Episode Guide Teaser Act 1 Act 2 Act 3 Act 4


ACT TWO

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - NIGHT

 

It is very late by the time Xena, Gabrielle, and the mouthy harp make it onto the castle grounds.  The grounds are lit by many blazing torches whose flickering light plays over magnificent coaches, horses, fancily-dressed footmen, and dozens of beautiful women dressed in exquisite ball gowns.  Gay music and laughter filters out from the castle, and excitement fills the air.

 

The loud sound of a clock chiming the hour cuts through the noise, causing Xena and Gabrielle to stop in their tracks.

 

GABRIELLE

What was that?

 

HARP

What?  Ainít youse never

heard a clock striking before?

 

GABRIELLE

Whatís a clock?

 

HARP

Yer jokiní right?

 

Gabrielle gives her a blank look.

 

HARP

(contíd)

You ainít jokiní.  What rock

did youse two crawl out

from under, anyway?

 

Before either can answer, an extremely beautiful blonde woman comes rushing out of the castle and down the stairs.  A second later, a very handsome, well dressed man follows.

 

MAN

Wait!  Come back!

Please come back!!

 

The young woman continues to run as if Cerberus is at her heels.

 

Three rather ugly women attempt to restrain the prince, but he shakes himself free of their harsh grip and continues down the stairs.

 

MAN

(contíd)

Please, wait!!  Come back!!

 

HARP

Thatís the prince!  Quick,

bring me to him and

youseíll get your wish!

 

As Xena and Gabrielle start forward, the blonde woman runs past, gasping and sobbing.  Just as she passes them, she trips and falls into the mud, then struggles to get up, twisted in the fabric of her gown.

 

GABRIELLE

(to Xena)

Go on!  Iíll catch up!

 

 

With a nod, Xena grabs the harp and starts off for the Prince.

 

The clock continues to chime as Gabrielle squats down and grasps the young womanís arm.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

Here, let me help.

Are you hurt?

 

WOMAN

Please, let me go!

I have to....

 

GABRIELLE

All right.  Itís all right.

Youíre just twisted in this....

 

With a mighty heave, the young woman regains her feet and pulls away from Gabrielle, leaving the bard with a handful of muddy fabric for her pains.

 

Gabrielle struggles to her feet just in time to see the sobbing young woman dart out from the ring of torchlight, running toward what appears to be a rather large pumpkin.

 

GABRIELLE

Wait!

 

XENA

Gabrielle!

 

Gabrielle turns to see Xena and the prince, now bearing the golden harp, running toward them.  She takes a step forward, only to feel something CRUNCH beneath her boot.  She looks down.

 

GABRIELLE

Wha...?

 

The prince slides to a stop in front of Gabrielle, looking down at the shattered glass that now litters the ground.

 

PRINCE

Oh no!  You wouldnít!

You couldnít!  You did!

How could you??

 

GABRIELLE

What?  What did I do?

 

The prince falls to his knees, scooping up the remains of what had once been an exquisite glass slipper.  He cradles the shards to his chest, sobbing theatrically.

 

PRINCE

My life is ruined!!

 

Gabrielle looks to Xena for enlightenment.

 

XENA

That woman who ran away

was supposed to marry the prince.

 

 

GABRIELLE

Well, she couldnít have

gotten too far.  We could just....

 

PRINCE

You donít understand!

You ruined it!

You ruined everything!!

 

HARP

Way ta go there, chickie.  That

glass slipper ya pulverized was

supposed ta lead him to her.

He woulda slipped it on her foot,

it woulda fit like a glove, and poof!

Happily ever after!  But now....

 

The harp strums a dirge.

 

GABRIELLE

I didnít know!

I was just trying to....

 

The prince stands up, red-faced with anger.

 

PRINCE

This woman is a

traitor to the realm.

(to his guards)

Get her!!!

 

Gabrielle looks to Xena

 

GABRIELLE

Run?

 

 

XENA

Run.

 

The two bolt off away from the grounds and in the direction of a thick stand of trees just to the west.  Several dozen guards race off, hot on their heels.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. TREE - NIGHT 

 

Xena and Gabrielle are crouched high up in a tree, watching as the last of the princeís guards straggle back toward the castle, their chase thwarted.

 

GABRIELLE

Iím sorry, Xena. 

I didnít know....

 

XENA

Nothing to be sorry for.

This place is screwed up.

 

GABRIELLE

I know.  It almost feels like weíve

been dropped into the middle of

a story where everyone knows

whatís going on but us.  At least

we got rid of that stupid harp.

 

Xena laughs softly.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

SoÖ what now?

 

Her rumbling stomach answers her question for her.  A yawn follows.

 

Xena cocks her head slightly.

 

XENA

Smell that?

 

 

Gabrielle sniffs.

 

GABRIELLE

A fire.  A cook fire, unless

I miss my guess.

 

XENA

I think your guess is right on.

Címon. Maybe weíll run into

some good luck for a change.

 

GABRIELLE

Thatíd be a welcome surprise.

 

The two silently climb down from their high perch and land on the ground below.

 

XENA

Letís go.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

 

A sturdy brick house stands in the center of a large clearing.  Mellow light gleams from the frosted windows.  Gabrielle peers into one of the windows to see a young girl with golden curls happily eating at a large table.  Gabrielle knocks on the window.  The girl looks up, and scowls.

 

GIRL

Hey!  Get outta here!

This is my beat!

 

GABRIELLE

Thatís not very polite.

 

GIRL

Scram!

 

Having heard more than enough for one evening, Xena strides over to the door and blasts it open.  Gabrielle quickly follows, just in case Xena might be of a mind to have minced blonde for dinner. Laying a hand on Xenaís wrist, Gabrielle looks at the girl.

 

GABRIELLE

Look.  Itís very late and very

cold, and weíre very hungry.

 

GIRL

(sullenly)

So?  What do you want

me to do about it?

 

GABRIELLE

Well, you seem to have

plenty of food.  If you could

just share a little bit with us....

 

GIRL

Donít wanna share.

 

GABRIELLE

Please?  Just a little, and

then weíll be gone.  I promise.

 

The girl thinks for a minute, then eyes the other two bowls sitting on the table.  An evil grin comes over her face.

 

GIRL

You want some?  Fine.

You can have those two.

 

 

GABRIELLE

Thatís very kind of you.  Thanks.

Iím Gabrielle, and this is Xena.

 

GIRL

Iím Goldilocks.

 

GABRIELLE

Goldilocks, huh?  Thatís a

very... pretty... name.

 

The girl primps said golden locks.

 

GOLDILOCKS

My mother thinks so.

 

GABRIELLE

Is your mother here?

 

GOLDILOCKS

Hah!  She wouldnít come within

a mile of this place, scardycat!

 

GABRIELLE

Why?

 

Another evil grin.

 

GOLDILOCKS

Youíll see.

 

With a little shrug, Gabrielle rounds the table and takes the seat next to Goldilocks.  Xena sits at the head of the table, and immediately digs in to the bowl of porridge.  As the girl watches, smirking, redness travels up from Xenaís neck to her forehead.  Her mouth opens, and flames shoot out across the table, lighting four candles, two torches, and the wood in the fireplace.

 

GOLDILOCKS

(slyly)

Little hot, ainít it?

 

Gabrielle spoons up her porridge and takes in a mouthful.  Her face immediately pales, and icicles form on her brow and nose.

 

GOLDILOCKS

(contíd)

Heh.

 

Without saying a word, Xena and Gabrielle simply pick up their bowls and mix the two together, hot to cold and cold to hot until both bowls areÖ.

 

GABRIELLE

Yum.  Just right.

 

 

Goldilocks scowls.

 

Xena smirks.

 

The trio finishes their meal in blessed silence.  Gabrielle then gives forth a jaw-cracking yawn and her eyes slip to half-mast.

 

Seeing this, Goldilocks jumps up from the table and runs into another room, laughing maniacally.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. BEDROOM Ė NIGHT

 

The bedroom is large and warm, and has three beds.  The smallest of the beds is already occupied by Goldilocks, who glares at them over the top of the covers.

 

GOLDILOCKS

And donít you even try to

kick me out of here neither.

 

Wordlessly, Xena goes over to the largest of the beds and sits down.  The mattress moves not an inch, and her chakram clicks against it as if hitting a rock.  Sparks fly.

 

GABRIELLE

Little hard?

 

Xena taps the mattress with her knuckles.

 

XENA

As a rock.

 

Gabrielle walks over to the second bed.

 

GABRIELLE

Well, we could always

try this... floofph!

 

As Xena watches, Gabrielle all but disappears into the exceedingly soft mattress.  Her head and her feet, which are almost touching her nose, are the only things Xena can see.

 

XENA

A bit soft, I see.

 

 

GABRIELLE

Grooomph!

 

Removing her armor and weapons, Xena approaches the bed and very gingerly sits down on the mattress...

 

... and is immediately swallowed up.  She rolls as she sinks so that she winds up face to face, body to body, with Gabrielle.  Gabrielle grins.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

Well, there are certainly

worse ways I could think

of to spend the night.

 

XENA

Oh yeah. 

This is just right.

 

Goldilocks scowls.

 

Xena embraces Gabrielle and kisses her soundly.  Then, with a little more wriggling and scooching, they are finally comfortable in their very soft, very warm nest.

 

GABRIELLE

Good night, Xena.

 

XENA

Mm. Gínight.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

 

Xena and Gabrielle awaken to the sound of a door opening and three heavy treads entering the house.

 

MALE VOICE

(off camera and very stilted)

Oh, look. Someone. Has.

Been. Eating. My. Porridge.

 

FEMALE VOICE

(off camera and very stilted)

And someone. Has. Been.

Eating. My. Porridge. Too.

 

CHILDíS VOICE

(off camera)

Hey!  Mineís all gone too!

What gives?

 

 

MALE VOICE

We. Should. Check. Out.

The. Sitting. Room.

 

FEMALE VOICE

OK.

 

CHILDíS VOICE

Letís go!

 

More heavy tromping ensues.

 

MALE VOICE

Huh.  No oneís been

sitting in my chair.

 

FEMALE VOICE

Mine either!

 

CHILDíS VOICE

Nor mine!  Letís go

to the bedroom!

 

Xena quickly throws the covers over her head as the three bears tromp into the bedroom.

 

PAPA BEAR

Oh. Look.  Someone. Has.

Been. Sleeping. In. My. Bed.

 

MAMA BEAR

Someone. Has. Been.

Sleeping. In. My. Bed. Too!

 

Mama bear pulls back the covers, exposing Xena and Gabrielle.  She looks at them, wide eyed with shock.

 

 

MAMA BEAR

(contíd)

What are you two doing here?

Youíre not supposed to be

sleeping in this bed!  Itís a travesty!

 

GABRIELLE

Surprise?

 

 

BABY BEAR

Hey!  No fair!  It was my turn

to find someone in my bed.

WAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

 

GOLDILOCKS

Here I am!

 

BABY BEAR

Not fair!  Not fair!

WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

 

PAPA BEAR

All right, thatís it.  Iím through

with all this.  Iím talking to my

union.  Stupid script changes.

 

MAMA BEAR

Iím with you, Ralph.  Frankie,

get your fuzzy butt over here.

Weíre leaving!

 

GOLDILOCKS

Hey!  Donít leave!

Iím right here, see?

 

Goldilocks jumps up and down on the bed, then turns a few cartwheels for good measure.

 

GOLDILOCKS

(contíd)

Look at me!  Wheeeee!

Iím in Baby Bearís bed!  See??

 

BABY BEAR

WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

 

Mama Bear grabs Baby Bear and tows him out of the house, still muttering.  Goldilocks jumps out of the bed and stomps over to Xena and Gabrielle, hands planted on her hips.

 

GOLDILOCKS

Whyíd you have to go and do

something like that, huh?  You

ruined everything, stupid grown-ups!

 

She sticks out her tongue, then stomps away, leaving our intrepid duo staring after them, dumbstruck.

 

FADE OUT.

 

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE