ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. CLEARING - DAY

Still standing safely behind her taller partner, Gabrielle looks back at the young woman.

GABRIELLE

(kindly)

I’m sorry, but you’ve made a mistake.

Getting to her feet, the woman smiles at Gabrielle and rushes forward.

WOMAN

No! You’re wrong!  This is Leah! Her
painting hangs in a place of honor in
our temple!  We’d know it anywhere!

(to Xena)

And now she has answered our prayers
and returned you to us.  Praise Hestia!

VIRGINS

Praise Hestia!  Praise Hestia!

Xena rolls her eyes.

WOMAN

Please, Priestess. You must cover your modesty.
Anteia, get her gown and bring it here.

The woman reaches them and throws herself at Xena, wrapping her in a fervent embrace.

WOMAN

I’ll protect your virtue, Priestess.

Xena stares down at the woman’s head, one eyebrow raised high. 

Gabrielle, a frown creasing her brow, straightens and steps out from behind Xena, tapping the young woman on the shoulder.

GABRIELLE

Excuse me….

The woman stares wide-eyed at Gabrielle’s nakedness.

WOMAN

Sweet Hestia!  Both of you!

Reaching out, the woman grabs Gabrielle’s arm and pulls her in tightly.

Gabrielle shoots Xena a beseeching gaze.

XENA

(smoothly)

That’s enough.

Plucking the woman’s arms from around them both, Xena gently pushes her away.

Reaching down, she retrieves a square of linen from the ground and hands it to Gabrielle to dry herself.

Another VIRGIN, ANTEIA, approaches with Xena’s LEATHERS in her hands.

ANTEIA

Someone has stolen her gown, Vesta.
All I could find was this… this… thing.

Xena plucks her leathers from the Virgin’s tight grip, scowling.

XENA

My partner told you that I wasn’t
Leah, and she doesn’t lie.

(beat)

My name… is Xena.

The woman, Vesta, stares.

VESTA

That’s impossible!  The painting!

XENA

… is of Leah.  I’m not her.

ANTEIA

(to Vesta)

Perhaps she was hit on the head?

VESTA

Perhaps.  Perhaps.

She reaches for Xena head.  Xena dodges.

ANTEIA

We could take her to the temple with us.
Surely Hestia would cure one who served her so well.

VESTA

An excellent idea, Anteia!

(to Xena)

Come with us, Priestess.
Hestia will make you well again.

VIRGINS

Praise Hestia!  Praise Hestia!

Gabrielle, who has just finished dressing, approaches the small group.

GABRIELLE

All right.  That’s enough.
This isn’t Leah.  This is Xena.

The Virgins stare at one another, then at Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

The Warrior Princess?

The Virgins continue to stare.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

Oh boy.

ANTEIA

(to Vesta)

Perhaps she was accosted as well?

VESTA

Poor, poor dear.  And so young, too.

(beat)

Come, Virgins!  We will take our wounded
sisters to the temple so that Hestia
may return their senses to them!

The Virgins rush forward, intent on surrounding the duo.

The air is pierced by Xena’s battle cry.  She leaps up into the air, and tucks into a somersault.  She lands, draws her sword, twirls it from hand to hand, and reseats it. Then she grabs Gabrielle, gives her a sound kiss, and pulls away.

The Virgins faint.

GABRIELLE

(smirking)

That’s one way to prove a point.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CLEARING - DAY

The Virgins, now recovered, mill in a tight circle, occasionally shooting mistrustful glances at Xena and Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE

You want to take this one?

XENA

No, no.  Please, be my guest.

GABRIELLE

Gee.  Thanks.

Dusting her hands off on her skirt, Gabrielle approaches the Virgins, who stare at her and begin to back away.  Gabrielle holds up her hands.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

I’m not going to hurt you.

(beat)

Maybe we can help.

VESTA

Who says we need your help?

GABRIELLE

Well… nobody, really.
But you’re Virgins, unescorted, in the
forest miles from the nearest temple.

(beat)

Are you lost?

VESTA

We’re not lost.

GABRIELLE

Okay, then.
Well, good luck on your journey.

She turns to leave.

ANTEIA

Wait!

VESTA

Anteia!

ANTEIA

(loudly whispering)

Vesta, we need help.

VESTA

Yes, but not from them!

ANTEIA

Better them than those
men who attacked us!

Gabrielle turns.

GABRIELLE

You were attacked?
When?  Where?

Anteia shrugs from Vesta’s grip and steps forward.

ANTEIA

We’ve been called by our sisters at the
Hestian Temple in Thebes to meet our
new High Priestess. Yesterday, we were
accosted by a band of men.  They said
they wanted to sell us as slaves!

GABRIELLE

How did you get away?

ANTEIA

Hestia saved us!

VIRGINS

Praise Hestia!  Praise Hestia!
Praise Hestia!!

Gabrielle looks at Xena over her shoulder.  She looks back at the Virgins.

GABRIELLE

(slowly)

How did Hestia save you?

ANTEIA

They took our sacramental wine, and
after they drank it, Hestia put a spell
on them and made them fall asleep!

VIRGINS

Praise Hestia!  Praise Hestia!!

GABRIELLE

Oookay….
Would… you excuse me a minute?

VIRGINS

Praise Hestia!  Praise Hestia!!

Rubbing her chin, Gabrielle returns to Xena’s side.

GABRIELLE

And I thought Leah was strange.

XENA

Hard to believe she was
the best of the bunch.

GABRIELLE

Looks like another job for the
Warrior Princess and Battling Bard, huh?

XENA

Mm.

GABRIELLE

So much for having a nice,
quiet day to ourselves.

Xena pulls a dinar from her cleavage and flips it in the air.

XENA

Heads or tails?

GABRIELLE

Tails.

Xena flips the coin and catches it, then displays the results on the back of her hand.

XENA

Heads it is.  I’ll backtrack to the bad guys.
You escort the Virgins to their temple.

GABRIELLE

(muttering)

It’s not fair.  You always get to
track the bad guys, and I always
get stuck escorting the Virgins.

XENA

(sotto voce)

They wouldn’t remain virgins
very long if I escorted them.

GABRIELLE

(hands on hips)

Excuse me?  What did you just say?

XENA

(smugly)

I said, “You always call tails”.

Smirking, she shows Gabrielle the coin, which, indeed, has two heads on it.

GABRIELLE

Hey!!

Her eyes twinkling, Xena flips the coin again and tucks it safely back in its resting place before gathering her weapons and Argo’s saddle.

GABRIELLE

Cheater!!

Waggling her fingers at her partner, Xena quickly saddles Argo and hops aboard.

XENA

I’ll meet you back here in
three days, all right?

GABRIELLE

(still miffed)

All right.

XENA

Gabrielle….

GABRIELLE

Just get going, Xena.
I’ll see you in three days… if I don’t
die from boredom before then.

Xena laughs, and with a gentle nudge to Argo’s flanks, is off.

Gabrielle gathers up the rest of her gear and walks over to the waiting women.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

All right, ladies, let’s get going.
The day’s not getting any younger.

The group leaves the clearing with Gabrielle in the lead.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. FOREST PATH - LATE AFTERNOON

Gabrielle strides along a well-used trail, muttering under her breath and kicking stones.

GABRIELLE

You escort the Virgins, Gabrielle.
I’ll take care of the bad guys.

Another kick. Another stone disappears.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

They’ll be safe with you, Gabrielle.
Sweet… demure… little… graaaah!

The Virgins, following a bit behind, talk among themselves.  They push Anteia toward Gabrielle.

Anteia approaches hesitantly.

ANTEIA

Um… excuse me?

GABRIELLE

Yes?

ANTEIA

We were… wondering
if you were okay?

GABRIELLE

I’m fine.

She kicks another stone, hard.  The stone flies up into the trees.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

Couldn’t be better.

The stone hits a bird sitting in the tree.  It squawks.  Feathers fly.  The bird plummets from the tree, stunned.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

Why do you ask?

Anteia pales and steps back.

ANTEIA

No reason.  Really.

Gabrielle sighs.

GABRIELLE

Listen, it’s going to be dark soon.
Why don’t we just look for a place
to camp for the night, all right?

ANTEIA

Sure!  Sure!  Fine!
That would be great!
Right, Virgins?

VIRGINS

Praise Hestia!  Praise Hestia!!

Gabrielle rolls her eyes and looks up at the sky.

GABRIELLE

Kill me now.  Please?

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODED TRAIL - LATE EVENING

Three ill-kempt, unwashed THUGS walk down a wooded trail in search of their lost Virgin quarry, totally unaware of the blue eyes staring down at them from a tree not far ahead.

THUG #1

Stupid Virgins.  When I get
my hands on them, I’ll….

THUG #2

You’ll what?  You wouldn’t know what to
do with a Virgin if I drew you a map!

THUG #1

You can’t draw!

THUG #2

Shut up!

THUG #1

You shut up!

THUG #2

I’m not shuttin’ up.  You shut up!

THUG #3

Both of you shut up or I’ll do it for you.  Morons.

THUG #1

Sorry boss.

THUG #3

Just keep your yaps shut and look for signs.

THUG #2

Uh… what kinda signs, boss?

THUG #3

The Virgins, you idiot!

(beat)

And spread out.  Ya look like a couple
of lovebirds all bunched up like that.

Thugs 1 and 2 stare at one another, then quickly move away.  The small group continues on in a more or less straight line, several feet separating them.

As the third thug passes beneath Xena’s tree, she swings down, legs hooked to a sturdy branch.  She grabs the front of his shirt, and slams him headfirst into the thick trunk.  He slithers soundlessly to the ground, out for the count.

Grinning, Xena sits back up, then gets to her feet and jumps nimbly to the next tree just as the second thug passes beneath her.

Dropping to the ground in front of the thug, her grin widens before she flattens him with a right cross to his jaw.  Then, turning, she comes up behind the thug leader and taps him on the shoulder.  He spins, and a fist headed straight between his eyes is the last thing he sees for a long while.

XENA

Sorry boys.  I’ve got plans,
and you’re not part of ‘em.

Reaching down, she grabs the thug leader by his shirt collar and drags him over to his compatriot.  Then she drags the two unconscious men over to the third and drops them in a pile.

After a moment, a wicked grin crosses her face.

XENA

This oughta keep you
out of trouble for awhile.

Bending down, she begins quickly divesting the thugs of their trousers and boots, grimacing at the stench arising from their noisome bodies.

XENA

Didn’t your mothers ever
teach you how to bathe?

Within moments, the unconscious thugs are stripped bare, and their clothing is making its way down a swift-moving stream.

One last look at the pitiful excuses for men, and Xena is off, disappearing into the woods as if she’d never been there at all.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO