Many thanks to Supervixen for the transcript

8 Days (Singapore)
November 1999

Bride-watching by GATES CHONG
Wanted: A comely TV lass for our single and desperate writer.

My mum wants me to get married. She says I should do this because I'm getting on in years, and before parts of my body start falling off like Jeff Goldblum's in The Fly.

   She's been scouring the TV to find someone for me because she notices that the shows are full of beautiful, eligible women.
    My first preference for a spouse is Agent Scully of The X-Files. I adore her but mum thinks she probably won't make a good wife because she's always so busy, although she likes the fact that she's a graduate and a civil servant working for the FBI. Mum says that, in order for Agent Scully to join our family, she must stop being so grouchy and not treat the 200 relatives who come to our home on weekends as aliens. Also, she adds, Agent Scully has to deposit her weapon on the doormat outside because no daughter-in-law of hers is going to eat steamboat with a gun on the table.
    Mum, however, likes Xena very much. She says Xena would be very good for the family because of her skills with knives, which means that she can help out in the kitchen while waiting for me to come home. Besides, since Xena can toss her chakram so well, she can play frisbee with our kids when we go to Bishan Park on Sundays.
    I told her that Xena's not a good idea because she's an outdoors type of person and needs lots of exercise while I'm more mousy and prefer to stay at home.
    Of course I didn't tell mum my greatest concern, which is that Xena could most likely be in the Ellen DeGeneres mould. Mum is too simple to understand about alternative lifestyles. She still thinks that Gabrielle, Xena's constant companion, is just a good friend -- she has never heard of Anne Heche.
    Mum also said that I could consider going out with some younger women, like Michael Douglas is doing with Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Jazreel Low and her 46-year-old beau, because society today is very open to that sort of thing. So the other night, we were watching Charmed and looking very closely at the three little sisters and discussing which one would be suitable for me.
    Personally, I prefer the youngest sister, Phoebe, because she can predict how my Singapore shares will perform, but mainly because Alyssa Milano has been turning me on since she appeared as Tony Danza's daughter in Who's The Boss.
    Mum disapproves of Prue, the big sister, because Shannon Doherty, when she was in Beverly Hills 90210, had a reputation of being the kind of woman which rhymes with witch.
    Both of us do like Buffy the Vampire Slayer very much as she is very close to her own mother and listens to her adult mentor, Giles. And since Buffy and I have an age difference of about 500 years, mum thinks that she'll be a very dutiful wife so long as I make her congee when she comes home after killing a few vampires.
    I do also fancy Marie Osmond a lot. The only snag is that she's married. Mum says Marie's pregnant with her 200th child or something but I told her that her faith allows her to have more than one official mate. Later, I found out that this applied to men only, which made me realise that if I were Donny Osmond, I could marry all three Charmed girls and probably keep Xena too.

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