobbing diminishing slightly, and the tear stained face emerges and stared beseechingly into Ares’.

"But, I couldn’t have you hurt her, or force her to come in any way; she has to want to come back to me of own her own accord," Xena snuffles, wiping her nose on Ares chest. "and I can’t owe you a favour , Gabri...elle... wouldn’t like that either..."

"Fine. It’s a freebee. I’ll just go talk with her. I promise. But, please? Stop crying!" The God of War adds forcefully. "And No Farming!"

"I think there’s this old man, he said he needed a shepherd." Xena looks innocently into Ares’ face. "I could get to like sheep, couldn’t I?"

Ares pushes her away. Pointing both of his index fingers at her. he says "Stay ...Here. I’ll be back. And keep away from the sheep." He disappears in his customary shimmer.

Immediately, Xena stands up straight, pulling at her nose while her mouth forms an evil smile. She looks about the empty tavern and chortles, "That was different." Then finishing off her mug, and pleased with herself, she salutes a certain parchment. "Paybacks are a bitch, love. Stand ME up, would you. Ha!"

Xena’s mother, Cyrene enters, looking from side to side. "Xena? Did I hear you talking to someone?"

She turns a satisfied grin to her Mom. "Just Ares, with nothing to do."

"The God of War? Here?" Cyrene’s face is concerned.

"It’s all right Mom, Not to worry. He’d never do any..."

She looks about the tavern in horror. "But it’s so messy!"

Xena gives her Mom a strange look. "Ares spends a lot of time on battlefields, Mother? They get pretty messy occasionally."

"Yes, but...What did he want?"

"Just the usual. He’s got an army nearby. Thought because I was without Gabrielle I might listen to him." She hold up her index finger. "But get this, I siced him on the Bard." She smiles proudly.

Cyrene is shocked. "Because she was late?" Xena nods happily.

"You sent the God of War after your soul mate because she was late?"

Xena almost begins to back away from the advancing woman. "Mom, it was just a joke. It’s okay. I made him promise not to hurt her, and he’s bound to a promise to his Chosen."

"And you thought that this would be funny?" Xena nods, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Well, you can just call him back," but she sees Xena’s expression and loses her steam for a moment. "well no, maybe not. But you will get on your horse right this minute, and do whatever you have to do to straighten this out. NOW, young lady."

"Mom...." Xena says firmly, unmoving.

"Don’t you ‘Mom’ me! Just go!"

Moments later, a grim and grumbling Xena strides to the stables, where she collides with her brother Toris.

"Where you off to?" her brother asks, as she helps him up off the ground..

"Gotta go get Gabrielle." Xena resentfully grouses.

"She’s in trouble? Same old, Same old, huh? How d’you know?"

Xena’s eyes dart for a moment before she answers. "Uh... it’s that connection thing, we just know..."

Toris nods understandingly. "Ahhh..."

Scene: Mount Olympus

Camera pans throughout white marble expanse, freezing as Ares strides in, finding Artemis lying on some pillows watching the mortal realm in a mystic pond. Various snacks are scattered about.

"I knew it." He exclaims with bitterness. "The great huntress is vegging out, watching mortals and eating junk food."

The Patron of the Amazons leaps to her feet and returns his glare. "Don’t mess with me, now, I’ve had a bad day."

"Fine. Just tell me where your (makes hooking motions with two fingers of both hands) Chosen is, and I’ll go".

Artemis just laughs. "Oh, no. I don’t think so. And you know very well I haven’t made Gabrielle my Chosen officially. As long as she keeps turning down the mask like it was a plate of Hor d’eurves...."

"Gabrielle? Turn down food? Have you ever spent ANY time with this girl?" Ares mocks her quietly.

"Girl? Listen, if she was my Chosen you never would have dared try to hustle her the other day. So, let us understand something, that WOMAN is under my protection. Got it? Stay away from her."

Ares bites back a retort and replies piously, "But I’m on a mission of love, to reunite the soulmates, and if you’re so worried, you can come along."

"Xena asked a favour of you?" Artemis looks at him skeptically. "Hmmm, I’d come just to make sure you keep on track, but....since it’s a mission of Love...." The Goddess calls out, " ‘DITE??"

"Oh, crap." Says the God of War.

Scene: The Queens Hut, Amazonia

The Queen of the Amazons sits at a desk, head slumped on the top, clearly depressed. An Amazon warrior, Eponin enters.

She addresses the Queen sarcastically. "Well, congratulations. They’ve left."

Without moving her head, Chilapa mumbles "I’m a warrior, not a diplomat."

Eponin glares at her. "Well, if the treaties with the Centaurs fall apart, and we go from having valued allies along our own borders, to having them attacking us as well, you’re going to have to be one Tartarus of a warrior."

Chilapa stares upwards. "Dear Artemis, what did I do?"

Eponin begins to itemize a list on her fingers. "Well, lets see. You sent their delegation to stay in the stables..."

"But that’s where they always stayed!"

"I think Ephiny would have usually removed our horses! Cleaned it out first? And then there’s the banquet. You put bales of hay on the main table!"

"But that’s what they eat!"

"Gabrielle always made sure there were snacks, carrots, and she would have the grains specially picked and served on platters..."

Chilapa stands. "All right! I’m not Ephiny, I’m not Gabrielle. I don’t do this stuff well. What do we do now?"

"I suggest that you swallow any pride you have, and get our errant Queen to come back and negotiate a new treaty."

Chilapa mulls it over, staring at the Queen’s mask hung in the corner. She glares at it and turns back to Eponin. "We know where she is right now, we always have someone on her, right?"

"She’s the holder of the Rite of Caste. We always track her. What I don’t understand, is, that she turned down the mask to be with Xena, and apparently at the moment she’s not with Xena..."

Chilapa stands, begins to pace. "You know I’d hand the mask over to her in a second if I thought she’d take it. Maybe if we approached her properly...showed some respect, we could get her to return."

Eponin is doubtful "Gabrielle’s never been one for that sort of thing..."

"Well, she’s older, maybe it wasn’t done right before. You say we have no immediate problems, and word about the break with the Centaurs can be kept quiet for a while, right? So, what if we took a full complement of the honour guard, fifty would be enough to impress and still leave the village safe, and we’d never be more than two days ride away..."

Eponin mulls this over. "But in case it doesn’t work, we better have a cover story..."

Scene: Meg’s Tavern.

Long shot of sleazy whorehouse cum tavern. Camera eases through crowds of tables, finally picking out an older couple seated ,arguing, oblivious to the trade going on about them. The older man says "I don’t see why you have a problem with this. She’s our daughter, and she has a responsibility to the farm."

His wife looks upset. "But dear, she works so hard for her money..."

Her husband interrupts. "Now that she’s finally dumped that warrior, she’s sure to have saved enough to help us...."

They are interrupted by an eccentric looking goofus. His eyes light up to see them..

"Hey, you’re Gabby’s parents aren’t you?" They look up guardedly and watch in amazement as the interloper slips trying to move around their table and falls face forward to the floor. The couple glance at each other and sigh.

"You’d be Joxer, right? I think we met before, but since then..."

Turning but still lying on the floor Joxer delightedly smiles. "Gabby told you about me?"

"Warned is a better word." Herodotus puts out a hand and helps Joxer up. Once up, the warrior without a clue calls over to a table. "Meg! Autolycus! It’s Gabrielle’s parents!"

Turning back, he asks the annoyed couple. "You’re a ways from Potadeia. Where you headed?"

There is another exchange of glances. Hecuba speaks out." Well, we heard that Gabrielle was no longer with Xena, and we thought..."

Herodotus interrupts. "We thought we should see if she’s all right."

Joxer is shocked. "Not with Xena? I’m their best friend. She may need me! Where is she?"

Gabrielle’s parents don’t answer as they stare at the couple approaching them. The woman is a dead ringer for Xena. She smirks and says " Hi yah."

Joxer intercedes and explains, "this is Meg, she’s a friend of Xena and Gabby’s. She’s a... the owner of this...fine establishment. And this is..."

Meg interrupts, "we just call him Mr. Stinky."

Autolycus pauses, closes his eyes, and then extends his hand, "Autolycus, The KING...of Thieves."

Speaking out of the side of his mouth, Herodotus says, "These are our daughter’s friends, dear..."

Scene: The Holy City of Hestia, Goddess of the Hearth and Family

Our camera moves past various hawkers and customers meandering about a busy marketplace. Gabrielle, dressed in a simple peasant costume is being escorted past a series of vendors and indoor stalls, by a tall, dark and chaste priestess. Leah points proudly to an object displayed with much embellishment, surrounded by guards, hanging on one wall.

"Made of the puwest of gold, encwusted with jewels, The Platter of Zeuth!"

Gabrielle examines the item. "Is that why you brought me? Why is it so important that you had to dwag, drag me here?"

"Gabwielle. I know you to be an honouwable pethon. And I must be assuwed that you will not weveal what I am about to tell you."

"Leah. You know I will help you if I can, but I was supposed to be meeting Xena today..."

"Gabwielle, this concehns the Godhood of the most thacwed Hethtia!" Leah lowers her voice to a whisper, " It has been twapped in that very platteh!"

Gabrielle stops to stare at the plate again. "Then Hestia is a mortal?"

"No, thank all that ith holy. She ith thtill an immohtal. But unless a pehthon who is pew of heart can be found..."

"What of heart?"

"Pew, she hath to have pewity, pewneth..."

"Ah." Gabrielle nods. "Then why do you need me?"

"Gabwielle, I know I once said many hawsh things to you. But I twuly believe you have a special..."


The priestess smiles. "Yeth. And only a pehthon who can apwoach being one with the great Hethtia, can help uth in thith time of cwithith."

Gabrielle spots a puzzle on one of the vendors tables and absently begins to work the pieces into position. She glances up at Leah. "So how did Hestia lose it?"

Leah stops dead. "What Awe you thaying?"

Gabrielle rolls her eyes. "I was referring to her Godhood..."

"Oh." Mollified, the priestess continues "Well the plate wath cweated and enchanted by Zeuth ath a twick to twap the powers of hith wife. But when it wath prethented to Hewa, she neveh touched the platteh, only the fwuit it contained."

"So...how did Hestia get caught by it?"

Leah blushes. "I’m afwaid our beloved patwon felt the need to do the disheth afteh the meal."

Gabrielle is only partly listening, as she finds the last pieces of the puzzle board. "So you have it, why can’t you just give it back now?"

"The platteh mutht be pwethented to the mohtal who motht cleahly embodieth the vihtues of Hethtia, who will then fweely return the Godhood. Theh ith a giwl, Mahta, who theems to have thweatened motht of the challengehth in ordeh to thecuwe her victowy."

Patting the last piece in with satisfaction, Gabrielle looks up at the clear dismay in Leah’s voice. "Why would it be a problem if Marta wins?"

"We thuthpect that, inthtead of offewing the Godhead to Hethtia, we bewieve she intends to make demandth, pothibly even take the holy powehth unto hehthelf!"

Gabrielle is perplexed. "Leah, I guess I’m flattered, but why do you think I might be able to challenge her? You know I’m not... I was married."

"But he died wight afteh the cewemony. Wight? "

"Well, a little later...."

Leah glows at this confirmation. "That’th wondehful!"

Gabrielle frowns. "I think it sounds better than it lives."

Leah is instantly apologetic "No, I’m tewibly thowwy for your gweat loth, but that ith jutht the thoht of thing that will give you thympathy in the eyeth of the judgeth."

Gabrielle sighs and shakes her head. "Well, what are the requirements?"

Leah begins to enumerate. "Contethtantth can not be a Hethtian Priethteth, or have a membeh of their immediate family who ith a Hethtian Priethteth..."

"Fine so far..."

"The contethtantth must be couwageouth, stwong, demure..."

Gabrielle becomes more hesitant. "Well, two out of three..."

"...modetht, coy, humble, retiwing, quiet...

The Bard stares at the Hestian Priestess. "Right. I think you should be talking to Autolycus if you want to get at that thing, not me. Who would ever think that I was any of those things?"

Leah smiles and looks slyly at the table they just left. "The town counthil."

"They’re the judges? Those guys?" Gabrielle stares appraisingly at a group of bozos struggling over the puzzle that Gabrielle had just solved. She smiles to herself.

"This is really important to you?"

Leah nods beseechingly.

"All I have to do is be disgustingly quiet, shy and demure for two days?"

Leah nods again.

Gabrielle says a quiet apology to a certain warrior princess. "All right, I’ll give it a shot."

"Pwaise Hethtia! I’ll thign you up wight away!"

But as they walk away, the camera remains on the town councilors as they finally work together. Ramming the wrong piece of the puzzle in with a rock...

Gabrielle’s Journal

Voice over shot of Gabrielle writing:

"So, I am once again delaying my return to Themascara. This time apart has been so hard, and I’m going to owe Xena big time.. but I know her, she’ll come up with some sort of payback, and then we’ll be okay. And as worried as I am for her, I think this separation will be good for both of us. I know our relationship will be stronger, more equal..."

Quick cut to Scene: Outside Amphipolis

Xena, riding furiously, talking to herself "I’m going to find her, throw her over my shoulder, and if I have to tie her to Argo, I am going to bring her home..."

Scene: Halls of War

Ares: "Look. Are you ready yet?"

Aphrodite: Look, Bro. You’re not really going to just chat with Sweet Cheeks are you?"

Ares: "I’m just going to have a nice little chat."

Aphrodite: "Maybe I’ll have a chance at seeing some flying pigs while I’m there, too.."

Scene : Amazon Border

Chilapa, to fifty mounted Amazon warriors: "As you know, our beloved Gabrielle, Queen by rite of Caste, is alone and without a protector. We cannot allow this to continue. We march to show her our devotion, and our love for her..."

Scene: Meg’s Tavern

Joxer: Are you SURE they want us to come along? I think..."

Autolycus: Well, you’re at least half wrong right there. No, I know all about that Festival, and Gabrielle needs me. And so does a certain piece of dinner ware. I think we’ll just go in, get out, and then everybody will be happy. Certainly I intend to be."

Scene: Gabrielle’s Quarters

Gabrielle: ( still writing) As much as I miss you, Xena, I have decided to stay for another few days. To accomplish just this one little thing on my own, to help our friend, and to prove to myself that I can work for the greater good, without any disasters. Even if it is only a bit of acting, it really is important to me. Then I promise to come home and burn off this chaste and quiet stuff with my favorite Warrior.

It’s been very hard being away from you, but at least it’s been quiet. And I think I can finally lay to rest that Trouble Magnet reputation..."

Next week : Convergence


Aphrodite: "You’re telling me that everytime anyone comes by, Ares hides to save your reputation?"

Gabrielle: "He’s in the closet right now."

Aphrodite: "That could explain a lot about the tension he has around Hercules..."


Horace: "Gabrielle, who is this person hiding in your room?"

Ares, stepped forward. "You must be the young man, Gabrielle has been so enthusiastic about. I’m Herodotus, her father...I understand you’d like to petition me for my daughter’s hand in marriage..."


Horace: "Gabrielle! My sweet, dear Gabrielle. Something else absolutely horrendous has happened! The city is surrounded by those horrible Amazons! They are demanding we release their Queen or they will attack! And no one knows anything about her!"

Gabrielle squeals "Amazons!" Clasping her hands together, looking properly terrified, she slams the door shut on her fiancee. Then turning to face the former God of War. "Ares?"

He frowns. "I sort of stopped off on the way to get the plate. I appeared to them as Artemis."

Aphrodite laughs. "You really are out of the closet."

Gabrielle eyes begin to glow with fury. Ares shrugs. "They were an army. They were peaceful. I couldn’t leave them like that. It‘s what I do!"

Gabrielle raises a fist. "You’re doo doo, DAD!"

Continued - Part 2

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