Disclaimer: The Characters of Xena and Gabrielle belong to MCA/Universal and Ren Pics, no copyright infringement was intended. I've been told that Muffy was a character in "Xena Live", this character has nothing to do with that one, I'm not plagiarising, I actually thought it up before I knew she already existed.

Subtext Warning: Nothing graphic at all, not in the love department, but if you are underage, it is illegal, or you are offended, don't even bother.

Spew Factor Warning: Okay, it's a bit disgusting, if you had lamb's fry for breakfast, I wouldn't read. The author takes no responsibility for keyboards or any other items damaged through regurgitation.

Acknowledgments: This story was written on inspiration provided by a friend of mine, Stewart Finch, actor, fencing master, classical guitarist, and overall grey matter stimulating man. But mate, I’m damned if I’m going to try and find re-runs of such classic Australian TV as Number 96 and Prisoner. I can watch the latter at some ungodly hour of the morning anyway. Oh, and I guess I kind of got sucked in by Fawlty Towers, the Scarlet Pimpernel and Kam’s rat story. In addition, the inspiration for Nubilina came from Murphy and her love of nipples, she has a jar of them by her bed, I think it's sweet. An additional thanks to Kamouraskan, for giving this an edit, and also because I know she likes seeing her name in disclaimers.

Feedback: archaeobard@hotmail.com

Waiting for Muffy



The arrow curved its deadly arc through the tavern window and embedded itself with a thud beside Xena’s left forearm. She glanced casually at the shaft and curled her fingers around the goblet from which she was drinking. Raising the vessel to her lips, she took a sip.

"It’s true, Gabrielle, blood is thicker than water." She grimaced slightly.

"Xena, that’s the third arrow in a candle mark!" the bard hissed, reaching over the other side of the table to pull the offending arrow from the woodwork. She dumped the arrow beside the other two which lay beside her feet.

"I know." Xena took another sip from her goblet.

"Did you really have to hang him up-side-down and drain his blood so you could drink it?"

"I had an old score to settle, Gabrielle."

"By drinking his blood?"


Xena drained her goblet and reached for a bucket that sat beside her on the floor. She refilled her goblet and set it neatly back on the table.

"That’s disgusting." The bard mumbled as Xena swallowed yet more of the crimson elixir.

"Not as disgusting as what he did to me."

The bard looked down at the table. "I know, I know, he ate your prize rat."

"It wasn’t a rat, it was a hamster! And she won the Amphipolian ‘Best Furry Mammal Award’."

The bard looked stunned. "Xena, a hamster is a type of rodent."

The warrior thumped her goblet on the table, blood sloshed violently on the surface.

"Muffy was different." she growled.

"Muffy?" the bard raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

"I was five." Xena shrugged and concentrated on her beverage.

The bard sighed, "Well, there is someone out there who keeps taking pot shots at you. What are you going to do about it?"


"The arrows are getting closer."

"Then I’ll move. I am not leaving this tavern until I have consumed all of this blood."

"You’ll make yourself sick."

The warrior cast an evil glance at Gabrielle, "Do you know how much blood I have drunk in my life?" She leaned over the table, "I’m hardly going to be ill. Once I challenged a bacchae to a blood drinking contest. . . and won!"

"This is before I knew you, right?"

"Yes." More blood disappeared down the warrior’s gullet.

The bard nodded and leaned back in her chair as yet another arrow sailed through the window and slammed into the table.

"What state was the bacchae in?" the bard asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

Xena shrugged, "She died."

"Kidding me?"

The warrior shook her head and took a large swallow. "The pressure in her stomach was too great, she basically exploded." Xena made a broad gesture.


"Yeah, blood everywhere, took me candle marks to get the congealing clots out of my hair."

The bard made a face, imagining the glutinous globules that must have been clinging to Xena’s dark locks.

"How much blood did you drink?" Gabrielle leaned across the table, avoiding the arrow.

"About two and a half corpses worth each." The warrior said, nonplused.

"So, one corpse is not really a big deal then."

"Not at all."

"Great." The bard sat back with a loud sigh in her chair, suddenly bored with the notion that Xena was consuming the blood of the hamster slayer whilst arrows periodically thumped into their table.

"Now that’s interesting." The bard mumbled, her gaze falling on a small piece of parchment tied just below the fletch on the latest arrow.

"What is it?"

"There's a note." Gabrielle reached over and removed the parchment from the arrow. She cast a cursory eye over it before handing it to the warrior. Xena's back stiffened as she read the note.

Meet me at the stables.

It was signed only by a small reddish…nub.

"What are you going to do?" the bard asked.

"What do you think?"

"Finish your blood and go kill the arrow launcher?"

"Exactly." Xena drained her goblet and reached for a refill.


"Do not turn around." the voice seethed contempt through the dimness of the stables.

"The Scarlet Nipple!" Xena hissed as she stood stock still just inside the entrance to the stables.

"Why are you here?"

Xena rolled her eyes in the night, "The note?" she queried.

"Right…" a brief pause, "You realise I have to kill you for what you have done."

"I don't think so. If anyone is going to be dead, it's you!" Still Xena had not turned.

"You killed my brother!" the voice filled with anguish.

"He killed Muffy." the warrior spat.

"Do you know why?" the voice asked as Xena heard the Nipple take a few steps forward.

The warrior's lips curled up in a sneer, "Because he gained some sort of sordid pleasure from boiling Muffy alive in a vat of seasoned water and eating her slowly!"

A pause.

"I believe she was tasty."

"So was your brother's blood." Xena's voice could not have been any lower.

Another pause.

"No, my brother killed your precious rodent because she bit me." A shuddering breath was heard.

"A minor scratch, nothing more." the warrior tried to shrug it off.

"No!" the voice howled, growing stronger as the figure shuffled forward in the dark light. "She infected me!"

"That was called puberty." Xena fought the urge to turn, for she knew that one look upon the Scarlet Nipple would be her downfall.

"She infected me with the foulest disease known in all of Greece…Polythelia!"

"Funny, used to have a servant by that name…I guess now I know why." Xena was momentarily caught up in her musings.

"Muffy ruined me! She cursed me!" the voice was desperate.

"And how do you think I feel? Muffy was my friend."

"Only because everyone else was afraid of you. I tried Xena, I tried, but you let loose Muffy, and now…now, I am like this!!"

The figure thrust out a hand and latched on to Xena's shoulder, spinning the warrior around. Xena was struck by the hideous form before her. The face was distorted by hundreds of purple-red protuberances…nipples. A shaft of moonlight glittered against the filthy lumps, and as Xena watched, one split open to dribble a foul, bloody milk down the creature's cheek. A blood encrusted hand wiped angrily at the seeping fluid.

"See what you have done!" the voice whined.

An evil grin flickered across the warrior's lips. "You should never have provoked her."

"So you admit she was a disease carrying rat!" The figure grasped hold of Xena's leathers. The warrior broke the grip easily, sending the foul creation careening backwards.

"Muffy was no rat, and she had no disease."

The figure wasn't listening, rather mopping at the fluid leaking from its pustulous facial nipples.

The door to the stables creaked open. Xena flashed a gaze to the screeching opening and had time to shout a brief, "Gabrielle! No!", before the Scarlet Nipple had the small bard in its fetid grasp. The bard struggled as putrid liquid spurted against her flesh.

"You see," the Scarlet Nipple growled, "I have the other one now. First it was Muffy you loved, now it is her." He made a point of smearing a forefinger of white, bloody fluid down the side of the bard's cheek. Gabrielle cast frightened eyes to the warrior and swallowed against her rising gorge.

Xena licked her lips, "Let her go."

"Never! She's mine now. Mine." the Nipple howled, grinning stupidly as more deformed buds burst open.

"Gabrielle will never be yours." Xena spat, moving forward against her better judgement. The grotesque secretions were stench-like in the extreme. Nothing compared to the mixture of sour milk and the coppery scent of blood that swam in rivers from the Nipple and over Gabrielle's shoulder.

The Nipple was not listening to the warrior as it tilted Gabrielle's head and spoke lovingly, "Come now my sweet, feast of my bounty, take what I offer and you shall be free. Free of the evil warrior who slew my brother. You will meet your destiny, to propagate a race of Nipples in the guise of myself."

Gabrielle gagged as one of the putrid protrusions brushed against her lips. The Scarlet Nipple pushed more forcefully with its filth at the bard. At that point, Gabrielle could think of nothing better to do, so she grasped one of the cankerous nipples between her teeth and bit down hard, severing it from the Nipple's face.

The Scarlet Nipple screamed in agony as the bard spat the piece of flesh as far from her as she could, and tried to avoid the gush of liquid that followed in her chomping wake.


Meanwhile, in the darkest corner of the stable, Nubilina raised her head and sniffed the air. She caught a hint of nipple flesh and was instantly alert. The poor girl had been relegated to the stables due to her nipple fetish. She had worked previously as a bar girl, but was ostracised after it was discovered she was secretly stealing into people's rooms to relieve them of their nipples. The tavern owner had discovered a ceramic vessel full of varied nipples beside the wench's sleeping pallet.

Nubilina scrabbled blindly on the floor of the stable, seeking the discarded bud. Once it was clasped between her fingers, she sniffed at it, a smile spread across her face, and she popped it in her mouth, sucked for a moment and swallowed. Where there was one nipple, there was bound to be another.


Xena watched in horror as fetid fluid from the Nipple's severed nipple washed over the bard. She staggered forward in a desperate attempt to part the two figures. Despite her strength and stamina, the stench and slippery secretions hindered the warrior in her rescue. She tried in vain to inflict the 'pinch' on the horrid figure, however, the multitude of nipples prevented it from having any effect.

"Gabrielle!" Xena yelled as she grasped the Scarlet Nipple around the neck with both hands, "When its grip on you weakens, run."

The bard could do nothing but nod, as she was overcome by nausea at what she had done.

Xena tightened her grip on the rigid figure of the Nipple. Nothing was working. It appeared that the excess of nipples had somehow strengthened the Nipple's neck and even the warrior's vice-like grip was doing little damage.

"It's not working!" the warrior screamed, as the pressure she was creating caused more of the terrible buds to burst open, spraying her and the bard with more bloody milk.

Panting from exertion and straining her muscles to the very edge, Xena gritted her teeth and squeezed harder.

The bundle of rags came out of nowhere. It flew towards the struggling figures of the Nipple, Xena and Gabrielle. The warrior was knocked off balance as flailing arms brushed her aside as if she was a feather. Loud grunting and sucking noises erupted from the form, as it latched itself to the Scarlet Nipple's face.

The Nipple howled in pain and more bloody milk spurted in throbbing pulses in all directions. Trying to dislodge the rampant creature upon it, the Nipple dropped the bard to the ground. Gabrielle immediately scrabbled over to the warrior, where she lay, gasping for breath and trying to calm her wayward stomach.

The sounds emanating form the bundle of rags could only be described as animalistic, like a hyena tearing at a rotten corpse. The Scarlet Nipple sank to its knees as it was borne down by the vicious attack.

"Noooo!" it screamed, pushing at the attacker who would not be removed.

The Nipple struggled feebly as Gabrielle clung to Xena for support. Eventually, its efforts weakened until the ravenous figure of Nubilina was splayed on top of the nipple infested being. The girl feasted a few more moments before raising her blood and milk besmeared face. Clumps of congealed something lay mattered in her hair, and the occasional fragment of flesh dropped to the ground where it was quickly rescued and consumed. Nubilina grinned wickedly at the warrior and the bard. The two women could only look on in horror as Nubilina licked her lips in glee.

"Nipplessssss…" she croaked, ogling the bard's breasts with a lascivious eye.


The End.

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