XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
SUBTEXT VIRTUAL SEASON 8

PRODUCTION #V807
Cloning Around

VIRTUAL AIRDATE
January 15, 2003

WRITTEN BY
TNovan

PRODUCED BY
Carol Stephens

DIRECTED BY
Denise Byrd

SCREENGRABS
Judi Mair

ARTWORK
Lucia

TITLE GRAPHIC
MaryD

Xena: Warrior Princess is a trademark and copyright of Universal/StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures.  This is a fan based not-for-profit work of fiction and is not intended to infringe upon their rights.
 
TEASER

INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

XENA and GABRIELLE are working in a seedy bar. Xena is waiting tables and Gabrielle is standing behind the bar. She is not a happy woman as she watches Xena fend of the advances of the drunken male patrons. Gabrielle is drying a glass and if it were possible she would be rubbing holes in the glass. 

Across the room, Xena is holding a tray and trying to be nice to the man who is very persistent. She smiles and removes his hand from her backside one last time before walking away.

Gabrielle slams the glass down on the bar, and then tosses the towel after it as Xena comes over.

GABRIELLE
I’m going to kill him.

XENA
Relax. It’s nothing I can’t handle. Besides, he’s too drunk to be any harm. And if I smile real nice I’ll get a big tip.

GABRIELLE
I’ll give him a tip.

XENA
(chuckling)
Yeah, I can imagine what that would be too. 

She leans across the bar and whispers

XENA
(Cont’d)
I promise you, he’s harmless. But it’s cute that you’re jealous.

GABRIELLE
I am not jealous!

XENA
(smiling)
Are too. 

Gabrielle narrows her eyes and growls. 

GABRIELLE
I am not jealous. I just don’t think you should have to put up with that kind of crap.

Xena winks.

XENA
Just give me two beers and a rum and coke.

Gabrielle looks past Xena to the table, her eyes dart back to Xena and she grabs two bottles from the cooler and slams them down on the bar.

XENA
Thanks.

CUT TO:

INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

The bar has gotten more crowded and Gabrielle’s temper has gotten shorter. She’s watching Xena fend off advances from nearly every possible direction. She’s getting twitchy, pacing back and forth behind the bar as she mixes and serves drinks, her hands are shaking and her lips are pursed tight. She doesn’t even notice that Xena has approached the bar.

XENA
Vodka tonic.

GABRIELLE
How about giving him an Amphipolis Punch?

XENA
What’s that?

GABRIELLE
That’s where you go over there and put his lights out. If he cops another feel, he’s going to put a hole in the seat of your pants.

XENA
Come on, Gabrielle.  Just a couple more hours and we’re out of here.

GABRIELLE
Okay. But....

Before she can finish, a fight breaks out behind them and one of the men is hurling right at Xena.

GABRIELLE
Xena! Watch out!

Xena turns and delivers a right cross to the man, dropping him like a stone. Gabrielle scrambles over the bar to give her a hand in either stopping or winning the fight. The fight erupts like a volcano that has been simmering for 3000 years.

Xena grabs the closest guy and punches him squarely in the face. Gabrielle blocks a punch with Xena’s serving tray as EVERYONE in the place gets in on the brawl. Xena grabs Gabrielle around the waist and pulls her out of the way as she throws another punch as a man who was about to nail Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Thanks.

XENA
Let’s get out of here.

They push their way through the crowd and head for the front door.  Glass breaks around them and the sound of chairs crashing cause them to duck and flinch. At the door they run right into the owner who is a VERY LARGE MAN with his arms crossed over his chest.

OWNER
Do I really need to say it?

GABRIELLE
We’re fired?

OWNER
I always knew you were the brains in this outfit. 

Xena growls at him

OWNER
Now get out of here before I call the cops.

GABRIELLE
But we didn’t do anything....

OWNER
I mean it, blondie
(beat)
Get yourself and your Amazon....

Xena starts forward, growling louder now. Gabrielle grabs her by the arm.

GABRIELLE
Going, going! Come on, Xena.

CUT TO:

EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT

Xena and Gabrielle walk along the upper deck of a run down motel. At the door to their room, Xena has to jiggle the lock to try and get the door open. She’s getting more frustrated and mumbles something about kicking it in when Gabrielle takes the key from her hand.

GABRIELLE
Let me.

She works the lock and then throws her shoulder against the door forcing it open.

CUT TO:

INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Xena lies down immediately on the bed and Gabrielle grabs a tape and puts it in a VCR, turning on the TV as she does.

XENA
No, please.  PLEASE don’t make me watch that damn show again.

Gabrielle sighs and shuts the VCR off but leaves the TV on and tunes it to the news. Then she joins Xena on the bed, rubbing her partner’s tense shoulders.

GABRIELLE
You know when we watch it that it helps us get back our memories.

XENA
They are not ‘our’ memories Gabrielle. WE are a science experiment. The original Xena and Gabrielle died 3000 years ago.

GABRIELLE
That was not nice.

Xena sighs and nods.

XENA
I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything. Maybe I can go back tomorrow and get our jobs back.

GABRIELLE
If you go back there, you’ll end up in jail. Don’t worry about it.  We’ll figure something else out. I’ll admit it’s not going to be easy. We need to find a job that doesn’t require any documentation.

XENA
This is a very different world.

GABRIELLE
Yes, it is. But this is our world and we have to make the best of it.

XENA
That would be easy if we had birth certificates, driver’s licenses and what do they call that other thing?

GABRIELLE
A social security number.

XENA
See, I don’t get that. Why would you need a number to be social or secure?

GABRIELLE
I’m not even going to pretend to understand it. However, the fact remains we’re nearly broke, we have no jobs, and the rent is due on this place Friday.

XENA
They should pay us to stay here. If Xena and Gabrielle’s memories are right, they stayed in better places than this in ancient Greece. The cockroaches are on strike for better living conditions.

From the room next door, there is a loud moan. Xena rolls her eyes and grabs a pillow to cover her head.

XENA
Not tonight. God, can’t she find anyplace else to take her tricks?

GABRIELLE
Not that rent by the hour.

Xena sits up and pounds on the walls.

XENA
Knock it off!

Gabrielle just sighs and hands Xena a jacket. 

GABRIELLE
Come on. You’re a cheap date. I’ll buy you dinner until this hour is over.

XENA
Fries?

Gabrielle laughs and put her own jacket on.

GABRIELLE
Sure. Fries and burger, chocolate shake. The works.

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY.

Xena is lying in the bed, covers pulled up around her head as Gabrielle watches ‘Fins, Fems, and Gems’. One slender blonde brow is arched as she watches the resuscitation scene.

GABRIELLE
That is not the way it happened.

Xena slowly raises her head and looks at the screen. Her own brow goes up as she watches the scene unfold.

XENA
I’m thinking they didn’t get much right. Somebody musta messed up the translation. Why do you insist on watching this?

GABRIELLE
It’s fascinating.

XENA
It’s ridiculous. And you know it makes me crazy. If we had half a real brain between us, we’d look up this Rob guy and give him the real scoop.

GABRIELLE
And say what? ‘Hi, we’re 21st century clones of the ancient warriors that you did the TV show about. Alti brought us back in an attempt to resurrect Evil Xena.’

XENA
That would get us locked up wouldn’t it?

GABRIELLE
In a heartbeat.

XENA
Or he’d make a movie. 
(beat)
You know we should go out and try to find some kind of gainful employment.

GABRIELLE
I thought you were in a bad mood.

XENA
I am, but the fact remains we need money.

GABRIELLE
True. Let’s go. I’m sure we’ll find something.

CUT TO:

INT. DINER - DAY

They are sitting in a booth drinking coffee. It’s clear that they haven’t had much luck in the job-hunting department. Xena is slowly stirring a spoon through her cup and Gabrielle is staring out the window. Tapping her fingernail on side of her own cup, Xena reaches across the table and stills her partner’s hand.

XENA
Relax. We’ll be fine.

GABRIELLE
I know. It’s just frustrating.

XENA
You don’t have to say that twice.

Xena fishes in her pocket and produces a few silver coins. She takes a deep breath and leaves the booth. Gabrielle watches as her partner picks up a newspaper, pays for it and returns to the booth, placing it in front of her.

GABRIELLE
Xena we can’t....

XENA
Please, don’t tell me we can’t afford it. Fifty cents isn’t going to make or break us, and you enjoy reading it.

Gabrielle smiles and winks at Xena.

GABRIELLE
Thanks.

XENA
It’s the least I can do.

She sips her coffee and looks into the cup and back up to Gabrielle who is now absorbed in the paper. Xena looks out the window at the traffic passing by.

GABRIELLE
Xena?

XENA
Yeah?

GABRIELLE
Look at this.

She passes the paper to Xena and points to an article. Xena takes the paper and pulls it to her. She reads it carefully, one eyebrow raising and then the other.

GABRIELLE
What do you think?

XENA
I think we need to find this guy.

GABRIELLE
Do you think there’s any truth to it?

XENA
Oh I hope so. This could be the answer to all our problems. Let’s go.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

They stand before an office door marked DR. OTTO LEONARD. Xena raises her hand and just as she is about to knock, the door pulls open. Dr. Leonard stands there, blocked by them and apparently in a hurry. 

OTTO
Excuse me; I’m late for a class.

XENA
Dr. Leonard....

He moves past them and begins walking down the hall at a quick clip.

OTTO
If you want to chat, you’ll have to walk with me.

They quickly catch up and give each other the look as they find out that walking with him means nearly jogging along beside him.

XENA
Doctor, my friend and I read in the Times that you are about to begin an expedition to Greece to look for Xena’s lost treasure. We think we can help you.

This brings him to a stop and he turns to look at them for the first time. He smiles and then shakes his head.

OTTO
Look, I appreciate that you’re fans of the show and everything, but this is a scientific expedition and....

XENA
(impatiently)
We are not fans of the show.

GABRIELLE
We came here to offer you help. We might be able to help you find it. We know the area very well.

OTTO
And how is that possible? I have a general idea of where to look, but not a specific idea. I still haven’t managed to translate the scrolls that I have.

XENA
What if we could help you translate them?

OTTO
You read ancient Greek?

XENA
Read, write... speak.

He looks at them for a long moment, apparently appraising them.

OTTO
Come to my office at five. I’ll give you one chance to prove yourself. If you can indeed translate the scrolls then we’ll discuss what else you might be able to do to help.

GABRIELLE
Thank you. You won’t be sorry.

OTTO
I hope not. What are your names?

They look back and forth to each other, and then Xena looks at him.

XENA
Lucy and Ethel.

CUT TO:

INT. MOTEL - DAY

Xena is sitting at the desk near the window doing a sketch that resembles a crude map. Gabrielle is flipping through a journal obviously looking for something.

GABRIELLE
I can’t find it, Xena. I know I wrote it down. I’ve been very careful about writing down everything we’ve remembered.

XENA
Maybe that’s for the best, Gabrielle. Now that I know I wasn’t losing my mind and there really is a treasure, we don’t want too much information to be out there. It’s probably best that it’s locked up in my head.

GABRIELLE
But do you remember enough?

XENA
No, it’s sketchy. I’m hoping that the information the good doctor has will fill in some of the blanks.

Gabrielle sighs and sits in the armchair next to the desk.

GABRIELLE
Xena?

Xena looks at her map, bites her bottom lip as she adds another line and then looks to Gabrielle.

XENA
We’re keeping the money Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
But....

Xena turns around in her chair and rests her hand on Gabrielle’s knee.

XENA
The original Xena put that money there for an emergency. This qualifies as an emergency.

GABRIELLE
But if Dr. Leonard has been looking for it, his reputation is at stake.

XENA
I don’t intend to let his reputation suffer, Gabrielle; we’ll make sure he finds enough to make the trip worth it. We just won’t let him have most of it. If I remember right, being the clever girl I was there are several small antechambers that have significant gold and treasure in them... more than enough to make the old doc’s reputation world round. Then once he’s on his way back to the States, we open up the main chamber and live the rest of our lives in luxury and comfort.

GABRIELLE
You do realize that all the money in the world is not going to make up for the fact that we have no papers or identification.

XENA
Oh yes it will. Look around you, Gabrielle.  It’s money that runs this world now and those who have it control it. If you have money, no one questions you or asks any questions.

GABRIELLE
Xena, how much money is in this cave?

XENA
If her memory serves... millions. Gold and gems Gabrielle. Raw and just waiting to be sold for cold, hard cash.

GABRIELLE
Something about this doesn’t feel right. I don’t remember this at all.

XENA
Xena hid this treasure away long before she met Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Would you please stop talking like that?  It gives me the creeps. And what I mean is I don’t remember you ever mentioning this to me.

XENA
Xena was....

She stops, closes her eyes against the mistake she just made. Then she smiles and looks into Gabrielle’s eyes.

XENA
(Cont’d)
I put that money there in a time when it was an insurance policy. If I decided to go back to my warlord ways, then I would have it. But when I met you, I knew there was no way I was ever going back to that life. And I didn’t want anything to do with that money. Now it’s a whole new tournament in the coliseum.  We did all right living hand to mouth then, but we can’t do it now. This world is far more complicated than ours. We can’t rescue small villages and take chickens in payment.

GABRIELLE
I know. I know everything you’re saying is true. Somehow it just seems dishonest.

XENA
It’s not, Gabrielle.  That money is ours and if it’s still there it will make our lives much easier. Trust me, the people I took that money from are long dead and have no need of it now, but we do. We need it if we’re going to survive here without turning into criminals to survive. I am not above petty theft if it means we get to eat or you’re going to be warm on a cold night. And if I start there, where am I bound to end up? I have a programmed predisposition for extreme violence. 

Xena takes Gabrielle’s hands into her own and brings them to her lips. Reverently, with her eyes closed she gently places her lips to the back of Gabrielle’s hand and just holds them there. Then she speaks softly, never releasing her.

XENA
(Cont’d)
 I love you. I want to be with you, but think about the last life we lived together....

GABRIELLE
(chuckling)
That we remember.

XENA
Right. Remember how hard that life was? Sleeping on the ground, washing under an ice-cold waterfall. Having to catch your own dinner. Being hunted by every lunatic, despot and god you could think of. Come on Gabrielle.  Why should we have to live like that this time? Didn’t we pay our dues the last time?

Gabrielle smiles at the tender gesture, realizing that Xena is making a really good argument. She leans forward so their foreheads are touching.

GABRIELLE
Well, I gotta tell ya, Lucy. You make good sense.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON

Xena and Gabrielle are waiting in Dr. Leonard’s office. They are seated in matching wing back chairs facing Otto’s massive desk, which is piled high with folders, books and several rolled maps.

XENA
Looks like it’s true.

GABRIELLE
What?

XENA
The old stereotype that all brilliant scientists are grubby little moles that live in dens of paper and dusty fossils.

Her hand gestures to a bookcase loaded with small items obviously taken from digs around the world. Gabrielle stands when her eye catches something on a bookcase. She carefully picks up the old scroll and slowly pulls the tie. As she unrolls it she starts back to her seat, reading to Xena as she does.

GABRIELLE
Xena, this is one of my scrolls.

XENA
You’re kidding?

She gets up and joins her, peering over her shoulder to look at the scroll.

XENA
(Cont’d)
Which one?

GABRIELLE
Oh boy.  Let’s just say I hope this is the one he’s having trouble translating. If it is, we need to make something up when he asks us about it.

XENA
Why?

GABRIELLE
Do you want people to know....

She stops and points to the scroll, moving her finger down the page as Xena’s eyes slowly scan it, taking in every word. Xena takes the scroll from Gabrielle, rolls it up and tucks it away in the backpack they brought with them, and then she tries to arrange the pile to make it less obvious that one is missing.

GABRIELLE
(Cont’d)
I wonder how many of the scrolls survived.

XENA
Apparently quite a few of them did.

GABRIELLE
That worries me a little.

XENA
Why?

GABRIELLE
Because some of those stories were not meant for public consumption.

The door opens and a frazzled Dr. Leonard enters. He glances at them as if he has forgotten the appointment, then he smiles, and snaps his fingers, obviously remembering them.

OTTO
Ah! Lucy and Ethel.

He takes a seat behind his desk and laces his fingers together.

OTTO
(Cont’d)
All right ladies, let’s cut the crap. I’ve been in this business long enough to know a scam when I see one. What is your game and who are you really?

They look at each other. Gabrielle shrugs. Xena takes a deep breath and looks directly at him.

XENA
 I assure you Doctor, there’s no scam. Our offer to help is genuine.

OTTO
And what do you get out of it?

GABRIELLE
Passage back to Greece with your expedition.

OTTO
Who the hell are you?

XENA
You wouldn’t believe us.

OTTO
Try me.

GABRIELLE
We’re direct descendants of Xena and Gabrielle.

OTTO
(skeptically)
Right.

XENA
I told you you wouldn’t believe us, but it’s true.

GABRIELLE
And we have the information you need to get where you need to go. We know the region.

OTTO
All right, let’s suppose for just one second I’m buying into this cock and bull story.  Why not go back to Greece and get it yourself?

XENA
We can’t. Let’s just say that due to circumstances beyond our control we don’t have the proper documentation required to do so.

OTTO
And you’re going to show me something here today that’s going to keep me from calling security and having you tossed out of here on your butts. Something so wonderful that I would be willing to entertain the idea of forging documents to take you half way around the world.

Xena and Gabrielle exchange significant glances, Gabrielle nods and Xena produces the map that she had been working on earlier in the day. She unfolds it and hands it to him.

He take a cursory looks at the rough map and then tosses it to his desk.

OTTO
You are going to have to do better than that. That proves nothing other than you have a good knowledge of geography.

Xena stands across the desk from him and plants her finger in the center of the map, without ever looking at it.

XENA
Is that on any of your maps?

He leans over the map and takes another look, moving Xena’s finger as he does.

OTTO
You think this is where the treasure is?

XENA
I know that’s where the money is and I can prove it. You mentioned scrolls. I know the only scrolls that contain that information where written by a scribe that Xena had in her army. The location of the treasure was dictated by Xena and written in code. That’s why you can’t decipher it. You can read everything in the scroll except the location of the treasure. Shall I recite the first few lines?

OTTO
Please do.

XENA
It is the third month of winter.  Rain and snow have slowed our progress into the mountains. I realize that in order to speed our progress, some of our spoils from our latest campaign need to be hidden....

She stops and looks to him. Dr. Leonard is sitting slack jawed in his chair, staring at her.

OTTO
There is no way you could know that. Unless....

GABRIELLE
Unless what we’re telling you is the truth.

XENA
And if you want to find Xena’s lost treasure, we’re your best bet, because only I can translate the code.

OTTO
And all you want is passage to Greece?

XENA
That’s all. We want to go home.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT.  AIRPORT - MORNING

Xena, Gabrielle and Dr. Leonard are standing on the tarmac, watching as their supplies are loaded aboard the plane by three other members of the research team. Gabrielle is looking at the passport in her hand.

GABRIELLE
Do I want to know how you did this?

OTTO
There are just some things better left unsaid.

GABRIELLE
I can live with that.  

OTTO
Good. All right ladies, this is where the real fun starts. Let’s get aboard and get settled for the flight.

CUT TO:

INT.  AIRPLANE CABIN - NIGHT

Xena and Gabrielle are in the very rear of the passenger section. Gabrielle is asleep against Xena’s shoulder. Xena has her eyes closed, but is not asleep. She is definitely listening to the quiet chatter of the people who are on the expedition. Satisfied with what she is hearing she settles back into her seat and tightens her hold around Gabrielle’s shoulders.

GABRIELLE
You should sleep.

XENA
You were doing a fine job for the both of us.

Gabrielle sits up a little straighter but doesn’t move her head from its human pillow.

GABRIELLE
Anything new coming back?

XENA
Absolutely. Like the fact we’re going to have to be super careful going into those caves.

GABRIELLE
Traps?

XENA
You know me too well.

GABRIELLE
Which is good. I should be able to help get past those little surprises. Do you really think it’s still there after thousands of years?

XENA
I would bet on it. That particular pass was treacherous, high in the mountains.  In a place that no sane person would ever travel, let alone want to live. I really doubt that the area has been developed.

GABRIELLE
Let’s hope you’re right.

FADE TO:

EXT. AIRSTRIP - DAY

Xena stretches, as she is the last one off the plane. Standing at the top of the stairs she slips a pair of dark sunglasses into place and takes a deep breath before slowly going down the steps. Gabrielle is watching as the gear is loaded into three large all-terrain vehicles.  Dr. Leonard keeps a careful eye out as the last is loaded up and then he joins them.

OTTO
We’ll stay in town tonight. It will give us a chance to go over the maps before we start out in the morning. This isn’t going to be an easy trip. Are you sure you want to accompany us up the mountain? You can stay in town.

XENA
And let you have all the fun? 

GABRIELLE
Where would the adventure be in that?

OTTO
If you’re sure.

XENA
We are very sure. We’re going with you. You need us to lead you up that mountain. You won’t be able to drive all the way. We’re going to have to climb about half the way.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - NIGHT

Xena is making more marks on her map as Gabrielle sorts their gear into piles and prepares to pack it in the backpacks leaning against the bed.

XENA
Gabrielle, come here.

Joining Xena on the bed, she sits close and looks at the map.

XENA
(Cont’d)
As I remember it there are five antechambers. They circle the main cavern, like petals on a flower. Three of the chambers contain enough treasure to keep Otto and his crew happy. Two of them are rigged to collapse the second they’re opened.

GABRIELLE
All right.

XENA
I don’t remember which ones are booby-trapped.

GABRIELLE
Peachy.

XENA
Right. So we need to be careful and make sure that no one else gets hurt either.

GABRIELLE
Do you think Dr. Leonard will let you lead the team?

XENA
I hope so. I’d rather be the first one in than have someone else take a chance on being injured.

GABRIELLE
Promise me something?

XENA
Anything.

GABRIELLE
In this world we can’t count on the help from the gods anymore. You have to be careful going in there.  We only have one life this time around.

XENA
I promise.

CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY

The trucks have been parked. Xena, Gabrielle and Otto are pulling on their backpacks as the other three members of the team do the same. They are all dressed for ice and rock climbing.  Xena is double-checking Gabrielle’s rig as she takes survey of the mountain.

GABRIELLE
How far up?

XENA
About ten miles. Maybe twelve.

GABRIELLE
Do you think we’ll make it before dark?

XENA
I just hope we make it before it snows.

GABRIELLE
What?

XENA
Sniff.

Gabrielle does as she is told and groans.

GABRIELLE
Terrific.

XENA
Come on.  Let’s get started.

Xena walks over to the rest of the group with Gabrielle trailing behind, adjusting her pack as she does. Everyone watches Xena expectantly as she tugs on her gloves.

XENA
(Cont’d)
Okay, here’s the drill. We go up single file, with me in the lead and Gabrielle bringing up the rear. We both know this region and what it’s capable of. The weather can change unpredictably up here, raining one minute and snowing the next. We have to stay close to each other in case one of us gets in a jam, the others can offer assistance.

The group agrees with her and they all take a minute to adjust gear before starting up the mountain. 

FADE TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY

The group has stopped for a well-deserved rest after climbing nearly straight up for a couple hours. Xena is looking at a small metal cylindrical object in her hand. Gabrielle joins her, sipping from a cup, which apparently hold a hot liquid. She’s using the steam to help keep her face warm.

GABRIELLE
What are you looking at?

XENA
This thing still amazes me.

GABRIELLE
Your lighter?

XENA
Yeah, silly isn’t it? All my memories are of using flint and stone to start fires and now I can do it with a flick of my thumb.

GABRIELLE
Progress. I like disposable pens.

XENA
Well, once we get to the caves I’ll buy you all the pens you want.

Gabrielle smiles, crinkling her nose just a bit.

GABRIELLE
Thanks.

XENA
How’s the tea?

GABRIELLE
It’s good. I’m starting to get some of the feeling back in my nose. I may have discovered an advantage to Los Angeles. We’re not likely to get frostbite.

One of the members of the team comes over and offers Gabrielle more tea.

GABRIELLE
No thanks, I’ve had plenty.

LARA
Do you think we’ll make it before nightfall?

XENA
I think so, as long as we don’t have any surprises along the way.

CUT TO:

EXT.  CLIFF’S EDGE - DAY

The entire group looks down the side of the cliff, where a bridge used to be. Now all that’s between them and the other side where they need to be is a wide chasm.

OTTO
This qualifies as a surprise.

XENA
It certainly does. There has to be a way around this though... I certainly didn’t come this....

She stops when Gabrielle jabs her in the ribs with her elbow.

XENA
(Cont’d)
I mean there is no way Xena could have come this way. We need to climb up that ridge.

She gestures to her left to a very narrow ledge wrapping around the face of the cliff. Where exactly it leads is unknown but it is their only choice.

OTTO
It looks dangerous.

XENA
It’s not a piece of baklava, that’s for certain. I don’t think we should all go.

He looks at her and nods his head.

OTTO
Now I get it. This was your plan all along wasn’t it?

XENA
What?

OTTO
To get us half way up this Godforsaken mountain and then try to leave us. To try and find the treasure all on your own.

XENA
Now wait a minute....

Before she can continue, two of the men standing behind Otto draw guns.

OTTO
I was afraid this was going to happen. I had to take out an insurance policy. You were just too good to be true. Tie them up.

CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN - EVENING

Xena and Gabrielle are tied back to back with a large tree between them. Both are unconscious. The sun is setting and it’s growing colder. Gabrielle starts to come around with a groan and shakes her head.

GABRIELLE
Gods. Xena?

As clarity returns she begins to struggle with the ropes that bind them.

GABRIELLE
(Cont’d)
Xena! Please wake up!

Xena groans and slowly opens her eyes.

XENA
Tartarus, what a headache. Gabrielle, are you all right?

GABRIELLE
Yeah, I think so just cold and sore.

XENA
Don’t struggle against the ropes; it’s making them tighter.

GABRIELLE
We should have fought them, Xena.

XENA
And end up getting shot? I’m fast Gabrielle, but I can’t catch bullets. Guns are an advancement I can live without. Where’s the sport in them? It’s easy to kill someone with one of those things, but there’s no skill involved.

Gabrielle appears to be getting a little frustrated at Xena’s rambling, not realizing that as Xena is talking, she is indeed managing to free them from the ropes. Xena gets up and reaches down to help Gabrielle up.

GABRIELLE
How did you do that?

XENA
I have many skills. Come on.

GABRIELLE
Are we going after them?

XENA
Eventually. They’ll be busy trying to get up that ledge for a while.

GABRIELLE
Xena, what aren’t you telling me?

XENA
Dr. Leonard is on the up and up but a couple members of his team aren’t. They have no intention of letting him live to get back and claim the glory for finding my treasure.

GABRIELLE
They’re going to kill him.

XENA
That’s the plan.

GABRIELLE
How do you know these things?

XENA
It’s what I do while you’re sleeping.

GABRIELLE
So now what?

Xena is busy tying two ropes together and then around the trunk of the tree. Once she is certain that the rope will hold she tosses it over the side of the cliff.

GABRIELLE
Why did I know that was coming?

XENA
Unfortunately it’s our only way to get where we’re going. And we need to go before it gets much darker. I wasn’t planning on them knocking us out after they tied us up. It cost us valuable time. I’m going over first.  If the rope holds follow me.

GABRIELLE
What do you mean ‘if’?

CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN LEDGE - EVENING

Dr. Leonard and his team are moving slowly up the ledge that Xena had pointed out. It’s clear that they are having a difficult time of it. The wind is howling and snow is blowing around them.  It’s getting more difficult to move as the sun goes down. One of the men who previously held a gun on Xena and Gabrielle is leading the way and practically dragging everyone up with the rope that attaches them.

DAN
We should have killed those bitches. We’re going to die up here.

LARA
Shut up and keep climbing.

OTTO
There’s a cave in the side of the mountain. We should stop for the night and continue in the morning.

DAN
And give them the chance to catch up with us? You are crazy.

LARA
They are not going to catch up with us. They’ve probably frozen to death by now. I think Dr. Leonard is right. We should stop.

CUT TO:

EXT.  MOUNTAIN SIDE - EVENING

Xena is slowly lowering herself down the rope. Gabrielle is following her down, watching carefully below her to make sure she’s not kicking loose ice and dirt down on Xena.

GABRIELLE
How much farther?

XENA
Would you hate me if I told you I don’t remember?

GABRIELLE
Hate is a strong word.

XENA
I’m sure we’re getting close. At least I hope so.  We’re nearly out of rope.

GABRIELLE
You know, you don’t need to save these tidbits of information until the last minute.

Xena chuckles as she flips the rope and looks down to where they need to go.

XENA
Bingo. Just a few yards, but getting in is going to be tricky. We have to get up a little momentum and swing in.

Xena positions herself and waits for Gabrielle to join her. After a little fiddling with the rope, Xena wraps her arms around Gabrielle and kisses her on the nose.

XENA
Ready to go for a ride?

GABRIELLE
Absolutely. I’d follow you anywhere.

XENA
Glad to hear it. Hold on tight.

Xena turns them so that she is facing the side of the mountain and Gabrielle’s back is to it. She places one hand on the mountain to stop their movement. The other hand remains on Gabrielle’s back.

GABRIELLE
You know, holding on to me is a really sweet gesture, but I’d rather you use both hands for this. I would imagine that braking is very important.

XENA
Brakes? Who said anything about brakes? When I cut the rope, tuck and roll.

GABRIELLE
We’re not going to slam into the side of this mountain are we?

XENA
I hope not.  It’ll really mess with my plan.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. CAVE - EVENING

Gabrielle is laying face down on the floor of a dark cave. She isn’t moving, but there is noise right behind her. Then there is click and the flame from a lighter can be seen. A moment later a flashlight flares to life.

XENA
Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
Uggg.

Xena moves across the cave, shedding her backpack as she does. She drops down next to Gabrielle and pulls her up.

XENA
You okay?

GABRIELLE
I’m still in one piece.  Does that count?

XENA
That’s the most important thing.

Xena helps her up and helps her pull off her backpack.

XENA
(Cont’d)
You’re sure you’re all right?

GABRIELLE
Yeah, I’m fine. Just tell me there’s an easier way out.

XENA
There’s an easier way out.

Gabrielle laughs and twists at the waist to loosen up her back.

GABRIELLE
Glad to hear it.

XENA
But before that we have quite a hike through the caverns to get where we need to go.

GABRIELLE
Rats.

XENA
Nah, it’s too cold.

CUT TO:

INT. SHALLOW CAVE - NIGHT

Dr. Leonard and his team are huddled together trying to keep warm, using space blankets and chemical heaters. They watch as the snowfall gets harder, making it impossible to see past the mouth of their shelter.

BUCK
Leonard, there had better be a treasure in this mess. If not, they’ll never find your body.

OTTO
Are you threatening me?

BUCK
No, it’s a promise.

LARA
Buck, calm down. Everything will be fine. We’ll get to the tomb tomorrow. You know we need him.

OTTO
Need me?

LARA
Of course, Doctor. We need your expertise in this matter to find Xena’s treasure. Buck doesn’t know what he’s saying. He’s just tired.

Otto looks at his companions but his peace of mind is clearly shaken.

CUT TO:

INT. CAVERN - NIGHT

Xena and Gabrielle are making their way through caves that haven’t been used in a very long time. Fallen rocks and cobwebs are making the trek dirty, but it’s not overly dangerous.

GABRIELLE
Promise me a long soak in a hot tub when we get out of here.

XENA
Absolutely. We’ll make it a tub big enough for two.

GABRIELLE
Good.

XENA
For a week.

Gabrielle laughs and Xena stops. She shines her flashlight down a fork that leads in three different directions.

XENA
You wanna pick? I don’t remember.

GABRIELLE
Oh no, this is your show. I’m just the sidekick.

XENA
You are many things, but sidekick is not among them. This way.

The head down the left chamber. Their lights are bouncing off the walls of the tunnel. Suddenly Xena stops and puts out her arm to stop Gabrielle. She looks around and finds a large rock, which she tosses down the tunnel. When it hits the floor there is a rumbling and then the floor begins to shake. After a minute the floor in front of them begins to collapse. They hold onto each other as they watch it disappear. When the shaking stops and the dust settles there is a narrow bridge left across the new opening.

XENA
Now comes the tricky park. The remaining floor is on counterbalances.  For every step I take you have to take the same step in unison, right beside me.

GABRIELLE
What about the differences in our weight?

XENA
It’s not that sensitive. We should be fine as long as each step is taken together. Ready?

GABRIELLE
As ready as I can be.

Holding hands, they both look at the expanse before them and in perfect unison starting on their left foot; they take each step together, very slowly.

There is some play and sway in the bridge as they cross it and they’re being very careful not to upset the very delicate balance. Taking each step as if it could be their last, they proceed to the other side, both sighing with profound relief when they step onto solid ground.

XENA
Well, that was fun.

GABRIELLE
I’m just glad that fact came back to you before we went any further. 

She peers back and down into the chasm they have just crossed.

GABRIELLE
(Cont’d)
I imagine that would have been painful.

XENA
Wouldn’t have been on my top ten list of things to do.

Gabrielle adjusts her pack again and shines her flashlight further down the tunnel.

GABRIELLE
What’s on your list?

XENA
I’ll show you later.

GABRIELLE
Promise?

XENA
Absolutely. While we’re soaking in that big tub.

CUT TO:

INT. CAVE - NIGHT

Dr. Leonard and Lara are standing at the mouth of the cave, finding that the path they were on is now blocked in both directions and they’re fighting to keep snow from walling up the entrance of their shelter.

OTTO
I’m sorry about this.

LARA
You had no way of knowing she would double cross you.

OTTO
I’m not so sure that they were the ones. They seem awfully willing to toss me off this mountain.

LARA
They do have their own agenda Dr. Leonard, but you and I can form an alliance against them.

OTTO
Why should I trust you?

LARA
You shouldn’t, but face it. I’m your best bet for getting out of here alive.

OTTO
Some choice.

LARA
It’s better than not having any at all.

CUT TO:

INT. CAVE - NIGHT

Xena and Gabrielle are both leaning into what appears to be a solid wall, trying to make is move under their weight.

XENA
Come on, come on.

GABRIELLE
Are you sure this is the wall?

XENA
Positive. Let’s try again.

Grunting, they throw their weight into the wall to no avail. Xena stands up and pounds her fist against the wall.

XENA
Damn! I know this is the way in. I remember distinctly.

GABRIELLE
Maybe there’s something that needs to be done before it will move.

Xena stares at the wall, then a smile creeps slowly across her face and she grabs Gabrielle giving her a sound kiss.

XENA
You are brilliant!

Leaving Gabrielle standing with a silly little grin on her face, Xena begins searching the wall and finds what she’s looking for. A handprint left there thousands of years ago.

XENA
Well, this is where we find out how much of an exact copy I really am.

She places her hand in the imprint, and then leans her shoulder into the wall, which now slides open.

CUT TO:

INT. CAVERN - NIGHT 

Xena stands with a grin as the light in her hand shines off of gold and gems that fill the cavern. Gabrielle comes up behind Xena, and her eyes widen as her light joins Xena’s.

GABRIELLE
Holy smoke.

XENA
Told ya.

Gabrielle wanders down into the cavern, her fingers grazing over the bags and trunks that hold all the treasure.

GABRIELLE
Where did it all come from?

XENA
Various campaigns. The last time I was here I dropped the gold from a campaign in the Corinth region.

She steps further in and sighs as she takes a seat on a trunk.

XENA
(Cont’d)
Even then I knew something had to change, but knowing my own nature and knowing that the best of intentions didn’t guarantee me success, I decided to leave this here, just in case.

Gabrielle moves to her and kneels in front of her, placing one hand on Xena’s knee and the other on her cheek.

GABRIELLE
You know, I think the original Gabrielle would have asked Xena to give this money away.

XENA
You’re not going to ask me to do that are you?

GABRIELLE
No.

XENA
No?

GABRIELLE
No. What you said makes a lot of sense. This is an entirely different world than we are used to. We can’t survive that way any more. This will make this life easier. We should do it.

XENA
(teasingly)
Why Gabrielle, am I bringing you over to the dark side?

GABRIELLE
Just the realistic side, Xena.  It would be naïve of me to think that we would ever be able to do anything other than live in dumps, taking jobs that are just this side of legal.  

Xena leans in and rest her forehead against Gabrielle’s.

XENA
I gotta tell ya’... you make good sense, Ethel.

GABRIELLE
Now, we need to consider saving Dr. Leonard’s bacon.

XENA
I’ll be glad to save his bacon. The other’s can fry as far as I’m concerned.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

XENA
Oh all right, but we’re going to make sure that they’re turned over to the authorities.

GABRIELLE
That’s fair.

Xena stands and shines her light to the opposite side of the cavern.

XENA
That’s the way out. It’s a lot easier than the way in.

GABRIELLE
Anything would have been easier.

XENA
Don’t bet on it.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

EXT. MOUNTAIN PATH - MORNING

Xena is standing in front of the cave where Dr. Leonard and his team had taken refuge. She laughs as she sees it’s covered in snow and they’re trapped.

GABRIELLE
Xena, it’s not funny.  They may have frozen to death in there. We didn’t exactly have an easy time getting here through the snow.

XENA
They’re fine. The fact that they got snowed in there probably saved their lives. The snow insulated them and kept them warm.

She removes a small shovel from her pack and begins digging. Gabrielle uses her own shovel to keep the snow Xena is moving from piling up around them and to keep their own path clear.

After a few more minutes of work, Xena knocks a small hole in the snow and shines her light in. Peering inside she smiles again at the predicament of the team.

XENA
Anyone home?

BUCK
Get us the hell out of here!

XENA
Temper, temper. Before my lovely assistant and I extricate you from your little snow tomb, toss your guns out here.

DAN
Go to hell!

XENA
Have it your way.  Gabrielle, give me a hand in covering them back up. We can come back for them in the spring.

OTTO
Wait! I swear to you I didn’t know....

XENA
Save it Doc. They were your insurance policy. Now they’re your problem. See you during the thaw.

OTTO
Please!

Xena jumps back a bit when Dr. Leonard’s face appears in the small hole.

OTTO
Please get us out of here and you can have the treasure!

Before Xena can answer there is a shot from the other side of the snow bank and Otto disappears.  Without hesitation, she begins digging into the snow, making the whole bigger. When she realizes it’s her own body that’s now framed in the hole, she hits the dirt just as a shot sounds and a bullet whizzes by her head.

Rolling to her left, Xena uses her legs to whirl around and knock Buck of his feet by tangling her legs with his. Then she scrambles over him, grabbing his gun and rolling over to fire it into Dan. One shot sounds and he slumps against the wall a small hole right in the center of his forehead.  His gun falls to the ground.

Lara is about to dive for it when a hard packed snowball hits her in the face, blinding her and giving Xena time to get the other gun and toss it out of the cavern. Assured that everyone is behaving themselves for the moment she looks up to find Gabrielle packing another snowball.

XENA
That was good thinking.

GABRIELLE
You have to use what you’ve got handy. I’ve got lots of snow.

Xena reaches over and helps Dr. Leonard up.

XENA
Are you all right?

OTTO
Thanks to you, yes.

CUT TO:

EXT.  MOUNTAIN PATH - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle are walking behind everyone else. Dr. Leonard is walking free, but Buck and Lara are tethered together, tied securely.

XENA
Keep moving.

OTTO
Did you really find the treasure?

XENA
No, I often take walks in frigid weather on the side of a mountain in Greece for my health. Keep moving.

She looks at Gabrielle and rolls her eyes. Gabrielle tries to mask a grin but isn’t very successful.  As they all move into the mouth of the cave, Xena yanks the rope she is holding and tosses it over a support beam that runs the width of the cave. She ties it off, making sure that her prisoners are secure.

XENA
That should hold you.

BUCK
You bitch!

XENA
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? 

BUCK
Bite me!

XENA
I don’t eat pork.

She pats the side of his face as she pulls a large piece of cloth from her jacket pocket holding it right in front of his face.

XENA
(Cont’d)
Now, let me clue you in. We’re very lucky that your little stunt back there didn’t cause an avalanche. Up here, any loud noise is bound to do just that, so you have your choice, you can be quite or I can keep you quiet.

He snarls at her but doesn’t say anything.

XENA
(Cont’d)
Good boy.

CUT TO:

INT. CAVE - DAY

Dr. Leonard is carefully following Xena and Gabrielle into the cave. He’s not paying attention when they stop and he walks right into Xena’s back. He backs off immediately when he hears her growl. She straightens and turns to him.

XENA
(Cont’d)
It’s in there.

She taps on what appears to be a solid wall.

OTTO
Xena’s treasure?

GABRIELLE
No, Aladdin’s lamp.

Xena chuckles at Gabrielle’s answer. Apparently her partner’s nerves are as frazzled as her own. She finds a grip in the rock and pushes until the rock slides away, revealing a much smaller room than the one they had been in before. Still, the room is filled with treasures of various types, including many weapons. Dr. Leonard is quick to begin his inspection as Xena and Gabrielle wander around the room. Xena picks up a sword, hefts its weight and smiles.

XENA
Hey Doc?

OTTO
Yes?

XENA
Would you be horribly offended if I kept this?

He turns to see what she’s holding. He shrugs, apparently not the least bit concerned.

OTTO
Not at all. It’s the least I can do for you.

XENA
I agree.

OTTO
Now the question becomes, how do I get all of this out of here?

XENA
I’ll make you a deal.

OTTO
Yes?

XENA
If you promise to take this treasure, leave and never come back here and never tell anyone where this place is, we’ll help you get it down the mountain.

OTTO
Why?

XENA
Whether you believe what we told you about being descendants or not, it is true and this is the only connection we have to them. For us it’s kind of a final resting place. I’d rather not have it disturbed further.

Dr. Leonard nods thoughtfully.

OTTO
I can understand that. I give you my word.

XENA
Thank you.

CUT TO:

EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle are lying on a white sandy beach under an umbrella, sipping frosty drinks with paper umbrellas. They both have on something that some people would call bikinis. Both are wearing dark sunglasses and they look very happy.

GABRIELLE
This is the life.

XENA
It’s pretty good.

GABRIELLE
Do you feel guilty?

Xena lowers her glasses and looks over the top of them.

XENA
What the hell for?

GABRIELLE
I mean come on, Xena.  It’s in our genetic make-up to be heroes and here we are lying on a beautiful beach drinking rum laced cocktails.

XENA
We’ve earned this.

She rolls over on her side and brushes a strand of hair from Gabrielle’s face.

XENA
(Cont’d)
I’ll make you a deal.

GABRIELLE
Yes?

XENA
After a few more days of this, we’ll go off and try to find an adventure of some type.

GABRIELLE
Really?

XENA
Sure. If that will make you happy, we’ll do it.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT FOUR

TAG

FADE IN:

EXT. FREEWAY - DAY

They are in a red convertible.  Xena is driving and Gabrielle is in the passenger’s seat. 

XENA
This is not what I had in mind about an adventure. Are you sure about this?

GABRIELLE
I’m sure. It’ll be a blast.

XENA
(doubtfully)
Uh huh.

GABRIELLE
Besides, how often are we going to get to see THEM?

XENA
Them and five thousand crazed fans of the show.

GABRIELLE
You’ll have a great time. You’ll be the center of attention.

XENA
Remind me that if that Rob guy shows up I want to have a word with him.

With a flick of her hand, Xena hits the left turn signal and changes lanes, following the signs to Pasadena.

FADE OUT.

DISCLAIMER
No clones were harmed during the production of this motion picture but the graphics department is ready to smack the writer.