Darkbard Fantasies February 21, 1997
The characters of Xena and Gabrielle are the property of MCA/Universal. The story is all mine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
for my soul...
She stole my heart. My love was the ransom. When I could not pay what she desired, she broke it into little pieces. And left them for me to pick up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I only really want to know *why*. And how and when and what I did wrong. I thought I did everything right. I thought I had done everything she asked. I thought I gave her everything she wanted. I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever met. Inside and out. I cared about her. I worried about her. I cherished her - as a friend and a lover. I needed her. I wanted her. I may have desired her above all else. Yet, I know I loved her with all my heart. I once even thought she was the completion of my soul. Everything she was, I was. For the first time, I liked who I was with her. I was the *me* I knew that lurked deep inside. I looked into her sensuous, knowing eyes and saw my soul, my very being, burning inside them. But, was it what she saw or my own reflection? Did I see what I wanted to see? Did she really love me back or was my stolen heart lying to me? I think she did. I want to believe she did. I hope she did.
Why? Why did she stop loving me? She once told me "God...I'm in love with you." That wasn't so long ago. I remember it was late one night. We had stayed up talking about so many things that seemed so important to us back then. Perhaps she was caught up in the moment; I think she just blurted it out without really knowing she meant to say it. She sounded so convincing - so wrought with emotion. Her wonderful voice so deep and moving. Such a declaration as I'd never heard. I remember how shocked I was to hear her say it. My stolen heart burst at that moment with more love than I ever thought possible. I was in love with her before that; afterwards I fell deeper still. And I don't know how that was possible.
Does she know how much I will miss her? Her smile, her touch, her warm glances, her caring voice, her soft skin, her lucious hair, her perfume, her passionate kisses? Does she know I still long for her? To be intimate with her? To make her crazy with desire? To fulfill some animal need that lies between us? To touch her in ways she has never been touched? To put my fingers, hands, and tongue in places never reached before? To make all her fantasies come true? To make her scream and shout and grab the sheets when lost in wild abandon? To make her come like she has never truly before? To give her something no other woman ever has? To make her *know* she is the only one? I wanted to be her passion, her promise, her end. Now, I am no one to her. Just a piece of her past.
But I still sit here wondering *why*. Why did she say she loved me then change her mind? Did it just happen that she fell out of love or did she choose to fall out? If it just happened, what did I do wrong that provoked it? What did I say that turned her away? If she chose to not be in love with me, then why won't she tell me her secret how to forget, so I can do the same with her? If it is that easy, then why should I sit here suffering with all this pain and guilt? Why can't *I* chose to ignore *my* feelings?
How did this happen? I must have done something to hurt her or make her hate me. I must have. But what?
Why did this happen? Because I failed her in some way. I wasn't who or what she wanted. I simply couldn't be what she wanted or needed. But I tried to be everything to her. I gave her all I had. Didn't I?
When did this happen? Did I see it happening? Did I ignore it? Did I not want to believe it? I should have opened my eyes. I should have quit staring at her long enough to look at her. Am I blind?
What made this happen? What did I do that was so bad that made me deserve her cruelty and lies and broken promises? What made her think she just had to hurt me when she swore she never would? Why me?
I could go on and on with endless questions. But what good would it do? I won't change how she feels about me. Or how I feel towards her. I am still in love with her. Will I always be? I had always thought so. Will this go away? I never wanted it to. Now, I have to try and force myself to lie. To lie about my own feelings. To deny them. To ignore them. I have to cheat on myself. And, it's for her sake, not my own. I can take the pain. I can endure the longing, my unwanted desire, my broken dreams, and my emptiness. But, damn if I don't love her so much that I worry about how *she* feels. I don't want to hurt her with my love. I don't want it to bring her down or make her worry. I don't want her to hate me for continuing to love her. That would be worse than anything.
So what next? What happens now? How do I act around her? We still want to be friends. First and foremost, we always said. But, is that possible? Can I be around her and not let her see me? See inside me? Can I shield my eyes from her forever? Can I hide myself yet be standing right there next to her? Can I pretend I am not dying from the loneliness of having my heart stolen out from inside me? That I am *ok* with being left out of her life? Out of her heart forever?
How do I cope with the lies I must tell myself? Can I handle the rejection? Am I strong enough to survive?
It's only been one day. Typical of one rejected, I don't eat or sleep. And, the hours have seemed like endless days. But it's been forever in my heart. No wait, I have no heart. She stole it.
But, look. There on the ground. Little tiny pieces of it lie all around. Discarded - like unwanted trash.
Oh, look, here's another piece of my heart. I was standing on it. Maybe if I can find all the pieces I can reassemble them - like a mystery puzzle. I wonder what it will look like when I'm through?
I am no longer her Bard. Yet, she is still my Warrior. She always will be. I am no longer her "sweet" or her "little one". My love for her no longer rates those kinds of endearments. I never thought "The Letting Go" would happen to me yet, I think my life just took on a simple twist of fate. I am now free. And, apparently I always was. My heart was once raging, now stolen. She once waited. And yet... I still think of her...
And, more importantly, why did she leave me this way?
The Bard's Corner