Xena: Warrior Princess, and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction.
NOTE: All works remain the © copyright of the original author. These may not be republished without the author's consent.
This story depicts a love/sexual relationship between two consenting adult women. If you are under 18 years of age or if this type of story is illegal in the state or country in which you live, please do not read it. If depictions of this nature disturb you, you may wish to read something other than this story.
COMMENTS: For the brokenhearted lovers who have lost and the few who were blessed enough to shine. Please feel free to comment on the story. Greatpear@yahoo.com
So Lonesome I Could Cry
"Its over? You mean that everything that youve been telling me has been a lie? These three winters plus, that we have been traveling all over the gods playground have been nothing to you?" Gabrielle screamed at Xena.
"Of course it meant something! You of all people should know that! But things change, like the direction of the wind or the way the dew runs off of a leaf, Gabrielle! I wasnt looking for love, I loved you! I still love you but just not the same way!" The Warrior explained.
"Xena!" Gabrielle had tears streaming down her face as she sobbed uncontrollably. "You said, even in death ."
He stood in the shadows away from where this conversation was taking place. His heart was sad for Gabrielle and he sympathized with her but he had never intended to fall in love with the Warrior. It was something that started out more like a challenge and ended up in learning to know too much about the feelings the each other had, that moved from somewhere deep down to the surface of their hearts. He likened it to the plant that flowers once but every seven winters and although the showing is brief, it is more than beautiful. Although he had hoped what they found would not be brief.
"I need you, Xena!" The Bard cried pitifully on.
"Right now, you feel you need me Gabrielle but six moons from now, you might be saying, Xena who?"
The Warrior continued the conversation, "What we had will always be special to me. Ill still be your friend, you know that dont you? All that has really changed is ..we wont be sleeping together anymore. Gabrielle, something moved within me. It stirred deep in my soul and I guess it was hidden under many, many winters of denial. Now, I have to follow my heart and my heart belongs to him."
The Bard stood with her back against the wall of Cyrenes Inn, with a cold, blank stare. Her head was numb as she tried to make some sense of what was unfolding before her. This was incomprehensible to the center of her being. She had made a lifelong commitment to this woman that stood before her. Thirteen moons ago, the Oracle had told her that there was a message for her, which would be very hard to digest.
He said, "Minds can change as they desire!"
The Bard thought, so can hearts, I guess.
"Its OK Xena, I understand." Said the blonde with the bloodshot green eyes. "Can I kiss you goodbye, Xena?"
"I, uh, really dont feel comfortable doing that anymore. Dont look at me like that! I have to be the one to live with this decision." The Warrior closed and walked away. As she headed across the open area in front of the inn, she thought she her one faint cry but she never looked back. He met her with the horses; they mounted and simply rode away.
Gabrielle collapsed on the ground and felt all of her emotions crumble into a pathetic heap, as she continued to weep for the woman she loved. Several candlemarks later, Cyrene came out to look for her and found her curled up next to the side of the inn, staring off into space.
"Dear child, come inside. This will pass as all pain does. I still love you and youll always be considered part of the family, you know that dont you my dear."
Cyrene tried her best at helping her daughters ex lover deal with the moment. Sitting her down in front of the fireplace in the main room, Xenas mother covered her with a shawl as Gabrielle sat in a large over stuffed chair staring at the flames. This kind of hurt sometimes takes a lifetime, Cyrene thought to herself as she went to the kitchen to make some chamomile tea for the young woman. She knew that this would help her sleep through the night. When Cyrene brought the tea back to give to the Bard, it was as if nothing had changed, as if she was looking at a picture that was forever still. This grieved the older woman, as there was nothing that could take the pain away.
Cyrene slept on a stuffed chair and footstool near Gabrielle, just in case she woke in the middle of the night and needed something or someone. Thats a sweet song that I hear, Xenas mother thought, then realized that she was listening to the morning songbirds, talking to each other and the night had passed. As she got off of the chair, Cyrene was figuring on cooking a couple of eggs and pork for breakfast. She knew how much the Bard liked to eat and the smell of food might get her own juices flowing.
Calling over to the other chair, she said, "Gabrielle, how about I cook us up some eg .." As she made it across the room and turned, the chair was empty, the shawl was on the floor and there was no Gabrielle to be seen. On the table near the window was a note from the Bard. In it she told Cyrene how much she loved her and thanked her for all the support that she had given not only to herself but the support she gave her daughter with their relationship and just being a good friend to her. The Bard wrote that she needed to leave and that she was borrowing the horse and supplies but would return them sometime in the future. Gabrielle would hope that she would understand that good-byes would be extremely tough right now and she just needed to get away and do some soul searching.
In the stable, the Bard had just about finished saddling up a horse. The saddlebags were packed, she had a full waterskin and the only place that she had ever known that she called home was waiting for her. It was hid in the mountains beneath a double waterfall, northwest of Poteidaia, the origin of her birth. In her mind, this is where she would go, hoping to find a shred of peace or some solitude. If nothing else, this was a place in which she could reflect on what had happened to Xena at the expense of her own heart and possibly slow the bleeding. With a renewed hope then, she might begin to reassemble the fragments and try to keep on with whatever lifes plan was for her. Gabrielle believed that something even higher than the gods would guide her to where she was to be, something that was out there but was unspoken because there was no way to put it to words.
Tega was the horses name; it was a brown mare that had some adventure left in her but still was a safe ride for Gabrielle who was not extremely fond of riding. Horse and rider moved from the stable and across the clearing toward the north. It was there that she would get on the road that headed northwest, to a new beginning. The skies were overcast and the air smelled of rain but nothing mattered at the moment except to get away. Isolated from a life that had become hers, from what had been her reality, her dreams accomplished in love and friendship, now simply gone forever. What was left remaining was a lonely figure fading into the horizon on a dark horse.
It wasnt quite as easy as Xena had thought it would be and the voices in her head were telling her many different things. She rode along side of him, smiling in his direction every so often but she was feeling something deep in the pit of her stomach that just didnt make sense.
It must be guilt that I feel. I know that I followed this through a long thought process and that life is just too short! I need an heir, I need for me to find out exactly who I am, plus this is good for Gabrielle and gives her a chance to explore more of life rather than settling into a relationship so early in life. Xena worked it over in her mind, trying to justify what she had decided.
"Xena! Xena! Where are you Xena?" He asked her repeatedly as she came back to reality.
"Im here, I was just thinking about what it will be like in the cabin. You know, this is going to be different at first." The Warrior commented.
"Different for you!" He said.
"And for you too!" Not catching drift of the remark. "Living together will be a challenge for both of us." Xena told him as she continued down the rode on Argo. Every once in awhile she found herself looking back and down at the road, not sure if it was out of habit or anticipation but it was beginning to annoy the Warrior.
Traveling was always a relaxing mode for Xena but today she felt like she was drifting away, much as a cloud passes along on an autumn wind. A wind much quicker than the slow August breeze that comes before it. The feeling was not pleasant, in fact it was rather uncomfortable but she put it off to nerves and all of the recent changes that had taken place.
"Lets stop at that inn up the road and get something for dinner my love." Smiling as he spoke to her.
"Sure, thatll be fine." Xena smiled back.
Gabrielle had been on the trail for a day and a half, moving slowly in the direction of home as she had named it the better part of three seasons ago. Reaching the river was a bit of a lift for the Bard spiritually, because it brought back some very pleasant memories of swimming nude with Xena, then making love and not just sex, although there were times when we were both so hungry for each other that we were like a couple of wild animals. The Bard grinned to herself as she mused about the visions in her head.
She stopped for awhile and pulled out an apple for Tega, who took it with minimal coaxing. Following the river, Gabrielle rode directly north. The weather was just starting to break up and there were glimpses of sun peeking through the clouds for short periods of time. The warmth on her face felt good but the heavy feeling in her chest would just not go away. It was getting to be time to take a serious look for a place to camp for the night. The previous night was a blur because of her emotions being torn from her but tonight there was a little bit of fear, being alone. She didnt have the security of being with her Warrior, yea, her Warrior, she thought.
Not anymore .Xena, how could end what we both thought was destiny? I love you Xena! Doesnt that mean anything to you? Youre breaking my heart!
Gabrielle got off of the horse and lost her lunch in the brush. When the green-eyed blonde regrouped, she looked across the river to the clearing where Xena and her had saw the two does that appeared to be a couple. Along the edge of the bank stood one solitary doe and it looked directly at the Bard. The two of them stood for a long time, as if the other knew that there had been a change in the make-up of life for both of them. At exactly the same instant, they each turned to walk away. Gabrielle looked back in an attempt to see if the other doe would join her friend but one was all there was.
Tega waited patiently as Gabrielle cried softly, holding on to the saddle. When she got her control back, she mounted the horse and continued to look for a good campsite. Half of a candlemark later, the Bard stopped at a small knoll where she started a fire and watered the horse, then bathed and caught two fish, as Xena had taught her. She cleaned and cooked them up, then ate for the first time in awhile. Sleep came swiftly until she dreamt a little too strongly and sat up in a sweat. The rest of the night was given to listening to the sounds of the river and the forest, as she lay on her back, looking at the stars.
Xena taught her good and when morning came it was difficult to see if she had been camped there or not. Everything had been cleaned up, the fire dispersed and she was up in the saddle and heading up the trail at a gingerly pace. Home was no too far away from where she was at this point in the journey.
Xena and her beau had reached the cabin. It was a beautiful place that was southwest of where Gabrielle was moving toward. All of the preliminaries were taken care of such as, taking the saddles and bridles off of the animals, then letting them have the run of the area. There was an open stable that was attached to the cabin so when the horses wanted shelter they knew where to come. The fresh hay was an added attraction. Xena walked in and took a look around, then she sat down on the bed and said, "Come here and kiss me. I need some lovin."
"Thats my girl! I thought you might bolt on me for a flick of the candles flame! Its good to see you settling into what we have together." Then he kneeled down in front of her, wrapped his arms around Xena and their lips touched.
Xena responded for an instant or two then pulled away. "No! I cant do this! I really thought I could but I cant let go of her. She is my other half."
He looked at her with wide-eyed wonder as she began to gather her things. There was nothing to say or do and he knew it, so he went to the open stable and saddled her horse for her. Made sure that everything was prepared and waited for her to come out of the cabin. A little while later, Xena had her saddlebags filled and was ready to leave.
She walked into the stable area and saw what he had done, then leaned into him, giving him a kiss. "You are a good man and someone will catch you but my game is north of here. The beauty of it all is that, I need her as much as she needs me and if shell still have me then Ill be hers."
All he said was, "I know."
The brokenhearted blonde could hear the high pitch sound of the falcon as she approached the area where the falls were. The mist from the plummeting water was visible just up ahead and there was a moment of comfort in getting back to a safe sanctuary. With little apprehension Tega walked under the double waterfall and right into the hidden cave. Gabrielle lit several candles and a torch, looked around for skunks and other varmints before she unsaddled the horse and got her settled in. There was plenty of food and running water, blankets, wood, wine, tea but no Xena. Gabrielle knew she could stay put for a full moon and never do a thing with the exception of bring in additional firewood and fish when she had the urge.
A hot bath was in order because of the traveling and she felt dirty, betrayed and as if there was something wrong with her. All of the sudden she felt like she had a disease and her dearest and closest friend, lover and soulmate was afraid it was going to rub off on her. Deep down in her heart she knew this wasnt so but she was so devastated by the breakup, her mind was working hard at trying to come up with a legitimate reason for this happening.
The water had been brought back and forth through the heating process and the large recession in the stone floor, which was as natural tub, now was filled. Gabrielle had a great fire burning and the chill in the cave had been driven away by this time, so she peeled off her clothes then grabbed a jug of wine. Moving to the shelf, she picked up some dried lavender flowers, threw them into the water and slipped into the warmth that she needed at this moment. The wine went down easy, too easy and as she loosed up the tears began to fall like an early spring rain. A candlemark had passed and it was time to get out of the tub or freeze, so she dried herself, put on a light tunic and poked a stick at the fire. Every so often, Gabrielle would look across from where she sat but Xena was not there. The numb blonde was getting pretty woozy, so she moved to the bearskins and passed out until morning.
Riding like life and death depended upon her immediate arrival, Xena tore up the roads with Argo but after awhile she realized the time of night and how far she had to travel. Amphipolis was a two-day ride but Xena was hoping that Gabrielle had stayed with Cyrene for awhile. She slowed the horse, apologized to Argo and measured the pace considerably. Two more candlemarks on the road in the middle of the night was about as far as Xena felt comfortable with. She decided to break and get some sleep. Shutting her mind down was going to be a great challenge. All she could think of was, what am I going to say? What if she tells me to ride on? Im scared ..what did I do to her?
The Warrior was up and out of the bedroll at first light. She still had the better part of a day to travel. There was no wasting time but she also had a better head to know that she had to slow down her pace, which would give her some time to make up her mind about what to say.
Hades! What could be said that wasnt going to sound like a pure excuse?
Amphipolis had taken on a gloomy appearance but it was all in Xenas mind as she approached her mothers inn. Fear found itself climbing into the pit of her stomach as she tied off her horse and walked inside, trying to maintain some control. The place was quiet with the exception of a half dozen people enjoying an ale and conversation. Xena walked through the customer area and went into the kitchen to see whom she could find.
"Mother! Wheres Gabrielle, I really need to talk to her." The Warrior started without a verbal greeting as she wrapped her arms around her mothers waist and kissed her on the head.
"Shes not here Xena. She took Tega and some supplies. Must have left early the next morning after you rode out with him. She left this note," Cyrene handed Xena the paper. "But it did not say where she was going. Maybe back to Poteidaia but somehow I dont think so. I believe she wanted to be alone, so she could sort through all of this. Oh, Xena, why did this happen? She was so heartbroken and numb. I have never seen her like that before."
"Mother I was wrong. I did a foolish thing and thought that this would be better for both of us. I took away her choices and tried to choose the best path for her and for me. I failed miserably." The Warrior paused for a little bit then looked out the kitchen window and a faint smile crossed her lips. "I think I know where she is! She went home."
"Home? are you sure Xena?"
"No, mom, not Poteidaia but our home. It a little place we never told anyone about. A secret place. Thats where she is Ill bet." Xena said as she turned away toward the door. She spun around and said, "I gotta go mom, I love you!" And she was out the door and riding away before this all had a chance to sink in to Cyrenes mind.
The Bard woke up with a wicked head full of spiders and her tongue felt like it had been dragged through a pigsty. She kept hearing those Amazon war drums pounding away in the confines of her head. Then the eyes opened and she realized that what she thought she dreamt was in fact the horrible truth that had slapped her into a state of panic and fear. Standing, Gabrielle made it over to the freshwater stream and started splashing water in her face. It helped some but she needed to heat some tea and throw a little something into it to fix the physical pain so she could get back to mourning her loss.
It took a better than two candlemarks to get her feeling where she could move around without wanting to get sick. When the Bard got herself into one piece, she checked on Tega and went to swim in the river awhile. Gabrielle stayed in the water a long time then she came out and laid on the rocks in the sun, sleeping on and off. A candlemark later, the blonde opened one eye to see that she had company. Standing on a rock not too far away, was the falcon who so masterfully had been the warning system at this special place. If someone approached them, the bird would announce it long before they were near the cave entrance. The bird cocked an eye in the direction of the Bard, then made a high pitched sound, as if to say, I am here to keep you company.
When Gabrielle sat up, the falcon moved up one rock but did not fly away. This moved the Bards heart but it made her sad again as she thought, this falcon finds nothing wrong with me, why is it you do, Xena?
Gabrielle returned to the water and found a quiet pool where Xena had fished before. After a half of candlemark, she had caught three fish. She took two and left one for the falcon for being a friend to her. The fish made a good midday meal. Afterwards the Bard started to write her feelings down upon a scroll. She worked for hours at it, placing down the joys and hurts of the past moon, trying to figure out how something like this could have happened to two women that had been nurtured by the gods to stay together as soulmates.
It must have all been a lie. Perhaps too many encounters with Ares eventually drove her away from me and into the arms of that stranger. He was a gallant man and handsome too but it wasnt right!
Several days went by and although the pain did not fade, it did become more bearable. There were long periods of reflection on the past as well as what the future might hold but that usually brought a rush of tears. Gabrielle did some sewing and tried to tidy the place up some but her heart wasnt into it. She was much more careful with her movements around the outside of the cave. If she hurt herself, being all alone could be disastrous, plus there was always the chance of predators. Gabrielle was sitting around one afternoon following several candlemarks of hard swimming. She was working on a scroll and eventually ended up in the dream world.
It was evident that she must have dozed off because when the Bard awoke the fire was low and looking outside she saw that night had fallen. The wine would take the chill from her bones but she would be careful not to overindulge, as she had several evenings before. Fire burning brightly, a couple of mugs of wine and two big sad eyes, Gabrielle decided to move to the higher rocks outside in front of the pool beneath the falls. She talked to Xena although she was alone.
"I miss you Xena. I thought we would be together forever. I thought that you were the only one I would ever make love to in my whole life and I was comfortable with that. Why did you leave me? I thought you loved me, Xena." There were some sobs as she got her control back and continued. "You told me you had learned so much from me and I learned so many things from you. Something out there found that magic between us and knew that we were special. I just dont understand what could have happened. Now I sit here in my sorrow, not because I hate you, not because I feel sorry for myself but because .Im so lonesome I could cry!"
"Dont cry my love." Xena spoke from behind her.
At first, Gabrielle thought she had heard Xenas voice in her head, then something told her to turn around. There stood the Warrior with tears running down her face as she dropped to her knees and said, "Forgive me Gabrielle. I made an awful mistake and tried to think for both of us rather than allowing you, your choices. Please forgive me."
"Oh Xena!" The Bard got to her feet, came running over and just about knocked Xena over as she hugged and kissed her over and over, telling her how much she loved her. This took some time before they both leaned back and looked at each other. There was a level of apprehensive behavior on both womens part because neither one wanted to be hurt. Xena finally said, "Lets go inside my friend."
Gabrielle got to her feet, wiping the tears from her eyes and smiled at Xena. "OK, Ill make some tea."
They went inside and by now had a system down for getting just a little wet as they ducked through the falls. There were a few spots that were forgiving. Xena sat where she usually sat but still felt like a guest in her own house and that puzzled her a little. Talk was limited to questions pertaining to Cyrene and how she was after Gabrielle had left. Once the tea was ready, things became a little more comfortable as they talked about everything and anything.
I wonder if shes afraid to touch me now? Gabrielle thought to herself as their conversation continued.
Xena was much worse off in her own head and thought, If I try to get intimate with her and she rejects me, what will I do? I know I have it coming to me but I sorry that I did what I did. I guess the great Warrior of Amphipolis will have to have the courage to see what happens!
Remarkably, they both got to their feet at the same time but Xena moved to the side of the fire where the bearskin bed was. She said nothing but moved to where she could feel the Bards breath against her skin. Bending down, she looked deeply into those green eyes and tried to read what they wanted. She perceived the message, as Gabrielle wanting her, so almost cautiously she married her lips to the Bards and began to feel the wanting that she was afraid would never be there again. The kiss ended and Gabrielle said, "I love you Xena."
"And I love you Gabrielle."
Soft kisses that could not be numbered passed between them as they settled on the bearskin. Armor fell, and then the leathers, the wrapped skirt and the laces were undone as the blonde released her breasts. The Warrior removed her breeches and boots, joining Gabrielle on the bed. Their eyes made contact as Xena reached down, pulling the blondes undergarments off of her. There was a silence that veiled these two, as if this was their first time together. Every kiss, each contact of flesh against flesh, shot through their bodies as surges of ecstasy. Love of the spiritual bond that these two souls had, was now being expressed in the physical. What their hearts felt were expressions that could be shown to one and other through the miracle of contact. Xena took the Bards nipple in her mouth and savored the tenderness of the flesh as it firmed and rose to meet her tongue. She bathed it in her juices, pulling gently as a reminder that she was still there. Her hand caressed the muscles in Gabrielles shoulders and arms as she refreshed her hands memory as it traveled the surface of this womans skin. This was her lover, if she would have her.
The lids were closed over those emerald eyes and the lips were pursed as she enjoyed those feelings that were stirring in her center. Xena taunted the other nipple for awhile as Gabrielle arced her back each time the lightening shot through her person to that place where only Xena had access.
Please move faster Xena. Im falling apart. I need your tongue inside of me. The Bards mind was whirling.
Moving back to Gabrielles lips, Xena made one last contact before she went to find the blondes center. Kissing and biting the soft flesh on the Bards hips and stomach only increased her hip motion as the Warrior neared the destination. When she felt the silky blonde hairs that protected the chamber of love, her tongue moved out in exploration. It found where the flesh was creased and the beginning of the opening began. Xena moved her tongue between every fold, every piece of velvety flesh she could find. The juices flowed and she tasted that which was indescribable. The Warrior tried to stay delicate but she was in a fever that was climbing quickly for both of them.
The nerve center was locked onto with Xenas mouth wrapped snugly around it and her tongue danced and rubbed and slid across it until the young blonde screamed, "Xeeenaa! Oh gods, Xena ..Uhh!" The Warrior slid a finger into the channel and helped the Bard reach orgasm again.
The two lovers pleasured each other into the morning hours, slept for awhile and then awoke and talked some more. They both agreed that each one had to stand as an elm and an oak, able to support themselves in what they as an individual wanted and needed within and without, then this would allow them each other, for neither would stand in the others shadow, hindering their growth.
The falcon was perched on a dead tree but broke to the air, floating on the currents for a time then settling near the cave on a rocky ledge. Perhaps it was her way of letting the two lovers below know that there is a certain balance in life and not everyone can live on the edge.
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