***

I'm going to die.  In the Delta Quadrant.  Alone.

It's funny.  I never thought I wanted to get home.  Not until my death is a
fact.

No, not home.  The Alpha Quadrant isn't my home.  Voyager is.  In whatever
quadrant it happens to be in.

That means I didn't lose my home being stranded in the Delta Quadrant.  I
found it.

I don't want to leave my home.

I don't have to, you know.  I don't have to die.  But I want to.

Can a person want to die and want to live at the same time?

It has to be my Human side that doesn't want to die.  That's not fair.
Klingons embrace death, but they don't look for it.  Not usually.  They only
want to have an honorable death.

An honorable death.  That's why I'm going to die in the Delta Quadrant.  I
want to die before I'm dishonored.

Especially before I'm dishonored for something I didn't so.

I guess I should explain, shouldn't I?

Well, it all started when Voyager made contact with Starfleet through the
Hirogen communication array.

That's when my world fell apart.

I was happy with Voyager making contact.  It's what the crew needed.

It gave all of us hope.

Ir brought people happiness.

It brought people pain.

It almost killed me.

I know I wasn't the only one who got bad news.  Captain Janeway did too.  So
did Tom, though he doesn't know.

I didn't want him to be hurt because of his bastard of a father.

Yes, Tom.  B'Elanna Torres, the Klingon Bitch, being sensitive.

I can be sensitive.  When I want to be.

I didn't receive a letter.  Not directly.

Chakotay was sent a letter. From Sveta, one of the Maquis.

One of the only Maquis remaining.

She's in prison now, unless Starfleet decided to pardon her.  Or she died.

The rest are dead.  The Cardassians found an ally in the Gamma Quadrant that
supplied ships and weapons.

I... I didn't realize that Voyager was my home, then.  Or that this crew is
my family.

I just felt safe with them.  With myself.

The Maquis were my family.  And I lost them.

But they were still there, for me.

Until the array.  Until that letter.

Then I knew that there is no guarantee your family will be there.

It took me that long to learn it.  My father didn't manage it.  My mother.
Starfleet.  Being stranded.

I couldn't do what my mother raised me to do; take revenge.  I didn't even
know what the Gamma species aliens look like.

Not out on the Cardassian ally.

But I could take revenge on me.

Yes, you heard me right.  I'm taking revenge on myself.  I have to.

Only a coward would abandon her family so they could die.

I'm no coward.

I've never ran from death before.

I'm not going to start now.

I won't be dishonored living a life I have no right to live.

I have to be careful about it though.  Starfleet frowns on suicide.

So I won't make it look like suicide.

 I know, suicide is also a dishonor to Klingons.

But only if you don't have a good reason.  If you're not doing it to preserve
your honor, or that of your House.

I have a good reason.  I'm preserving the honor of my mother.

Assuming she still has any.

How is it possible to know you're going to die and not really feel anything
about it?

I don't feel sad.....happy....mad....

I don't feel.  Period.

Maybe when I'm dead I'll feel something.