Warning: Bizarre humour

Disclaimer: RenPic doesn’t know or want to know that I wrote this, but they do own the characters. It takes place after Altared States and contains spoilers for that episode. More Apologies to Eve Ng. The God’s know I have abused her gift again. I think I may have written this so that Xena can have some sort of revenge for ‘Spider’. For those skeptical (TMY, Lawls) about the wolf ‘potion’ I refer to Farley Mowat’s Never Cry Wolf.

Of Two Minds

by Kamouraskan

She has to go.

I’d be dead without her.

She’ll die WITH us! Why is she here? We’re Ares’ Chosen! And we’re letting this little girl lead us around! And look at the goofball way she’s stomping around the fire, waving her arms...

She’s working out a story. Don’t you think it’s sorta...

What? Cute? NO! And she NEVER shuts up.

She is so....

I know. Cute. Another reason to get rid of her.

It isn’t like I haven’t tried...

You call that trying? You want ME to try? Let her finally meet the warlord she writes about?

YOU, stay away from her.

You are soooo whipped.

I like her. Don’t you think she’s easy to like?.

What! She is the most irritating combination of innocence and... I don’t know! And pushy! And.... She’s driving me crazy!!!

"Xena? You don’t think those wolves are still out there, do you?"

Say no! Say no!

"Yes, Gabrielle, I’m pretty sure they are."

"That was amazing what you did to stop them from coming in here. What’s in that jar?"

"Um, family secret."

"The way the wolves just stopped at the cave entrance right where you put it? They just sniffed it and backed off! Is it a potion? A magic potion stolen from a sorceress? From Apollo or Artemis? I can see it! The noble warrior tricks the Goddess...

"Gabrielle? Could we just rest? When morning comes, the wolves will have left, and we can leave the cave."

"But there’s that stream just down the hill, and I was feeling a little grungy..."

"You smell fine."

You sniffed her!

So what?

You got off on it!

"‘Cause... ah, Xena? I was hoping to clean up, maybe take a swim..."

Oh yeah...


You were thinking about her naked.

What of it?

We have GOT to get rid of her.


"Yes, Xena?"

"Bed. Now."


"Bed. Sleep. "

"Yes Xena. Goodnight Xena."

"Goodnight Gabrielle."

You’re doing it again.


You’re thinking about when she climbed you in the well.


Maybe. Right. You were wishing she had crawled up your chest, and then when we got to the top, she would have had to clamber over...

I was not.

Uh huh. And you didn’t get all warm and fuzzy when she said you were beautiful.

I’m going to sleep.

We’re gonna have dreams.

Leave me alone.

Now you’re thinking about when she ducked underwater when you were teaching her to fish.


In your version her hands don’t grab the fish...

Shut up. Oh oh.


She’s trying to fake being asleep and she’s checking to see if we’re out...

What’s she up to NOW?

She’s going to try to sneak out and go for a swim....

Past ME? And what about the wolves? Ohhhh! Not if she has some of our ‘magic’ potion....

Oh Gods. She wouldn’t.

Oh yeah...<chortle>

We really should stop her...

Nope, too late. There she goes. She’s got the vial.

You’d think she’d have smelt it first.

Oh, this is good. Think she’s using enough?

Guess we should be glad she’s going for a bath.

How much was left in the vial, anyways?

I filled it.

That’s right, we must have had a least three flagons of that ale.

More than enough to fill that vial.

You and your classic ‘family secret wolf repellent.’

I guess we should follow her, make sure she doesn’t get hurt.

You know....there’s that outcropping. Near the stream. We could watch her from there...

I thought you didn’t like her?

Can I help it if I like the way you feel when we look at her?

Well, I guess we’re decided. We go after her.

Might as well. We seem to have already marked her as our territory.<chuckle>


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