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ACT THREE
FADE IN:
INT. INN SLEEPING ROOM - DAWN
Xena and Gabrielle are up and packed for the remainder of their journey. If luck is with them, they will reach Poteidia by late evening Solstice Eve. Both appear well rested and much more relaxed than the night before.
Gabrielle smiles and removes her hand from Xena’s forehead, pleased at the lack of fever.
XENA Finished, mother?
Gabrielle shoots her a withering look. Xena makes a face, eyes twinkling. Hoisting the saddlebags over her shoulder, she turns to face her partner.
XENA (cont’d) Shall we?
GABRIELLE Let’s.
VOICES Thief!! Help!! Thief!!! Stop thief!!!!
Xena and Gabrielle look at one another. Xena slams open the door and the two go rushing out into the hallway toward the stairs.
CUT TO:
INT. INN - DAWN
The scene in the Inn’s main room is one of complete chaos. Several well-dressed men and women lay on the floor, seemingly stunned. Others mill around, talking and arguing among themselves and pointing toward the now wide open doors.
Gabrielle quickly kneels by a very large, obviously wealthy woman, who is bleeding profusely from a small wound to her head. The woman’s husband, as thin as she is stout, sits next to her moaning and wringing his hands on an ornate, useless lace handkerchief. With a smile, Gabrielle plucks the handkerchief from the man’s hands and presses it against his wife’s wound to slow the bleeding.
Xena grabs one of the milling men at random and pulls him close to her.
XENA What’s going on?
MAN T... they took everything!! Jewels, money, everything!!!
XENA Who? Do you know them?
MAN Never saw them before in my life!
XENA How many where there? Which way did they go?
MAN Four, maybe five?
MAN #2 I saw six!!
LADY #3 Eight for sure!!
MAN #4 Ten at least!!
MAN They went east, toward the mountains!
MAN #2 No, they went toward the sea!!
MAN East!
MAN #2 WEST!!!
MAN EAST!!!
XENA Gabrielle?
Looking up, Gabrielle sees just how close Xena’s temper is to snapping. She turns to the husband of the woman to whom she’s tending. Grabbing his hand, she presses it over the bloodied handkerchief on the woman’s forehead.
GABRIELLE Hold that. (beat) Thanks!
Jumping to her feet, she nods to her partner, and together they leave the Inn at a run. The rest of the people inside look at one another, then take off after the fleeing women.
CUT TO:
EXT. COASTAL TOWN - DAWN
Despite the early hour, the town is packed with people and goods that have been offloaded from the large ships that line the harbor. The thieves’ trail is obvious from the path of destruction they’ve left behind. Broken carts, ruined merchandise, and bruised bodies litter the narrow streets leading to the docks.
XENA C’mon!
Xena runs over, under, and around the debris littering the street. Gabrielle is right at her heels until she reaches the point where four men are trying to set a large, overturned cart upright. Xena leaps the cart and men. Gabrielle skids to a stop just before smashing into them.
Gabrielle moves to the left, the men move to the left. She tries right, they move right. Left again, same thing.
GABRIELLE Freeze!
The men obey.
Gabrielle grins.
GABRIELLE Thanks!
Juking to the left, she runs around the obstacle just in time to see a large ship pull away from the harbor. A group of men who are obviously the thieves laugh and wave to the angered crowd.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOCK XENA’S POV - DAWN
Continuing down the narrow street, Xena flips easily over yet another overturned wagon and lands on her feet in time to see the ship begin to pull away from the dock.
Coming to the edge of the dock, she looks down and sees a small two-man skiff, sails hoisted and ready to move. Xena jumps down into the skiff, neatly displacing a rotund man bent over at the waist as he tries to tie his shoes. With a squawk, he falls into the shallow water, and comes up sputtering.
XENA (grinning) Give it right back. Promise.
With that, she trims the sails, and the quick little boat is off.
CUT TO:
EXT. HARBOR - DAWN
As the thieves watch, Xena’s borrowed skiff catches quickly up to the larger ship as it tries to lumber out of port. Jumping from the boat, she grabs the cargo netting hanging over the side of the ship and shimmies up the side, completely ignoring the thieves’ attempts to shake her off.
CUT TO:
EXT. SHIP - DAWN
Releasing the netting, she flips over the side, landing directly in front of the head thief. He swings at her with his cutlass. She ducks and grabs the bag of loot he has in his other hand.
XENA Lose something?
HEAD THIEF Give that back!!!
XENA Want it?
She takes a step back.
XENA (cont’d) Come and get it.
HEAD THIEF ARRRRGGGGGHHHH!
He manages exactly one step forward before being walloped upside the head by his own bag of booty. He drops like a stone, and the fight is on.
THIEVES ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
The thieves surround Xena, lashing out at her with swords, feet and fists. Xena avoids each blow, returning blows of her own with the bag in her hand. She then spins in a quick circle and the bag pounds each man across the face, knocking them down in turn like the spokes of a wagon wheel.
One less than smart man rises back to his feet and wobbling, swings his sword at the three Xena’s he sees.
Xena grins.
XENA Catch!
Dropping his sword, the thug manages to catch the bag. The force of the throw pushes him backward until he slams against the hard wooden ship’s rail and sits down hard, pretty stars and tweeting birdies spinning circles over his head.
Crossing the deck, Xena snatches the bag.
XENA (cont’d) I’ll take that, thanks.
Running back across the deck, she begins to swing the bag in ever widening circles.
XENA (cont’d) GABRIELLE!!
Looking up, Gabrielle catches sight of the bag spinning end over end across the water. Throwing her arms up, she jumps and catches the bag to the cheers of the robbed citizens surrounding her on the dock.
Grinning, Xena turns and eyes the passed out thieves.
XENA (cont’d) Nice party, boys. We’ll have to do it again sometime.
Then she jumps over the side, landing neatly in the skiff and turning for home.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROLLING VALLEY TRAIL - EARLY MORNING
Having extracted themselves from the clutches of an overly enthusiastic populace, Xena and Gabrielle continue on the way to Poteidia. Though the sun is up and shining, its light does little to banish the bitter chill from the air, and both women walk quickly in order to keep warm.
With an idle glance off to her left, Xena spies a tall, well-built man running along a perpendicular trail. He’s immediately recognizable, and the corner of Xena’s lips twitch in a hint of a smile.
Gabrielle notices as well, and grins.
GABRIELLE Is that who I think it is?
XENA Looks like it.
GABRIELLE (waving) Hercules!! Hey, Hercules!!!
Looking up, a broad smile crosses Hercules’ handsome face, and he speeds up his already fast pace, heading directly for them.
Springing from the wood that Hercules has just left is a group of very colorfully dressed men, all bearing strange, stringed instruments that neither Xena nor Gabrielle has ever seen before.
Gasping and panting for breath, the men catch sight of the legendary hero and start off after him again.
Seeing this, Xena immediately drops her hand to her chakram, but, sensing no malice coming from the oddly dressed men, she allows the weapon to rest on its hook, content to watch events play out.
Gabrielle meets him half way, stopping Hercules and wrapping him in an enormous hug, which he easily returns, smiling down into her hair.
Finally unwrapping herself from him, Gabrielle takes his arm and leads him down to a smiling Xena. Hercules eyes the hand stuck out toward him and grins.
HERCULES Oh no you don’t. Come here.
Xena is drawn into a bone crushing hug, then released. Hercules grins at the both of them.
HERCULES (cont’d) It’s great to see you guys. You look like you’re doing well.
GABRIELLE We are. How ‘bout you?
Massive shoulders lift in an offhand shrug.
HERCULES Not bad.
Oddly dressed men finally catch up to Hercules and collapse on the ground, completely worn.
XENA (smirking) New friends?
Hercules runs a hand through his hair.
HERCULES Not… exactly.
XENA Mm.
Hercules brightens.
HERCULES I’m glad I found you guys. I… um… I need a little favor.
Xena’s eyes narrow. Her hands find her hips and plant themselves there.
XENA What kind of favor?
HERCULES Well, you see, these guys are singers.
One of the brightly clothed men sits up with an expression of extreme offense on his face.
MAN Singers?? Singers, he calls us!
MAN #2 We’re not singers!
MAN #3 We’re minstrels!
MAN #4 Wandering minstrels!
HERCULES Uh… yeah. That. (beat) Anyway, I was supposed to escort them to a Royal Wedding where they’re going to perform.
XENA And?
HERCULES And… well… I just got word that a giant, three headed Hydra is attacking a village in the other direction.
He cocks a thumb over his shoulder, back the way he came.
XENA And you want us to baby sit them for you, is that it?
Hercules smiles.
XENA No.
The smile fades.
HERCULES But....
XENA Sorry, my friend, but we’re headed to Poteidia to celebrate Solstice with Gabrielle’s family.
Hercules brightens again.
HERCULES Poteidia! That’s perfect! The wedding is in Pilates. That’s practically on your way.
XENA (firmly) Not practically enough.
HERCULES Xena, this wedding could ensure peace in the region for a long time to come. Isn’t that worth a little inconvenience?
Xena stiffens, beginning to anger. Seeing this, Gabrielle moves beside her and slips an arm around her waist.
GABRIELLE We’ll do it, Hercules.
She tries out her brightest smile.
GABRIELLE (cont’d) After all, Solstice isn’t until tomorrow, right?
XENA Gabrielle....
GABRIELLE It’s okay, Xena. I know of King Robbins. He’s a very fair and decent ruler. He’s always giving really great speeches on how they can help themselves and one another. (beat) If this wedding can make the area safer for my family and their friends, I’m willing to be a little late for Solstice.
After a long moment, Xena nods.
XENA (to Hercules) Fine.
Hercules gives them both a look of such profound relief that Xena’s hackles immediately go back up. Hercules, of course, notices this, and with his most charming smile, he nods, turns, and runs back in the direction he had just come, leaving a fuming Xena and a confused Gabrielle behind.
As Hercules leaves, the strange men jump up in unison and begin strumming the strings on their strange instruments.
MINSTREL #1 Me... me… me… me… memememememememe.
He nods.
The group takes a deep breath, then....
MINSTRELS
(The song “The Mighty Hercules” Hercules, Only The Evil Fear Him! Softness In His Eyes, Iron In His Thighs, Virtue In His Heart, Fire In Every Part of The Mighty Herculeeeees!!
Xena turns to Gabrielle, head cocked.
XENA (softly) “Iron in his thighs?”
Gabrielle smirks.
GABRIELLE (primly) You’d know that better than I would.
Her smirk broadens at the look she receives from her partner.
MINSTRELS Hercules, Hero Of Song And Story Hercules, Winner Of Ancient Glory….
Xena clears her throat. Loudly.
MINSTREL #5 (loudly) Fighting for the Right Fighting with his Might (beat, softer) With the Strength of Ten (beat, softer still) Ordinary… Men....
Dropping his hand, the minstrel looks at his fellows, who are all staring back at him.
MINSTREL #5 (cont’d) What?
As a group, the minstrels swivel their heads to look at Xena, whose arms are crossed over her chest, and whose booted foot is tapping on the ground.
MINSTREL #5 (cont’d) Oh. (beat) Sorry.
XENA Let’s go.
MINSTREL #3 Wait!!
Xena spins on her heel, leveling him with a glare.
XENA What?
Gasping, the minstrel takes a step back, cradling his lute against his chest like a shield.
XENA Well?
MINSTREL #3 W... W... We... We... uh....
MINSTREL #1 (haughtily) We never travel with strangers.
XENA Fine. Pilates is that way. Have fun at the wedding.
Gabrielle steps forward.
GABRIELLE Xena….
MINSTREL #2 Xena!
MINSTRELS XENA???
GABRIELLE Is there an echo out here?
MINSTRELS (singing) Xena, she is the Warrior Princess Xena, her words she never minces With her chakram and her sword Behave or you’ll be gored Be you thug or mean warlord Oh yes, she’s Xena, the Warrior Princess!
Xena is staring at the men. Gabrielle is bent over at the waist, arms crossed over her belly, laughing at the look on Xena’s face.
MINSTRELS (cont’d) Oh yes, she’s Xena….
XENA All right.
MINSTRELS The great and mighty Warrior Princess, Xena....
XENA Enough!
MINSTRELS She’ll jump around and cut your head off, Xena....
XENA CUT IT!!
Voices and lutes stop in a discordant jangle.
XENA Move. Now.
The men move.
Quickly.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROLLING VALLEY TRAIL - MID MORNING
MINSTRELS She is the Warrior Princess known across the land, the land When you are in trouble she’ll lend a hand, a hand….
The minstrels have been singing for hours, and it has gotten on Xena’s last remaining nerve. Stopping suddenly, she pulls her sword from its sheath, eyes blazing.
GABRIELLE Xena....
Gabrielle giggles over the atrocious lyrics.
GABRIELLE (cont’d) It’s not nice to kill them. They’re just doing their job.
Xena’s smile is as cold as a marble statue in winter.
XENA Oh, I have no intention of killing them, Gabrielle. (beat) I’m just gonna chop off their hands and rip their throats out.
MINSTRELS She’s known in every land As one to lend a hand Or foot or knee or thigh She’ll even lend an eye....
Xena growls.
Gabrielle restrains her with a hand to the wrist.
GABRIELLE Xena, take a break. Go for a walk ahead, or something. I’ll keep an eye on these guys.
XENA Fine.
Gabrielle watches, doing little to hide her mirth as her frustrated partner stomps ahead.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROLLING VALLEY - MID MORNING
The minstrels and Gabrielle finally catch up to Xena, who is finished attending to business from behind some covering foliage.
MINSTRELS A bush, a bush, she’s gone behind a bush Will she use Gabby’s scrolls to wipe her....
XENA Go there and die.
MINSTREL #4 …hands?
Lowering her chakram, Xena steps around to Gabrielle’s side and they continue their walk to the kingdom of Pilates.
Gabrielle is still laughing.
CUT TO:
EXT: SPARCE WOODLAND - MID AFTERNOON
Xena and Gabrielle walk side by side. Xena grasps Argo’s reins loosely in her hand. In addition to her usual load of gear, Argo now carries several lutes which hang over the saddle. Behind Argo, the minstrels follow, rags stuffed in their mouths. Xena is smirking. Gabrielle looks like she wishes to do serious bodily harm.
XENA (unrepentantly) They were just doing their jobs, Gabrielle.
Gabrielle gives her a look hot enough to vaporize a volcano.
Xena’s smirk becomes more pronounced. She opens her mouth to speak.
GABRIELLE Don’t go there, Xena. I’m warning you, I still have more rags in my bag and I won’t hesitate to use them.
Giving an evil chuckle, Xena speeds up her pace, quickly outdistancing the rest of the group.
XENA (singing, O.C.) Gabrielle, Gabrielle, she’s so swell, Gabrielle…
GABRIELLE XENA!!!!
CUT TO:
EXT. EDGE OF WOODS - MID AFTERNOON
As Xena, Gabrielle and their gagged charges continue toward Pilates, they hear a commotion just ahead.
As one, the minstrels sniff the air and joy suffused their faces. The gags pop out of their mouths, and they begin running pell-mell toward the commotion.
MINSTRELS (singing) Ale! It must be Ale! Amber boch or Grecian Pale Be it ever so yummy, there’s no taste like Ale! It’s Ale!!
GABRIELLE Well, that’s one way to get rid of them, I guess.
XENA Mm.
Exiting the woods, the cause for the commotion becomes immediately obvious.
A large crossroads appears just ahead, and in the center of the crossroads, four wagons have obviously collided. Two are overturned, and one stands on only two wheels. The other appears unscathed. All four wagons carry large casks of ale. Several of the casks have broken in the collision, and ale has spilled out all over the ground.
Dozens of men parade about in various stages of drunkenness, having taken immediate advantage of the fortuitous circumstances. Two are trying to walk a straight line while reciting the Greek alphabet and touching their noses with the tips of their index fingers. Several more are running about with their arms spread wide, making buzzing noises.
MAN Hey, look at me! I’m Icarus!! Bzzzzzz....
MAN #2 No, I’m Icarus!!
MAN No, I am!! Bzzzzzzzowwwwzzzz.
MAN #2 No, I am!!! Whoooooshhh. Whoooooshhhhh.
The two men collide and fall rear first into a puddle of ale. They laugh uproariously, holding onto one another for support.
Several men are kneeling like dogs, lapping up the pools of ale that saturate the sodden ground. Others have given up lapping and simply lie in the pools, trying to absorb the liquor through their pores.
The minstrels have appropriated wooden mugs from somewhere and are toasting one another while singing.
MINSTRELS How dry I am! How wet I’ll be! If I don’t find The privy key!
The only sober person is a thin, wizened old man who scowls at the others and raps his walking stick hard on the ground. He is, of course, roundly ignored by the revelers.
Gabrielle chuckles softly. Xena rolls her eyes. They head for the logjam to offer their assistance.
The old man sees them and relief washes across his face like an ocean wave.
OLD MAN Oh, thank the gods and goddesses. Please, could you help me?
GABRIELLE Looks like you’ve got some trouble, huh?
OLD MAN You could say that, yes.
He holds out his hand.
OLD MAN (cont’d) I’m Barley Hopseus, Royal Alemaker to King Robbins.
GABRIELLE Pleased to meet you, Hopseus. I’m Gabrielle, and this is Xena.
HOPSEUS I’m grateful to meet you both.
XENA This all yours then?
HOPSEUS Some of it is. The King ordered the best ales from the four corners of his kingdom to be brought in for the Royal Wedding.
XENA Looks like you all got together a little sooner than expected.
HOPSEUS Exactly! And if I can’t get these wagons righted, we’ll all be a lot later than anyone expects!
He draws a finger across his throat.
GABRIELLE The king wouldn’t kill you for that! Would he?
HOPSEUS (ominously) His Majesty loves his Ale.
Taking in a breath, Xena looks around, shaking her head as she realizes that every single one of the able bodied men are too blindly drunk to do her any type of good whatsoever.
XENA Gabrielle, you and Hopseus keep an eye on the… Icarii over there. Argo and I will take care of the rest.
GABRIELLE Are you sure? I could help, you know.
XENA Oh believe me, you will.
CUT TO:
EXT. CROSSROADS - EARLY EVENING
An hour later, hot, sweaty and covered with sticky ale, Xena finally straightens and stretches as she looks over the job she’s done. All four wagons are standing on their own wheels, and the remaining ale casks are secured in their beds.
Hopseus rushes over and pumps Xena’s hand as hard as his feeble arm is able.
HOPSEUS Thank you, oh thank you. You’ve saved my livelihood. And likely my life. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.
XENA I do.
HOPSEUS You do?
Xena gestures to the drunken minstrels.
XENA Yup. Those… gentlemen are minstrels ordered to sing at the wedding. I’d consider it a personal favor if you would escort them the rest of the way.
HOPSEUS No sooner said than done.
The Alemaster claps his hands, and the drunken men jump to, wavering their way over to their wagons and trying, with varying degrees of success, to climb aboard.
HOPSEUS (cont’d) Minstrels! You’re with us!
Swaying and staggering, the minstrels finally manage to retrieve their lutes from Argo’s back. Grinning drunkenly, they salute Xena and Gabrielle.
MINSTREL #1 Thanks, Sheena. Thanks, Babrielle.
GABRIELLE (grinning) You’re welcome.
MINSTREL #2 Sappy Holstice to you!
GABRIELLE Um…sappy holstice to you too.
MINSTRELS (badly off-key) We’re wandering minstrels We love to shing We’ll sherenade the gride and broom On their wedding….
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT THREE
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