Disclaimer: The characters of Xena, Gabrielle and Argo, belong exclusively to MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended through the writing of this piece.
Subtext Warning: Not really.
Authors Notes: Lets say somewhere in the Third Season shall we?
Acknowledgments: Thanks must certainly go to Kamouraskan for mentioning her mole to me. Got me thinking immediately and produced this. All hail the mole, of whatever variety! This story also springs partly from a conversation with Willowluvyr about warts. You two have provided me with more inspiration desperation in the last ten days than I care to recount. Thanks. Oh yeah, and cheers willow for fixing up some things in this for me <g>.
Feedback: I am eternally email@example.com
Xena shifted again in her saddle atop Argo. She grimaced slightly and straightened her position. The young bard, walking along side, squinted up at the warrior and shielded her eyes against the glaring sun.
"Are you alright?" she asked, concern evident in her voice.
"Fine." was all the warrior grunted.
Gabrielle shrugged and twirled her staff in her hands as she walked. They continued this way for about a candle mark, with Xena shifting periodically and Gabrielle glancing covertly at the warrior.
Finally, the bard could take it no more, and reached up a hand to grab Argos reins, stopping the horse dead in her tracks. Argo whickered slightly and tried to throw her head at the annoying gesture.
Xena glared daggers down at the smaller woman.
"Youd better have a very good explanation for why you just did that Gabrielle." The voice was hollow.
"Uh-huh, I do, its called worry. What is wrong with you? Youve been shifting about up there like youve got a hydras head stuck somewhere it shouldnt be." the bard burbled out.
Xena sniffed and looked away from the bard.
"I have a mole." she said coldly.
"So? So do I, whats the big deal about that?" the bard asked.
"Its its on my butt." came the stuttering comment.
Gabrielles face lost all expression and she fought valiantly to stop the laughter that threatened to overcome her.
"You have a mole on your butt?" she asked blankly, he gaze shifting to the warriors posterior as if she could spy the growth.
"Yes I do." Xena said a little defensively, "Blacker than Ares leathers and hairier than a centaur in winter." Xena glanced down.
The bard paled slightly at the description. "More info than needed Xena." she blanched.
"Well, thats what its like."
"Why havent I seen it?" the bard could not help but ask.
The warrior rolled her eyes, "Gabrielle, its not exactly something I choose to advertise."
"But bathing and swimming and well " she trailed off.
Xena cleared her throat, "I keep it covered with my hand."
"Oh." The bard said, her brow wrinkling in thought as she tried to remember, "I just thought you liked to feel your ass."
The bard smirked, "So you have a mole on your backside, I wouldnt worry too much about it." she tried to sound soothing.
Xena let out a breath, "Its not the fact that I have a mole Gabrielle "
"What is it then?" the bard cut in.
"Its these Tartarus be damned new breeches I bought in Sparta, theyre cutting right into it." she said with a frown.
A small giggle escaped from Gabrielles lips, but was quickly silenced by a look from the warrior. "Sorry." she muttered.
"Im sure it must be bleeding." The warriors tone changed slightly.
"Well, you know what they say about the Spartans " the bard left it hanging.
"Never mind." Gabrielle dismissed the comment. She took a deep breath and steeled her voice, "You want me to take a look?"
The stare from the warrior almost floored her.
"To see that its not bleeding," she added quickly, "I mean, you wouldnt want it to fester or anything." The threatening smirk would not be stilled.
"Itll be fine."
"Oh no. No, no, no, no, you get off that horse right now." The bard ordered, stabbing her staff into the ground with authority.
Xena rolled her eyes but complied after a moment.
"Satisfied?" she asked, crossing her arms.
"Not yet." The bard got a wicked glint in her eye, "Drop em and bend over Warrior Princess!" she said with a grin.
"I will most certainly not!" the warrior roared, clenching her jaw.
"Oh really?" the bard asked, sidling up to the taller woman and poking her in the chest.
"I am not going to drop my breeches in the middle of the road to Athens." The warrior did not move a muscle.
"Xena, its not like there is anyone here but me," she raised an eyebrow, "and its not like I havent seen it all before, except the mole that is."
"Gabrielle." The voice was low and menacing, the dont-you-even-think-about-saying-one-more-word voice.
"I never took you to be overly modest, Xena."
The warrior said nothing.
"Cmon Xena," Gabrielle pleaded, "you can hide behind Argo." the bard tried, resulting in a snort from the horse. "No offense girl." Gabrielle added, patting the horse on the rump and staring at the warrior.
"Im not going to get out of this, am I?" the warrior asked after a moment.
Sighing mightily, Xena walked to the other side of Argo, apologising with a "Sorry girl" as she glared over the saddle at the bard.
"Do it!" Gabrielle mouthed as she walked around the horse.
Easing her hands up under her leathers, the warrior hooked her thumbs over the top of her breeches and inched them downwards, wincing slightly as a tight seam peeled away from her mole. She managed to drop them to her knees before she felt a firm hand between her shoulder blades pushing her forward.
"If anyone sees this, theyre dead." The warrior grumbled.
"Relax would you?" Gabrielle said as Xena bent over. The bard pushed aside the warriors leathers and gasped, a hand moving involuntarily to her mouth.
"What?" Xena roared, trying to straighten up, but the bard pushed her back down and leaned closer for a better look.
"Zeus, Athena and Ares." The bard mumbled, eyeing the extraordinary growth protruding from Xenas right butt cheek.
"What?!" The warrior almost screamed this time, twisting her head around, trying to see the bard.
"Oh Xena you werent understating anything were you?" she asked. If the warrior could have seen the look of horror on the bards face, the smaller woman would not have been able to sit for a week.
"Told you it wasnt pretty."
"Thats not exactly the word I would have used. Couldnt you pluck or something?" she tried.
"Have you ever tried to rip hairs out of a mole on your ass?" the warrior fumed.
"Well no, but Xena its foul." The bard couldnt hide the disgust in her voice.
"Thank you Gabrielle, that makes me feel a Hades of a lot better about myself."
The bard grinned, "Its not exactly your best feature." She paused a moment, "Does Hercules know?"
"No he does not know, and if you tell him, you are a dead bard."
Gabrielle held her hands up defensively, "He wont hear it from me."
"So," the warrior said, a little calmer now that her secret was vaguely safe, "is it bleeding?"
"Since when have you been bothered about a little blood?"
"Since now! Tell me Gabrielle please?"
The bard gaped at the warriors tone and cleared her throat, "Not much." She said finally.
"So it is?"
"Well yeah, just a little, not like buckets or anything."
"Hades balls Gabrielle, my ass is bleeding?" the warrior shrieked.
"Like I said, just a little, but I think the ah hairs are stopping it."
"Thats comforting." The warrior sighed before continuing, "Can you clean it up?"
"Now you want me to wipe your backside for you?" the bard asked.
"Okay," the bard looked about and wiped a hand over her mouth, "I can do that, sure."
"I think theres a cloth in my saddle bag." The warrior said.
"Uh-huh," the bard muttered, moving over to the warriors saddle bag and rummaging around, "Found it!" she said triumphantly.
"Well wet it Gabrielle." The warrior ordered.
"Stop yelling at me, Im trying to help here."
"Sorry." The warrior said, actually meaning it, "Im just not used to this." She could think of no better explanation for the outburst.
"Theres only port." Gabrielle said after a moment of checking their skins.
Xena drew in a breath, "Well, thats probably a good thing."
"You think? Itll sting." Gabrielle warned.
"I know that Gabrielle, just get rid of the blood."
"Sure." The bard said, up ending the skin on the cloth and soaking a corner. "Here we go." She muttered, reaching towards the warriors mole.
"Argh! Gaia! Tartarus that hurts." The warrior blurted, not at all her stony self.
"Well you wanted me to do it."
Xena sucked in a hiss of a breath through her teeth.
"Is it done?" she asked meekly.
"Can I pull up my breeches now?" she asked.
"It might be best if you go breecherless." The bard said.
At that, the warrior straightened and turned on the bard, who was grinning idiotically, port and blood stained cloth hanging from her fingers.
"You have got to be kidding." Xena sneered.
"Nuh-uh, Im not."
"What if there are bandits?"
"What if Ares decides to pay us a visit?"
"Im sure hell get an eyeful, but when he gets a load of that mole, I wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt want you for his chosen any more." The bard broadened her grin.
"Just stating facts Xena."
"I am going to pull my breeches back up!" the warrior stated derisively.
"No you are not. Your mole needs to heal, and thats not going to happen with your breeches chafing at it." The bard was now possessed by Asclepius, obviously.
"Cmon Gabrielle, I just want a bit of privacy. I dont want my ass blowing in the breeze." She paused a moment, "Look at these leathers, what are they going to cover?"
"Im only thinking of your butt Xena."
"Im sure you are but Gabrielle " the warrior pleaded.
The warrior gritted her teeth and gave her best glare, but the bard did not even flinch an eye muscle.
"Why do I do these things?" she asked, pulling her breeches off the rest of the way and holding them out on a finger to the bard.
P.S. If any offense has occurred to people suffering from large, hairy moles on their butts, I apologise sincerely, but I believe laser treatment and removal is very good and not too expensive these days. An option Xena did not have.
Until next time,
Return to The Bard's Corner