|Episode Guide||Teaser||Act 1||Act 2||Act 3||Act 4|
EXT. FOOTPATH - MORNING
Xena and Gabrielle are walking along a moderately shaded footpath. They do not converse, but there is a sense of them genuinely enjoying one another’s company. The tension from the night before is absent.
A sparkle of light and Aphrodite appears, her hair slightly mussed and her gown just a bit off center. She looks a beat too long at Gabrielle, which immediately raises Xena’s hackles.
Thank me I’ve found you!
Please, guys, you, like,
gotta come with me right now!
I don’t have time to argue
with you, leatherbabe.
Just trust me, ok?
Before Xena can say a word otherwise, Aphrodite grabs her wrist and Gabrielle’s then vanishes, taking both women with her.
EXT. TEMPLE OF APHRODITE - SOMEWHERE IN GREECE
Aphrodite, Xena, and Gabrielle materialize just outside of a large, garish temple. It is a true monstrosity, done up in different shades of pink, with a large, pink marble statue of the Goddess herself standing just beside a pink fountain spouting pink water from the mouths of pink cherubs.
Xena curls her lip.
Gabrielle looks distinctly ill.
Pretty cool, huh?
I designed it myself!
Silence descends upon the group. Gabrielle turns her head to stare at Aphrodite, her eyes widening and narrowing in a sort of SOS for mimes. Aphrodite stares back, unfazed.
Well what, sweet pea?
Gabrielle grits her teeth.
If looks could kill, Gabrielle’s would have rendered Aphrodite as lifeless as the statue she stands beside.
Ohhhh! The emergency!
It’s right through here.
You guys gotta see this!
Aphrodite walks to the door and flings it open, gesturing to both of them.
C’mon! You won’t believe it!
Xena and Gabrielle rush past her and into the temple. Then they stop dead and stare.
You’re right.... I don’t believe it.
If the outside of the temple was garish, the inside is a true monstrosity of pink; a Mary Kay nightmare come to Technicolor life. It almost hurts the eyes to look at, and Gabrielle spares a second to wonder if what she’s seeing is really what she should be seeing.
Is it…supposed to look like this?
Aphrodite turns to look at her.
Well, duh! Of course it is, Gabs!
This is, like, my secret hideaway.
Totally fab, right?
Xena then turns to Aphrodite, her eyes narrow and glittering.
All right, Aphrodite, aside from letting
us know you regularly get your interior
decorators stoned on henbane so
they can create these monstrosities,
what was so important that you
had to bring us here?
Gabrielle looks at the Goddess as well, wondering the same thing… with just a bit of panic.
It’s over here. Look!
Aphrodite leads them over to a garish standing mirror.
See what? It’s a mirror.
Like, duh, Xena. It’s not just a
mirror. It’s a special mirror.
Hephy made it for me before
you, like… you know....
She makes a slashing gesture across her throat.
She turns and speaks to the mirror.
Mirror, mirror, standing tall, who’s like,
he most fabuloso Goddess of them all?
(in Aphrodite’s voice)
Well, duh! Like, you are, you
bodacious, bitchin’ babe, you!
Xena rolls her eyes. Gabrielle just stares.
Aphrodite stamps her foot.
Gabby, you tell her!
Gabrielle’s smile reaches only as far as her lips. Her eyes are hard as diamonds.
Oh no, Aphrodite. I couldn’t
possibly tell it as well as you.
Somebody better start telling me
something or this temple’s gonna start
looking even worse than it does now.
She mutters under her breath.
Can’t you see? They broke it!
Broke what? Who broke...?
Jaw clenched, Xena closes her eyes and takes several deep, calming breaths.
For her part, Gabrielle is having a curiously satisfying mental fantasy of holding Aphrodite’s face under water and beating her senseless with her orange and pink flowered bathing cap.
Xena’s eyes finally open. Outwardly, she appears calm, though Gabrielle can easily feel the roiling tension within.
(cont’d, deceptively soft)
Who broke the mirror, Aphrodite?
Well, like, if I knew, I wouldn’t
need your help, would I?
She continues, noting Xena’s clenched fists.
I don’t know, Xena! Just some
scruffy smelly bandit dudes, I
guess. And look! They
even trashed my temple!
How can you even tell?
Aphrodite eyes her. Gabrielle smirks.
(still deceptively soft)
Over there! Can’t you see it?
My poor, poor temple.
As Xena steps off in the direction of Aphrodite’s pointing finger, the Goddess slams her hip into the table standing beside the mirror. A large pink vase tips back and forth, and, with another hard check to the table, falls to the floor with a resounding smash.
And look! They even destroyed
my favorite vase! Those…
those… those… losers!
Xena spins toward Aphrodite, teeth bared in a feral snarl.
All right. That’s it. I’m outta here.
C’mon, Gabrielle. Maybe we can
make it to Poteidia before dark.
With that, she storms out of the temple.
Gabrielle rounds on Aphrodite, her expression remarkably similar to Xena’s.
This was your plan?!
Hey! It was the best I
could do on short notice!
Short notice?! Aphrodite,
you had an entire day!
She hangs her head, beating at her thighs with her clenched fists.
Gods! How could I have been so
stupid?!? Xena’s warned me never
to ask for help from a god, but no, I
just had to do it. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Aphrodite’s face falls.
Oh, I’m sorry, sweet pea! I wanted
to help! I really did! I… guess I just
kinda got caught up in other things.
Gabrielle sighs and reins in her temper.
Look. I appreciate that you wanted to
help, Aphrodite. It’s just that.... Forget it.
Thank you for trying. I mean that.
I’ll… see you around, ok?
As Gabrielle heads for the door, Aphrodite’s expression becomes determined.
Gabby! Gabby, wait!
Gabrielle stops, but doesn’t turn.
Just… stay here a minute, ok?
Please? I’ll be right back.
When Gabrielle finally does turn, the Goddess is gone.
EXT. APHRODITE’S TEMPLE - MID-MORNING
Xena is pacing next to the fountain, waiting for Gabrielle to join her. Instead, Aphrodite materializes, though without her usual fanfare and pink sparkles.
Xena, I’m sorry, ok?
Xena looks at her, but remains silent.
Look, I know that was a mean trick I
pulled, but the truth is.... I’m lonely.
Yeah, yeah, I know, what a joke,
right? The Goddess of Love lonely.
As if! But it’s true. And you and
Gabby are, like, my friends and I
kinda just wanted to, you know,
hang out with you guys awhile.
Why didn’t you ask?
Come on, leatherbabe. You’re, like,
the big WP! You don’t do the
“hang out” thing, ya know?
So you tricked us.
Bummer, right? I’m really sorry.
Xena thinks about it, then finally nods.
Fine. But you’d better ask Gabrielle
if she has time to hang out, since we’re
supposed to be in Poteidia tomorrow.
Oh yeah! I heard. Teaching
those hornychicks, right?
Xena’s hackles go right back up.
How do you know about that?
Duh, Xena. I’m a
Now listen, Xe. If Gabby says yes, well,
I know you’ll be, like, bored out of that
beautiful skull of yours with our girl talk,
so…. There’s a stream right around the
corner absolutely packed with those
squirmy slimy sea creatures you warrior
types love to catch, so have at it, k?
Me and the Gabster will get
you when we’re done.
Laughing, Aphrodite disappears. After a moment, Xena gives a slight shrug of her shoulders and heads around the corner to whatever fate awaits her.
END OF ACT THREE