Episode Guide Teaser Act 1 Act 2 Act 3 Act 4

ACT ONE

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. WOODS Ė MORNING

 

A YOUNG BOY of no more than ten stands in the woods.  He has a cocked bow in his hands and is just about to release another arrow blindly ahead.

 

As he releases the string, one hand clamps hard on his shoulder, and the other deftly catches the arrow as it shoots from the bow.

 

Gulping, the boy looks up into icy blue eyes.

 

XENA

Didnít your mother ever teach

you not to play with weapons?

 

 

A rustling in the bushes produces a tall, attractive woman.  Dressed immaculately, her blonde hair is perfectly coiffed, and she wears a strand of pearls around her neck. 

 

JUNOS

Castor!  Where... oh, there you are!

Your father and I were worried sick

about you!  Oh, and look!  Youíve

found some friends. Isnít that nice?

(beat)

Weardus!  Weardus, come look.

Iíve found Castor and heís

made himself new friends!

 

A tall, stern looking man approaches the group, followed by a gangly teen-aged boy.

 

WEARDUS

Now Castor, what have

I told you about running....

 

He notices Xena and Gabrielle.

 

WEARDUS

(contíd)

Oh. Hello.

 

The teenaged boy comes to a dead stop as he sights Xena and Gabrielle.  He draws himself up to his full, inconsiderable height as a broad smile creases his face.

 

WALLIUS

(voice cracking)

Golly, Castor, you

sure can pick Ďem!

 

Weardus turns on his son.

 

WEARDUS

Now, Wallius, Iíve warned

you about oogling women.

 

WALLIUS

Gosh, Dad!  I wasnít oogling

them!  I was just being friendly!

 

GABRIELLE

(hesitantly)

Um, excuse me?

 

WEARDUS

Regardless, I will not have that

sort of behavior in my house.

Now go to your room.

 

WALLIUS

Jeepers, Dad!  Weíre in the

middle of a forest! I

donít have a room!

 

GABRIELLE

(louder)

Excuse me!

 

 

WEARDUS

Wallius....

 

JUNOS

Weardus, donít you think youíre

being a little hard on the boy?

After all, it isnít every day

that we have too such....

 

She carefully looks over Xena and Gabrielle.

 

JUNOS

(contíd)

Öimposing guests visiting us.

 

WEARDUS

Now Junos, Iím responsible for the

discipline in this family. And if....

 

A piercing whistle interrupts the family tiff.  The group freezes, looking at Xena through wide eyes.

 

Clearing her throat, Gabrielle puts on her brightest smile and steps forward.

 

GABRIELLE

Thanks.

(beat)

Now, we were just trying to

make sure that your son....

 

She eyes the boy in question.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

Castor, is it?

 

Castor nods frantically, still within Xenaís hard grip.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

Castor knew not to shoot without

knowing what he was shooting at.

 

Red faced, Weardus stalks over to Gabrielle and begins waggling his finger in her face.

 

WEARDUS

Now see here, young... lady.

Iíll have you know that my

son knows exactly... ow!

 

Xena has his finger in a tight grip while still holding onto Castor.

 

XENA

Now thatís not very nice.

 

WEARDUS

Unhand me, you... you...

you... rapscallion!

 

Xena and Gabrielle look at one another.

 

GABRIELLE

(mouthing)

Rapscallion?

 

Unhanding father and son, Xena pulls the arrow from her bodice and shows it to both of them.

 

XENA

This....

 

She indicates the arrow.

 

XENA

(contíd)

... is not a toy.

 

She whips the arrow into a nearby tree, burying it shaft deep into the trunk.  The feathered tail thrums madly with the force of her throw.

 

XENA

(contíd)

Got me?

 

 

Everyone including Gabrielle, nods.

 

XENA

(contíd)

Good.

 

Weardus looks as if to speak, but is stopped by a gentle finger against his lips.

 

GABRIELLE

I wouldnít.

 

His eyes widen.

 

She shakes her head.

 

He nods, reluctantly.

 

XENA

Gabrielle.

 

Gabrielle smiles.

 

GABRIELLE

WeíreÖ justÖ gonna head out

now.  Nice to have met you all.

 

 

As they leave, the family gathers into a tight knot.  The boysí heads are pressed into their parentsí chests, eyes averted as if Xena and Gabrielle will turn them to stone with just a look.

 

Once safely out of sight, a stern voice drifts through the trees.

 

WEARDUS

Maybe you two should spend

some time at Aphroditeís

temple!  Maybe then youíll

learn some manners.

 

GABRIELLE

(to Xena)

Manners?  Aphrodite?

 

XENA

Boy, has he got the

wrong goddess.

 

Chuckling, Gabrielle casually threads an arm through Xenaís.

 

GABRIELLE

Maybe heís got the

right idea, though.

 

Xena looks down at her, eyes wide.

 

XENA

Are you saying I donít

have manners?

 

Gabrielle smirks.

 

GABRIELLE

Well....

 

Xenaís eyes narrow.  Gabrielle swats lightly at her.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

I meant visiting Aphrodite, silly.

Itís been a few since we saw her

last, and with everything that went

on with Ares, Iíd like to see how

sheís doing.  I mean she seemed

like her usual Aphrodite self,

but.... I just need to know.

 

Xena pretends to think about it.

 

XENA

I suppose we could

squeeze a visit into our

already hectic schedule.

 

 

GABRIELLE

(smirking)

Youíre a true princess

among warriors.

 

Xena gives a mock curtsey.

 

XENA

(blithely)

Thank you.  I do try.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. APHRODITEíS TEMPLE - DAY

 

From the outside, the temple looks normal.  Of medium size, it is made up of white marble and is distinctly feminine, as befits the goddess it honors.

 

A few steps from the entrance, Gabrielle stops dead.  Her face is screwed up in an expression of extreme distaste.

 

GABRIELLE

What is that smell?!?

 

XENA

Donít look at me.

 

GABRIELLE

Iím serious, Xena. It

stinks like rotting fish!

(beat)

No comments from

the peanut gallery.

 

XENA

Not a word.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. APHRODITEíS TEMPLE - DAY

 

Resisting the impulse to hold their noses, both women step into the temple.  The interior looks like a cyclone has hit it.  Broken statues and furniture litter the floor space.  Gifts left for Aphrodite are rotting on the altar, casting a stench that lingers over everything like a pall. 

 

GABRIELLE

(softly)

What happened?

 

XENA

Only one way to find

out.  Aphrodite!

 

A long moment of silence.

 

XENA

(contíd)

Aphrodite!!

 

A moment later, Aphrodite pops in with a blast of pink sparkles.

 

APHRODITE

(heartily)

Well, if it isnít my favorite

girl group!  Whatís the

haps, ladies?

 

 

She appears to be moving to a beat only she can hear. Her body sways in constant motion, and her fingers, perched on her hips, constantly drum.

 

GABRIELLE

(uncertainly)

Are you all right?

 

APHRODITE

(laughing)

Moi?  Absolute perfection, as

always.  Why wouldnít I be?

 

Gabrielle exchanges a quick glance with Xena

 

GABRIELLE

No reason... I guess.

(beat)

Whatís up with this temple?

 

 

Aphrodite looks around. Shrugs.

 

APHRODITE

Iím a busy Goddess, Gab.

Places to see, people to

do.  You know how it is.

 

GABRIELLE

Aphrodite, Iíve seen you almost

come unglued if thereís even a

mote of dust on one of your altars.

 

APHRODITE

Things change, ya know?

Like I said....

 

GABRIELLE

Youíre a busy Goddess.

 

APHRODITE

Exactly! Speaking of which, how

come you called me out of an

absolutely rockiní party, ladies?

You guys need help from the

loooove goddess, hmm?  No

troubles in paradise, I hope.

 

Xena rolls her eyes.  Gabrielle blushes slightly.  Aphrodite smirks.

 

APHRODITE

(contíd)

Didnít think so.

SoÖ whatís up?

 

GABRIELLE

(offhandedly)

Oh, nothing much.  We were

just, you know, in the area

and decided to stop by and

see how you were doing.

 

APHRODITE

Awww.  That is so sweet!

(beat)

But you guys donít have to check

up on me.  As you can see, Iím

grooviní along, just like always.

So... bye-bye now. Hope you

have fun on your little adventures!

 

GABRIELLE

Aphrodite, wait!

 

APHRODITE

Yesssss?

 

GABRIELLE

(impulsively)

Why donít you come with us?

 

Xena looks at Gabrielle as if sheís just grown a third head.  Even Aphroditeís eyes go wide with shock.

 

 

APHRODITE

Excuse me?

 

GABRIELLE

Come with us!  Xena says

thereís some warlord trouble

in the next town over.  Weíre

heading over there to check it out.

 

Aphrodite looks over at Xena.

 

APHRODITE

You been giving her the spiked

nutbread again, havenít you?

 

GABRIELLE

Iím serious!

 

APHRODITE

Hel-lo little bardling, itís meÖ

the Goddess of Love?  Why

would I want to set one gorgeous

foot inside a war zone?

 

GABRIELLE

I wouldnít exactly call it a war zone.

Besides, youíre still a goddess,

right?  If thereís any trouble....

 

Gabrielle snaps her fingers

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

You just... poof!

 

APHRODITE

Poof?

 

GABRIELLE

Poof.  Címon.

Itíll be interesting.

 

APHRODITE

Your idea of interesting and

my idea of interesting are

like totally far apart, Gab.

 

GABRIELLE

Yeah, but at least itíll be something

different from all those parties

you say youíre having.

 

APHRODITE

And thatís a good

thing because....?

 

GABRIELLE

Please?

 

Gabrielle looks at Aphrodite.

 

Aphrodite looks back at Gabrielle.

 

Xena looks like she wants to kill something.

 

Gabrielle continues to look at Aphrodite.

 

Aphrodite continues to look back at Gabrielle.

 

Finally, Aphrodite sighs.

 

APHRODITE

Fine.  Iíll go on your little

adventure with you, all right?

 

GABRIELLE

(beaming)

Great!

 

APHRODITE

Ok, then, letís get this show on

the road, ladies.  I meet with

my masseuse in a few hours.

Real talented hands, if you

know what I mean.

 

GABRIELLE

Aphrodite, you canít

come with us in that!

 

 

APHRODITE

Whyís that?  This is

sheer perfection!

 

XENA

Perfect for starting

a riot, maybe.

 

APHRODITE

Well, I am the goddess

of love, Xena.  Love

riots are my thing.

 

GABRIELLE

Maybe you could try

something a little

more... sedate?

 

APHRODITE

Sedate?

 

Gabrielle nods.

 

Aphrodite frowns.

 

APHRODITE

Fine.

 

With a snap of her fingers, she poofs away to return a second later sporting a much more sedate, yet still eye-popping, ensemble.

 

 

APHRODITE

(contíd)

Better?

 

Xena sighs.

 

XENA

Itíll do.

 

 

APHRODITE

Groovy!  So, whereís this town

thingie that weíre headed to?

Just give me the directions and

Iíll pop us right there in a flash!

 

XENA

Oh no.  No popping.

(beat, to Gabrielle)

No poofing.

(beat, to Aphrodite)

Walking.  Thatís how we get there.

Good, old-fashioned walking.

 

APHRODITE

Walking?!?  Nobody told me

about walking when I signed

up for this gig of yours.

Goddesses donít walk, Xena.

 

XENA

If they want to go anywhere

with us, they do.

 

Aphrodite heaves a dramatic sigh.

 

APHRODITE

Oh, fine.  Lead the way,

warrior babe.  I can

struggle along.

(beat)

For now.

 

FADE OUT.

 

END OF ACT ONE

 

ACT TWO