Episode Guide Teaser Act 1 Act 2 Act 3 Act 4


ACT FOUR

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

 

Just as Xena and Gabrielle are approaching the castle, lightning splits the darkened sky, thunder rolls, and rain pours down by the bucketful.  Looking none too pleased with the situation, Xena steps up to the large door and knocks upon it.

 

After a moment, the door is opened by an elderly, bearded, and rather rotund man wearing a fur cloak and a golden crown; he is obviously the King.

 

KING

Sorry.  We gave at the office.

 

He begins to close the door, only to have his motion stopped by a strong hand that grasps the doorís edge and pushes.

 

XENA

Look.  Iím cold, Iím wet, and Iím

very tired of games.  So either you

let me in, or I take this castle of yours

down stone by stone.  Got me?

 

 

KING

I donít know who you

think you are but....

 

He looks behind him

 

KING

(contíd)

Yes, dear?

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. CASTLE - NIGHT

 

A pleasingly plump, gray-haired woman, dressed in a fur robe and crown looks at her husband, the King.

 

QUEEN

Donít turn them away, dear.

One of them could be the princess

weíve been waiting for!

 

The king looks over his shoulder at the two bedraggled and bristling figures standing outside, then looks back at his wife.

 

KING

They certainly donít look

like princesses to me.

 

QUEEN

You never know.  They might

look much different when dry

and warm.  Besides, remember

what the oracle said.  That a

princess would come calling

in the midst of a bad storm.

 

KING

Didnít say anything

about two princesses.

 

QUEEN

Well obviously, one of

them is the handmaiden.

 

KING

But which is which?

 

 

QUEEN

Does it really matter?  Whoever

passes the test is the true princess.

Come on, Henry, our sonís been

pining away for his one true love for

ages now.  And after that business

with the broken shoe, and thatÖhairÖ

problem, do you really want to take the

chance of turning away his bride-to-be?

 

KING

I suppose youíre right.

 

QUEEN

Well then, let them in and

keep them occupied until

weíve set up the test.

 

KING

All right.  Just go

and get it done.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

 

The door reopens fully, and the king gulps audibly at the looks heís receiving from the two soaked women on his doorstep.

 

KING

Many apologies, good women.

I had a bit of a matter to attend to.

Wonít you please come in?

 

Gabrielle gives him as gracious a smile as she can manage.

 

GABRIELLE

Thank you.

 

KING

Quite welcome, quite welcome, Iím

sure.  Now, if you charming ladies

will just stand here for a moment, I

will get the page to summon up

some cloths to dry yourselves with.

 

GABRIELLE

That would be most appreciated.

 

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. CASTLE BEDROOM - NIGHT

 

The Queen rushes into the bedroom, followed by three handmaidens.

 

QUEEN

Hurry, we must hurry!

Take all the bedding off!

 

HANDMAIDEN #1

Yes, mum.  Címon, you

lot, put yer backs into it!

 

Once the bedding is removed, the Queen takes a single pea from the pocket of her gown and places it on the bed frame.

 

QUEEN

All right, start putting the

mattresses back on.

Twenty of them.

 

HANDMAIDEN #2

T-T-Twenty, mum?

 

HANDMAIDEN #1

Ya Ďeard Ďer right, ya

bloody cow!  Start stackin!

 

With much huffing and puffing and grunting, twenty mattresses are soon laid atop the bed frame.

 

HANDMAIDEN #1

(contíd)

Aíright.  Whatís next, mum?

 

QUEEN

Hm.  I want you to lay those

twenty eiderdown beds on

top of the mattresses.

 

HANDMAIDEN #1

Not a word outta you, Matilda.

Just get them beds.

Iíll get the ladder.

 

Much more huffing and puffing and grunting later, twenty eiderdown beds are stacked atop twenty mattresses which are stacked atop a single pea.

 

HANDMAIDEN #2

Whatís all this sípposed

ta do, then?

 

HANDMAIDEN #1

Bloody Ďell if I know.  What

the Queenie wants, the

Queenie gets, right mum?

 

QUEEN

Right.  Oh, Henry!  Would you

please escort our guests to the

boudoir?  Weíre ready for them.

 

Xena and Gabrielle, somewhat dried, walk into the room.  The queen smiles beatifically at them both, her arms wide in welcome.

 

QUEEN

(contíd)

Welcome, welcome.  I can see that

youíre both very tired.  Iíve had this

bed prepared for you.  Iím sure

youíll enjoy a good nightís rest.

 

Both Xena and Gabrielle slowly eye the bed that seems to tower to the ceiling.  Gabrielleís smile goes a little rough around the edges.

 

 

GABRIELLE

Um... thank you?

 

QUEEN

Think nothing of it, dear woman.

Think nothing of it.  Only the

best for our guests.

 

The queen claps her hands brightly.

 

QUEEN

Very well!  Have a wonderful

sleep. We shall see you in

the morning, yes?

 

GABRIELLE

Um... sure!  Thanks!

 

With that, the queen and her entourage leave, taking the ladder and closing the door behind them.

 

Gabrielle is still staring up at the mattress mountain.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

Well.  How are we

gonna get up there?

 

XENA

Easy.  Give me your foot.

 

Gabrielle does so, and soon finds herself vaulted into the air.  She does a neat tuck and roll, and winds up flat on her back atop the mattress pile.

 

GABRIELLE

Good aim!

 

Bending her knees, Xena jumps, flipping once, and coming to land sprawled out next to Gabrielle.  The pile teeters and totters, forcing the women to grab the edges until it finally steadies.  Gabrielle rapidly thumbs the pressure point in her wrist to rid herself of mattress sickness.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

That was fun.  Not.

 

XENA

Letís just try and get

some sleep, all right?

 

GABRIELLE

All right.

 

Gabrielle rolls to her side, is silent for a moment, then scooches around.  With a sigh, she flips to the other side, and squirms some more.

 

XENA

(tiredly)

What is it?

 

GABRIELLE

Canít get comfortable.  There

must be a rock or something

under one of the mattresses.

 

XENA

Itís a pea.

 

 

GABRIELLE

A what?

 

XENA

A pea. An Austrian Winter

pea, if Iím not mistaken.

 

GABRIELLE

And you know this how?

 

XENA

(smugly)

I have many skills.

 

GABRIELLE

Oooooh. You were just

waiting to use that line,

werenít you?

 

Xena smirks.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

Well?

 

XENA

Well what?

 

GABRIELLE

Do you think you could get

that Austrian Winter pea the

heck out from under the mattress

so I can get some sleep?

 

XENA

Gabrielle, weíre lying on top of

Mount Olympus here.  I am not

going to get down and search

through forty mattresses just to find

out which one has a blasted pea

underneath it.  Just ignore it.

 

GABRIELLE

I canít ignore it!

 

 

Xena sighs.

 

XENA

Fine.  Switch sides with me.

 

After much teetering and tottering, and pressure point pressing, they are finally rearranged on the bed.

 

XENA

(contíd)

Better?

 

GABRIELLE

A little.

 

XENA

Good. Now go to sleep.

 

GABRIELLE

(sighing)

Iíll try. Goodnight, Xena.

 

XENA

Good night.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. CASTLE BEDROOM - MORNING

 

The next morning, Xena and Gabrielle awaken just in time to see the door open and the Queen comes striding into the bedroom.

 

QUEEN

How delightful!  Youíre

both awake!  How did

you sleep, my dears?

 

GABRIELLE

Without meaning to offend,

your majesty, not very well.

 

QUEEN

(a bit eagerly)

Oh?  Why ever not?

 

GABRIELLE

Well, there was this... pea...

stuck somewhere in the

mattresses and, well....

 

QUEEN

Say no more, my dear.  Youíve

passed the test!  Both of you!

 

GABRIELLE

Test?  What test?

 

 

QUEEN

Why, the test of sensitivity, of

course!  Only a true princess would

be sensitive enough to feel a tiny

pea at the bottom of such a stack

of bedding, my dears. Henry!

Oh, Henry!  Bring Junior in

to meet his true loves!

 

As Xena and Gabrielle stare at one another, the King enters escorting a very familiar looking prince.

 

PRINCE

YOU!!!!

 

QUEEN

Now wait a minute, Junior. These

two women have passed the test!

They are your true loves!

 

PRINCE

But...!

 

QUEEN

No buts about it, dear boy.  Itís

already been foretold.  These

are your true loves, and you

must marry them tonight!

 

GABRIELLE

M-Marry?

 

QUEEN

Yes, dear.  You passed the test!

Welcome to the family!!

 

GABRIELLE

Iím sorry.  Thereís been

some sort of mistake here.

 

QUEEN

Oh no, dear, I assure you,

it is no mistake.

 

XENA

Weíre already married.

 

QUEEN

Oh?  Oh, dear.  That could

present a problem.

 

KING

Nonsense.  Iím the King.

I can annul any marriage....

 

XENA

To each other.

 

 

The king stares.

 

The queen stares.

 

The prince, poor fellow, faints.

 

KING

This is preposterous!

Preposterous, I say!

 

XENA

Sorry, King.  Better luck

next time, huh?

 

KING

Never!  It is foretold that you

shall be married to my son, and

married to my son you shall be!

 

GABRIELLE

Not that weíre not flattered

or anything, really, but....

 

XENA

No.

 

KING

Guards!!!  Get them!!

 

GABRIELLE

Not again.

 

 

XENA

Letís go!

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. SMALL TOWN SQUARE, SOME MILES AWAY - DAY

 

Finally having lost the pursuing guards, Xena and Gabrielle slow to a stop in the middle of a small town square.  Both are winded and sweating buckets.  Gabrielle walks over to a stone bench next to a fountain and sits, wiping the sweat-plastered hair from her face.

 

GABRIELLE

Gotta rest for a minute.

That was a lot of running to do...

on no rest and no food.

 

XENA

You stay right here and

cool off.  Iíll check around

and get some answers.

 

GABRIELLE

Sounds good....

 

As Xena strides off in the direction of the tavern, Gabrielle turns her face toward the fountainís cool spray.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

Ahh.  Thatís much better.

 

She looks down at her dirty and tattered clothing, noticing another rip in her skirt.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

Guess Iíd better mend that

while Iíve got some time.

 

Pulling out a needle and thread from her bag, she sets about sewing the large, ragged tear in her skirt.  Unfortunately, the lack of sleep and food once again catches up to her, and she pricks her finger, drawing a bead of blood.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

All right, I get it already.

Maybe a little rest wouldnít

be a bad idea.  In fact....

 

With a yawn and a stretch, she shifts position until she is lying flat upon the sun-warmed stone bench.

 

GABRIELLE

(contíd)

Ah, yes.  Verrrrrry nice.

 

She quickly falls asleep.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. TOWN BOUNDARY - DAY

 

The prince and two guards peer in from the townís boundary, all spotting Gabrielle lying asleep on the bench.

 

GUARD #1

Thatís her, isnít it?

 

PRINCE

Sure looks like her.

 

GUARD #2

And the oracle was right, see?

She pricked her finger with that

poisoned needle and wonít wake

up until she receives a kiss from

her true love! Thatís you, Junior.

 

The prince hesitates, looking around.

 

GUARD #1

Well?

 

PRINCE

The other one isnít around,

is she?  The big one with all

those sharp weapons?

 

 

All three scan the area.

 

GUARD #2

Coast is clear, Junior.

 

GUARD #1

Nowís your chance!  Go!

 

With a swift push from behind, the prince is launched into the town square.  For a long moment, he looks down at the beautiful face of his sleeping princess.

 

PRINCE

(sappily)

Oh, princess, it is I, your prince,

come to wake you from

your eternal sleep with a kiss.

 

He slowly bends down, lips puckered and ready...

 

... only to receive a right cross right across the puss, sending him down for the count yet again.

 

XENA

(growling)

No one... wakes

Sleeping Beauty... but me.

 

 

Xena gathers Gabrielle up and kisses her passionately.

 

 

Gabrielleís eyelashes flutter, then open.  Gabrielle beams.

 

GABRIELLE

Xena!

 

VERY LOUD VOICE

(off camera)

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT,

THATíS IT. CUT!  CUT!!

 

Xena and Gabrielle look around, trying to determine where the voice is coming from.

 

A short, shriveled, disheveled, gaunt, haggard old man limps into the square, a loud talking thing in his hand.

 

MAN

You two have really made

a mess of things, you know?

A mess.  A HUGE mess!!!

 

GABRIELLE

But....

 

MAN

Not only did you throw the giant

down the beanstalk, you also

crushed a glass slipper I

spent millions to make...

 

GABRIELLE

But....

 

MAN

Öcaused my three star bears

to go on strike, got my big bad

wolf so full from eating Little Red

Riding Hood and the three little

pigs that he exploded everywhereÖ

 

GABRIELLE

But....

 

MAN

Öleft poor Rapunzel trapped in

that tower until her hair grows out

again, and if that wasnít bad enough,

you punched out Prince Charming!

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!?!?

 

GABRIELLE

We didnít mean to.

 

MAN

Sure you didnít.  Where are you

from?  Who sent you?  That

Hans Christian fellow?

Mother Goose?  Who??

 

Xena stands up, stalks over to the ranting little man and grabs him by his lapels.

 

XENA

Listen, mister.  I donít know how we

got here. All I want to know is how to

get home.  And if you donít start talkin,

I see a goose over there thatís laying

some mighty fine golden eggs.  And

since Iím hungry, I just might take it

into my head to kill that golden goose

and have Gabrielle fry it up for dinner!

Understand!?!

 

 

MAN

Yes, yes, perfectly,

perfectly indeed!

 

XENA

(enunciating very carefully)

Then tell us how to

get home.  Now.

 

MAN

Err.  Well, it would be

easier if you had ruby

slippers, you see.

 

XENA

(growling)

Fake it.

 

MAN

ErrÖok.  Close your eyes, click

your heels together, and say three

times ďI wish I were inÖ.Ē errÖ

wherever it is that you come from.

 

XENA

This better work, little man.  That

golden goose of yours is looking

better and better all the time.

 

MAN

It will!  It will!

 

Xena and Gabrielle exchange looks, sigh, and close their eyes.

 

 

XENA AND GABRIELLE

I wish I were in Greece.

I wish I were in Greece.

I wish I were in Greece.

 

POOF!

 

FADE OUT.

 

END ACT FOUR

 


 

TAG

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. CAMPSITE, SOMEWHERE IN GREECE - NIGHT

 

A campfire blazes cheerily, shedding its light on two figures sitting side by side.  Xena is sharpening her sword while Gabrielle works on a piece of parchment.

 

GABRIELLE

Well, that was one

for the scrolls, huh?

 

XENA

Gabrielle, that was a scroll.

 

GABRIELLE

True.  But now itís

one of mine, too.

 

Xena scans over the text, smiling at some parts, laughing at others.

 

XENA

You forgot something.

 

GABRIELLE

Yeah?  Where?

 

XENA

Here.

 

Taking the quill, she scribbles a last line, then hands the quill back, grinning.

 

XENA

(contíd)

There.

 

GABRIELLE

(reading)

And they lived happily ever

after.  Aww. Thatís so sweet!

 

 

XENA

I donít do sweet.

 

GABRIELLE

Sure you do.

 

XENA

Do not.

 

GABRIELLE

Do too.

 

XENA

Do not!

 

GABRIELLE

Do too!

 

XENA

Not, not, not.

 

GABRIELLE

Too, too, too!

 

FADE TO BLACK.

 

WRITTEN ON A SCROLL

 

And that, boys and girls, is the story of how Joyous, the happiest storyteller in the land, became Grimm.

 

THE END
 

DISCLAIMER

Many faerie tales and their characters were harmed during the making of this

motion picture, but luckily, Little Red Riding Cloak and the Three Little Pigs

were able to make a safe escape when the big bad wolf exploded.