UBERMADNESS - THE LOST EPISODE

by The Author Who Dare Not Speak Her Name And Thereby Ruin A Perfectly Good Dramatic Exit From The Xenaverse (aka Dana "Amazon Girl" Cory)

 

ADULT CONTENT: If you're old enough to read "Uber-Madness"(or any of Bat Morda's stories), you can handle this. It's not as graphic as, say, that infamous 70's porno-musical, Alice-in-Wonderland flick, staring that chick who turned up three years later in that Jackie Chan movie "The Big Brawl"; but if you think you'll be disturbed by the creative mixture of childhood symbols and hot girl-girl action, hit the "back" button now! If you're looking for plot, I suggest the works of Tolstoy, 'cuz there ain't none here ;-)

DISCLAIMERS: Rielle and Xero/Ziva belong to Batsky, who kinda loosely based them on characters who used to act that way owned by MCA/Universal/USA Studios, who "borrowed" most of their ideas for said characters from a myriad of other sources and - really, people - should have been sued by now for plagiarism!

Oh, and Eisner, don't even THINK about trying to sic some of your mouse-ear-wearin'-jack-booted storm troopers on me! Hey, doesn't Winnie The Pooh belong to some dead Limey anyway? Ha! Gotcha!

Many Thanks to Bat Morda and her various alter egos for letting me pay "homage" to her fabulous story in my own sick and twisted way. Bat, I know you only met me for five minutes a year ago, but *sniff* I love you, man! *schnurfle*

OK, Party People, this is absolutely my LAST piece of XWP fanfic/satire ENJOY!

 

{The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things

Their tops are made out of rubber
The bottoms are made out of springs

They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
fun, fun, fun, fun, fun

But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is
I'm the only one!}

CH. 13 "THE HONEYMOON"

Sounds of passion fill a dimly lit hotel room in Anaheim on a gray Wednesday afternoon. Outside, a light acid rain falls on the nearby Magic Kingdom, now closed for massive repairs after a recent conflict between the forces of good and evil.

The Honeymoon Suite is cluttered with costume cast-offs; a Tigger head lolls grotesquely next to Winnie the Pooh's. Pieces of Minnie and Mickey Mouse lead a surreal trail from the living room the bedroom. Empty husks of Goofy and Pluto hang haphazardly on chairs, while the remains of a Tigger skin lie crumpled at the foot of the king-size bed. A very bouncy king-size bed, with what appears to be a Pooh-bear with backwards Tigger feet sprouting from where its Pooh-head should be; having a seizure on top of a Snow White And The Seven Vertically Challenged People embroidered comforter.

The mutant Winnie-beast flails helplessly as if an alien were trying to burst forth from its cuddly tummy. Two voices, low and high, groan and gasp in muffled syncopation.

"Oh, Xena! I mean Xero, er, I mean Ziva! UNNNGH!"

"Rielle, Rielle, Rielle... GAB-RI-ELLE!"

The Winnie-thing collapses with a final moan and lays still for several moments.

*ZZZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPP*

The beast's belly suddenly opens up to reveal a nearly-naked and very sweaty Ziva Covington, ne Xero. The raven-haired former-hacker pulls her two Tigger-pawed hands deep from the interior of The Pooh Suit, and rolls off her companion a bit less gracefully than usual, in part because of the gangly Tigger-feet still attached to Xero's legs. The Winnie-Skin heaves a sigh of relief, as its occupant struggles to replenish her oxygen. An equally sweaty and naked Rielle MacGab then emerges from the top half of the Winnie costume, shrugging her shoulders out of the sleeves. The honey-haired former-syscop struggles against exhaustion to prop herself on her elbows and gaze at her beloved Xero's face, down by her Pooh-bear feet.

"Whew! Well, that was an 'E ticket' ride..." Rielle groans at her still-panting lover.

"An antiquated but accurate description." Replies the statuesque reincarnated-warrior.

"Oooohhh, I think we broke something on that last go." The strawberry blonde stretches her jaw, trying to pop it back in place.

"You mean like a world record for orgasms?" Xero says, swiping a Tigger paw playfully at her mate. The Amazon-in-a-past-life barely avoids the swat.

"Yeah, how many is that, d'ya think?" Rielle starts the calculations in her head. The ex-hacker beats her to the answer.

"Let's see...Thirty-four hours of sex - not counting sleeping, eating, and bathing - I've had fifty-seven, you've had..."

"Sixty-six."

"So, a team average of about 3.6 orgasms per hour of activity. I'm sure Guinness would be impressed by that, although you owe me a few." Xe teases her beloved. Rielle groans again. The brunette lifts her head up enough to quirk an eyebrow at her petite reincarnated-Amazon lover.
"Why, do you want to stop?"

"Oh, no, no, no! I didn't say that..." Rielle hastily backpedals as she escapes from the rest of her costume. "It's just that maybe we could rest for a little while, y'know...Replenish our electrolytes, ingest nutrients, that sort of thing." She finally frees herself and moves her nude body to lay in Xero's strong embrace.

"Mmmm...OK." The ex-hacker gets up off the bed just as her lover was snuggling down. "How about some more Bud?"

"Honey, I REALLY need to rest or my tongue will fall off..." Rielle whines.

"No, I meant a beer." Xero smirks at the sprawled-out strawberry blond as she removes her Tigger-paws, then turns to open the mini-fridge.

"Oh, uh, yeah...Thanks". Rielle mumbles sheepishly as her dusky lover hands her the beverage. They sit back against the headboard and simultaneously drain their bottles in one draught. Xero lets loose a gigantic belch, then - much to her surprise - Rielle busts out an even louder one. The lovers start giggling uncontrollably, which of course reminds them of another giggle fit from two weeks ago - in the Submarine Voyage ride.

"Take her down deeper..." The ex-syscop orders in a deep voice while she steers her empty Bud bottle through the air towards Xero's body. The taller woman squeals and squirms away to avoid invasion.

"Going deeper, aye-aye Captain." Rielle answers herself in a different voice as she mock-chases her lover around the bed with the "submarine". After a few laps Xero manages to bat the enemy vessel out of range, sending it flying across the room where it lands with a *splurnk* impaled in Goofy's left eye. The women laugh even harder, falling back onto the bed in hysterics. After several minutes, they regain a bit of composure and resume snuggling. Rielle rests her cheek on Xero's broad shoulder while the brunette traces her fingernails in lazy patterns across the smaller woman's back. The petite Amazon almost dozes off from the affectionate attention when a thought wakes her up.

"Xe, why did you keep the Tigger paws on that whole time?"

"I thought you were going to call me Zi, like my birth name..." The reformed criminal goads her lover.

"Let's just stick to the question at hand, so to speak." Damn it, Rielle hated when her lover's ADD kicked in. Xero/Ziva/Xena continues as if she hasn't been interrupted.

"Or we could go with a Russian theme, like 'Tsij'...I like Russian things, like my motorcycle - oh! - and those pretty girls you can order online..."

"HOW ABOUT 'ACCHJOLE'?" That finally gets the brunette's attention. The smaller woman reins in her anger. "I mean, darling, what difference does it make; 'Xe', 'Zi', or 'Tsiy'..."

"It's 'Tsij'."

"Whatever...It all sounds the same! I'm trying to find out WHY you persisted in wearing those Tigger paws!"

"I was persisting?" Xero is genuinely confused at her lover's annoyance. Rielle draws in a long, calming breath and tries to speak gently.

"Yes, you were persisting."

"I persisted?"

"No; Persisting."

"What?"

"What 'what'?"

Now both women are confused. They each stare off at a different point in space and silently conjugate the verb for a few beats.

"I thought you liked them." Xero's non-sequitur yanks Rielle out of her reverie.

"What?" The honey-haired woman turns to her companion in more confusion.

"The paws, I thought you were enjoying the Effect." The brunette wiggles her fingers to emphasize her point. Rielle blushes and snuggles closer, entwining their fingers together.

"Oh, I most definitely enjoyed it, it's just that it seemed kinda silly after a while."

"Whoa, Nellie! Let me get this straight," Xe gives her lover an incredulous stare. "You mean to say you had my Tigger tail where the sun don't shine - TWICE - and you're worried about getting silly? Darling, I hate to break it to ya, but we passed 'silly' yesterday morning at 10:26." The raven-haired beauty smirks at Rielle.

"OK,OK," The ex-syscop concedes, burying her head in the crook of her lover's shoulder.

"Besides," Xero decides to push her luck. "I didn't want my precious new platinum-titanium wedding ring to come off and get lost in some unmentionable place."

The petite Amazon takes the bait and pushes back.

"You mean the one you BEGGED me to buy just before you INSISTED we drive to New Vegas in the rain on a motorcycle - "

"But - "

"When the ink on my divorce papers from Paula wasn't even dry -"

"Honey, I - "

"And dragged me all over town until we found, what was it? Oh, yes! A Russian Orthodox, Gay-Friendly Elvis Impersonator to marry us! Did I get that right?" Rielle is slightly out-of-breath from her mini-rant.

"I told you, I like Russian things... And I... Love... You." The gorgeous ex-hacker punctuates her words with gentle kisses all over her beloved's face. Xero momentarily pauses her attentions to point out the silver lining. "At least Father Abrahamowitzonovi chinskyovskaya gave us fifty bucks worth of chips for the casino."

The honey-haired woman chuckles and offers her nape for Xe's consumption. The raven-haired woman accepts the invitation and trails her lips down her lover's throat. A loud rumbling interrupts their necking. The warlord-in-a-past-life quirks her eyebrow at her companion.

"Thunder?"

"Stomach."

"Room service?"

"Yep."

Xero sighs and reluctantly pulls herself off her new wife's nubile form and pads over to the room's computer console to enter their order. She looks over her shoulder at Rielle.

"Tofu French Dip or Vegan Rueben?"

"French Dip. Extra pickles on the side."

The lithe brunette nods in acknowledgment as she types.

*Funny*, Rielle thinks to herself as she watches her lover, *Who'd believe an emotionally infantile, violent but brilliant ex-hacker could be so easily domesticated...Guess love conquers all.*

"Rielle, Honey?"

"Huh?" The ex-syscop snaps her attention from her mate's perfect breasts to her cerulean eyes. To her dismay, Xero has what has become known as the 'Shame Spiral of Doubt' look on her face.

"Do you think we rushed into things? I mean, a five year marriage contract is a big step..."

*Oh, boy, and I thought Paula was 'high maintenance'* Rielle rolls her eyes, then lets her gaze linger over her new wife's body * But DAMN Xe sure is sexy. Sexy, sexy, sexy... Come to think of it, I'm just as pussy-whipped as she is*...

"Rielle? Please say something."

The petite woman sighs and steels herself for the inevitable. *Here we go...Hope the food gets here soon*

[an infinite interlude of lesbian processing, room service food, and post-processing make-up sex later...]

 

{The Wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful chaps

They're loaded with vim and vigor
They love to leap in your laps

They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun

But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is
I'm the only one!}

 

"Oooohhh, yes!" Xero cries out as she comes for the seventh (or sixty-fourth) time. She collapses bonelessly back on the floor, and closes her eyes to drift on a tide of ecstatic endorphins. The dusky beauty keeps her eyes closed, but thanks her hard-working lover. "Oh, wow! That was amazing Ri...I really needed that. All of it."

Rielle crawls up the taller woman's body to bless her with a long, slow sweet-salty kiss.

"Mmmmm... You're almost caught up to me." The smaller woman reminds her sated mate.

"Uh-huh..." Xe mumbles, fast approaching dreamland. Suddenly she bolts upright in a panic. "Oh my god, Ri! Where's the pickle? Where'd it go?" She frantically contorts to inspect between her own legs.

"Chill out, Xe!" Rielle waves the pickle in front of Xero's face. "I got it right here, it's OK." The ex-syscop grins and takes a crunchy bite of it.

The taller woman heaves a sigh of relief and laughs.

"Whew! That would have been another embarrassing trip to the ER."

Their laughter begins to echo with reverb as the scene dissolves hazily into a confusingly-filmed flashback sequence, wherein Rielle - dressed as Snow White - and Xero - dressed as the Wicked Queen - attempt to explain to the doctors just how Rielle "accidentally sat on" the plastic Sneezey doll. Before anyone can clearly tell what's happening (thankfully!), the flashback ends and the scene dissolves back to the present.

"Now that's what I call a sticky situation!" Xero giggles. Her wife is slightly less amused at the memory.

"Hey! It was uncomfortable! AND who's idea was it to play 'Hide The Dwarf', anyhow?"

"The correct term is 'Vertically Challenged Person'."

"Whatever!" Rielle pokes Xero's chest with an indignant finger. "As I recall you insisted we try it."

"I was insisting?" The ex-criminal asks innocently, batting her eyelashes.

"Oh no you don't! We're not going there again!" Ri scrambles away from her irritating lover.

"Alright, alright!" Xe holds up her hands in a placating gesture. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

The smaller woman "hrumphs", but returns to cuddling mode. As the lovers lay quietly together Rielle idly plays with Xero's nipple rings, earning several low moans from her partner. After a particularly enthusiastic sound, the honey-haired woman replaces her hand with her mouth, causing her spouse to gasp in carnal delight. Xe's hands on her shoulders gently push the smaller woman further south, with no resistance.

Long minutes pass as the ex-hacker luxuriates in the sensations of her lover's mouth feasting eagerly, then Xero feels a strange tickling-pokey thing rattling her clit-ring. At the same time, Rielle mumbles something into the brunette's curly nether-locks. The reincarnated warrior raises herself up to investigate, and is shocked to see the small French toothpick flag from Rielle's sandwich lodged in her most intimate adornment.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?!?"

Rielle lifts her nectar-glazed face from her task and speaks in a funny, accented voice.

"I said 'I claim your center in the name of Fraaaaannnnce'."

Xero seethes at her spouse and with deliberate slowness, plucks the offending flag from her body and flicks it at Rielle's head.

Thus begins the Mother of All Tickle Fights, ending a long while later with Rielle bent over Xero's knee in one of the overstuffed armchairs. The taller woman leans over her helpless prey and whispers menacingly in her ear.

"Sooo, my clever little friend," Xe licks her captive's ear. "What shall your punishment be, Hmmm?" A nibble. The petite ex-syscop squirms and moans in anticipation as she racks her brain for a suitable answer.

"The Jimminey Crickett Bat™?" Asks Rielle.

"Noooo..."

"How about the Aristocat-O-Nine-Tails™?"

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no."

"Then the only thing left is.." Realization dawns and the honey-haired woman almost panics. "No!"

"Yes!" Xero replies with wicked glee. Rielle gulps and steadies herself.

"The Mickey Mouse Tough-Love Glove™?" Squeaks the not-so-brave-now reincarnated Amazon.

A low chuckle is her only answer as the warlord-in-a-past-life slides the giant, white leather, four-fingered punitive device on her right hand.

~SMACK!~yelp!~

"That's for planting the flag..." Xero chastises.

~SMACK!~yipe!~

"And that's for the bad accent..." The punisher stops to admire her rosy-red handiwork. "And this -"

~SMACK~yeeeow!~

"- is for stopping before I came!"

Xe leans over her wife's back to lick and nibble the firm pink cheeks. Rielle groans in a mixture of pain, pleasure, relief and frustration. There was probably some deep psychological reason why she loved a good spanking from her dark lover, but with Xero's breasts pressing into her back and tongue working its magic on her tingling rear, she really doesn't want to think about it right now. *Maybe Disney buying out Good Vibrations wasn't such a bad thing after all* is Rielle's only thought as she drifts into pure bliss.

Later....

"What on earth are you doing in there, Xe?"

"Patience, dear. Good things come to she who waits."

Rielle sighs and twirls the ties of her Little Red Riding Hood cloak in boredom. She wasn't sure why her Big Bad Wolf had disappeared into the bathroom for so long, and she hoped it would be worth the wait. The honey-haired woman sighs again and adjusts the red hooded cloak to cover a bit more of her nakedness.

"I'm losing the mood out here..." Ri warns her tardy lover. Just then the bathroom door swings open and The Big Bad Wolf makes his entrance arms akimbo, proudly displaying a large, pink, fully erect...

"Little Mermaid?" Rielle says skeptically eyeing the wolf's crotch. The Big Bad Wolf hangs his head in chagrin, and then removes it altogether. With her dark locks falling haphazardly across her face, Xero shuffles sulkily to join her disenchanted Little Red Riding Hood on the bed, the still invigorated Little Mermaid bouncing all the way. The pouty brunette plops down next to her scantily clad wife.

"Well, you said you didn't like the Fantasia Dancing Broomstick .." Xero mopes.

"The bristles tickled!" Rielle snaps back.

"You're telling me..."

A great haziness permeates the scene as both women are sucked into another dizzying flashback.

"Oh yeah! Who's your Big Bad Wolf?" Rielle's muffled voice emanates from the loose-fitting costume as she enthusiastically pumps into her prone partner. Little Red Riding Hood's cloak has been thrown up over her head, revealing her nude glistening body. Animalistic grunts fill the room as the wolf feverishly takes the girl from behind. Suddenly the wolf is knocked backwards as Little Red Riding Hood bucks violently.

"DAMN IT BORIAS! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" Xero bellows as she struggles to untangle herself from the cloak. A stunned Big Bad Wolf removes its head to reveal a concerned Rielle.

"Past life memories again, honey? You want to talk about it?" she asks.

At that moment, hotel security comes bursting through the door to the sight of a naked woman struggling with an inside-out red cloak, and a smaller woman in a headless wolf costume equipped with a quivering Fantasia Dancing Broomstick . A mouse-ear-wearing jackbooted guard says, "You two again?" as the scene dissolves back to the present.

"Yeah, they were really pissed of that time." Xero smirks. Rielle smiles and bats playfully at the Little Mermaid. The reincarnated warrior continues. "Wait til you see this, honey." Xe claps her hands twice to turn off the lights.

"Ooooh, pretty!" the ex-syscop coos as a warm pink glow emanates from the Little Mermaid. In the darkness, the sound of gleeful giggling follows a floating phosphorescent shape from the bed to the overstuffed chair.

"My what a big tongue you have..." Rielle affects a higher voice as she kneels on the chair arms over Xero's lap.

"All the better to eat you with, my dear." The Big Bad Wolf responds in a bass tone.

Furry paws with plastic claws grab Red's hips and lift the girl to hungry lips. The wolf then proceeds to demonstrate how years of brass playing in school really pay off. After a small piece of forever, Red is hovering at the edge of ecstasy, more than ready to be taken to the next level. With some minor adjustments, Red's legs are draped around the chair, straddling the pink, glowing toy. The Big Bad Wolf moves his hips to tease against the girl's wetness.

"My what a big *GASP* you have!" groans Little Red Riding Hood as the Little Mermaid slides home.

"All the better to-"

"UNGH!"

"-You with, my dear." Growls the wolf.

Liiiiggghht… Daaaaaarrrrrrkkkk… Liiiiggggghhhtt… Daaaaarrrrkkkkk.

"Oh God!"

Liiigghhttt… Daaarrrkkk… Liiggghhtt… Daarrrkk… Liigghhtt… Daarrkk!

"YES!"

Light Dark Light Dark Light Dark Light Dark Light Dark Light Dark

"Ride, Red, ride!"

Light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light- dark- light

"NOW, NOW NOW!"

DARK!

"Unnngggghhhh...."
"Unnngggghhhh "

The lovers collapse against each other, struggling for breath. Two more hand claps turn the lights back on. The Little Mermaid gently disengages, and Rielle shifts to sit sideways in Xero's lap.

"Mmmmm I think I'm still ahead of you." The exhausted strawberry blond purrs to her mate.

"Ya think?" Replies her beloved dreamily.

"So, should we do something about that?" Ri seductively trails her finger down Xe's neck. The taller woman grins, grabs the Pooh head from the floor and puts it on.

"How about another dip in the honey-pot, Tigger?" Suggests the blue-eyed, raven-haired, dusky, tall, muscular, reincarnated warrior, ex-hacker.

The emerald-eyed, honey-haired, fair, petite, nubile, reincarnated Amazon Queen, ex-syscop licks her lips pulls on a Tigger paw, wiggling the fingers suggestively.

Thus our two heroines embark on yet another lifetime of love and bliss in each others arms - The Happiest Place On Earth.

{Tiggers are cuddly fellows
Tiggers are awfully sweet

Everyone else if jealous
That's why I repeat

The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things

The tops are made out of rubber
their bottoms are made out of springs

They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
fun, fun, fun, fun, fun

But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is
I'm the only one! IIII'm the only one!}

 

THE END (WHEW!)

 

Thanks to Barron for Beta reading and extra silly suggestions above and beyond the call of duty and good taste ;-)! To Batsky and all my fellow bards of the Xenaverse, thanks for feeding my perverse brain.

Sing along now:

M-I-C

See you in the conveniently naturally occurring hot tub!

K-E-Y

Why? 'Cuz I just couldn't resist!

M-O-U-S-E

Good Night, Everybody!