XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
SUBTEXT VIRTUAL SEASON

PRODUCTION #V1004
Hero Worship, on the Rocks

VIRTUAL AIRDATE
November 21, 2004

WRITTEN BY
Melissa Good

PRODUCED BY
Carol Stephens

DIRECTED BY
Denise Byrd

SCREENGRABS
Judi Mair

ARTWORK
Lucia

TITLE GRAPHIC
Linda (Calli)

Xena: Warrior Princess is a trademark and copyright of Universal/StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures.  This is a fan based not-for-profit work of fiction and is not intended to infringe upon their rights.

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST FOOTPATH - AFTERNOON

Xena and Gabrielle walk along a pretty forest path, flanked on both sides by wildflowers and tall trees. Birds are singing, and both women appear relaxed and happy.

Argo II ambles along behind them, head swinging back and forth as though she is appreciating the view as well. She nibbles a few wildflowers as she walks.

Gabrielle turns and walks backwards.

GABRIELLE
Xena, why can't everywhere we travel look like this?

XENA
Be careful.

Gabrielle laughs.

GABRIELLE
What I ask for?

XENA
That you don't trip on that ro....
(beat)
Sorry.

Gabrielle trips and almost falls, but manages to hop backwards and regain her balance. 

She shakes her finger at Xena.

GABRIELLE
Hey, I'm not the klutz I used to be.

Xena stops, plucks a small branch of wildflowers, and puts it behind Gabrielle's ear.

XENA
Nope. You're not.

Xena walks on, whistling. Gabrielle touches the flowers. There is a slightly puzzled look on her face. 

GABRIELLE
What exactly was that supposed to mean?

XENA
C'mon. 

Gabrielle follows Xena. She catches up and looks around.

GABRIELLE
We've never been here, have we?

XENA
No.

GABRIELLE
Have you?

XENA
No.

GABRIELLE
Are your leathers too tight again? I haven't had this much trouble getting chatter out of you for years. 

Xena looks at Gabrielle.

XENA
I'm trying to listen.

GABRIELLE
To what?

Xena stops and puts a hand on Gabrielle's shoulder. There is a brief silence, then the sound of yelling from a distance.

XENA
That.

GABRIELLE
It could just be a game of field ball.

The yells are repeated.

XENA
With us around?

GABRIELLE
Good point. Let's go.

Xena and Gabrielle take off at a run down the path. Argo watches them as she chews some wildflowers. She finishes the flowers, spits out a stalk, then trots after them.

CUT TO:

EXT. SMALL VILLAGE CENTRAL SQUARE - WATER WELL

A group of people are gathered around a large well. There is a lot of excitement evident. Some are waving their hands; some are calling out in alarm.

At the center of the crowd, an adolescent girl is standing, holding a long piece of reed she is sticking down into the well.

She is dressed in an odd ensemble of leather and fur, something that might possibly be considered armor-ish covering her torso.

GIRL
No! No! Wait! I'll save him!

An older woman is standing nearby.

OLD WOMAN
Girl! Stop! You'll kill 'em!

GIRL
No! I can do it!!

From inside the well, a yell is heard.

VOICE FROM WELL
Yelp! Ow! Yelp!

Xena and Gabrielle come racing into the village. They stop short, and look at the crowd.

They look at each other.

Xena heads for a nearby wagon. Gabrielle bolts for the well.

GIRL
Here! Hang on.... Oh! Oh, Sorry!

Gabrielle gets to the well and looks down it. She grabs the reed as the girl is about to poke downward again.

VOICE FROM WELL
Yelp! Ow! Ow!

GABRIELLE
Hold on. Give me that.

Gabrielle takes the reed.

GIRL
Wait.. Who are you? I'm saving him!

GABRIELLE
(calling down)
Hang on! Brace your feet against the wall!

GIRL
What are you doing? Give me that back!

The girl tries to take the reed from Gabrielle. Gabrielle evades her hands.

GABRIELLE
Look, go get that bucket, okay?

Gabrielle points. The girl hesitates, then runs for it.  Xena jumps up onto the wagon and whips out the chakram, cutting loose a coil of rope.

XENA
Gabrielle!

Gabrielle turns and holds her hand out without looking. Xena throws the coil of rope, and she catches it. Xena leaps off the wagon, somersaults in mid air and lands at Gabrielle's side just as the girl comes running back with the bucket.

The girl spots Xena and trips, going sprawling and dumping the bucket all over Xena.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Hey!

GIRL
Oh! Oh, sorry.... Uh... hey! Are you... uh... Xena?

Gabrielle lets the rope down the well. Xena ignores the girl and wraps the other end of the rope around the well support.

GABRIELLE
Grab that!

GIRL
Uh.... Hey! Hey!

GABRIELLE
Tie it around.... Yeah! That's it!

GIRL
Hey! Hey! Excuse me! Uh....

Xena sets herself.

XENA
Ready?

GABRIELLE
Go!

Xena starts pulling on the rope, hauling it hand over hand. The other villagers gather around, rooting her on.

OLD WOMAN
That's the ticket! Girl, get out of the way!

GIRL
But… but....

Gabrielle grabs hold of the young man at the end of the rope as he reaches the top of the well, pulling him up and over the edge.

GABRIELLE
You all right?

YOUNG MAN
Thanks to you! And uh....

He faces Xena.

YOUNG MAN
(cont’d)
Wow. Hi there.

Gabrielle rolls her eyes. Xena smirks.

XENA
How'd you fall in?

The young man turns and points at the girl.

YOUNG MAN
It was her! She pushed me!

Surprised, Xena and Gabrielle turn to look at the girl. The crowd gathers around, muttering. The girl starts to back away, then she turns and runs.

GABRIELLE
Wait!

The girl trips and falls flat on her face in a cloud of dust. The crowd rushes after her, yelling.

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other. Xena flicks a piece of wet hay from her arm.

XENA
Next time?

GABRIELLE
Yeah?

XENA
Tell me to block my ears.

GABRIELLE
You got it.

Xena and Gabrielle start after the crowd.

FADE OUT.

END TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. VILLAGE INN - SHORT TIME LATER

The girl stands surrounded by villagers, and flanked by older men and older women. The girl is scruffed up; the crowd has not been kind to her.

The old woman shakes a broom at her.

OLD WOMAN
I told you to leave it be! You're nothing but a foolish chit!

GIRL
It wasn't my fault! I was trying to help! Why can't you understand that?!

YOUNG MAN
Help? You tried to kill me!!

Xena and Gabrielle push forward through the crowd.

OLD WOMAN
You said yourself you pushed ‘em!

The girl breaks free from the older people who had been holding her arms.

GIRL
Not on PURPOSE!!!

OLD WOMAN
Shut up, girl!

Gabrielle pushes past two men.

GABRIELLE
Okay, just hang on a minute.

Xena follows Gabrielle into the open space.

OLD WOMAN
There's the ones what saved him.... You tell it, girls!

Both Xena and Gabrielle stop in mid step and look at the old woman with identical glares.

OLD WOMAN 
(cont’d)
What?

Gabrielle turns to the crowd.

GABRIELLE
Does anyone here really know what happened?

The crowd looks at each other, then at Gabrielle. They all shake their heads no.

GABRIELLE 
(Cont’d, to boy)
What about you?

The boy scratches his head.

BOY
Well, I was leaning over the well, and something hit me from behind and knocked me in.

He points at the girl.

BOY
(cont’d)
Next thing I know *SHE* starts trying to kill me with a stick!

GIRL
I was not! I was trying to save you, you ungrateful pig!

OLD WOMAN
I saw you hitting him!

The crowd starts to mutter. Sticks are raised. Stones are readied.

OLD WOMAN 
(cont’d)
I say, stone 'er! Always causing trouble she is!

CROWD
Yeah!

Gabrielle steps in front of them. Xena slowly removes the chakram from her hip and holds it in front of her, checking angles.

GABRIELLE
Hold on, hold on.... She wasn't really hitting him, sh....

GIRL
See! See! I told you!

The crowd stops and looks at Gabrielle.

OLD WOMAN
She wasn't?

GABRIELLE
Well no, not exactly. She....

The crowd breaks up, shaking their heads as they walk off.

Gabrielle’s voice trails off.

GABRIELLE 
(cont’d)
... was sort of just poking him in the head.

Xena sighs, and puts the chakram away, giving her fingers a snap. The girl is left standing there, facing Xena and Gabrielle.

GIRL
Wow. Thanks.

Gabrielle puts her hands on her hips.

GABRIELLE
What's your name?

GIRL
Selsha.

GABRIELLE
You should be more careful.

XENA
Yeah. And don't walk with full buckets.

She points at Gabriele.

SELSHA
But she told me to bring it.  

She looks at Xena.

SELSHA
(cont’d)
You're Xena, huh? Wow! This is amazing. I've been hearing stories about you all my life.

XENA
(deadpan)
Don't believe them.

SELSHA
(confidently)
I have to! I'm going to be just like you.

Gabrielle leans back against the fence, clearly enjoying Xena's reaction.

XENA
What?

SELSHA
(eagerly)
I am! I’m going to be a hero! Now that you're here, you can tell me how to do it!

Xena takes a step back. Gabrielle fights hard not to start laughing.  Selsha follows Xena.

XENA
Wait a minute.

SELSHA
What's that round thing?  Is that the chakram? Can I see it? Can I touch it? Oh wow....

Selsha reaches for the chakram. Xena hops out of the way.

XENA
Hey! Cut that out! You're gonna hurt yourself!

Selsha ignores the warning and keeps going, but collides with a barrel and falls over it, knocking the barrel over and sending it rolling towards Gabrielle, who jumps over it at the last moment. Selsha lands on her butt on the ground.

SELSHA
See? I could have knocked down a bad guy like that, huh? I’m a natural!

Xena looks at Gabrielle, who finds a fascinating leaf to examine somewhere.

SELSHA 
(cont’d)
Aren't I?

Xena shakes her head and walks off, grabbing Gabrielle as she goes by and taking her along too.

SELSHA 
(cont’d)
I am! I'll prove it to you!!!!

CUT TO:

INT. VILLAGE INN - DUSK

Xena and Gabrielle are sitting at a table near the back, mugs in front of them, and a couple of cleared plates pushed aside nearby.

Gabrielle picks up her mug and drinks from it. She chuckles.

XENA
That wasn't funny.

GABRIELLE
C'mon, Xena. You know it was.

The door to the inn opens and Selsha walks in, looking around obviously searching for them. She spots them and brightens, heading their way.

XENA
Oh, great.

GABRIELLE
(drolly)
Want me to put my plate in front of your face?

A woman comes out from the back and spots Selsha.

WOMAN
(yelling)
Selsha! Get in here! It's about time you got home!

Selsha looks crestfallen, but obeys, going to the door and disappearing.

GABRIELLE
(laughing)
Oooooh... and she's an innkeeper's daughter, too.

She pats Xena’s hand.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Just like you.

Xena covers her eyes with one hand.

XENA
Can we go find some other backwater town to terrorize?

GABRIELLE
(chuckling)
Aw, Xena, it's cute.

XENA
(miffed)
It's not cute. Little klutzy girls who think they can be heroes generally end up very dead, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle leans forward and rests her hands on the table.

GABRIELLE
(whispering)
I didn't.

Xena's eyes narrow. She puts one finger on Gabrielle's nose.

XENA
You had a special something.

GABRIELLE
Uh huh. You.

Xena drums her fingers on the table.

GABRIELLE 
(Cont’d, kindly)
Give it up. Even after all this time, you can't win an argument with me.

XENA
(drolly)
You done arguing?

She points at the door.

XENA
(cont’d)
I don't want to be out here if she comes back.

Gabrielle gets up, and Xena joins her. The door to the kitchen opens and Selsha appears, but as she is about to head for them, the front door opens and a man enters.

MAN
Help! Help! Our wagon overturned, and my wife is trapped!

SELSHA
Oh! Oh! I'll save her!

Selsha rushes out past the man, bumping him against the wall and knocking a plate down that falls on his head and shatters into pieces.

MAN
Ow!!!

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other, then turn and run after her.

CUT TO:

EXT. VILLAGE ROAD - EVENING

The road out of the village is lined with torches. On the lane leading to the inn, a large wagon sits on its side with two horses tangled in the traces. Boxes and bales of supplies are spilled everywhere.

Selsha rushes over and stops, unsure of what to do. She spots the merchant's wife under one corner.

SELSHA
Oh! There you are!

Selsha runs over to the woman, kicking one of the smaller boxes accidentally and smacking it into the woman's head.

WIFE
Help! Ouch! Ahh!!!

SELSHA
Sorry! Sorry. Grab my hand! I'll pull you out!

Selsha takes the woman's arm and starts pulling her with all her strength.

WIFE
No! Ahh!! Stop!!!  No!

Selsha keeps pulling.

SELSHA
Don't worry! I'll save you! I promise!

Xena and Gabrielle round the corner and see the scene. Xena removes the chakram from her hip and lets it fly. It bounces off a tree, then a fence, then the cart, then turns sideways and whacks Selsha on the side of the head. 
Selsha releases the woman and stumbles to one side.

Xena catches the chakram and puts it on her hip as she reaches the horses. She grabs the reins and yells, pulling the horses up.

Gabrielle grabs one of the poles off the gate and rushes to the wagon. She sticks the end of the pole under it as Xena shifts the horses.

XENA
Yeah!

GABRIELLE
Got it!

Xena has the horses shift the wagon again, and Gabrielle pushes the pole in further.  It lifts the wagon off the woman.

SELSHA
I'll get her! I'll get her!

Selsha rushes forward just as Gabrielle does, and they collide, sending them both sprawling into the dirt.

Gabrielle rolls to one side and gets up onto her knees, grabbing the woman by her tunic and sliding her out from under the wagon.

GABRIELLE
Okay!

Xena cuts the traces and frees the horses from the wagon.  Selsha gets up and runs over to her, carrying a piece of wood.

SELSHA
Oh! Can I help?

Selsha runs right into the rump of one horse, sticking it with the piece of wood as her feet get tangled in the traces Xena has just cut.

XENA
Look ou....

The horse bolts, dragging Selsha behind her.

SELSHA
Ahhhh!!!!!

Xena looks at Gabrielle. Gabrielle waves her on as she goes to check on the woman.

XENA
We're leaving! Tonight!

Xena turns and runs after the horses. After she disappears, there is the sound of a huge crash.

Then there is the sound of a lot of angry poultry.

Gabrielle winces.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. SMALL VILLAGE INN - EVENING

There is a cluster of utter chaos in front of the inn. Gabrielle is sitting on a crate of chickens, holding a handful of feathers. Xena is standing on another box, attempting to retrieve a chicken from the branches of a tree.

Selsha is standing near the door, facing the chicken keeper, the innkeeper, and several standers-by.

SELSHA
Look! I told you it wasn't my fault! Who told you to get in the way of that horse?

CHICKEN MAN
I was standing still!

SELSHA
Then you should have moved!

INNKEEPER
Selsha, go inside! You've caused enough trouble for one day!

SELSHA
But mom!

INNKEEPER
Now! Move it!

Selsha stomps inside, slamming the door. The vibration dislodges a pile of leaf debris on the roof, which falls down and covers the innkeeper.

INNKEEPER 
(cont’d)
Ahh! Ow Ow!

Bees fly out from the debris, buzzing angrily.

INNKEEPER 
(cont’d)
Ahh!

The innkeeper runs down the path, followed by the bees. The chicken man chases her.

CHICKEN MAN
Hey! Hey! You owe me dinars! Hey!

Xena climbs down from the tree with a chicken tucked under one arm. She hands Gabrielle the chicken and sits down next to her on the box.

XENA
If we leave now, there's a nice little cave we can get to before midnight.

GABRIELLE
Xena, I think some people here need our help.

XENA
It's got a thermal bath.

GABRIELLE
Hm.
(sighing)
Maybe if we talked to her it would help.

Xena rolls her eyes.

GABRIELLE  
(cont’d)
C'mon, Xena. She means well.

She puts the chicken down.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Let's go find her, and talk to her, and then we can....

XENA
Leave?

GABRIELLE
How about go to bed?

Xena looks up.

XENA
Little early for that, isn't it grandma?

Gabrielle sticks the handful of feathers down Xena's cleavage, fluffing them into a pretty fan over her breasts.

GABRIELLE
I said bed. Not sleep.

Gabrielle gets up and heads for the inn.  Xena looks down at the feathers, then looks around, with a smirk on her face. She stands up and follows Gabrielle, twirling one of the feathers between her fingers.

CUT TO:

INT. VILLAGE INN - NIGHT

Gabrielle walks down a dimly lit hallway, pausing to listen near a door. She knocks lightly.

GABRIELLE
Selsha?

There is no answer behind the door. Gabrielle waits briefly, then she opens the door.

GABRIELLE 
(cont’d)
Selsha, listen, I know you probably don't want to hear any preaching, but....

She looks around.

GABRIELLE 
(cont’d)
Oh.

The room is empty. Gabrielle walks inside. Xena follows her. The window is wide open, the shutter flapping in the breeze. A box of clothes is scattered on the floor.

XENA
Oh well. Too late. C'mon.

Xena hooks two fingers into the back of Gabrielle's belt and pulls.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

XENA
Yeeeesss?

Gabrielle leans forward against the pull and looks around. The room is obviously one of a young girl - there are dolls stacked in the corner, and attempts at artwork scattered around.

GABRIELLE
Hey, Xena?

XENA
What?

Gabrielle points at one of the artworks. It is a badly rendered almost stick figure of something that might have looked like Xena in another life.

Xena takes one look at it and pulls harder.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Now I know where to go if you run out of parchment. C’mon. We can talk to the kid tomorrow.

Gabrielle gives in.

GABRIELLE
All right.... And don't you even think about touching my parchment!

Gabrielle follows Xena out of the room.

CUT TO:

EXT. SMALL VILLAGE WELL - NIGHT

The moon has come out. Around the well, a group of young women have gathered, carrying buckets. They whisper together and giggle.

YOUNG WOMAN
Did you see the new blacksmith's apprentice? He's gorgeous!

2ND YOUNG WOMAN
Did I? My mother backed right into him!

Two of the women draw up a bucket of water.

YOUNG WOMAN
What did you think of those weird women who got Jevas out of there? Strange, huh?

2ND YOUNG WOMAN
Very.
(smirking)
Selsha's type.

The young women laugh knowingly. They dip their smaller buckets into the large one, oblivious of their surroundings.

YOUNG WOMAN
Maybe she should go with them. She'll never be anything but a laughingstock in this town.

2ND YOUNG WOMAN
I heard her mother saying she was thinking of marrying her off to Bruno the Pig man.

YOUNG WOMAN
Ha! Ha! Perfect!

Behind the women, dark shadows rise up and slowly surround them. The first young woman leans closer to the second.

YOUNG WOMAN 
(cont’d)
Did you hear what that short little one called the tall one though? You think it's true? That it's really....

The shadows jump out and descend on the women, who scream in terror.

SHADOW
C’mon, you pretty young things. We're gonna show you a good time!

YOUNG WOMAN
Help! Help!! Ahh!!

The thugs grab the young women and drag them towards waiting horses.

SHADOW
C'mon! Hurry! We've got business to take care of!

YOUNG GIRL
Help! Help! Ahh!!!

The thug throws her up onto his saddle and smacks her in the rear.

SHADOW
Relax, honey. You're gonna like it where I'm taking you!

The thugs all laugh. They ride off, with the girls thrown over their saddles.

It is quiet in the well clearing.

Slowly, a figure emerges from behind a tree. It is Selsha. She stands in the moonlight with a look of almost painful indecision.

On her back is a rough sack, with odds and ends sticking out of it.

Selsha clenches her hands into fists, turns, starts to walk back the other way.

She stops just outside the well clearing. She turns.

SELSHA
I'll show them! I will!

Selsha runs after the horses, into the night.

CUT TO:

INT. VILLAGE INN - PRIVATE ROOM - NIGHT - SOME TIME LATER

Xena and Gabrielle sit facing each other on the bed. Between them is a small board, with playing pieces on it.

Xena studies the board, then moves a piece. She reaches over and picks up a goblet, takes a sip, puts it back down.

XENA
Your move.

Gabrielle has her chin resting on her fist. She studies the board. She reaches out, hesitates, moves a piece.

GABRIELLE
You're gonna lose that one.

Xena moves a piece.

XENA
You think so?

Gabrielle jumps her piece over Xena's piece, and captures it.

GABRIELLE
I think so.

XENA
Wench.

Gabrielle sits back and waits, crossing her arms.

GABRIELLE
Well?

Xena's eyes narrow. She makes a show of removing one of her arm bands, and tosses it across the room.

Gabrielle smirks.

XENA
Happy?

GABRIELLE
(tossing piece)
I will be... soon.

XENA
Remember, you've got less to take off than I do.

Xena moves a piece, jumps a piece of Gabrielle's, and picks up the piece. Xena grins. Gabrielle removes one of her silver bicep bands and throws it, ringing one of her sais sticking out of her boots already on the floor.

Xena's boots are already there also, along with one knee armor.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Nice.

Gabrielle studies the board. She moves a piece. Xena moves another piece, and captures one of Gabrielle's.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Now that's more like it.

Gabrielle removes the other arm band and tosses it.

GABRIELLE
What do you think we should tell Selsha?

XENA
Find a trade or marry someone sturdy.

GABRIELLE
Xena.

XENA
You asked.

Gabrielle studies the board. She chews her lip.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Give up?

Gabrielle scowls. She looks up towards the window.

GABRIELLE
Did you hear something out there?

Xena rolls her eyes.

XENA
Gabrielle, that one's older than...

She pauses to listen.

XENA
(cont’d)
Bacchae.

Xena and Gabrielle get up and go to the window. Xena opens the shutters and they look out.

MAN
Alarm! Alarm! Everyone! Get up! Our children! Our children have been stolen from us!

The doors open around the town and people come rushing out.

INNKEEPER
What? What? What are you saying?

MAN
My daughter! All our daughters! They're gone! Gone!

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other.

XENA
Raincheck?

GABRIELLE
Looks like it.

CUT TO:

EXT. SMALL VILLAGE WELL - NIGHT

The entire village is gathered around the well. Everyone is upset, frantic, and milling around. Xena is kneeling on the ground looking at some marks.

Gabrielle keeps the crowd back away from her.

GABRIELLE
How many are missing?

MAN
Six!

INNKEEPER
Seven! My Selsha is gone as well!

MAN
Who’s to say she didn't just wander off? I'm sure no one took her!

WOMAN
Yeah!

Gabrielle's eyes narrow.  She looks back to Xena.

GABRIELLE
So we have seven people missing.  Xena?

XENA
Horses. Eight of ‘em, men riding.

Xena wipes her hands off.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Have there been attacks like this before?

The villagers look at each other, then shake their heads.

INNKEEPER
Well....

The villagers all look at the innkeeper.

INNKEEPER 
(cont’d)
There were these guys the other night who said they were outlaws.

MAN
OUTLAWS!!!

INNKEEPER
Yeah, something about murders... and a price on their heads.

Gabrielle waves her hands.

GABRIELLE
And you just... thought that was okay?

INNKEEPER
(shrugging)
Paid their bill.

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other.

XENA
That's what you get from family trees with no branches, Gabrielle. Let that be a lesson to you.

INNKEEPER
What?

Gabrielle backs towards Xena.

GABRIELLE
She's just being hypothetical, aren't you, Xena?

Xena puts her fingers between her teeth and whistles loudly.

XENA
Let's go. We can catch them if we move fast.

Argo gallops up, already saddled and bridled and with Xena and Gabrielle's gear packed on her back.

Gabrielle does a double take, then looks puzzled.

GABRIELLE
How did she...?

Xena jumps into the saddle, and extends a hand to Gabrielle.

MAN
Wait.... What are you going to do? What can you do against thieves and murderers?!

Gabrielle climbs up in back of Xena.

GABRIELLE
Don't worry. We'll get your girls back. You can count on us.

MAN
Yeah, that's what that crazy girl of hers is always saying! And it's always a disaster!

Xena and Gabrielle ride off, as the villagers yell after them.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST - THUG'S CAMP - NIGHT

It’s a large clearing in the center of the forest. On one side is a corral for horses. Around a central fire pit are lean-tos, rough shelters where men loll around, drinking from cups and horns.

Near the edge of the camp is a tree, and the six girls from the village are tied around it, trussed like turkeys and gagged. They appear petrified.

Boxes are stacked under another tree, items spilling out of them obviously plundered from traveling merchants. A few kegs of ale sit near the boxes, and weapons are lying around or propped up against trees and boxes everywhere.
Near the fire, two men are sparring. One slips and the other punches him, then kicks him into the fire. The man rolls away from the flames, his pants alight.

MAN
Ahhh!!!!

The crowd of watching thugs laughs.  One kicks the burning man as he rolls past.

KICKING THUG
Hope you burn to a crisp, you lousy bastard! You'd smell better!

The leader of the thugs swaggers over to the tree, circling the girls with a leer.

LEADER
Now that's a fine catch!

The girls struggle and try to scream through their gags.

KICKING THUG
Hey boss, we gonna draw straws this time, or what?

The leader sticks his thumbs in his belt. The rest of the men gather around, some actually drooling as they watch the struggling women.

LEADER
(smugly)
I may try ‘em all out first.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - OUTSIDE THUG'S CAMP - NIGHT

Selsha crawls under a bush, peering out from the bottom branches. She is covered in dirt, muck, forest debris, etc. Her clothes are torn, and there are several scratches on her face.

She looks around. She spots the boxes stacked up near the tree. With a determined expression, she starts crawling forward.

A branch gets caught on her belt, and the bush starts moving with her.

Selsha feels the pull, frowns, moves forward. The bush pulls back.

SELSHA
Oh my gosh!

Selsha panics, tugging and crawling forward frantically, dragging the bush branches after her.

The bush reaches the end of its floral tensile strength and snaps back, pulling Selsha with it into the depths of the interior of the bush.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - THUG'S CAMP - NIGHT

The men are hooting and hollering, poking the girls and making rude comments.

THUG 1
Hey baby.... You're gonna make me real happy tonight, ain'tcha!?

The leader hears a noise.

LEADER
Hey! You hear that?

THUG 1
All I hear is this little piggy a squealin’!

The leader steps away from the tree where the girls are and walks closer to the provision area, listening intently.

He walks underneath a tree limb and stops, squinting and staring into the underbrush.

LEADER
Who's there! Hello? Hey! I'm gonna kill you if you don't come out!

Very slowly, behind him, Xena emerges from the tree, hanging upside down from the limb.

LEADER 
(cont’d)
Hey! I said come out!

Xena opens both her arms wide and slams her hands together, smacking the leader on either side of his head.

LEADER 
(cont’d)
I sai....

The leader drops to the ground, senseless. Xena pulls herself back up into the tree and disappears.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - THUG'S CAMP - TREE - NIGHT

Xena stands up on the limb. Gabrielle stands next to her.

XENA
One down.

GABRIELLE
Xena, we have to hurry up. Those guys aren't going to wait much longer.

Xena walks along the branch towards the end of it. The limb starts to dip towards the ground.

XENA
All right. You ready? I'll keep ‘em busy, you cut the girls loose.

GABRIELLE
(nodding)
Right. Then we go for the horses... you think you can get them to ride?

XENAThey'll ride one way or the other.

Xena gets ready to jump. Gabrielle follows her. The limb starts to bow in earnest.

GABRIELLE
Hope this tree forgives us.

Xena jumps off the branch, followed by Gabrielle. The tree limb springs back, seemingly in great relief.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - THUG'S CAMP - NIGHT

The first thug takes out his belt knife and approaches the girls. He looks behind him.

THUG 1
Boss around?

The thugs all look around them furtively. They do not spot the leader, lying under the tree between the boxes.

THUG 2
Musta gone to take a leak.

The men laugh.

THUG 1
Maybe he couldn't uh....

He mimes a stick or other long straight object.

THUG 1
(cont’d)
Y'know!

The men all laugh again.

THUG 2
Well, I’m taking some, Hades with him.

The men rush towards the tree. The girls scream into their gags and struggle wildly.

Xena and Gabrielle drop into the firelight and race towards them.

XENA
YeeeahhhH!!!

GABRIELLE
Hey! Hey! Leave them alone!

The men whirl and spot Xena and Gabrielle.  They grab for their weapons and run to confront them.

THUG 1
Who the Hades are you?!

THUG 2
Get out of our camp!

Xena roundhouse kicks Thug 1, sending him flying into the bushes. She draws her sword and meets Thug 2, engaging him in a fight as three or four other thugs run towards her with axes and knives.

Gabrielle races past towards the girls, but she stops as she sees two more thugs run from the behind the tree towards Xena with long lances in their hands.

GABRIELLE
Xena! Look out!

Xena turns and spots the two men. She leaps up and kicks the ends of the long lances down as the men run forward, slamming the points into the ground and catapulting the two men over her head and into the fire pit.

XENA
Thanks!

Gabrielle runs towards the girls. She draws out a small knife and starts to cut them free.

GABRIELLE
Take it easy! We're going to get you out of here!

Xena slams her elbow into a thug who is about to jump on her back. She kicks a second in the knee, and punches a third in the jaw.

Gabrielle finishes cutting the girls free, and urges them forward.

GABRIELLE 
(cont’d)
Go for the horses! Hurry!

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - OUTSIDE THUG'S CAMP - NIGHT

Selsha finally untangles herself from the bush and scrambles forward, sticking her head out and stopping as she spots Xena and Gabrielle fighting the thugs.

She watches Xena throw a thug over her shoulder, while at the same time, kick back and nail another one in the throat. Both thugs hit the ground and stay there.

SELSHA
Wow.

The girls start to run away from the tree. Selsha looks over at them, spotting Gabrielle herding them away.

SELSHA 
(cont’d)
Oh. I can help... they can see how good I am!

Selsha gets up and runs towards the girls. The leader is in the way, groggily getting to his feet. Selsha runs right over him, stepping on his stomach on her way towards Gabrielle.

LEADER
Hey! Ow!

Selsha ignores him.  She runs past. The leader gets up and grabs for his weapons.

SELSHA
Gabrielle!

Gabrielle turns and sees Selsha. Her eyes widen and she starts to run towards her.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - THUG'S CAMP - TREE

Xena kicks the last thug and runs after the girls, losing sight of Gabrielle as the horses mill around in the excitement.

XENA
Get on! Hurry!

GIRL
We can't! Oh!

Xena throws the girl up onto the horse's back.

XENA
Sure you can. Just hang on!

Xena puts another girl on a second horse. She slaps the first horse on the rump and it runs off. Xena looks over her shoulder, but the thugs are still out for the count.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE 
(voice over)
Hang on! Got a problem!

Xena puts two more girls up, and ducks under the horses' stomach to look for Gabrielle. Too many horses are still in the way.

XENA
Move it!

Xena grabs two of the remaining girls and puts them up on one horse together.

GIRL
Oh! It's... I can ride!

XENA
Good! Head for home!

Xena slaps the horse on the rear, and it bolts. The horse runs out of the camp and the rest of the horses follow it, thundering past the trees and leaving them behind.

XENA 
(Cont’d, looking around)
Love it when the damn plan works right for a... change.

Xena brushes her hands off and turns to find Gabrielle. She sees Gabrielle rushing towards Selsha and looks past her, spotting the leader.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Gab...NO!!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - THUG'S CAMP - TREE

Gabrielle runs towards Selsha, waving her hands.

GABRIELLE
Get down! Get down!

SELSHA
What? Why?

Behind Selsha, the leader of the thugs releases a hand ax aimed at her back.

Gabrielle dives at Selsha, knocking her to the ground as the ax flies over their heads.

SELSHA 
(cont’d)
Ow! Hey! What'dja do that for!

Gabrielle draws her sais as she rolls away from Selsha and gets to her feet, just in time to meet the leader charging at her with a two handed broadsword.

Selsha whirls and gasps. She looks around, spots a stick and grabs it, then runs towards Gabrielle and the leader.

SELSHA 
(cont’d)
Oh!  Oh! I'll help! Oh!

Gabrielle deflects the leader's sword with her sai and ducks under his arm. She kicks him in the gut as he lunges past, then turns to meet him as he staggers around.

Gabrielle spots Selsha approaching. She waves her off, but Selsha ignores her and swings her pole at the leader's back.

The leader catches sight of her from the corner of his eye and turns, grabbing the pole and raising his sword as he pulls Selsha towards him.

LEADER
Stupid bitch!

Gabrielle leaps forward and grabs the leader, swinging him around and throwing her body to one side, knocking him off balance.

GABRIELLE
Hah! You scummy....

Xena is racing forward towards them.

Selsha tries to grab the leader, but ends up grabbing Gabrielle's arm instead, pulling her sai to one side and out of position just as the leader swings his sword towards her.

GABRIELLE 
(cont’d)
Hey!

SELSHA
Oh!

Selsha stumbles back, right into Xena, blocking her.

Gabrielle gets her other sai up, but not in time and the leader's sword blade plunges into her side, a splash of rich, red blood erupting into the air.

Xena throws Selsha out of the way and goes for the leader, who pulls his sword back for another strike.

GABRIELLE
Xe....

Gabrielle collapses to the ground as Xena meets the leader's sword with hers, driving through his guard and sending the blade flying off in another direction.

XENA
Auuugh!!!

The leader takes a step back, but Xena comes after him, plunging her sword into his chest up to the hilts. She yanks her sword back out and turns as he falls, dropping on her knees beside Gabrielle.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Easy.

Gabrielle is holding her side. Blood is leaking out from between her fingers, and she is very pale.

GABRIELLE
Damn! I should have ducked when I....
(wincing)
Ow.

Selsha gets to her hands and knees, staring at Gabrielle.

SELSHA
Oh... I'm.... Sorry.

Xena and Gabrielle ignore her completely. Gabrielle tries to get up, but falls back, her face tense in pain. Xena gently pulls Gabrielle's hand away from the cut in her side, and her eyes widen in dismay.

XENA
Oh, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
(wanly)
You know me. Never do things half way.

Xena presses Gabrielle's hand against the cut again. She looks around quickly, judging the now stirring men.

XENA
Gotta get you out of here.... Here... can you get your arm around my neck? Yeah.

Xena picks Gabrielle up in her arms, cradling her. She looks around. The thugs are starting to regain consciousness. 
Selsha gets to her feet.

SELSHA
Uh... I... um... can I help... uh... you?

Xena looks at her, and if looks could kill nearly as well as Xena could, Selsha would have been instant sushi.

XENA
Stay here and keep these guys occupied.
(beat)
Hero.

Gabrielle lifts her head.

GABRIELLE
Xena. Don't.

Selsha looks shattered.

SELSHA
I... I didn't mean to....

Xena looks merely disgusted.

XENA
C'mon. Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll all have amnesia.

Xena crosses the campsite and ducks between the trees. Selsha follows hesitantly, and they disappear just as the first of the thugs struggles to his feet.

THUG 1
Hey!

THUG 2
Wow... what'd we get hit with?

THUG 1
Dunno.... But we better go hunt it down and kill it before it hits us again!

The thugs get to their feet, and start looking around. One finds the leader's body.

THUG 2
Lookit this! He got axed by some... some... woman!

THUG 1
We'll get ‘em! Word gets around we got beat by some woman, we're toast!

The thugs fan out and start to search.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

INT. SHALLOW CAVE - SHORT TIME LATER

Gabrielle is lying near the back wall of a shallow cave. Nearby, a very small fire is burning, its light reflecting off Xena's face as she holds a blade in it.

Selsha is pressed against the far wall. She appears frightened and very upset.

GABRIELLE
Xena?

XENA
Shh. Lay still.

Gabrielle is doing just that.

GABRIELLE
Maybe you should get Selsha home.

XENA
Maybe you should shut up.

Xena finishes heating the blade. She turns and kneels at Gabrielle's side. Gabrielle looks at her. Xena puts her hand on Gabrielle's shoulder.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Want the good news, or the bad news?

The sound of shouting comes from outside. They stop to listen, then Xena returns her attention to Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Bad news is it's still bleeding.

XENA
I know. I'm gonna have to stitch it up.

GABRIELLE
So what's the good news?

XENA
I sew better than you do.

The sound of shouting becomes louder.

SELSHA
Is... that them? Looking for us?

XENA
(coldly)
Yes.

SELSHA
Should I... Uh....

Xena turns and looks at her.

XENA
Just stay where you are and be quiet.

Gabrielle puts her hand on Xena's knee.  Xena turns back to her.

GABRIELLE
I can run if I have to.

XENA
No you can't.

GABRIELLE
Yes, I can.

Xena appears frustrated, angry, upset, worried and expresses all of these things with a simple narrowing of her eyes and twitch of her lips.

GABRIELLE 
(cont’d)
Okay, I'll shut up. Give me a piece of your armor so I can bite down on it and let's get this over with.

Xena gives Gabrielle a bit of leather, which she puts in her mouth.

XENA
Get ready.

SELSHA
Is there anything I can do? I'm really sorry.

Gabrielle takes the leather out of her mouth.

GABRIELLE
Just be really quiet so they don't hear us. Okay?

Selsha looks uneasy.

SELSHA
Okay.

Gabrielle puts the leather back in her mouth, and feels around the ground, finding a piece of wood and closing her hand around it.

Xena removes the bloody cloth from the slash on Gabrielle's side. It is bleeding profusely.

XENA
I'm starting.

Gabrielle closes her eyes. Xena uses the tip of the knife to make holes on either side of the gash. Every time she cuts into Gabrielle's skin, she flinches, but makes no sound.

Selsha watches, horrified.

SELSHA
Isn't that making it worse?

Xena ignores her. She puts the knife down and picks up some stringy gut. With one hand, she pinches closed the bleeding cut, and with the other, she threads the gut through the holes she's made, drawing the gut tight and closing the gash.

Outside, the sounds of pursuit are coming closer. Xena hears them, but her hands never waver.

XENA
Almost done.

Gabrielle still has her eyes closed. She is almost still, but her jaw muscles are quivering slightly.

Xena puts in her last knot, cutting the excess gut with the knife and putting them both down.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Done.

Gabrielle opens her eyes and blinks.  The sounds of the men following them are right outside. Gabrielle looks at Xena.

XENA 
(cont’d)
I'm going to lead them off. Be right back.

GABRIELLE
(hoarsely)
Promise?

Xena pats her gently on the cheek before standing up and heading for the entrance to the cave. She pauses before she exits, listens, then slips out and disappears.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

Xena stops and hides behind a tree. A moment later, two of the thugs appear, holding torches.

THUG 1
There's the tracks! They went this way for sure.

THUG 2
There's blood too. I knew one of ‘em was hurt!

Xena growls. She steps from behind the tree into their path.

XENA
Hello, boys. Looking for me?

THUG 2
There she is! Get her!

THUG 1
Hey guys! Over here! Over here! We got one!

Xena ducks behind the tree and breaks into a run. The thugs follow her, yelling.

THUG 2
Over here! C'mon! Get the dogs!

Three or four other thugs join them in the chase.

CUT TO:

INT. SHALLOW CAVE - SAME TIME

Gabrielle manages to roll onto her side and prop herself up on one elbow. She spits out the leather - it is bitten through.  She releases the wood in her hand - it is cracked in several places and falls apart as she opens her fingers.

Selsha cautiously crawls over to her.

SELSHA
I'm sorry you got hurt but I was just trying to help.

Gabrielle removes a splinter from her palm with her teeth, and spits it out across the cave.

GABRIELLE
I know that.

SELSHA
(glumly)
Xena doesn't.

GABRIELLE
She knows that.
(wincing)
Ow. Or you'd be hurting more than I am.

Selsha looks at Gabrielle.

SELSHA
What does that mean?

GABRIELLE
Never mind.

Gabrielle painfully pulls her sais from her boots and sets them down in front of her.

SELSHA
What's that for?

GABRIELLE
In case they find us.

Gabrielle slowly drags herself up to a sitting position, putting her back to the cave wall and leaning back. She is breathing heavily.

SELSHA
It really hurts, huh?

GABRIELLE
Yeah.

Gabrielle shifts a little and picks up one sai, curling her fingers around it. She looks at Selsha thoughtfully.

GABRIELLE 
(cont’d)
Comes with doing what we do, though.

Selsha's eyes widen.

SELSHA
You mean... getting hurt? That happens?

GABRIELLE
(wryly)
All the time.

Selsha sits back, with a look of consternation.

SELSHA
But... but you're a hero. Heroes aren't supposed to get hurt.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT - SAME TIME

Xena leads the thugs on a merry chase.  She runs past a rock wall and stops, hiding behind it. The first thug chasing her runs past, and she grabs him by the arm, swinging him around to hit face first into the rock.

The thug slides down to the ground. Xena waits for the second thug, drawing her fist back and slugging him when he comes even with the wall.

Xena jumps over his body and runs the other direction, waving at the thugs still chasing her.

XENA
You couldn't catch a three legged cow!

The thugs yell back at her and run faster. One throws an ax. Xena catches it, and throws it back. She pins the thug to a tree, his feet keep moving but he does not.

Xena laughs, and keeps running.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - OUTSIDE SMALL CAVE - NIGHT

Three of the thugs have given up on the chase.

THUG 3
Hades with her. Let's go have some beer.

THUG 4
Yeah.

The three men walk through the forest. Only one has a torch. The man with the torch stops to look at something, the other two walk on.

THUG 3
Hey, c'mon, man. Keep up!

THUG 4
Hey, look over there.

The number 4 thug points through the trees. Between the branches, they can see the faintest flicker of fire.

THUG 3
What's that?

THUG 4
Let's go see.

The men head towards the fire.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT - SAME TIME

Xena charges up a slope, the thugs right at her heels. The moon comes out and outlines all of them, almost dazzling in its brightness.

THUG 1
Hey! Stop! Stop! Or I'll....

XENA
Or you'll what, crap for brains?

THUG 1
Auuggh!! I'm gonna kill you!

Xena leads them up a path, and then she stumbles, making them yell in excitement. They reach out to grab her as she leads them around a corner.

Xena leaps into the air and catches hold of a hanging branch, swinging around and out over a sheer cliff.

The thugs pile after her, right off the end of the cliff without even a pause.

THUG 1 
(cont’d)
Ahhhh!!! Ahhhh!!!!

THUG 2
Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Xena pulls herself onto the branch and watches them fall, counting under her breath.

XENA
Six, seven, eight, nine.... Nine. Damn it!

Xena runs down the branch and jumps to the ground, heading off at a dead run.

CUT TO:

INT. SHALLOW CAVE - NIGHT - SAME TIME

Gabrielle holds her sais in her hands, the points resting on the ground. Selsha is sitting cross-legged next to her.

SELSHA
I never thought being a hero would be so hard. So dangerous.

GABRIELLE
Neither did I.

SELSHA
What?

GABRIELLE
When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be was a great warrior. Someone who people told stories about to their children.

SELSHA
But... I thought you....

GABRIELLE
I thought if I could find someone to teach me how, I'd have it made.

SELSHA
So what happened?

GABRIELLE
I found someone.

Gabrielle pauses and listens.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
And she taught me what it was to be a warrior.

Gabrielle slowly gets up onto her knees.

SELSHA
Where are you going?

GABRIELLE
Get over near the wall behind me.

SELSHA
Why?

The sound of crackling branches is heard very close outside.

THUG 3 
(voice over)
Hey look.... It's a cave!

THUG 4 
(voice over)
Let's check it out!

Gabrielle struggles to her feet, facing the cave entrance. Selsha huddles against the wall, wide eyed.

SELSHA
(whispering)
What are you going to do?

Gabrielle manages a brief smile.

GABRIELLE
Whatever I have to.

The two thugs appear in the cave entrance.

THUG 3
Well, well. Lookie yere.
 
THUG 4
I knew leaving those jokers behind was the right choice! Let's get ‘em!

Thug 3 lunges for Gabrielle, swiping at her with a club. Gabrielle manages to stop the swing, but at great cost. Her cut breaks partly open and she gasps.

The thug slams her against the wall and grabs one sai, twisting it out of her hand.

SELSHA
(screaming)
Ahhhhh!!! Ahhh! Help!!!!

Gabrielle shoves the thug back, but she drops to one knee as he bounces back. She grips her sai with both hands and makes her stand, putting her body between the thug and Selsha.

The thug grins and knocks Gabrielle's sai aside with a hand ax, reaching for her and lifting the ax for a second blow right at Gabrielle's head.

A whispering sound cuts through the air, and the thug jerks, then stiffens, his fingers twitching and his eyes bulging out of his head.

The thug falls forward onto Gabrielle, but he is literally a dead weight.

SELSHA 
(Cont’d, screaming)
AhhhhH!!!

A shadow fills the entrance to the cave. There is a man's scream outside, then Xena enters.

SELSHA 
(cont’d)
Oh!

Xena pulls the dead thug off Gabrielle and tosses him to one side. Gabrielle groans, and drops her sai.

GABRIELLE
Xena.

Xena sits down on the ground and takes Gabrielle into her arms, cradling Gabrielle against her chest.

XENA
(whispering)
Too damn close.

Xena is covered in blood. She leans back against the wall, and stares over at Selsha.

Selsha swallows.

SELSHA
I don't think I wanna be a hero anymore.

Gabrielle is obviously in a lot of pain.

GABRIELLE
Me either.

She pats Xena's chest.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
How bout you, Xena?

Xena rests her cheek against Gabrielle's hair.

XENA
Let's get out of here. We can talk about heroes later.

GABRIELLE
Sounds like a great plan to me.

Xena stands up. She picks up Gabrielle and walks out of the cave, Selsha following meekly behind.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT FOUR

TAG

INT. VILLAGE INN - PRIVATE ROOM - MORNING

Gabrielle is propped up in bed, writing on a piece of parchment. The windows are open, and it is sunny and breezy outside.

Gabrielle pauses in her writing and glances out the window, smiles, then goes back to writing.

At the side of the bed is Xena's pack, with a roll of bandage half hanging out of it.  Next to the bed is a small table, on which rests a pitcher with a single pink and orange rose in it.

Someone knocks at the door. Gabrielle looks up again.

GABRIELLE
Come in.

The door opens, and Selsha enters. She is now dressed in a relatively demure dress and apron, and looks more like an innkeeper than a wild child.

SELSHA
Hi. Mind if I come in and talk to you?

GABRIELLE
Never.

Gabrielle puts her parchment down. Selsha sits down gingerly on the chair near the bed.

SELSHA
How's your cut?

Gabrielle looks down at herself. Her middle is wrapped in perhaps a bit too much bandage.

GABRIELLE
Not too bad. It'll make an interesting scar. Show and tell for the story.

Selsha winces.

SELSHA
I never thought being a hero was like that.  Why do you do it?

Gabrielle twirls the quill she'd been writing with in her fingers.

GABRIELLE
Why? Hmm. I guess because someone has to, don't they?

Selsha looks puzzled.

SELSHA
I don't get it. You wander around and get hurt all the time, with grumpy old Xena. What's in it for you?

Gabrielle looks at her parchment, then she looks at the pitcher, with its flower, then she looks at Selsha.

GABRIELLE
Everything.

Selsha gets up.

SELSHA
You're a little nutty. No offense.

GABRIELLE
None taken.

SELSHA
And I'm really sorry about the fight and all. I hope you feel better soon.

Selsha goes to the door and opens it, turning to face Gabrielle.

SELSHA 
(cont’d)
Good luck.

Gabrielle lifts her hand and waves. Selsha leaves, shaking her head.

Gabrielle folds her hands on her lap and turns her head to look at the window. Xena is on the outside, leaning against the window sill and watching her.

XENA
Everything?

Gabrielle nods. Xena jumps through the window and sits down on the edge of the bed. Gabrielle reaches out to take Xena's hand in hers.

GABRIELLE
(seriously)
Everything.

XENA
You are a little nutty.

GABRIELLE
Does that make you a big nutty?

They both laugh, and Xena sprawls across the bed, tossing aside the parchment.

XENA
Thought I was grumpy old Xena.

GABRIELLE
(snickering)
I should have told her where the rose came from.

Xena picks up the quill and threatens Gabrielle with it.

XENA
Don't wreck my image, bard.

They both laugh again, and we - 

FADE OUT.

DISCLAIMER
Gabrielle's macha was not harmed in the making of this motion picture, but she will never turn down breakfast in bed if you offer.