Disclaimer: This story contains characters that are the property of Paramount/Viacom, the owners of Star Trek. No copyright infringement is intended. The story itself, however, is mine - such as it is - and may not be posted at any website without my permission.

This is a sequel of sorts to the DS9 episode "Rejoined", and therefore revolves around a tender, though not explicit, love relationship between two women. I wrote it shortly after viewing that episode because I felt there was more to be said about what happened between Dax and Lenara. Obviously, with Jadzia's death at the end of last season, it has now become a "what might have been" story. Although this story doesn't necessary rule out her marriage to Worf, there is no reference to it here.

by

Scout

Kadmad@inwave.com

"I would forget her; but a fever she

Reigns in my blood and will remember'd be."

Dax sat at her console, punching numbers into the density influx calibrator. The research grant had been extended, due in part to her reputation and persuasive abilities - both considerable - and the advanced graviton pulse flow project was again in full swing. Her three graduate students, the top in their class, had worked tirelessly for the last six months and the seemingly endless days of testing and re-testing were finally reaping the hoped for results. The excitement in the lab was palpable.

"Jontah, increase power into the setup relay by oh five eight two," Dax said, making one final shift of the controls and studying the readout. "By my calculations, that should correct the drift we've been seeing."

"Power increased and readings are stable," he replied steadily. Jontah was Dax's best student and this was his final graduate research project. In a few short weeks, he would be given his first assignment as a Starfleet officer. Dax looked over at him, smiling proudly.

"All right, that's fine. Let's complete this sequence and then take a break. I don't know about the rest of you, but my eyes are starting to cross." Laughter spread across the room as everyone nodded in agreement.

One of the department assistants poked her head through the door. "Sir, there's a subspace message coming in for you - on oh-seven."

Oh-seven? That's odd, Dax thought. Oh-seven was her personal priority channel and she rarely received anything over it at the lab.

"Thanks. I'll take it in my office." Dax walked into the adjoining room and switched on the monitor. Within seconds a face flickered onto the screen. She stared at it for a moment, a small intake of breath the only thing betraying her astonishment.

"Hello, Dax."

"Bejal? By all the sacred guardians, this is quite a surprise." She leaned back slightly in her chair and smiled. "But it's good to see you. Are you well?"

"Yes, I am quite well, thank you. It's been a long time."

"A very long time." Dax paused for a beat, a furrow forming on her brow. "It's Lenara, isn't it? Something's wrong." She felt a sudden rush of adrenaline shoot through her body, making her heart pound.

"We took her to the Zanoah Complex this morning. It doesn't look good." It was then that Dax noticed how drawn his face appeared

"What is it?" she asked.

"What it always is," he replied wearily. "Her heart."

"What's happened?"

"Well, you know she's always had certain bad spells. We were told to expect that. Thankfully they've been few and far between. But over the past year or so, the episodes have been more frequent and much more severe. She had one last night that was particularly bad. None of her medications helped. It was her decision to go in. You know how stubborn she is, so when she called me early this morning, I knew it must be serious."

Dax nodded.

"The doctors don't seem to think there's much they can do at this point. I think it's time for you to be here. Can you come?"

"Yes...yes, of course," Dax replied, "I'll take the next transport. There's one going out yet today, I think."

As she was speaking, she turned slightly and pulled up the Trill transport schedule on the auxiliary screen. "There's a cruiser leaving for Trill in about three hours. I'll be on it. Is she still at the Complex?"

"She is right now but according to her doctor, we'll be able to take her home in a few hours. Let me give you the coordinates." He keyed in the directions.

"I'll meet you there, then. Just tell Lenara...tell her that I'll see her soon."

"Thank you, Dax." He gave her a feeble smile and faded from the monitor. With a few quick movements on the computer console, Dax reserved a seat on the transport and put in a page to the chair of the astrophysics department. She noticed that her hands were shaking slightly and she willed herself to be steady. Dr. Carlyle's face soon appeared on the screen.

"Claire, I'm glad I caught you in. Listen, something's come up and I have to leave for Trill this afternoon. I'm not sure when I'll be back."

"Not bad news, I hope."

"Just a...a personal matter. It's not the best time for the students, though, I'm afraid. They're at a critical point in the project right now. Thank goodness I've been keeping Dr. Rov up-to-date with our progress. He should be able to keep them on track until they complete the work. Contact him for me, will you, and make all the arrangements."

"Don't worry, Jadzia. I'll put in a call to Rov and get him to come in. Just do what you need to do and we'll carry on here."

"Thanks. I'll be in touch."

Almost before she realized it, Dax was buckled into her seat on the interstellar cruiser and staring into open space. It's not as if I've never made this trip before, she reminded herself, trying once again to suppress the nervous quiver in her stomach. Since her retirement from active duty, she often traveled to Trill - and various other parts of the quadrant as well, for that matter. Her wealth of knowledge and experience - and gray hairs, she thought with a touch of amusement - put her in constant demand as a lecturer and consultant, so it wasn't at all unusual to find her traipsing off somewhere. Pretty good for an old woman.

But this trip was different and she knew it. This time she would see Lenara - the Lenara that floated gently just below the surface of her subconscious, the Lenara of so many of her dreams. It had been nearly fifty years since she'd last seen Lenara's face, but almost without effort, a radiant smile and clear, blue eyes crystallized in Dax's mind. She settled back in her seat and finally gave herself permission to get lost in the memories she had held in check for so very long.

* * *

Gods, she was tired. That's what comes from spending sixteen hours stooped over a computer panel, she mused as she propped her long legs on the table across from the sofa and warmed her hands on the steaming mug of ladok. I bet Nerys is cursing the day she ever heard of upgrades. That last thought brought just the hint of a smile to her lips. Letting her head drop back slightly, she felt stiff muscles begin to loosen and the constant hum of the central computer bay finally fade from her ears.

"Computer, open personal log, stardate..." she paused, trying to remember.

"Cannot comply with request as stated," the automated voice answered serenely. "Please supply additional information."

Dax gave a frustrated snort. "Okay, um, search entries for key words 'Jem'Hadar' and 'U.S.S. Defiant' in combination, beginning stardate..." she paused again and sighed, "49195.5."

"Opening event log of stardate 49263.5. Personal log entry made stardate 49362.3."

"That's it. Begin playback."

As she listened to the recorded account of the Defiant's last encounter with the Jem'Hadar, she again wondered why her thoughts so often went back to this particular incident. It had been a bloody confrontation and several members of the crew had been killed during the attack. She, herself, had narrowly escaped death when she'd been trapped in a corridor flooded with fluorine. Julian, risking his own life, had pulled her to safety into a nearby turbolift. This was the scene that kept replaying in her mind, though she had no idea why. It had something to do with her feelings for Julian, that much she did know. Was she so astonished at his bravery? She knew he would never leave behind a wounded crew member, no matter who it was. But ever since then, she had started to look at him in a completely new way - one that she found extremely disconcerting. She heard her own voice narrating...

Of course he was Doctor Julian Bashir, chief medical officer on Deep Space Nine. Part of that attentiveness, she knew, was the general concern he felt for the health and well-being of all the station's residents. She also knew, however, that there was always something more to it when it involved her. Ever since they'd first been introduced, he had never missed an opportunity to impress her with some aspect of his skill and intelligence, whether it was his brilliance in multi-species medicine or his prowess at darts. She saw right through his tactics, of course, but she never minded playing along. It was a harmless diversion for both of them and was, she had always supposed, all part of the unique makeup of their relationship. He was a good friend, after all, and in many ways his friendship was the very reason she was beginning to emerge from the indefinable sadness that had enveloped her over the past eight months. She leaned back on the sofa, resting her chin on her hand. Julian. Could it be possible that she was fall...

The door chime abruptly tore into her unfinished thought. "Yes?" she squeaked, clearing her throat. The door hissed open and Ben Sisko appeared, hands regimently clasped behind his back. He leaned in but waited for an invitation before entering.

"Computer, end playback. Benjamin, come in. By all means, come in." She swung her legs from the table and stood up, hoping her face wasn't as flushed as it felt.

He walked hesitantly into the room. "Sorry for disturbing you. I know it's late."

"No, no, just going over some past log entries. Would you like some ladok? I've been working on the recipe and I think I've just about got it perfected." He'd often told her how much he enjoyed the traditional Trill beverage.

"That sounds good."

She walked over to the replicator. "Ladok, Dax recipe five, hot." She glanced at him as he stood there uneasily, watching her in silence. "For heaven's sake, Benjamin, have a seat. Why do I get the idea this isn't a social call? Are we under attack? Has the Federation disbanded? Wait, I know. Quark's rigged the dabo table again, hasn't he?" She grinned as she handed him the rich, dark drink and sat on the edge of the sofa.

Sisko gave in to a tiny smile and seemed to relax a little, lowering himself into the chair next to her.

"Nothing quite that terrible. But I do have some important news and I thought you'd want to know about it right away." The furrow returned to his brow.

Dax looked at him questioningly as he drew a deep breath and continued.

"Several days ago, I received a communication from the Trill Science Ministry requesting that...," he paused for a split second, "...that Dr. Lenara Kahn and her team be given use of the Defiant again to continue field work on artificial wormholes. I decided yesterday to approve it and have just received confirmation from Dr. Kahn. Dax, it's a little against my better judgement, but even you know how much was accomplished during the first field trials and apparently, after evaluating the data from her previous tests, Dr. Kahn's been able to..."

Sisko continued in his clipped, straight-to-the-point manner, but the only words Dax heard were Lenara Kahn and they hit her like a punch to the stomach. She felt her face getting hot and her breathing accelerate. Lenara Kahn, who had once been her wife many lifetimes ago, when Dax had been hosted by a man named Torias and the Kahn symbiont lived inside a woman named Nelani. Lenara Kahn, who had come back into her life, and her heart, eight months ago and had left again, just as abruptly. Dax had spent the last eight months trying desperately to push that name from her very consciousness and hearing it from the lips of her friend unexpectedly, almost violently, brought a surge of emotion that knocked her completely off balance. She suddenly realized that Benjamin had stopped talking and was carefully removing the mug from her shaking hands.

"Easy, old man", he said softly. "I..."

"Lenara is coming here?" she interrupted, the agitation in her voice increasing by notches. "I, I don't think I can do this. I can't do this. I cannot do this again".

Sisko put a hand on his old friend's arm. "You won't have to do anything, except maybe take that trip to Risa that you've been talking about for so long." He studied her carefully. "And Dax, this time I will not take no for an answer."

Dax slid down onto the sofa, forcing herself to breathe slowly, to regain control of her thoughts. She'd been so cocky and sure of herself eight months ago, the last time she and Benjamin had had this discussion. This time she knew better. "Risa. Yes, I'll go to Risa."

"Good." His voice sounded relieved.

"When is she coming?" she asked, her brain clicking forward to the project she was working on with Kira. "I mean, I can't leave here for at least another five days or so. Kira and I have just started to reconfigure the main computer panels. We only got through the first one today and the other five will take just as long, if not longer. You know how important this project is, how long we've waited to get these upgrades - we can't just postpone it so I can take a trip to Risa."

Sisko rubbed his chin. "You're right, we can't. But right now I'm more concerned about you." He let out a sigh and met her gaze. "The team isn't due for another four days. I've got them quartered on the opposite side of the ring from yours. Worf is going to command the Defiant again and Chief O'Brien has assured me that he and his staff can provide all the engineering and scientific support they should need. If you can steer clear of Engineering and any of the public areas for those couple of overlapping days, you shouldn't even accidentally run into any of them." He hoped this hadn't sounded as well planned-out as it actually was.

"Well," Dax almost smiled, "you seem to have thought of everything. Thanks."

* * *

Upgrading the six main computer panels proved to be a lot more complex than Dax had originally thought. Of course, she'd known it wouldn't be easy since the entire station was one big Cardassian version of Murphy's Law, as she'd heard Chief O'Brien say on more occasions than she could remember. Everything that could go wrong did, and to the worse degree possible. Changes made to one sub-routine affected another one, and that affected another one and so on and so on, it seemed to Dax, into infinity. And for that very fact, she was extremely grateful. Each day, the project took every ounce of brain power she had so that by the time she staggered back to her quarters at night she was too exhausted to do anything more than fall into a heavy, dreamless sleep. And so, it was with great surprise that she found herself at the end of five grueling days, putting the finishing touches on the final modification. She gave Kira a weary grin and was rewarded with one in return.

When Benjamin came in to congratulate his two senior officers on their accomplishment, Dax asked him if the Trill science team had arrived yet. She had attempted a casual tone, but failed miserably as the words caught in her throat. He nodded slightly, his hand reaching out to grip her arm.

"When do you leave for Risa?" he asked gently.

"There's a transport going out tomorrow at thirteen-hundred hours," she replied, cursing the unsteadiness of her voice. Kira, who had been standing at the console nearby, suddenly came over and slipped her arms around Jadzia's waist.

"We'll miss you, you know," Kira said, looking intently at her friend and giving her a squeeze.

"I know. Me, too." Dax gave her a quick hug and bolted from the room.

* * *

Dax arrived at the transport dock half an hour before departure. With the practiced familiarity of a frequent traveler, she stowed her bags and took her seat. Moments later, though, she was up, checking and rechecking her bags, nervously pacing up and down the aisle, much to the annoyance of the other passengers trying to find their seats. Finally, she fell into her seat again, determined this time to win over her own restless anxiety. It was then that she felt a strong hand close around her shoulder. She looked up into Benjamin's warm, brown eyes. He knelt down beside her and leaned close to her ear.

"Lenara collapsed this morning in Engineering and was taken to the infirmary," he whispered.

She turned to face him, wide-eyed.

"At first, Julian thought it was just weakness from overwork and the flu symptoms she had complained about earlier. But now he thinks it may be something much more serious and has recommended she be transported back to Trill as soon as possible. She's asking to see you, Dax. I told her you were leaving today on furlough and I wasn't sure if I could reach you in time."

He stared at her long and hard.

"It's up to you. I can just as easily go back and tell her your transport had already left."

Without a word, Dax jumped out of her seat and headed down the aisle at a dead run. Sisko grabbed her bags and followed her off the transport. Minutes later, she burst through the infirmary doors, her heart pounding so hard she felt it might explode out of her chest. She caught sight of Bejal, Lenara's younger brother, and their colleague Dr. Pren and stopped short. She had seen concern on their faces before, but nothing like this. She walked slowly over to the bio-bed where Lenara was lying.

"Lenara," she said softly, taking her hand. "Lenara, it's Dax. I'm here." She looked down at the pale, sweet face in front of her. Without warning, all of the tenderness, warmth and affection for Lenara that she'd tried so diligently to repress over the last eight months came flooding back into every corner of her being. Suddenly it didn't matter that she wasn't suppose to care for her, that Trills who were connected in past lives weren't suppose to reassociate. It didn't matter what Bejal or Dr. Pren might think. Nothing mattered except the love and concern she felt for this woman.

Lenara's eyes flickered open for a moment and she made an ineffectual attempt to squeeze the hand that was clutching hers. Then her eyes closed and her hand went limp.

"Julian!" Jadzia looked desperately at her friend who was standing nearby. He walked quickly around the bed and, taking Dax by the arm, led her aside.

"It's all right. It's all right," he soothed.

"No, it's not all right," she cried hoarsely, pulling her arm away and regretting it the moment she did so. "I'm sorry, Julian, I...I didn't mean..." Her voiced cracked and her eyes filled with tears.

"I know. It's okay."

"But what's wrong with her?"

"I'm not sure," he said truthfully. "I've never seen anything quite like this. We're having the devil of a time keeping her stabilized. Her breathing is shallow, her heart is erratic, and yet I can't seem to find anything physically wrong that could be causing it." He hated the fact that his words would do nothing to dispel the anxiety he saw in her eyes.

"If I were to make a guess, and I emphasize that it would be merely a guess, I would say that her symbiont is very ill, possibly dying, implausible as that may sound."

"That's ridiculous," Jadzia cried. "That can't be right. It...can't be. Symbionts live for hundreds of years. I know for a fact that the Kahn symbiont is less than three hundred years old. Dax is older than that."

"I know, I know," he replied, gesturing helplessly. "It is only a guess, a gut feeling really. I can't substantiate it. Even with the information I have on Trill physiology, this one has me completely baffled. That's why I feel we need to get her back to her homeworld as soon as possible. Their facilities are much more dedicated to this type of thing, and you can see for yourself how serious this has become in a relatively short period of time. The Vasco departs at eighteen-hundred hours and its first scheduled stop is Trill. I've already made arrangements."

A low moan came from the figure on the bio-bed.

Dax looked quickly at Lenara and then back to Julian, her mind suddenly snapping to attention.

"We don't have to wait for a transport," she said matter-of-factly, suddenly knowing what to do and how to do it. "We can use one of the runabouts. Find out which one's available. I'll let the others know."

Julian nodded, annoyed for not thinking of it himself. Sisko was in complete agreement and within an hour, Lenara was settled on board the Rubicon. Julian, Bejal and Dr. Pren had already made their way onto the runabout, but Jadzia hesitated at the ship's entrance, searching Sisko's face for some kind of sanction. She dropped her gaze.

"This isn't quite the trip I packed my bags for, but right or wrong, this is the trip I have to make."

"I know you do, old man, I know you do." He lifted her chin with his finger and gave her look of complete understanding. "If it were me, I'd be doing exactly the same thing." She hugged him tightly, threw her bag over her shoulder and stepped through the hatch.

* * *

It was an extremely difficult trip for Lenara and she did not do well. She was conscious much of the time and in tremendous pain and distress. Julian gave her the highest dose of pain-killers he felt comfortable with but was reluctant to administer anything stronger, not fully knowing what kind of reaction the drugs might produce.

For Dax, the trip was agonizing. She was overwhelmed with a feeling of helplessness and, although physically spent, refused to leave Lenara's side. Bejal, clearly offended by Dax's presence, could barely be civil to her. This, coupled with his own deep concern, created an atmosphere of emotional tension within the confines of the small ship that was almost unbearable.

The primary sun was just breaking over the horizon when the runabout landed in the capital city of Trill. A medical transporter team was waiting at the dock and Lenara was beamed directly to the Zanoah Complex, a facility recognized throughout the quadrant for its research on symbiont physiology. Prior to arrival, Julian had relayed all tricorder data to Dr. Rieko Abidon, head of the center's internal medicine department. He would be the first Trill physician to examine Lenara and Dax found herself pinning a good portion of her hopes on him.

When Dax and Julian arrived at the complex, they were directed into a large, circular waiting area where they were to meet Dr. Abidon. Dax noticed that Bejal and Dr. Pren had come in before them, each making their way to a public communication panel on the other side of the room.

"I'm going to find us something hot to drink," Julian said, dropping his bag by a group of chairs. "You should eat, too, you know." He put on his best doctor-to-patient face, but even he knew enough not to press the issue.

She shook her head. "I'm not a bit hungry, but something to drink does sound good."

"Great. Be right back."

Dax slumped down into the nearest chair. Her head was pounding and every muscle ached. Closing her eyes, she tried to consciously relax each part of her body until she felt some of the tension drain away.

A few minutes later, Julian returned with a steaming cup of ladok. It wasn't exactly her recipe, but it was warm and unexpectedly comforting.

"Dr. Abidon will be out shortly. I just passed his office and introduced myself. He's going to call in a couple of specialists, but he did say he wasn't overly concerned."

Dax looked at him incredulously. "Julian, when you talk to the family and friends of your patients, do you ever say you're overly concerned?"

"No. Not to family and friends," he said gently, shaking his head. "But to my medical colleagues I do share my honest opinions and I think Dr. Abidon was sharing his with me. He seems extremely...ah, here he is."

At that moment, Dr. Abidon entered the lobby and walked over to Julian and Dax, motioning at the same time for Bejal and Dr. Pren to join them.

"Good, I'm glad you're all here. Let's sit down," he said, pointing to the other chairs nearby. "Although it isn't much yet, I will tell you what I know so far." Dr. Abidon was a small, solid man with keen eyes, a gray fringe around his otherwise bald head and a credible, forthright manner which Dax trusted immediately.

"Dr. Kahn, as you know, is a very sick woman. We've run several initial tests on her which have revealed an irregularity in the physiological balance between the host body and the symbiont." He paused. "This in itself is not so unusual. Commander Dax, you, and Dr. Pren as well, as joined Trills, have probably experienced occasional sudden lethargy, sometimes accompanied by irregular heartbeat. It lasts for a moment or two and then you're fine."

Dax nodded. She knew the feeling well.

"This is caused by a shifting, if you will, of the symbiont inside the body of the host. Neural connections are temporarily disrupted and must then realign, and for the short time that it takes, the body tries to overcompensate. In Dr. Kahn's case, however, realignment is not taking place to the degree it needs to in order for all connections to be reestablished. It's causing a great deal of stress to her system, her heart in particular, and that's what I'm most concerned about at this time. I've started her on a cardiac regulator and administered a neural stabilizer to the symbiont, which has relieved some of the stress and certainly made her more comfortable for the present. But, in order to treat the problem and not just the symptoms, we need a definite diagnosis, and for that I have called in Dr. Etham Carsia, director of the Neurobiologic Research division and Dr.Yannah Halar, chief of symbiotic surgery. Both are leaders in their particular fields and I believe their expertise will be extremely valuable. They will begin their evaluation of Dr. Kahn later this afternoon."

He crossed his arms and sat back. "Now, are there any questions?"

"When can I see her?" Bejal asked quickly.

"Right away, if you'd like. You all can. But I'd prefer if it were only one at a time and for no more than a few minutes. It's important right now that Dr. Kahn rest as much as possible. I'll show you to her room. You may leave your bags at the main desk. Dr. Bashir, if you have time later, I'd like to see you briefly in my office."

"Certainly," Julian replied as he grabbed his and Jadzia's bags and took them over to the reception area.

They followed Dr. Abidon down a long, wide hallway. In the last room on the right, Lenara was propped up in bed, looking better than she had since this all began. Bejal and Dr. Pren went in with Dr. Abidon, while Julian and Dax remained outside. Several minutes later Dr. Pren emerged and walked over to them.

"I've got to go to the Ministry and let them know of Lenara's condition. Dr. Bashir, thank you for all you've done. Things might have gone much worse without your assistance. And Commander Dax, it was good to see you again." He extended his hand to her with a look of sudden kindness.

"Thank you, Dr. Pren," Dax replied, taking his hand in both of hers.

Dr. Abidon stepped into the hallway. "Do you have a minute now, Dr. Bashir? Just some paperwork to fill out. Release forms and such. It shouldn't take long."

"Of course," Julian replied. He then turned to Dax and took her by the arm. "Will you be okay?"

"I'll be fine. Really. Go on."

"All right. Then I'll meet you in the lobby. Give my best to Lenara."

Dax nodded and watched him disappear down the hallway. As she leaned against the corridor wall, she could hear Lenara and Bejal talking in low tones. Catching the sound of Lenara's laughter, weak but immensely encouraging, Dax closed her eyes and smiled. It was a good sign and the most hopeful thing she'd heard in a long time. But even as her heart began to expand, there was another emotion rumbling around in her chest. An uneasiness, an odd disconnection, making her feel suddenly out of place. With almost physical force, the thought struck her that here she was, standing outside of Lenara Kahn's hospital room on Trill. Trill. Her homeworld, Lenara's home. The very place where the penalty for reassociation could be enforced swiftly and without exception. Her heart began to pound. Everything had happened so fast, she hadn't even taken the time to consider the consequences of their being here together. Her first and only thought had been to get Lenara the help she needed. Dax bit her lip. Was it, though? Was that the only thought? Lenara was certainly in the best place she could be, so why was Dax still hanging around? It was time to be honest. What did she expect now? That she'd be able to stay with Lenara, to nurse her back to health, to suddenly be allowed to make a life together? It was obvious that Bejal didn't want her here. Did Lenara? Was Dax an embarrassment to her, or worse yet, a danger?

Dax heard Lenara's laugh again and felt her jaw clench. Lenara was obviously in good hands. This was her home. She had people here who loved her and cared about her. Dax knew that Julian would soon be waiting for her in the lobby. It was time to do the right thing, to get back on the Rubicon, return to life as she knew it on Deep Space Nine and begin the task of forgetting once more. An ironic laugh echoed through her head at the thought of the painful, not always successful, effort she had made to put Lenara out of her mind and heart. She might have indulged in her thoughts a little more during those long, lonely months had she known she'd have to go through the whole wretched process again so soon.

Dax was halfway to the lobby when she heard her name called out from behind her. She spun around and saw Bejal standing in the doorway. He looked at her questioningly and took a few steps into the hall.

"My sister would like to see you," he said, "that is unless you have somewhere else you need to be." He was trying very hard to be polite.

She stared at him, barely breathing, unable to move.

It was decision time and Jadzia knew that whatever she did next - go or stay - would forever alter her life and the lives that Dax had yet to become. With detached clarity, Curzon, Emony, Lela - all of Dax's past hosts - flashed through her mind, waiting, watching. Jadzia knew that if just one of them had done anything to prematurely end the life of the symbiont, she would never have known what it was like to share Dax's unique memories. The thought was unbearable and yet here she was, standing on the brink of a decision that could change, possibly destroy, everything she believed in and held dear - the complete sacredness of the life of the symbiont. But in the deepest part of her heart there was one other thing she held just as dear. Lenara. And beyond all her good intentions, her earnest resolve, there was something else at work in her, something stronger and more fundamental than anything she had ever experienced.

"Commander?"

In one crucial instant, she felt herself being utterly conquered by the love she held for Lenara Kahn - by the indefinable bond that ties two people together, even through lifetimes of separation. She smiled slightly at the sudden revelation that not every question could be answered by rational, scientific analysis. For questions of the heart, she now understood, only the heart could answer.

"No," she said softly, walking past him into Lenara's room. "There is nowhere else I need to be."

* * *

The room was filled with the sterile, impersonal clutter of medical monitors and scanning devices, but Jadzia felt a warm glow the moment she saw Lenara's face. Much of her color had returned and her blond hair was draped loosely around her shoulders. Her eyes lit up at the sight of Jadzia. Dax was quickly at her side, taking her outstretched hand and laying it gently against her cheek as she sat on the edge of the bed. For what seemed like a long time, they gazed intently at each other. At length, Jadzia kissed Lenara's hand and, still keeping it in her grasp, leaned back.

"You're looking better. I was very concerned about you." She absentmindedly brushed a strand of Lenara's hair back behind her ear.

"I'm feeling better," she replied, squeezing Dax's hand. "I'd been having some problems with dizziness and nausea, even before I came to the station. I thought it might be a touch of the Ruvian flu - it had been going around at the Ministry. But then everything suddenly got so much worse. I still don't know exactly what's wrong, but I suppose that's why there are more tests to be run and specialists to see."

"That seems to be the next step," Dax replied.

"Well, this certainly isn't what we planned, is it? I mean, I was only trying to prove my new artificial wormhole theories, and you were only trying to take a trip to Risa." Lenara smiled weakly at the attempted jest and then, sinking back a little on the pillow, she closed her eyes and shook her head.

"No, that's not exactly true," she continued. "I went to Deep Space Nine for the experiments, yes, but I was hoping to see you, too. I'm afraid I didn't quite figure out how to discreetly go about it, though. Captain Sisko maintained a very effective plan to keep us apart." She opened her eyes and looked at Dax. "Although, for all I know, you may have been the instigator behind that plan. We didn't exactly end on a positive note as you remember."

Jadzia could feel her face begin to flush. "I remember," she replied simply. There was an awkward moment of silence. Dax took a deep breath and tried to maintain an even tone to her voice. "You know, there are so many things we need to talk about, but Dr. Abidon has given us all strict instructions not to wear you out, so I think it might be better if you got some rest now."

"Well, you were always good at telling me what to do and when to do it," Lenara replied, taking Dax's hand in both of hers. "All right, I'll rest. We can talk later."

At that moment, Dr. Abidon walked into the room followed by an attendant.

"Dr. Kahn, I'm going to give you a mild sedative that will help you sleep." He turned to Dax. "I've just left Dr. Bashir in the main lobby where, I believe, he is waiting for you." His voice was kind but authoritative and left no room for misinterpretation.

"Well, it looks like I've just received my walking papers," Dax said with a sheepish smile. She kissed Lenara's hand again and stood to leave as the attendant administered the hypospray. "I'll see you soon." When she got to the door, she stopped and looked back. In that short span of time, Lenara's eyes had closed, her arms limp at her sides.

Julian jumped up from his chair when he saw Jadzia enter the lobby and walked over to meet her. He could tell by the dark circles under her eyes that she was exhausted and wished very much that he could order her to eat something and go to bed, but he knew just exactly how futile that would be. Instead, he held out his arms and she marched wearily into them, resting her head against his. They stood this way for a moment until he led her to a sofa, lowered her gently and sat down beside her. She took his arm and leaned against him.

"Thank you for being here. Thank you for being my friend." She said it so softly he could barely hear her.

"How is Lenara? And, how are you?" He turned toward her slightly, his cheek brushing her hair.

"She seems to be improving. Dr. Abidon gave her a sedative. She was asleep before I left."

"And you?" he persisted.

"I feel better now that I know that Lenara's okay." She sat up and looked at Julian carefully, not certain how he would react to her next words. "I'm going to stay here - on Trill - for a little while. I have to, Julian. I can't explain it."

"You don't have to." Julian laid a hand on her shoulder and met her gaze. "I think I knew it all along. And just to prove it," he dug in his pocket, pulling out a small, thin keycard and handing it to her, "I've made arrangements for you to have a room here at the complex. They have a guesthouse specifically for family and friends of patients. Dr. Abidon told me about it."

She gave him a surprised look as she took the card, the hint of tears showing in her eyes.

"Come on," he said, standing and pulling her up along side of him. "I'll show you where it is. I've already had your bags sent to the room, so you're all set." She impulsively kissed his cheek, which brought a smile to his lips.

"After you," he said with a little bow, tipping an imaginary cap. "Your palace awaits."

* * *

A bell was ringing somewhere in the distance. She looked down the long, straight hallway before her and took a step. The floor crumbled beneath her feet. She jumped back just in time. The bell sounded again, this time behind her. She turned to look. Another hallway - just as long, just as straight. This is important, she thought, I've got to make it to the end, but even as she took a step, the floor fell away and suddenly she found herself perched on a tiny island, surrounded by a cold, dark void. Her heart began to pound as panic and anxiety seeped into every part of her being. And, still, incessantly, the bell...

She opened her eyes with a start and sat up. She was covered with perspiration. Nothing felt familiar. The door chimed again and she heard a muffled voice coming from outside.

"Jadzia? It's Julian. Are you in there?"

" Julian?" she croaked hoarsely, running her hands over her face. "Come in."

The door hissed open and Julian walked in slowly, trying not to stumble in the darkened room. "Computer, lights on lowest level."

Dax looked up at him, squinting. "What time is it? I feel like I've been drugged."

"It's almost fifteen-hundred, and that's a common sensation when the body has been sleep deprived." Julian was in his doctor mode. He had just been conferring with Dr. Abidon. "I thought you'd want to know, Dr. Carsia and Dr. Halar have been in with Lenara for over an hour. They've run a number of tests already and should have a preliminary diagnosis sometime early tomorrow."

"Why didn't you come and get me sooner? You know I would have wanted to be there." She tried to sound upset, but was still struggling to clear the fog from her head.

"I know, but as your friend, and your doctor, my first concern is for your well-being, and you - needed - sleep," he said, stressing each word. "There was nothing you could do but wait, anyway, and the best place for you to do that was right there in that bed." He punctuated the last three words with his finger, just to make his point.

"Okay, Doctor Bashir, I get the idea." She sat on the edge of the bed and stretched long and hard until every muscle, joint and ligament was satisfied. "But, when can I see her? And I want to talk to the doctors, too."

"You can see her in a little while, if you like. Bejal and Lenara's mother are in with her right now. Dr. Carsia and Dr. Halar will be available after the test results are in tomorrow and are planning to discuss the case with everyone at that time."

Jadzia sat thinking for a moment. "Her mother is here?" The sudden thought of meeting Lenara's mother made Dax's stomach jump slightly.

Julian nodded.

"What's she like?"

"She's a very concerned mother, and seems to be a very nice woman," Julian replied distractedly. "Listen, I have a great idea. Why don't you freshen up a bit and we'll find a nice place for an early dinner. I can tell you everything I know about today and you'll still have plenty of time to visit with Lenara. What do you think?"

Dax yawned. "All right. You know, a hot shower does sound good and even the thought of food is starting to have a certain appeal. If you stop back by in about an hour I promise I'll be ready." She walked him to the door. "Where are you going now?"

Julian grinned and pulled a keycard out of his pocket. "Actually, about three doors down."

* * *

Dax leaned her head back and for a long time let the warm water cascade over her hair and face. Sleep had completely invigorated her mind and the shower was having the same effect on her body. Everything was so much clearer now. The questions of the morning had all but disappeared and the smallest seed of an idea was beginning to germinate in her mind. What was it that Curzon used to say, that there was an exception to every rule? And, as she remembered, he usually went out of his way to find it. Jadzia had already decided that, for one rule in particular, she was going to go out of her way to find that exception, too.

At sixteen-hundred hours straight up, Julian appeared at her door. He was freshly showered and shaved and had on a clean, crisp uniform. His eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly when he saw her.

"You look wonderful. I...I guess it's just not very often I see you out of uniform."

"Well, if you remember, I was initially on my way to a holiday on Risa. I thought a uniform might be a bit out of place there." She had on pale green pants with a silver brocade jacket and was just putting on her earrings. Earrings! He couldn't remember the last time he saw her in earrings.

"If you're ready," he said, grabbing her hand, "I've found a little cafe just around the corner that's suppose to have some authentic Trillian home cooking, whatever that means."

"It means you're going to be in for a surprise," she said with a playful laugh. For the first time in a long time, she felt her innate good humor beginning to resurface.

The late afternoon sun was low in the sky when they walked out of the complex, and the soft, cool air was tinged with the scent of flowering serynga bushes. Dax lifted her face to the breeze and inhaled deeply. She had almost forgotten how incredibly pleasant and refreshing it was to be outside, in natural atmosphere, where the air wasn't artificially generated.

It was a short distance from the complex to the cafe and within minutes they were seated at a garden table and looking at the menu. Dax smiled, shaking her head.

"Well, this is all pretty traditional. I'm not sure you're going to like it."

"Oh, really?" Julian replied. He liked a good challenge. "Well, I'm a fairly adventurous kind of chap."

Dax arched her eyebrow. "Why don't you let me choose for both of us," she suggested. "I bet I can come up with something you might like."

"Whatever is your pleasure," Julian deferred with a smile as Dax caught the waiter's eye and gave him their order.

"So," she said, leaning her elbows on the table and resting her chin in her hands, "you were going to tell me everything you know..." she paused and smiled sweetly, "...about today."

"That's right, I was, wasn't I." Julian pulled the napkin onto his lap. "First of all, Lenara looked quite rested when I saw her. The tests this afternoon weren't extremely strenuous, mainly specific blood gas readings and intraneural scans. I wasn't familiar with some of the equipment being used and Dr. Carsia was gracious enough to give me a brief rundown on each of them. He seems a bit unconventional, but extremely knowledgeable, as you would expect. I'll be curious to hear what you think of him."

"I'll think he's the most wonderful man in the quadrant if he can diagnose and treat whatever it is that Lenara has," Dax replied earnestly.

A vaguely deflated look darted briefly across Julian's face but he managed to erase it before Dax noticed.

"Yes...yes, of course. Well...let's see, you asked me about Lenara's mother..."

Julian continued to fill her in on the events of the afternoon. The food arrived in the middle of one of his discourses, and they both ate heartily. It was as different as Dax had predicted; savillek longfish served on a bed of baked krover leaves and garnished with pamma, a strong, almost musty tasting relish. But Julian had always thought of himself as a man with an open mind and, he hoped, tolerant taste buds, so he wasn't terribly surprised to find that he enjoyed the meal immensely.

Just as they were finishing the last drop of Trillian red tea, Julian noticed Jadzia glancing at her chronometer.

"You're anxious to see Lenara, aren't you?"

She shrugged and nodded. "It's just that we have a lot to talk about." She gazed at him intently, thinking of how, just days before, she had wondered if this man sitting across the table could mean anything more to her than just a friend. With the issue now settled in her mind, she was seized by the desire to tell him just how important his friendship was to her.

"Julian, I know we've never really talked about our relationship, yours and mine, and maybe now isn't the best time, but I want you to know how much I care about you and love you. How much I value your..."

"Jadzia," Julian interrupted, "you don't need to tell me how you feel about me. I know - and I treasure it. I also know how you feel about Lenara, and I understand. I really do. I want nothing more than your happiness." He looked up and shook his head. "That's such a standard phrase, it feels trite just saying it, but it's true. If I thought I was the one who could give it to you, I would die trying. But it is so clear to me that your happiness is going to come from someone else. I think I realized that months ago, when the three of us had dinner together on the station." He reached over and squeezed her hand. "I will do whatever I can to help make that happiness possible. Now," he said as he stood up and threw a few slips of latinum on the table, "I think someone is waiting to see you."

She came over to him, gratitude welling up inside of her, and opened her mouth as if to say something. Then, changing her mind, merely took his arm and they walked back to the complex in silence.

* * *

Lenara was standing at the end of the bed holding on to the arm of an attendant when Dax entered the room.

"I was just about to go for a little walk. Care to join me?" Lenara smiled broadly and held out her other arm.

Jadzia smiled back, hesitating slightly.

"Here," the attendant said, "why don't you take over for me. We were only going down the hall a bit and back. Just a little stretch."

Dax walked over to Lenara and gave the smaller woman her arm. She leaned her frail body against it.

"I'm so tired of lying in bed. It feels wonderful just to be on my feet again," Lenara said as they slowly made their way across the room and out the door. It wasn't a long walk, but it took well over an hour as Lenara had to stop every few minutes and rest. Coming back into the room, Dax started toward the bed.

"No, let me just sit on the lounge over there. I can put my legs up and I'll be fine." Dax led her to the other side of the room, eased her gently onto the recliner and pulled up another chair along side of it. Lenara leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

"You're tired," Dax stated with concern.

"No, no. I'm fine," she replied, opening her eyes. "Really. Just sit down." She patted the chair. "I've been looking forward to this all day."

Jadzia slid into the chair. "Me, too." Her mind went to a similar scene on the station eight months before. They sat in silence for a few moments.

"You know," Jadzia said at last, "I've practically memorized what I want to tell you, and now I'm not sure if I should say it."

"You can say anything to me you want to. And this time I promise I will listen all the way through."

Jadzia leaned forward and took a deep breath, feeling suddenly unsure of her voice. She waited for a moment before beginning.

"That day on the station eight months ago, the day you left, I stood for what seemed like forever on the Promenade overlooking the boarding airlocks, hoping, praying that you wouldn't come, that you wouldn't get on that transport. Then I saw you, with your bag over your shoulder and my world fell apart. I was overwhelmed with a sadness I've never felt in any of my lifetimes. Inside, every part of me was screaming, 'Please don't go. Don't leave me again'. It was all I could do to keep from shouting those words out loud. I have never felt so totally alone as I did when I watched that airlock close behind you. I was tormented with questions. Why didn't you love me as much as I loved you? Why didn't you love me enough to stay with me and make a life together regardless of the consequences?"

Lenara opened her mouth to speak but Dax put up her hand. "All the way through, remember?"

Lenara nodded, her face filling with sorrow.

"I knew you loved me," Dax said softly, "and yet, I thought that if I didn't try to make the decision for both of us, you wouldn't be strong enough to make it yourself. I was so afraid of losing you. But you were determined to go back to Trill, to do the right thing. All I could think was 'damn the right thing'. I just wanted to be with you. That's all that mattered."

Jadzia dropped her gaze and stared distractedly at her hands. "After you left, I tried to hate you - for suddenly appearing in my life again only to disappear. For giving me a hope that couldn't be fulfilled. For walking away so easily from something that meant so much to me."

Her voice cracked, but she continued.

"But I couldn't. After a while, I realized how wrong it was to feel that way, and how wrong I had been to expect you to give up everything you'd worked so hard for. It was selfish and unfair - and I'm sorry I made it so hard on you. Please forgive me."

Dax looked up. Lenara's eyes had filled with tears. She reached over and pulled Dax to the edge of the lounge, leaning gently into her. Dax wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly, tears stinging her own eyes.

They sat in silence for a long time. Jadzia pressed her cheek against Lenara's hair and gently stroked the side of her face. Finally, Lenara sat back and fumbled in the pocket of her gown for a tissue.

"I don't know that you were so wrong to feel the way you did," she said, wiping her eyes, "but you are wrong about one thing. It wasn't easy for me to walk away. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. When I got back to Trill, I immersed myself in the wormhole project. There was so much to do, analyzing all the data from the experiments and reworking my theories. I was thankful for the work because it kept me from thinking about how empty I felt inside. Do you remember our last talk? I told you that when you weren't with me, when you weren't around, a part of me was missing."

Dax nodded.

"I still feel that way. I will always feel that way. But there were so many things to take into account, and..." Lenara voice became a whisper, "I was afraid that if we decided to ignore the taboo, we might someday regret it. What if the life we spent together was ultimately filled with recriminations toward each other. What if we realized at the end that it hadn't been worth it and that we'd made a terrible mistake?"

"There are a lot of 'what if's' to this whole situation," Dax said quietly.

"Until two days ago," Lenara continued, "I thought I would never see you again, and yet, here we are. And now, I can't imagine not being with you, not having you in my life. But we're back to the same old choices, both of which seem impossible."

"What if the situation weren't impossible?" Dax asked.

"What do you mean?" Lenara looked at her questioningly.

"This morning, while I was waiting in the hallway to see you, I went through this - debate, for lack of a better term - with myself. I had all but decided to leave, right then, and go back to the station without seeing you again."

Dax stood up and began slowly pacing beside the lounge.

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to leave you. You know me. I'm not an irrational person, nor even an especially emotional one. But, there was something so strong at work inside of me that wouldn't let me go. That has to count for something, even here. That has to mean something that even the Commission would have to acknowledge."

"The Commission?" Lenara asked, her brows shaping into a furrow. "Dax, what are you talking about?"

Dax sat down on the chair and, taking both of Lenara's hands in her own, looked steadily into her eyes. "I know this sounds crazy, but how would you feel if there was a way for us to be together? And I don't just mean by breaking the taboo and risking exile. I mean, what if there was a way to somehow appeal to the Symbiosis Commission. Ask them to judge our case individually, on it's own merits. To get their permission. How would you feel about that, honestly?"

A combination of hope and skepticism flooded Lenara's face.

"I - I'm not sure. I'd almost be afraid to even think about it. How could you possibly approach the Commission with this? You've got to realize that it would mean going up against thousands of years of tradition and precedence. And tradition is nothing if not the life blood of the Commission. Believe me, I know. I served on the Regent's board for several years."

Dax was unfazed. "I'm not saying tradition isn't important or that it should be lightly tossed aside merely for the sake of finding an exception to a rule. But rules, if they should be obeyed, need to have a solid basis. I want to know why the taboo exists in the first place. I want the Commission to prove its validity to me, and to themselves, if they can. And if they can't...well, then maybe we have a chance at happiness. I think it's worth a try."

She looked at Lenara evenly. "Even if I'm not successful, what have we lost? Nothing. We have absolutely nothing to lose - and everything to gain. Either way, it would resolve the issue for us once and for all."

Lenara felt a lump forming in her throat. "Then, you mean that if the Commission maintains their stand on reassociation, you'll agree to abide by it?"

Dax thought carefully and deliberately.

"Yes, I guess that's exactly what I mean. If the Commission won't change its mind, I..." her voice caught just a little, "will never purposely see you again."

Apprehension and hope fought for control of Lenara's expression. "Then I shall say my prayers for your success."

At length, Dax left Lenara to rest. She was tired as well, but couldn't bring herself to go back to her room. Instead, she made her way outside to a small garden she'd noticed earlier. Finding a bench facing a lily-strewn pond, she sat down. In the distance, reeyas were making their unique throaty call. She couldn't remember the last time she'd heard that sound and almost laughed out loud from the joy of it. She took in a deep breath, letting all of her senses savor the beauty of the night. Across the water, a full moon marched steadily upward above the horizon, first orange, then burnished gold, then pale yellow and finally brilliant white. Her mind and her heart were unclouded for the first time in many days and she was filled with a deep sense of peace. Suddenly, an ancient Bajoran proverb sprang to her mind. "It is the unknown that defines our existence." There were still many unknowns to be faced and Dax knew that they would indeed define her life from this point on. Tomorrow, after Lenara's test results were in and analyzed, there would come the answer to one very important unknown. Tomorrow, she hoped with all her heart, would be the beginning of all good things.

* * *

Dax watched Julian as he drained his third cup of ladok. They were lingering over breakfast in an attempt to fill the time before the meeting with the doctors at eleven-hundred.

"You know, I'm starting to acquire a taste for this stuff," he said with a look of surprised satisfaction.

"Then you'll have to try my recipe," Dax replied. "I'll make you a pot when I get back to the station."

"When do you think that might be?" Julian asked with forced casualness. He would try not to wince, he promised himself, if the answer was what he suspected.

"I don't know exactly," she answered between bites. "I have up to four months leave coming. I just want to be absolutely sure that Lenara is going to be okay. And," she laid down her fork, her expression suddenly serious, "I'm going to petition the Symbiosis Commission for a change in their stance on reassociation." She waited for his astonished expression and it wasn't long in coming.

"Wh...wha...you've got to be kidding. When did you decide to take on the Symbiosis Commission?" He seemed completely taken aback. "You told me yourself that the taboo is practically as old as the Commission itself. Surely others have tried to have it repealed before, obviously without success."

"Thanks so much for your vote of confidence." Jadzia feigned a wounded expression, but she understood his skepticism.

"I know it seems like a long shot - it is a long shot - but I've got to take it, it's that important to me. Of course, if I can't persuade them, then it means I'll never see Lenara again, but we both agree that it has to be that way. Either we can be together without risking everything, or that's the end of it and we go on with our lives as if we'd never met."

Julian was silently nodding.

"Have you told Benjamin yet?" he asked at last.

"I sent a subspace message this morning, but I haven't talked with him directly. I thought I would wait until we knew more about Lenara's condition and..."

At that moment, Dr. Abidon entered the dining area and walked directly over to their table. "I was hoping I'd find you two together. I don't want to unduly alarm you, but Dr. Kahn went into cardiac distress about half an hour ago. We have it under control for the time being. Dr. Carsia and Dr. Halar are in with her now, running a few additional tests and they want to keep her under observation for another hour or so. Dr. Kahn's mother and brother are waiting in the foyer area. It might be good if you joined them. As soon as the doctors are ready to talk with you, I'll escort you all to a conference room nearby. It would be most convenient if everyone was together when we're ready for the meeting."

"Yes, of course, we'll wait in the foyer," Julian answered immediately. He wasn't often on this side of such a conversation.

Dax willed herself to push back the panic that threatened to engulf her. She'd had a vague sense of uneasiness ever since awakening, but had put it out of her mind. Now she knew that this was the very thing she had felt uneasy about. She realized it the minute she saw Dr. Abidon's face. Forcing herself to remain calm, she followed Julian into the foyer. Bejal and his mother were sitting just inside the entrance and he stood up when he saw Jadzia. She hesitated for a moment, but it was impossible to avoid him now and she nodded in his direction.

"Commander, I'd like you to meet my mother, Mrs. Otner." He turned to face a small, attractive elderly woman. "Mother, this is Commander Jadzia Dax."

Jadzia stepped forward and held out her hand. She was greeted with a lovely smile as a delicate hand slipped into hers.

"Of course. It's nice to finally meet you, Dax. You don't mind if I call you Dax, do you? Commander seems so formal since I feel as if I already know you. You see, I've heard so much about you," she glanced at Bejal, "from both of my children."

"No, I, uh..." Jadzia stammered, momentarily flustered, "I don't mind at all." She wondered just exactly what Mrs. Otner had heard about her, especially from Bejal, but she couldn't help but feel the warmth that emanated from this woman and it put her at ease.

"Won't you join us? Dr. Abidon has said it may be a while before we hear more about Lenara's condition."

There was no way she could refuse the invitation, nor, surprisingly, did she especially want to, so Dax sat down next to Mrs. Otner, and for the next few hours basked in the kind attention that the older woman gave to her. Even Bejal seemed willing to set aside, for the moment, the resentment he harbored for her, and time passed quickly.

It was just after noon when Dr. Abidon returned to the foyer and ushered the group to a small conference room off the reception area. Moments later, the two specialists joined them. Dr. Carsia was straight as a ramrod - an abrupt sort of man with an intelligent face and impervious bearing. Dr. Halar was surprisingly young and Jadzia thought she recognized her from her days as an initiate. Dr. Abidon made introductions and sat down at the head of the table.

"First, and most importantly," he began, "Dr. Kahn has improved and is resting comfortably. Our major concern at this time is to make certain that her cardiovascular system does not become overtaxed by the condition of the symbiont. Dr. Carsia has more to explain about that and I will turn the meeting over to him."

Dr. Carsia lean forward slightly in his chair and referred to the padd he had placed in front of him.

"We have run a thorough series of tests on Dr. Kahn and from the results have concluded that the Kahn symbiont has a condition known as congenital symbiotic neurotrophic disorder, or Midrel's Syndrome." He pronounced the words with a great deal of care, as if speaking to a group of children. "It is a somewhat rare disease that we have just recently been able to successfully control and we feel very confident that Dr. Kahn will respond well to treatment."

"Midrel's Syndrome," Jadzia heard Julian whisper, "of course." When she glanced over at him, his face had taken on a dark expression.

"The disease," Dr. Carsia continued, "is, in simple terms, a genetic abnormality of unknown origin which is present in the symbiont from origin. It usually does not exhibit itself until sometime in mid-life and is, for the most part, undetectable until the host begins to display classic symptoms, the first of which is severe irregular heartbeat. The disease causes the neurological system of the symbiont to degenerate and lose its ability to interact effectively with the parasympathetic nervous system of the host. If left untreated, it results in the death of both symbiont and host within a very short period of time."

Jadzia heard a soft gasp from Mrs. Otner and when she looked over at the elderly woman, she saw that her face had paled and she was clutching Bejal's hand tightly. Dr. Carsia also noticed her obvious distress and, clearing his throat, proceeded quickly.

"We are very fortunate in Dr. Kahn's case, however, to have caught the disease in it's initial stages. As I said before, we have every confidence that Dr. Kahn will respond successfully to treatment and continue to live a healthy, normal life." This seemed to ease Mrs. Otner's anxiety somewhat and her grasp on Bejal's hand relaxed slightly.

Julian spoke up. "I have heard of Midrel's Syndrome, but I'm unfamiliar with the specifics of the disease or the treatment. Can you give us an idea how long it will take Dr. Kahn to completely recover?"

"Certainly," Dr. Carsia replied, "but I will defer to Dr. Halar for the answer to that question."

Dr. Halar stood up and gave the group an easy smile.

"Initial treatment consists of implanting a neural stimulator directly into the symbiont to increase synaptic activity. It works on the same principal as a cardiac pacemaker. That's a rather primitive example, but essentially the device provides a consistent output of energy into the nervous system of the symbiont and stimulates it to the point where it can reestablish all necessary linkage with the nervous system of the host. Once neural activity is sufficiently restored and maintained, the host's body will regenerate itself fairly quickly, barring, of course, any underlying condition that the host may have. After examining Dr. Kahn, however, I am very satisfied that she is in adequate health. After that, she will begin anti-kinetic drug therapy, which increases the body's ability to withstand fluctuations in neural patterns. I have scheduled the surgery for tomorrow morning and drug therapy will begin immediately after that."

Mrs. Otner suddenly sat forward in her chair, drawing everyone's attention. "How does this - disease - affect the ongoing life of the symbiont," she asked in her soft voice, "that is, after the death of the host body?"

The doctors looked at one another for a long moment and Dr. Carsia finally spoke.

"It has been our experience, and it is confirmed in the scientific literature that, with few exceptions, the symbiont will die at the death of the host. Death of a host body, as you may know, is an extremely traumatic event for even the healthiest of symbionts. For those with Midrel's, the physical shock of separation from the host body is just too great. In most cases, the symbiont dies within minutes of the death of the host. And," he paused for an instant, "in the rare case where the symbiont does survive initially, the Commission prohibits retransplantation."

Everyone sat in stunned silence. Dax looked around the table. Bejal was trying desperately to control his twitching mouth. Mrs. Otner still had her eyes glued to Dr. Carsia, as it to force the words he had just spoken back through his thin lips. There was a voice shouting inside her own head. No, no, no, no, no, it cried, this can't be right. This is not suppose to happen. When Lenara dies, Kahn is suppose to be joined to a new host, to live another full and enriching life and then go on to another and another and another... But now this stranger in front of her was saying that there would be no further hosts for her symbiont. There would be no Kahn living on in the body of another. That all the lifetimes of memories, of experiences, would be gone, lost to the finality of death. This can't be happening. She felt an involuntary shudder course through her body.

"Does Lenara know about this - about what will happen to her symbiont?" Dax hadn't realized that she'd spoken until she heard her own voice.

Dr. Abidon answered her. "Yes, we discussed this situation with her shortly before beginning this meeting. It is our standard procedure to fully inform our patients of their diagnosis, treatment options and prognosis as soon as possible, before discussing it with anyone else."

Mrs. Otner stood up and motioned to Bejal. "I would like to see my daughter now."

"Well, we'd rather she didn't have visitors for a little while," Dr. Carsia said.

"I am not a visitor, Dr. Carsia," she said with sudden authority, "I'm her mother, and I would like to see now." She looked at Dr. Abidon who in turn gave a quick, purposeful glance to Dr. Carsia.

"All right, Mrs. Otner," he relented hesitantly, "you may see her for a few minutes, but please remember that her condition is delicate and she needs her rest."

"Of course," she replied stiffly as she and Bejal made their way from the room. A few minutes later, Dr. Abidon, Dr. Carsia and Dr. Halar left as well.

Dax numbly watched them leave. Julian sat quietly at her side, mindful of the emotional cataclysm going on inside of her. Finally, he reached over and put a concerned hand on her arm.

"Are you all right?"

"I don't know," she replied, still looking straight ahead. "I don't know what to think, what to feel. I mean, I'm glad that everyone seems so certain that she will recover completely and live a normal life." She gave a short, mirthless laugh. "Normal. Now that's a relative word, isn't it? There's nothing at all normal about this." Dax turned to Julian and gave him one of those ancient looks he had never been able to decipher.

"Is there anything I can do? I could stay a few more days, if you'd like. The station will be fine without me, and Benjamin knows how to reach me if there's any reason for me to return sooner."

Dax patted the hand that had lingered on her arm.

"I think the station needs you more than you realize. Besides, you've done so much already. You've been helpful and supportive and, most importantly, you kept Lenara alive until we could get her here. If you never did anything else for me again, that would be enough."

"Are you still going to the Commission?" Julian asked.

Dax glanced at her chronometer and nodded.

"I have an appointment with the Regulating Committee at oh-four-hundred," she replied.

"Aren't things just a bit different now, though? I mean, Lenara's situation and all. It seems rather pointless to petition the Commission for the life of her symbiont when - well, when that life will end when hers does."

"Maybe." Dax stared past Julian and tapped her index finger lightly on her lips. "But if there's a chance we could be together, and I don't try, I'll always wonder if I missed the greatest opportunity I may have - we may have - for happiness."

Their eyes met and Julian gave her a sweet, crooked grin. "You're an amazing woman, Jadzia Dax."

"And you are an exceptional friend, Julian Bashir."

Their gaze held for a moment longer, then Julian stood up.

"Well, I think it's time for me to be on my way. You're probably right. I imagine the station is just about falling apart right now without me."

"No doubt," she replied as they walked out of the room together.

* * *

Public transportation on Trill was efficient and convenient and Dax was able to catch a tram in front of the complex that took her to the door of the central library. For the next several hours, she pored over volumes of both ancient and recent documents of rules and policies of the Symbiosis Commission dealing with interaction between joined Trills. She learned that the taboo against reassociation was established in the earliest days of Joined Society when it was common practice for joined Trills to reconnect with past spouses, parents and children. Initially, the Commission looked the other way, realizing that it was natural to form strong attachments and wish to maintain them even when the symbiont went into another host body. But it quickly became apparent that the entire basic structure of the Joined Society would be undermined if there was an unwillingness in those who were joined to live beyond the bounds of past relationships. In the Articles for the Regulation of Joined Associations she read,

There was nothing ambiguous about the Commission's stance on reassociation. They strictly forbade it. Dax was amazed to find literally thousands of registered appeals against the taboo recorded in the archives of the Regulating Committee. She hadn't realized that there were such a large number of joined Trills who had actually been willing to fight the Commission on this very point. They all must have assumed their cases could be successful. A faulty assumption, Dax noted, as every case was settled on the side of the Commission. She sat staring at the large tome for a long time, deep in thought. How could she possibly approach the Commission with any kind of persuasiveness? After all, she was just one of the many joined Trill who found herself still in love with a spouse from a past host. How many thousands of other joined Trills had been in the exact same situation but made the decision to abide by the rules even if it meant sacrificing personal happiness? Discouragement began to hit her in waves and she fought it by focusing on Lenara and the feelings she had for her.

As she distractedly paged through the volume, her eyes suddenly fell on a section entitled Symbiont Cessation and Accompanying Provisions. She read intently for the next hour, until it was time to make her way to Commission headquarters. Facing the Commission for any reason was always an ordeal for Dax, but as she rose to leave for her appointment, she realized, incredibly, that she had never felt as much peace as she did at that very moment. No matter what the final outcome, Dax knew that it could never affect the memories that she and Lenara shared. They would, in every real sense, always reside in the deepest part of each other.

* * *

When Jadzia returned to the complex, she put in a call to Dr. Abidon. He was still seeing the last of his patients for the day so she decided to sit in his waiting room until he had finished. She had only been there a short time when Dr. Abidon called her into his office.

"I talked with Dr. Halar about an hour ago," he said kindly, "and I understand that Dr. Kahn is doing much better. It's very common in the first stages of the disease to find the patient in great distress, administer a temporary treatment and see a remarkable recovery, only to have the whole process begin again when the drug wears off. That's why it's so important to perform the surgery and begin the therapy as soon as possible. It reduces the risk of permanent damage to the host's heart."

"Is she well enough for a visitor?" Dax asked anxiously.

"I think she's well enough and I've noticed how much you seem to cheer her. I've always believed that the care and concern of family and friends can make all the difference in a patient's recovery." Dr. Abidon looked closely at Dax and there was a moment of silence between them.

"May I tell you a true story?" he asked abruptly, proceeding before Dax could answer. "I have had only three other patients with Midrel's Syndrome. I remember them all, of course, but one in particular stands out in my mind. He was only the second host for his symbiont when the disease was diagnosed and was himself a relatively young man. When he was told that his symbiont would die when he died, it completely devastated him. Although he recovered quite well physically, he never recovered psychologically and, for all practical purposes, the knowledge of what the disease meant for the symbiont ruined his life. He became addicted to garga deleteria and was eventually committed to the state ward hospital. He and the symbiont died not long after that."

He leaned back in his chair, bringing his steepled fingers up to his mouth.

"Now, I don't mean to suggest that Dr. Kahn will react to this situation in the same manner, but it certainly illustrates first hand how drastic an emotional impact this disease can produce. I say all this merely to encourage you to support your friend, Commander Dax, to the best of your ability. She will need it, not only during her stay at the complex, but for the rest of her life."

"Dr. Abidon, I can assure you that Lenara will get as much support as she needs, for as long as she needs it," Dax replied deliberately.

He cocked his head slightly to one side but said nothing. Finally, he pushed his chair back and stood up.

"Shall we go visit Dr. Kahn?"

Lenara was happy to see Dax, although she looked even more fragile than the day before. The stress on her heart was wearing her down. This was obvious by the pallor of her face and the dark circles under her eyes.

Dax looked at Lenara's face and felt her stomach give a tiny lurch. Even at its most unflattering, Lenara's face reached in and shook Dax to the center of her heart. She'd often asked herself what it was that affected her so deeply? Was it that she saw Nelani in the way Lenara held her mouth or the slight arch of her eyebrow? Were the memories of Torias so strong inside of her that her very body reacted to the sight of this woman? Or was there something about Lenara herself that touched her so profoundly - something within her own personal essence that attracted and drew Jadzia? For the last several days, Dax had slowly suspected that her feelings for Lenara were much more than just the Dax-Kahn connection - that they were something more immediate, more personal to Jadzia herself. She found herself giddy and amazed and bewildered by it all. And even with hundreds of years of emotional experience to uphold and guide her, she felt like a kid with a new toy. No, she corrected herself, she felt like a woman who had finally discovered what really mattered to her - and it became even more clear each time she looked into Lenara's face.

"Hello, Dr. Kahn, I hope you were able to get some rest this afternoon," Dr. Abidon said as he picked up the padd at the end of the bed.

"Yes, I was, thank you." She looked over at Dax and smiled weakly. Dax stepped to the other side of the bed and took Lenara's hand.

"Well, I'm honored to have this attention, though I imagine that there's a purpose to this visit."

Dr Abidon shook his head. "No, not really. I'm just making my final rounds for the day and wanted to make sure you were still comfortable. I see Dr. Halar has been in to discuss the surgery with you. Do you have any other questions or concerns I might be able to address?"

"I don't think so. Dr. Halar was very thorough in her explanations. I may even know a little more than I want to about it all." Lenara's strained smile betrayed a hint of apprehension.

"Don't worry, my dear," he said, looking at Lenara with compassion. "Everything will be fine." Then, glancing at Dax, he bowed slightly. "Well, I shall leave you two to visit."

They both silently watched him leave. Dax suddenly walked over to the door and with a quick gesture, disabled the automatic entrance.

Lenara gave Dax a puzzled stare. In answer, Dax walked back to the bed, slipped off her shoes, pulled back the covers and climbed in beside Lenara, carefully sliding her arm under Lenara's shoulders and drawing her into a full, warm, embrace. She felt Lenara's body tense for a moment and then begin to relax against hers as she nestled Lenara's head into her shoulder and kissed her forehead. Lenara's arm reached around Dax and held her with more strength than Dax would have believed she had. Lenara sighed deeply several times and suddenly began to cry, softly at first, but then with more force and feeling. Dax held her closer.

"Shhh, shhh, it's all right...shhh..." Dax whispered.

Within moments, Lenara's body was shaking with uncontrolled sobs.

"Shhh, shhh...I'm right here."

Dax smoothed Lenara's hair, her arms clasped tightly around the frail body. Lenara would periodically catch her breath only to begin the whole process over again. Dax patiently let her cry as much and for as long as she needed. Dax needed to cry as well, but now was not the time. Now was the time for Lenara to weep and to grieve. Now was the time for comfort and touch and sharing the depths of loss.

"Oh, Dax...Dax," Lenara managed to stammer between gulps of air.

"I've got you...and I don't intend to let go," Dax said softly into Lenara's hair.

After a long while, Lenara was quiet and her breathing steadied. Dax, at one point, thought she might have fallen asleep but when she moved slightly, Lenara turned her head and looked up, her cheeks still moist with tears. Dax studied Lenara's crystal eyes, searching for the right words to say. Finding none, she slowly leaned down and kissed Lenara's lips, and, in the end, the closeness was enough.

* * *

Dax spent a sleepless night and was waiting outside of Lenara's room well before the scheduled surgery at oh-seven-hundred hours. The attendants were already prepping Lenara when she arrived and she was able to catch just the briefest glimpse before they wheeled Lenara into the sterile chamber for the operation. She looked so frail and helpless that Dax's heart dropped into her stomach. But the doctors were confident in the success of the procedure and Dax was able to latch onto a portion of that confidence for herself. She waited in a private vestibule with Bejal and Lenara's mother. Not much was said, but there seemed to be an unspoken truce between Dax and Bejal, and for that she was thankful. The surgery lasted well over four hours and for most of that time Dax sat at a small table in the corner of the room, writing. It was just before noon when Dr. Halar appeared. Her forehead glistened with perspiration and several strands of hair stuck out awkwardly from the edge of her cap.

"Everything went very well," she said, pushing the cap back off her head and loosening the collar of her surgical gown. "The stimulator is functioning in just the way we expected and there has already been significant improvement in the amount of neural reconnection taking place. We'll be monitoring her closely for the next several hours, so please don't be alarmed by the amount of equipment you'll see her attached to. It's basic procedure, really, and I imagine that by later this afternoon she should be ready to go back to her room, looking much more like the person she was before this all happened." She gave everyone a big smile. Mrs. Otner walked over and embraced the young woman, holding her tightly for several long moments.

"Thank you, my dear. Thank you for the life of my daughter."

Dr. Halar looked shyly at the elderly woman and smiled again.

"Would you like to see her now, for a few minutes?" she asked.

"Very much," Mrs. Otner replied. She and Bejal began to follow Dr. Halar out of the room. When they got to the door, Bejal paused suddenly and looked around at Dax, making a gesture of invitation.

"Please come with us, Dax. I'd like you to."

Dax stared at him a moment, gratitude framing her eyes.

"No - no, I can't," she said, barely above a whisper. Crossing over to him, she held out an envelope with Lenara's name on it. Bejal looked at the envelope and then back at Dax as his bewilderment slowly turned into understanding. He took it gently from her hand and walked out of the room. Feeling her knees begin to buckle, Dax sank down heavily into the nearest chair. For a long time she sat there, leaning forward, her forehead resting against her palms. Then, almost imperceptibly, her body began to shake.

* * *

The Symbiosis Commission had "regretfully denied" Dax permission to maintain any contact with Lenara, even after learning of her condition. Dax had put forth a credible case to the Regulating Committee, contending that she and Lenara could add immeasurably to each other's lives, even if merely as friends and colleagues. After all, she had argued, she'd been able to preserve her bond with Benjamin Sisko, who had first been Curzon's friend and protege, and that friendship had proved to be nothing but advantageous to them both. Yes, that was true, the Committee conceded, but Sisko had always been nothing more that a friend, not a spouse, and that seemed to make all the difference. They were characteristically inflexible on that point and not in the least inclined to set a precedent in the matter. They were all very sorry, they said, especially to hear that Dr. Kahn was suffering from Midrel's Syndrome, but nevertheless, reassociation with former spouses was strictly prohibited and it was in the best interest of all joined Trills that the original ruling be upheld. Period. End of sentence. End of discussion. At that point, the spirit of Curzon Dax rose up inside of Jadzia and she all but demanded that, at the least, she and Lenara be allowed to perform the benra zhian'tar, the rite of entrustment, at Lenara's death. She pointed to the passage in the Articles for the Regulation of Joined Associations that read,

It was an ancient provision and one that was rarely used, but Dax was adamant. In the end, the Committee reluctantly yielded. She half suspected that it was a concession for the time when, in an attempt to cover up the fact that Dax had once been joined to an insane murderer, the Commission had been willing to sacrifice Jadzia herself. But, whatever the reason, Dax had won a small victory in the battle she secretly feared would end in crushing defeat.

Dax knew when she walked into Lenara's room the night before the surgery that it would be the last time she would see her until, perhaps, just before her death. In the letter she had given Bejal to deliver to Lenara, Dax related in detail her frustrating experience with the Committee, their refusal to allow a relationship between Dax and Lenara and the small concession that had been granted, the benra zhian'tar. It all hinged, of course, on whether Lenara would agree to the ceremony. Dax tried very hard to present the idea impassively. She wanted Lenara to be free to accept it or reject it without influence. In the letter, Dax enclosed the Klingon earrings that Lenara had given her when they first met on the station. If Lenara decided to accept the proposal, she was to return one of the earrings to Dax. If not, she was to keep them both and there would be no further contact between them. Ever.

That afternoon, Dax caught a transport to Risa. She wanted time alone, to cry and to grieve at her leisure. Over the next several weeks, as the pain in her heart soaked up the warm, healing rays of Risa's perennial sun, she gradually came to realize that she could return to life on Deep Space Nine not only without regret, but with a certain measure of peace. For her it was enough and one morning she simply packed her bags and made the journey home.

One Klingon earring was waiting for her when she got back to the station. She discovered later from Kira that it had arrived by express mail transport on the very day she left Trill for Risa. Dax had smiled slightly at the news and given Kira a hug. It was then that she sent a letter to Bejal, asking him to be the secret liaison between her and Lenara. She had to know when Lenara's death was near so that the benra zhian'tar could be performed before the symbiont died and the memories were lost forever. Bejal agreed without hesitation and it was through him that, over the years, Dax learned about Lenara's life.

Bejal's first of many letters arrived three years later, telling her of Lenara's marriage to Cam Cravoor, a quantum physicist with the Ministry of Science. He wrote again when Lenara gave birth to a daughter, Jadzia Camara Cravoor, whom everyone called Jadzi. Dax received another letter when Lenara won the prestigious Parth Academy Medallion of Excellence for her research on ultrastandard subspace distortional patterns and the creation of artificial wormholes, netting the Ministry a significant financial endowment. With every letter, Dax was able to vicariously share the joys and the sorrows of Lenara's life, even if only secondhand and from a distance. His last one had been just the year before, when, at Cam's death, Lenara became a widow. Dax's heart had ached for Lenara at the news, but it nevertheless gave her tremendous satisfaction to know that Lenara's life was rich and full. Her work was acknowledged and acclaimed throughout the quadrant, her marriage had been happy and successful and her daughter had grown into a lovely and brilliant young woman...

* * *

...a young woman, Dax thought sadly as the unmistakable feel of a starship diving into atmosphere yanked her back into reality, who is about to lose her mother. She looked out the window and could see the curved surface of Trill. Shaking her head, she gave a long sigh. As usual, time was skipping way ahead of her.

From the transport dock, she caught a tram to the address Bejal had given her. Upon arrival, she gave the driver a slip of latinum and pulled the strap of her well-traveled bag over her shoulder. Walking up the path to the house, she saw Bejal's familiar, though stockier, figure step out from the doorway. He gave a short wave when he saw Dax and began to make his way down the path. Behind him, suddenly, was a younger, taller version of Lenara. The young woman sprang towards Dax and upon reaching her, wrapped her in a tight embrace. Astonished, Dax held the young woman for a few moments, then gently pushed her out to arm's length. Jadzi. The hair was darker, the body not quite so petite, but the eyes, the nose, the mouth were completely Lenara. As Bejal reached them, Dax, still holding on to Jadzi, gave him her hand. He took it warmly. The resentment between them had vanished years ago and a strong mutual respect had slowly taken its place. With one on each side, they escorted Dax into the house. Lenara's house. How many times Dax had thought about this very moment, about walking through this very door and seeing Lenara's face again, dreading and longing for this day ever since the decisive meeting with the Symbiosis Commission nearly fifty years before.

It took a minute before Dax's eyes adjusted to the darkened room. She sensed Lenara before she saw her, lying on the sofa on the far side of the living area. She hesitated slightly and then Lenara flashed a weak but still incredibly radiant smile and held out her arms. Dax felt tears begin to pool in her eyes and she brushed them away impatiently. She had waited too long to see Lenara's face again to have it all obscured by the choke of emotion. She walked over and knelt by the side of the sofa. Lenara raised her hand to Dax's face and stroked it slowly several times. Dax could feel how unsteady her movements were and taking Lenara's hand, laid it gently against her cheek.

"Well, look at us. We've had a few years pass over us since the last time we saw each other, haven't we?" Dax's face was a mixture of tenderness and worry.

"Yes, we have." Lenara's head was shaking slightly. The effects, Dax was sure, of the degenerating neural connections. "You look just as I imagined, just as I've pictured in my mind."

Dax threw her head back and gave a short laugh. "I look like an old woman. But you," she said, cupping Lenara's face in her hand, "you're as beautiful as I remember."

Lenara smiled and Dax felt her heart skip. It surprised her that even now, after so many years, Lenara's smile, her closeness could still elicit this reaction. But this time, finally, she didn't fight it, or lose patience with it or even question it. She just enjoyed it.

"You've met Jadzi?" Lenara asked.

Dax smiled and nodded.

"What do you think?"

"She is absolutely wonderful. She's your daughter, there's no question."

"In so many ways she reminds me of you." Lenara held onto Dax's hands more tightly. "She's so strong and confident and ready to make her mark. Did you know she won the Gar'bok Scholarship and will become an initiate for joining next year?"

"I'm not surprised," Dax replied.

Lenara turned her head slightly and looked out the window at Jadzi and Bejal, sitting together in the garden next to the house.

"We're very close, the two of us, and it will be difficult for her when I'm gone, especially so soon after losing her father. I don't worry about her, really. She's mature and responsible and certainly knows where she's going and what she wants out of life. I'm just afraid she may feel rather alone." Lenara turned back to Dax, her eyes communicating a silent appeal.

"I've told her so much about you. She's been so anxious to meet you. I think, in a way, she formed a bond with you in her heart long before today. It will mean a great deal to her - to both of us - if you can stay in touch with her. Maybe just let her know you're available if she needs someone to talk to. I hope that's not asking too much."

"Oh, Lenara," Dax said, swallowing hard and trying desperately to keep control of her voice, "I would love to spend time with her, to get to know her, to be of whatever help I can. It would mean so much to me, too. And, of course," Dax looked down at Lenara's hands in hers, "I'll have an even stronger connection with her - after the benra zhian'tar." .

"I know." Lenara closed her eyes and let her head fall back onto the pillow. "I know." Weakness was overtaking her and her grip on Dax involuntarily loosened.

"Why don't you rest for a little while," Dax said. "We can talk more later." Lenara nodded slowly and Dax carefully laid her hands across her lap.

She stood up and looked out the window at Bejal and Jadzi. Bejal had his hand on Jadzi's shoulder and even from a distance, Dax could tell that she'd been crying. She quietly slipped out the side door into the garden and sat in a chair across from the two.

"Why don't I make some tea," Bejal said as he slowly pushed himself up from the bench and walked toward the door. "And I think it's probably time to call the Guardian. He may need time to prepare for the ceremony - and I don't know how much time we have." He turned toward Dax, sadness shining in his eyes.

Dax met his gaze and nodded reluctantly.

Jadzi was struggling to gain emotional control and Dax looked at her with compassion but said nothing. At length Jadzi turned to her.

"Tell me about what will happen - at the benra zhian'tar," she said quietly.

"All right," Dax replied, shifting over to the bench to sit beside Jadzi. For the next hour, the older woman shared with the younger all she knew about the upcoming ceremony that was to have such a significant impact on both of their lives.

While they talked, Dax thought of a similar ritual, the zhian'tara, which all joined Trills go through. During that ceremony, the memories of each individual past host are temporarily transferred into the mind and body of someone else in order to allow the Trill to meet those hosts face-to-face. Dax remembered it as a powerful experience and yet extremely unsettling to be separated from even one set of memories. To be stripped of all of them at one time, as would be the case in the benra zhian'tar, would be unbearable. It was essential, then, to conduct the transfer just as consciousness was leaving, so that Lenara would not have to experience the overwhelming sense of aloneness of being separated from everything that was familiar and secure. For that, they would all need to rely on the experience of the Guardian. Dax was confident that, no matter whatever else she may think of them, the Guardians had nothing but the well-being of symbiont and host as their highest concern.

Bejal rejoined them with a tray of steaming Trillian red tea. "The Guardian will be here within the hour," he said as he sat the tray on a table near the bench.

Dax and Jadzi both nodded and reached for each other's hand. Dax noticed how tired Bejal looked, and how sad. He had been a loving and devoted brother to Lenara and this was a painful time for him as well. As they sat drinking their tea, they began to talk about Lenara, sharing stories and recollections, which often brought them to laughter - and tears. For Dax, it was as if a dam had burst inside of her and all the memories that had been held at bay for so long came rushing out. She had never suspected what an incredible joy it would be just to say Lenara's name freely and out loud in the company of others.

Jadzi was the first to notice Lenara stir and immediately went into the house. Dax started to follow her, but Bejal shook his head and held up his hand.

"This may be the last chance they have to be together," he said, not unkindly.

"Of course," Dax replied, sitting back down on the bench.

It wasn't long after that the Guardian arrived. Dax and Bejal exchanged a sad, thoughtful look, and with a weary sigh, Bejal got to his feet and walked around to the front of the house to greet the man whose presence signaled the final hours of his sister's life.

What an odd lot, Dax thought, as she saw the small, stooped man in a coarse brown robe through the living room window. Odd, but so intricately woven into the fabric of Joined society. The Guardians were ascetics, the keepers of the symbionts, tending the pools of primordial sludge in which the speechless, sightless forms of intelligence existed. The Guardians presided over every major event, every rite of passage of a joined Trill's life. Although the benra zhian'tar was seldom performed, it was nonetheless an important ritual and one that the Guardians held sacred. It involved the telepathic transfer of all memories from one symbiont to another. With the benra zhian'tar, Lenara's memories, those from her own life and the lives of the hosts before her would be transferred into the sub-conscious of the Dax symbiont, becoming a permanent part of that ongoing life. Not as prominent as Dax's own memories, something much more subtle, but a part nonetheless. Living on. That was the important thing.

Dax leaned back against the bench and quietly finished her tea, letting her eyes and her thoughts wander. The garden was lovely and well-cared for and the house was gracious and inviting. Just like Lenara, Dax thought. A profound, abiding sense of love infused every part of her being as images of Lenara came quickly and easily to Dax's mind. They flowed unhindered through her consciousness like the current of a river. She had no idea how much time had passed when she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"The Guardian is ready, and Lenara is asking for you." Reaching out his hand, Bejal gently helped her up. Dax continued to hold his hand as they walked into the house.

Lenara was propped up on the sofa. Jadzi stood behind her and the Guardian was waiting silently in the corner of the room. Dax pulled a small footstool to the edge of the sofa and sat down.

"Are you in pain?" Dax asked, letting her fingers brush through Lenara's hair.

"No, not pain exactly. Just weary - tired - ready to let go," Lenara replied in a voice so low that Dax had to lean in very close just to hear her.

"I know, but not just quite yet."

As Dax touched Lenara's forehead with her own, she noticed a golden thread around Lenara's neck. The pendant hanging on it was covered by a fold in her gown. Reaching over, Dax took it into her hand. It was a Klingon earring.

"I've never taken it off," Lenara whispered in answer to her puzzled look.

Dax reached inside of her tunic, pulling out the chain which hung around her own neck. On it, a Klingon earring, matching Lenara's exactly.

"Neither have I," she replied softly.

Lenara suddenly tightened her grip on Dax's hand, her voice gaining a bit of strength.

"I've had a wonderful life, Dax. I've been rewarded for my work. I was married to a kind and generous man who was a loving husband and father. And I have Jadzi, who's been the joy of my life." She struggled to sit up. "But, there wasn't a day that went by that you weren't somewhere in my thoughts, that my heart didn't ache for you not being with me." She began to cough a little and Dax could see how much this was taking out of her. She tried to settle her back onto the sofa, but Lenara waved her off and looked at her intensely.

"I have to know. Have you ever regretted the decision we made?" she asked.

Dax stared hard into the crystal blue eyes. There were many words she might have used to define the emotions she'd gone through over the years but regret was not one of them.

"No, I haven't regretted it. I've hurt from the emptiness I've felt inside. I've raged against the unfairness of it all. And most of all, I've missed you. More than I can ever tell you. But I always knew that we made the right choice. The only choice."

"That's exactly how I feel." Lenara drew Dax closer. "But it was a great sacrifice, wasn't it?"

"Yes, my dearest one," Dax whispered through the lump in her throat. She had often thought about the nature of sacrifice and the purpose it had served in her life. "One that will soon be over."

Lenara leaned back against the pillows and smiled. "Yes. Soon."

"I love you," Dax said quietly. "I always have."

"I love you," Lenara answered. "And I always will." Then, reaching up, she brought Dax's lips down to her own. It was a soft, lingering, final act of love long denied.

With that, Lenara closed her eyes and took a deep, ragged breath. Within moments, she had fallen into a last, peaceful sleep. It was time for the benra zhian'tar. As the Guardian chanted the ancient, sacred words, a blue mist slowly swirled out of Lenara's abdomen, through the Guardian's forehead and into Dax. Dax closed her eyes and let out a low moan, a sudden stillness sweeping over her. With absolute clarity, she saw the faces of Kahn's past hosts. Lowen, the first, who taught music at the National Conservatory; Raela and Imar, distinguished for their service in the Trill Navy; Nelani, noted scientist and beloved wife of Torias Dax; and finally Lenara. Not as she looked now, pale and weak, but healthy and strong and youthful, as she was when Dax first saw her on Deep Space Nine. Dax inhaled sharply and held it for a moment. She was filled with a sense of such consummate union, and, for a long time, sat there, one single tear running slowly down her cheek. When, at length, she opened her eyes, Jadzi was kneeling by the sofa, weeping softly into the lifeless body of her mother. Bejal was standing with his back turned, his fist pressed tightly to his mouth.

It was over.

Now, those in the room who had shared Lenara's life would have the bitter task of learning to live without her. And Dax, who had painfully learned to live with separation, would now know the perfect joy of togetherness. Lenara would now be as close to Dax as either of them had ever hoped or desired. It was, at last, the fulfillment of everything they had chosen to sacrifice. Dax reached over and gently laid her hand on Jadzi's head. At the touch, Jadzi gave a short, baffled cry and looked up at Dax in surprise.

"I...felt her...just now. When you touched me, it was my mother."

Dax nodded slowly and smiled. A radiant smile.

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