|Episode Guide||Teaser||Act 1||Act 2||Act 3||Act 4|
EXT. CAMPSITE - MORNING
Xena and Gabrielle have finished dressing and are hastily breaking camp as the screams come from high above.
Very high above.
Xena places all their gear off to one side of the camp, well away from the still growing beanstalk.
Argo whinnies and shakes her head.
(contíd, to Gabrielle)
They begin to climb.
EXT. BEANSTALK - DAY
The two women have been climbing for what seems like hours. Gabrielle and Xena are both a bit winded and sweaty as they continue to climb with no end in sight.
Yíknow, Xena... when weíre done
with this latest... rescue of the week
thing, I think... we should just trade
in our weapons for... a falafel stand
outside Athens... and let...
someone else do the hero stuff
for a change. What do you say?
I say ďkeep climbingĒ.
Thatís... what I
thought youíd say.
EXT. BEANSTALK - DAY
At last, the end is in sight. Above Xenaís head is what appears to be the wooden foundation of a rather large house. The beanstalk theyíre climbing goes up through a square hole in the floor.
Xena climbs through the hole, then steps off onto a wooden floor. She guides Gabrielle to her side.
Whew! Thereís my exercise
quotient for the year.
Straightening, she looks around.
INT. HOUSE - DAY
They are in a house built for a giant. Ahead looms a massive table surrounded by four chairs. The chair seats are at least a foot above Xenaís head, the table nearly twice that high.
Grasping Gabrielleís arm, Xena pulls her beneath a footstool that could comfortably house a family of ten.
All is silent.
FE... FI... FO... FUM...
I SMELL THE BLOOD OF...
A THIEF! THERE YOU ARE!!
GIVE ME BACK MY
Ha! Youíll have to
catch me first!!
The entire house shakes as loud, booming footsteps are heard coming closer. Just then, a tall, thin young man runs into the room, holding a silver candlestick half his size. His eyes are wide and round with fright and he desperately looks around for any means of escape.
Xena reaches out and grabs the young manís arm with one hand, and plucks the candlestick from his hand with the other, depositing the heavy object in Gabrielleís arms while she turns the man to face her.
You the one yelling for help?
Who...? What...? How...?
Yes or no.
You want outta here?
Of course! But....
Xena points in the direction of the beanstalk.
Thereís your exit. Get on, climb
down, and donít stop climbing
till you hit the ground, got me?
Iíll take care of him.
The house shakes again as the giant enters the room. He stops just in front of the footstool, and Xena and Gabrielle are treated to the sight of ten very large, very hairy, and very ugly toes that peak out from leather sandals.
FE... FI... FO... FUM....
Their hiding space suddenly levitates as the giant bends over and picks it up. He stares down at them, red-faced with anger.
Before Xena can move, the giant plucks Gabrielle off the ground, candlestick and all. Gabrielle twists and turns, but to no avail. Finally she lifts the giant candlestick and starts beating the giant over the head with it.
Let me go, you hairy, smelly,
overgrown piece of....
Gabrielle manages to duck just as the chakram whizzes over her head, bouncing off of the giantís broad, low forehead and cutting open the lump Gabrielleís managed to raise. It then rebounds off the candlestick, turns in mid air, and slices across the hand holding Gabrielle. He opens his hand in reflex. Gabrielle drops.
Xena catches the chakram, then Gabrielle.
All righty, then. Thatís about
all the fun I can handle in
one day. Can we go now?
Sure. Letís just....
YOUíRE NOT GOING
Leather creaks as the giant slowly bends at the waist, both hands extended. Unsheathing her sword, Xena grins at Gabrielle. Unsheathing her sais, Gabrielle grins back.
But you are!
One sharp sword and two pointy sais sink themselves into the tender flesh of the giantís feet with perfect symmetry. Xena and Gabrielle quickly jump out of the way as the giantís knees buckle and he continues to fall, hitting the floor and creating a giant-shaped hole.
Unfortunately, said hole happens to be directly over the one admitting the beanstalk, which crumbles under the great weight of the giant, and falls away, leaving Xena and Gabrielle stranded inside the house with no way of returning.
Well, isnít this just shaping
up to be one of those days?!
Xena chuckles softly and puts an arm around Gabrielleís shoulders.
Címon. This is us youíre
talking about. Every day
is Ďone of those daysí.
True. Now what?
(off camera and sounding
suspiciously like Rosie OíDonnell)
Excuse me! Yoo hoo!
Gabrielle looks at Xena, who is focusing on the hole in the ground.
Gabrielle straightens and turns in the direction of a high shelf.
Yeah, you! What, you think
Iím talkiní to myself up here?
Where are you? I donít....
What are ya, blind or somethiní?
Ya lookiní right at me!
Reaching out, Gabrielle taps Xena on the back.
Thereís... a golden harp
on that shelf up there....
Itís talking to me.
Xena straightens and slowly turns.
Ooooh! Tall, dark, and butch
as hell! Címere, and give
mama some looove!
Xena hefts her chakram, bearing her teeth.
Howíd you like your
strings sliced in half?
She always like this?
Come on, Gabrielle.
Letís find another way
out of this dump.
Now wait a minute!
Canít youse take a joke
or nothiní? Sheesh!
Xena narrows her eyes, giving the harp the look.
Just listen up, all right? Youse
want outta here, I want outta here.
Maybe we can help each other.
You pluck my strings, I pluck
yours. Howsabout it?
The harp waggles its golden eyebrows and leers at the duo.
Xena lifts her chakram higher, preparing to throw.
Gabrielle touches her wrist.
Do you know the
way out of here?
Course I do! What, youse
think I was just tuned
yesterday or somethiní?
So... if we promise to
take you with us, youíll
show us the way?
Duhhhh! Ainít I just been
sayiní that? Sheesh!
Xena... could youÖ?
The rest of the question trails off as Xena dashes across the floor, jumps, flips, lands on the counter, grabs the harp, jumps, flips again, and lands beside Gabrielle, harp in hand.
Whoa... youse got some nice
fingers there, toots. You can
fondle my strings any... oof!
The harp suddenly finds itself thrust unceremoniously against Gabrielleís chest.
Heyyyy! Now this is liviní!
Plays strains of ďIím in HeavenĒ.
Gabrielle thrusts her arms straight out, dangling the harp by one finger.
Sheesh. Youse guys
ainít no fun at all.
EXT. GIANTíS YARD - NIGHT
A full moon shines over the overgrown lawn. A breeze blows along grasses that are almost as tall as Xena.
Ya see that first class piece of
real estate over that hill there?
A turret rises from beyond the hill; a large blue and yellow pennant snaps from its very tip.
I see it.
The little princey that lives there
ainít bad, for a guy. He used to own
me til that stupid giant stole me.
What does that have to do
with getting us out of here?
Well, if youse would gimme a second,
Iíd tell ya. Sheesh! Anyway, princeyís
having a ball tonight, right? All the
nice lookiní chicks are cominí all dolled
up, see, and the one he digs the most
will be his princess, see? Say! Neither
of youse two would be interested in....
Both Xena and Gabrielle stare at the harp.
Nah. Didnít think so. So, anyways,
you just go up to him and give me back,
sorta like a wedding present, see, and
heíll be so happy that heíll give ya
anything ya want! Heck, Iíll bet he
even sends some of his guards with
ya to make sure youse gets home safe!
Xena and Gabrielle exchange doubtful looks.
Well, I suppose itís
better than nothing.
Of course it is! So, címon!
Letís get goiní already! The
night ainít getting younger,
ya know! Sheesh!
Rolling her eyes, Xena starts off toward the castle in the far distance.
END OF ACT ONE