THE XENA FILES
Xena and Gabrielle are owned by MCA. Mulder and Scully are owned by Fox. Tea Leoni owns
hereself as far as I know. No infringement is intended, Iım just amusing myself (and
hopefully you too). A small word of warning: if you donıt watch The X Files, you probably
wonıt get this skit, so skip it. Iım not going to explain it to you. : )
Comments - firstname.lastname@example.org
The scene is a seedy tavern in a not-so-nice part of town. Special Agent Dana Scully pulls up in her conspicuously unmarked car and steps out (looking businesslike and ravishing as always). She notices her partner, Special Agent Fox Mulder (looking boyish and rumpled as always), just outside the tavern door.
SCULLY: Mulder, this had better be good. Itıs after midnight.
MULDER (spitting a sunflower seed shell over her shoulder): Weıve had a sighting of a strange phenomenon, Scully. Some sort of Warrior Woman.
SCULLY (giving him the skeptical Scully look): Warrior Woman?
(He holds the door for her and they enter the tavern. A large biker dude is sitting on a barstool holding an ice pack to his head, under which Scully sees a semi-circular bruise. Another has his head tipped back with a blood-soaked cloth to his nose. There is a third man sprawled on the floor unconscious. Broken furniture and glass is strewn all over. Scully checks the pulse of the guy on the floor. Mulder flashes his badge at Ice Pack Man.)
MULDER: You wanna tell us what happened?
ICE PACK (looking angry and terrified at the same time): That bitch! We was minding our own business, shooting pool, having a few beers and all of a sudden that..that..whatever the hell it was..starts throwing punches! She whipped some round metal thing that went flying around the room and whacked me in the head! Iıll sue her ass!
MULDER (eyes lighting up): Round, metal flying thing?
SCULLY: A woman just walked in here and beat up all three of you?
BLOODY NOSE MAN: She hit really hard. And she had a sword.
MULDER: A sword?
SCULLY: And you were just minding your own business?
ICE PACK: Yeah, man. And she did this flipping around the room thing. She somersaulted right over the bar making this weird sound the whole time.
MULDER (slowly canvassing the room, noticing something setting on one of the tables): What kind of sound?
ICE PACK (crinkling his brow, almost like heıs thinking): It sounded sorta like Yiyiyiyiyiyiy!ı
SCULLY (rolling her eyes): Mulder, could I talk to you in private, please?
(They move to the corner, speaking in hushed tones)
SCULLY: Come on, Mulder. A warrior woman? With a sword and a warcry? You got me out of bed for this?
MULDER: Like you had anything better to do.
SCULLY: Speak for yourself.
MULDER: I am.
BLOODY NOSE (loudly, so the agents can hear him): She had an accomplice, too. A cute little blonde.
ICE PACK: Redhead.
BLOODY NOSE: Blonde.
ICE PACK: She was a redhead!
MULDER: Well, which is it?
ICE PACK: Depends on what season it is.
SCULLY (arching an eyebrow): And you guys were just minding your own business, right?
MULDER (holding up what looks like a rolled piece of parchment): What do you make of this? (He unrolls it, revealing some indecipherable scribbles)
SCULLY: Strange...I donıt recognize the language.
(Suddenly a strong wind blows in as the door opens. A very tall, dark, intimidating looking woman in leather and armor steps in. The two conscious men whimper and cringe. Scully raises an eyebrow at their behavior.)
XENA (holding out her hand): Iıll take that. It belongs to my friend. (She nods toward a smaller, strawberry blonde in a skirt and green sports bra standing slightly behind her.).
GABRIELLE: Hi. I left one of my scrolls here. Thanks for taking care of it. (She takes it from Mulder. He is fascinated by her.)
MULDER: You wrote this? Can you translate for me?
GABRIELLE (shrugs): Uh, okay, sure. (she moves to a table and unrolls the scroll)
(Xena has shot the biker dudes a Xena look and they are now cowering in the corner. Scully notices this and looks the warrior up and down.)
SCULLY: You seem to have quite an effect on them.
XENA: It happens.
SCULLY: (noticing the round metal object hanging from the womanıs waistband): Whatıs this?
SCULLY: Chakram. (she bends down and looks closer) This is roughly the same shape as the wound on that manıs head.
XENA: Mmmm. He should learn that itıs not polite to touch a lady uninvited.
SCULLY: He tried to touch you?
XENA: No. Her. (she nods in Gabrielleıs direction, then she narrows her eyes at Mulder, who is standing MUCH too close to Gabrielle, his hand on her shoulder) They always want to touch her.
SCULLY (following Xenaıs gaze): Oh, donıt worry about Mulder. Heıs harmless.
XENA (looking down at Scully): Really. Why?
SCULLY: Chris wonıt allow him any action.
XENA: Is this Chris his wife?
SCULLY (laughs): No. Chris invented us.
XENA: So Chris is a god.
SCULLY (rolling her eyes): He likes to think so.
Meanwhile, Gabrielle is trying desperately to politely get away from Mulder. She throws Xena a help meı look, but the warrior is deep in conversation with the redhead.
MULDER (enamored with the girl): And what does this symbol mean, Gabby?
GABRIELLE: Gabrielle, please. Only Joxer calls me Gabby.
MULDER (straightening): Joxer? Is he your husband?
GABRIELLE (eye wide with disgust): Oh, puh-lease! Yuck!
MULDER: Gabrielle, would you have dinner with me?
GABRIELLE (she was afraid of this): Oh, thatıs really nice of you, um, Fox right? Thatıs really nice of you, Fox, but Xena and I really must be on our...(Mulder suddenly falls to his knees)
MULDER: Please, please, please! You donıt understand! Iım so horny! Itıs been four years! Four years! Itıs not fair!
GABRIELLE (waving her arm): Um, Xena?
Xena and Scully notice the commotion.
SCULLY (dropping her head into her hand): Oh, for crying out loud.
XENA (arching an eyebrow): Whatıs with him?
SCULLY (admiring the eyebrow thing): Thatıs a great look, isnıt it?
XENA (smiles): The girls love it.
SCULLY: Tell me about it.
XENA: Is he crying?
SCULLY: Probably. He hasnıt had sex in four years. I guess thatıs a long time for a guy.
XENA: I suppose. What about you?
SCULLY: Me? Oh, I havenıt either. I did come really close with that tattoo guy, but thatıs only because I kept hearing Jodie Fosterıs voice. Anyway, they like me to be cool and bitchy. It adds to my allure. Just ask the nutballs on the Internet.
XENA (rolling *her* eyes): Donıt get me started...
GABRIELLE (she is slowly crossing the room, Mulder being dragged along the floor as he has wrapped his arms around her leg): Xena, can I get some help here?
SCULLY (noticing Xena drawing her sword from its scabbard): Mulder, please, youıre making a fool of yourself. Would you let go of her? Get up.
MULDER (sobbing): I gotta have sex, Scully. Iım going insane. UFOs, aliens, government conspiracies. Iım inventing all kinds of shit to keep myself occupied, but I CANıT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! (he collapses in a heap on the floor. Gabrielle moves beside Xena)
GABRIELLE: Iıve got my scroll. Can we get out of here?
SCULLY: Hey, do you guys mind if I tag along a little while? (casts a disgusted look at the blubbering Mulder and sighs) If he keeps this up, theyıre going to *make* me sleep with him.
SCULLY: The writers.
GABRIELLE: Canıt they just use subtext? Thatıs what they do with us.
GABRIELLE (unrolling her scroll): Uh huh. See? Thatıs what this is. Can you read it?
SCULLY (squinting and tilting her head in different directions): Nope.
GABRIELLE: Thatıs because youıre not looking for it. This is a scene from next weekıs episode. (throws Xena a loving glance) Itıs a love scene between Xena and I.
SCULLY (eyes wide): Really?
(Xena nods, draping an arm around Gabrielle)
GABRIELLE: See, if you donıt look for the subtext, you wonıt see it. You donıt have to see it. Weıve been lovers for quite some time, but only a certain percentage of the audience chooses to acknowledge that fact.
XENA: Itıs great for the ratings. Just ask Hercules. (Xena and Gabrielle giggle)
(They all head for the door)
SCULLY: Show me the subtext again.
GABRIELLE (on their way out the door): Okay. Here. This is the infamous hot tub scene.
SCULLY: I saw that episode. (she laughs) You were sitting on the soap.
(Xena and Gabrielle exchange a knowing glance)
(As they leave, Tea Leoni enters, orders a coke, casts a puzzled look at Mulder on the floor)
Return to The Bard's Corner
ok at Mulder on the floor)
Return to The Bard's Corner