Parental Advisory Rating: L, N, AC

Break out those V-Chips, everyone!

Credits:

Created, Produced, Directed and Written:

Fanatic and TNovan

"Move over."

"You move over."

"I’m cramped as it is."

"Brennan, you never move over. I’m gonna tell Mommy."

I roll my eyes, unimpressed with Collin’s threat. "The last time you ‘told’ Mommy something, you kicked her in the back. It made her unhappy. I don’t like it when she’s unhappy. Stop being a brat and move over."

Collin moves slightly more to the left. "That’s it, though. I can’t go any further."

"Yeah, yeah." I lean back and stretch out a little. It is really cramped in here. And hot. I don’t see how we can stay in here much longer. Not unless Mommy makes the room grow bigger, but she doesn’t like how big it is already. At least, that’s what she says.

Collin rubs his hands together. "So what do you think we’re going to do today?"

That’s a good question. Things have been very different lately. Mommy and Mama aren’t together all the time. Mama leaves for awhile; sometimes she takes Puppy. And Mommy and Aunt Brian play during the day. They sing a lot. Mama has a better voice than Aunt Brian though. He’s just loud. "I dunno, Collin. But the only way to find out is if we get Mommy up."

He laughs. "I like waking Mommy up, because then Mama wakes up too."

Yeah, Mama is fun. "Okay, you know the drill."

Together we begin moving our arms and legs in every direction. Sometimes I accidentally hit Collin.

"Hey, watch it!"

"It’s dark in here," I tease.

"Uh huh."

We continue until Mommy jostles us. Our task is complete.

"Go back to sleep," Mommy says and rubs Collin’s back. Lucky guy. Mommy has a gentle touch.

He leans into her hand. "Let’s sleep some more," Collin says, yawning. He’s so easy.

"Hey, you two," Mama says, her voice nearby. "It’s too early to be awake. Give your Mommy another hour or so, okay?" She rubs my head.

"Okay, sounds good to me, Collin."

* * *

"Harper," Mommy says as we lay down in the swaying thing. "Aren’t those batteries dead yet?"

"Hmm, chér, my battery never stops," Mama says in the Puppy voice she sometimes uses. "I was the model for the Energizer Bunny."

Brennan scratches her head. "I don’t get that. Why is that funny? Why is Mommy laughing?"

I shrug. "I don’t know. What’s a battery?" Suddenly Mommy’s tummy becomes brighter. A bright red, round spot appears over my head. "Oh, yeah! Brennan! It’s tag time." I push off Mommy’s bony thing and propel myself up toward the light. "Whee!"

Suddenly, my sister is more awake. "Cool! My turn, my turn!"

The light appears next to her arm. Brennan jabs her elbow at it. "I got it!"

It blinks twice above me. "Mine, mine!" I do a combo head and fist jab.

"Harper!" Mommy says.

"Hello, my sweet, little ones," Mama says, pressing into us.

I laugh and tap her.

"Hey!" She likes that. I know she does because she always taps me back.

I laugh again. She’s fun.

"Harper!" Mommy says again.

She’s always saying this to Mama. I think it means stop ‘cause the second time she says it, the red spot always disappears

* * *

Mommy and Mama have taken us to get our pictures taken again.  Whatever that means.  All I know is going to see Doogie can make Mommy’s heart race. I like to be quiet because when Mommy’s heart races that means something is wrong with her. I don’t much like it when it does that.

"It’s gonna make Mommy jump.  She says it’s cold."

"But it’s only for a second," Brennan argues with me.  She likes to argue.

"Brennan?"

"What?"

"What’s cold?"

"I don’t know."

"It must be really bad," I say.

"Why?"

"Well, think about it.  Mommy jumps and says it’s cold.  If it makes Mommy jump, that means she doesn’t like it.  So if she doesn’t like it, it must be bad."

"But sometimes Mama makes Mommy jump and that’s not bad." Brennan tugs at her ear.

"Mama must not be cold."

"I don’t think I ever want to be cold."

"Don’t worry. Mama and Mommy won’t ever let us be.  They said so.  They even bought us special blankets to keep us from it, remember?"

"Un-huh."  I turn over a little because I feel Mommy shift.  That means she’s not comfortable.  "What’s a blanket?"

"I’m not sure, but it’s important, because Mommy always seems to have hers."

I listen now, because when Dr. Doogie takes the picture he always tells Mama and Mommy what we’re doing.  Sometimes he’s says I’m doing things I’m not.

"Kevin." Ah, there’s Mommy’s voice.  I love her voice.  It makes me feel all warm. "Can you tell who’s who?"

"Sure."  Dr. Doogie seems to be nice.  Mommy relaxes when he talks to her, most of the time.  One time he said something and her heart went so fast I thought it was gonna break.  But Mama took her home and made it better. Mama always is able to make her better.  "Seems that Brennan is on your right and Collin is on the left."

"Well, I’ll be damned," Mama says.

Oh, boy, that gonna cost her a dollar. Wonder what a dollar is? I know there’s a whole list of words that Mommy charges a dollar for. I’m gonna have to be careful what I say because I don’t have any dollars.

* * *

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

I look over at the Dark One. Look at me! My eyes are yellow. A little trip to the woods would be in order here.

I gotta go. Have a heart!

Alpha says something and points to me. Thank you, thank you. I go over and lick her hand in gratitude. At least someone understands me.

Dark One comes over and puts her lead on my neck. She always needs my help when we go out. Though, sometimes, she takes it off so I can run fast. As a two leg, she’s pretty slow. Except when she wears the round, slippery paws. Then she can almost keep up with me.

Let’s go.

"Okay, Kam, we’re going. Calm down."

She barks weird. The only thing she ever manages to get right is my name. I don’t know why Alpha can’t teach her better.

We go to the moving room where we meet up with another two legs and Fritz. He’s my pal. "Hi ya, Fritz." I take a sniff of him. Can’t be too careful. Just because it looks like Fritz doesn’t mean it is.

"Hi ya, Kam." He sniffs me too.

"You look yellow, man."

I nod and jerk my head toward Dark One. "She didn’t want to go out. She doesn’t like to leave now that Alpha is so close to having the litter."

Fritz sits on his two legs’ paw. "Tell me about it. My two legs didn’t want to leave the two legs in the box."

"That box is bad. The little two legs seem to hypnotize the big two legs." The moving room’s door opens. Dark One tugs on her lead, asking me to find the way for her. "Gotta go, Fritz. Good seeing you."

"Later."

We go outside and Dark One scratches me behind my ears. "You were awful friendly with Fritz in the elevator. You two have a good talk?"

I take a look around. I don’t see Fritz. I tug on her lead. Come on, Dark One, let’s go to the grass. I have needs.

* * *

I like the big grass place. Every day I take Dark One here and we see our friends. All the two legs stand at one end and bark at each other. Sometimes they drink black water out of small, paw bowls. I don’t like the dark water. One time, I tried to get some from Dark One and she accidentally poured it on my nose. It burned and made me sneeze. Why would two legs drink hot water? It doesn’t make any sense. Alpha drinks something made with hot water, but she puts the golden sweet in it. Sometimes she gives me some of that. I like the golden sweet. Even though it makes my tongue sticky. It’s a special treat that only Alpha gives me.

I race Chloe to the far tree. I like Chloe. She’s really cute. She has soft coat that’s always clean, and she has the prettiest necklace. It sparkles.

"Kam, has your Alpha had her litter yet?"

Girls always like to talk about litters. "Not yet. Soon. I bet she’ll be finding someplace warm before long."

"You’ll let her use your bed, right?"

I scratch my nose. "I don’t think she’ll fit."

"She’s that big?"

"No, my Dark One is bigger. But Alpha is having a big litter."

Chloe looks over at Dark One. She’s baring her teeth at another one of the two legs. It doesn’t mean the same thing from them as it does for us. "It’s pretty neat that your Alpha brought home Dark One to play with you."

"Yeah, she came a couple days after me. I think it was because Alpha knew she was going to have a litter for me to protect. So she wanted me to have some fun, too. I can’t complain. Dark One is pretty good for a two legs." Of all the two legs in the big grass place, I have the best one. Chloe knows it, so I don’t have to rub it in.

Both Chloe and I look at her two legs. He needs to spend more time here and run with us. Those box two legs really have him hypnotized. "Can she get the ball yet?" Chloe asks.

I shake my head sadly. I am a little ashamed of our lack of progress in this area. "She keeps throwing it away. I bring it to her to chew on, and she tosses it again. Sometimes I have to bring it to her several times before she keeps it."

"She’ll learn one day."

Our two legs all begin barking at us. "They must want to go home."

Chloe sighs. "You’d think they could find their own way by now. We bring them here and back every day."

I don’t reply. When you’re right, you’re right.

* * *

It’s been a pretty quiet day. Mommy has been really tired, so Collin and I have been trying to be good. Mostly Mommy has been laying down and rubbing us. She keeps talking about wanting to go to New Orleans. I asked Collin if that meant we were in Old Orleans, but he didn’t know.

Mommy has been telling us funny stories today. There’s one that’s particularly strange. It’s called ‘Green Eggs and Ham’. Mama normally tells it to us, but Mommy has been telling it today.

"I like it."

Collin looks over from his side of our room. "It’s funny. I like when Mommy laughs."

When Mommy laughs, it makes us bounce around. One time, she laughed so hard at something Mama did, that Collin and I nearly switched positions. "What’s funny about green eggs?"

"I don’t know. What are eggs?"

Beats me. "What’s a Sam?"

"Hey!"

"What?" I jump a little. He scared me, yelling like that.

"How do we know you’re Brennan and I’m Collin?"

"Because Doogie said so."

My brother scratches his behind. "He did?"

"Yeah, remember that time you were tugging on your third leg?"

"I was not!" Collin looks down at it. "It hasn’t grown much more. I’m getting worried."

"I don’t have one at all."

He turns big eyes on me. "Aren’t you scared? What if it’s important?"

"How important can it be if I don’t have it?"

"Huh, I hadn’t thought of it that way."

Of course not.

* * *

All right!

Two walks in one day!

I am living large! I pull on Dark One’s lead and she quickly catches up. She’s wearing her round, slippery paws so we don’t have to go so slowly. We race beside the wood trail, passing lots of two legs.

We are nearing a two legs with a shiny box when Dark One pulls on her lead, asking to stop. She must be tired already. Two legs don’t have very much stamina. I stop and go back to check on her.

Dark One goes over and barks at the two legs with the shiny box. She likes this two legs.

So do I.

He gives her rolled meat. I watch as she smothers the meat in a sauce and puts very stinky things on top of it. Maybe the meat is bad?

I sniff.

Seems okay to me.

Dark One looks down at me and bares her teeth. "Would you like one too, Kam? Kels doesn’t let us have hot dogs at home, so we have to get them when we can, right? And what she doesn’t know, won’t hurt her."

I figure out what Dark One is barking about when she gets me some rolled meat as well. She must not be worried about mine, because she doesn’t treat it the way she did hers.

We sit on the grass and have our snack.

I like taking Dark One out for walks. Alpha is great, but with her litter, she moves even more slowly than before. I am so excited about the puppies. I have been wanting some brothers or sisters to play with. I hope they like to roughhouse like Dark One does. Sometimes we each hold the end of a rope and tug it back and forth for hours. One time, she was pulling it so hard, she was swinging me back and forth on the floor. It was fun.

Alpha barked at her for that.

Dark One is looking forward to the puppies too. She is almost as protective of Alpha as I am. Sometimes, she even scares me.

She doesn’t scare Alpha though. It’s funny. When Dark One is near Alpha, she’s not quite so fierce. She bares her teeth a lot, but she then licks Alpha and grooms her. Alpha likes it. Sometimes, Dark One gets so distracted by her licking, that I have to do guard duty alone.

Dark One wasn’t trained very well as a puppy, I’m afraid.

Alpha doesn’t like me grooming her as much. I guess that’s why Dark One is her mate. Sometimes it makes me sad that I don’t have one.

Maybe one day.

* * *

"Heaven, I’m in heaven," Mama is singing. She likes to sing to Mommy. And to us. Most of the time when she does, Collin and I fall asleep. I sometimes think that’s what she’s trying to do. "And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak."

Mommy is moving around, more than usual, tonight. Sometimes she moves so quickly, I bump into Collin.

"Stop touching me," he warns.

"I’m not touching you."

"You were."

"Was not."

"Were too."

"And I seem to find the happiness I seek," Mama croons. "When we’re out together, dancing cheek to cheek."

Suddenly, both of us are tossed around as Mommy falls backwards. Collin and I both scream and grab for anything to hold on to. Unfortunately, all we have in here is each other and the ropes attached to our tummys.

Mama catches Mommy, who begins laughing. "Harper! You can’t dip a pregnant woman."

Collin and I are still spinning. I nearly turned upside down. "Get your foot out of my face." I push at it.

"Where else can I put it?"

"Where it was before."

He glances down. "Your leg is there."

Huh, what do you know? It is. "Okay, let’s work together on this." I put my hand on his shoulder and push, shrugging my shoulders, trying to get Mommy to give us just a little more room. It’s really much too cramped in here.

"Ow!" Collin protests, as he moves back over to his side.

"Tell me about it."

"I need to sit for a minute, Harper," Mommy says.

Good, please sit down.

"Everything alright, chér?"

"Yeah. It’s just I don’t think the twins cared much for that." She begins rubbing where I am pressing into her.

"No?" Mama’s voice comes closer. How come she can do that, but Mommy can’t? "I’m sorry, my little ones. Everyone all right in there?"

"We’re okay, Mama," Collin answers. To prove it, he thumps on Mommy’s side.

"Ooo!" Mommy exclaims. "Here, Harper, give me your hand. And say something."

"Something."

Mommy laughs. "Brat! To the twins."

"Hello in there."

"Hello!" we call back. Collin gives Mama a tap where she’s pressing in on him.

Now it’s Mama’s turn to laugh. "They sure are active. I can’t wait to see them, Kels, and hold them."

Collin kicks. "I want to see Mama too!"

He’s such a Mama’s boy. "And Mommy!" I agree.

"What do you think they look like?" Collin asks.

"I dunno."

"I bet they’re big. Huge!" Collin holds his hands far apart from each other.

I hadn’t thought about that. "Why?"

"Because they’re so loud."

* * *

I wake up and stretch. What woke me up? I yawn and listen. Mommy and Mama are talking. They do that a lot. I like to listen to them. Their voices are warm and soft and make me feel all happy.

I close my eyes.

"I am a huge, beached whale."

"Hardly, darlin’. You are a beautiful woman pregnant with twins … and about to give birth."

"So you agree?"

I open an eye. I want her hear how Mama gets out of this.

"I’m taking the Fifth."

They both laugh. I need to remember that ‘fifth’ thing. I might need it in the future when I have a wife of my own. I really think I should have one. They seem pretty great.

"Sweetheart, you are almost done. You’re in the home stretch. In a couple weeks, we’ll have two beautiful children to love and spoil. All because you brought them into this world."

"You’re sweet."

"I know."

They laugh again. They laugh a lot together. Maybe that’s why we’re all so happy.

"I’ve been thinking about Collin," Mama says.

Okay, now they have my full attention. What about me?

"Yeah? His future football career?"

What’s football? What’s a career?

"I have a little jersey for him already," Mama says, "but that’s not the point. I was thinking about after he’s born."

"Yes?"

"And you know that little procedure they do on most boys."

Mommy laughs, low and deep, sounding a bit like Puppy. "You can say it, Harper."

"Fine, fine. Circumcision." She sounds like Puppy now.

"See, that wasn’t so hard? Now, what about it?"

"I don’t want it done to Collin."

Done to me? I don’t like the sound of that.

"Hmm. Okay. Why not?"

"It’s not necessary. And, well, sometimes bad things happen."

Like what, Mama?

I’m scared.

Should I wake up Brennan?

"Harper!"

"They do! Come on, our own network did a story about that poor kid who got his whole one cut off accidentally. The family raised him as a girl and he was completely messed up. I don’t want any chance of that happening."

Raised as a girl! No!

What’s a girl?

"It’s a one in a million chance."

"Once is bad enough. Besides, uh, well …"

"What?"

"I happen to know that none of the Kingsley men are, either."

"Oh. I won’t need to verify that."

"I would hope not. I had a little discussion with Robie about this issue. I mean, you wouldn’t want him teased by his cousins Clark and Christian, would you?"

Who are Clark and Christian?

"My Christian is too sweet to do that. Besides, I’m fine with the decision not to, Harper. I’ve been doing some research on it as well."

"Yeah? Wonderful. Thanks."

Okay, so they’re not going to do something to me.

I think that’s good.

I wish I knew. I think things will be clearer when Brennan and I are born. I don’t know quite what that means, but Mama and Mommy seem excited about it. If they think it’s a good thing, then it must be.

Yawn.

I think I need more sleep.

Good night, Mama. Good night, Mommy. Good night, Brennan.

* * *

Fresh air! Finally!

Alpha didn’t seem to want to go out today. Squeaky kept making her lay down. If she’s about to have a litter, she needs to start finding her warm place to have them. She needs someplace safe, where no one can find them while she’s having the puppies.

I think I saw a good place. I pull on Alpha’s lead. She’ll never find it without me. Two legs don’t have very good sight or smell. Sometimes I’m surprised that they’re able to find food to eat and recognize friends and foes.

"Kam, slow down," Alpha barks at me, pulling on her lead to get my attention. I glance back. She’s breathing hard. I hope she doesn’t have the litter here right now. I look at Squeaky.

"Let me take him for you, Kels."

"Thanks, Brian."

He takes Alpha’s lead and puts his paw under hers. "Why don’t you sit down for a moment? I’ll let Kam get some of his energy out. And I’ll get you some water. Okay?"

Alpha goes to some wood and sits down. I press my nose against her stomach and sniff. No. The litter seems intact. I lick Alpha’s paw.

"I love you too, Kam." Alpha scratches behind my ears and my tail thumps hard against the ground. She always knows the right spot to hit.

"Come on, Kam." Squeaky wants to run.

I look to Alpha for permission.

She bares her teeth at me and waves her paw at Squeaky. "Go on. Have fun!"

Squeaky and I leave Alpha and go out onto the big grassy place. None of my usual friends are here right now. It’s not our meeting time. Squeaky gets tired quickly and takes his lead off me.

"Get the ball, Kam, get the ball!" He takes a bright, red ball and throws it far away.

I stare at him. Why do two legs keep losing their chew toys?

"Go get it, Kam!"

I look across the field where the ball sits in the grass. Can’t he see it? Why doesn’t he go get it?

"Go on!" Squeaky begins waving his paws.

I trot off and go for the toy. I hope he doesn’t lose it again. Maybe I’ll carry it for him until I take Alpha home.

When I pick up the ball, I glance over at Alpha. What I see causes me to drop Squeaky’s ball. My fur stands on edge and I bristle in anger.

A two legs is trying to scare my Alpha. I sniff. And doing it too.

"Get away from her! Get away from Alpha! Go! Go! Go!" I yell, running across the field. I leap over the wood she’s sitting on and land at her feet.

The big two legs stumbles back, losing his balance. He smells like the yellow water Dark One sometimes drinks. I hate that smell.

"Get away!" I warn him again.

"Nice puppy!"

I bare my teeth and snap at him when he tries to touch my head. I put my body between him and Alpha. No one hurts my Alpha or my little brothers and sisters.

"Go!" I show him even more of my teeth.

"Brian!" Alpha barks.

The smelly two legs backs up, as another two leg starts to run over, hearing my barking. He barks at a two legs, on top of a snorter, to come here too.

"You better go! Coward! Go!" I continue to yell.

He listens to my advice and leaves as quickly as he can.

Just because one threat is over, it doesn’t mean Alpha is safe yet. I can still smell her fear. I back against her, so she’ll feel better. Carefully, I watch the on-coming two legs. I bare my teeth at him. The snorter keeps the other two legs a good distance away.

They can stay where they are. Alpha is safe with me.

"Down, Kam," Alpha barks at me. "Brian, hand me his leash."

I hear a snap and realize that Alpha has clipped her lead to me again. Good. Now I’ll be able to keep her with me if we have to run away.

The snorter looks over at the grassy field where the bad two legs ran. "He smelled."

"He wanted to hurt my Alpha."

"It’s okay, boy." Alpha begins stroking my fur, grooming me. "You did great! You’re such a brave dog!"

I relax a little, sensing that Alpha is feeling better. I sniff. She is.

The two legs steps forward, I give him a warning look.

"Ma’am, can you make sure your dog won’t bite me?"

I growl softly, warning him. The look didn’t work if he’s barking at Alpha.

"It’s okay, Kam. This is a police officer. He’s here to help us. Be a good boy." Alpha grooms me even more. She finds that spot behind my ear again.

"I know him," Snorter says, swinging his large head toward the two legs. "He won’t hurt your Alpha."

"He better not try."

"Kam," Alpha barks.

I sit quietly and watch. Anyone makes a wrong move and they’ll find out I may be young, but my teeth are full grown.

Alpha presses her cheek against my fur, rubbing my chest. "You are absolutely wonderful, Kam."

I smell like Alpha now.

I like that.

* * *

Dark One comes into where Alpha and I are sitting. Ever since earlier today, Alpha has been staying close to me. It’s okay. I don’t want her far from me, either. I don’t like it when anyone scares my Alpha.

What smells good?

I look over at Dark One’s paws.

Oh boy.

My mouth waters

That smells good.

Dark One holds up the strip of meat. "You want it, Kam? For being such a good boy with Kels today?"

To take it would mean leaving Alpha’s side.

I lick my chops.

And stay where I am.

Dark One looks over at Alpha, baring her teeth. "I think someone is reluctant to leave you, Kels."

Alpha scratches my head. "My hero."

"Hey! What about me?"

Alpha pulls me back against her. I lay my head on her belly, and listen to her litter. They’re always busy in there.

"You weren’t in the park with me today when some drunk guy started getting a little too aggressive. You didn’t leap over the bench and land in front of me scaring him half to death. And you weren’t the one holding off the police force when they came to help." Alpha puts her mouth against my fur. "Kam was. My hero."

Dark One looks at me strangely. I don’t think she likes her mate putting her paws on me like this. She holds out the meat to me again. "Yeah, he’s your hero."

I realize I have a choice. I decide to have the best of both worlds, and not anger Dark One. I turn my head and take a quick lick of Alpha’s face. Then I trot over, snatch the meat from Dark One’s hand and go to my bed.

Dark One takes my place in Alpha’s paws. "I hate to say this, Kels, but your hero just gave you up for a strip of steak."

Alpha puts her mouth against Dark One’s. "You would never do that, right?"

"Not for steak, no. But maybe for some of Mama’s shrimp Creole."

* * *

"I like it when Mommy does this." Collin laughs.

"Me too," I agree. I concentrate. I want milk. I know Mommy won’t disappoint me. She never does. Whatever we want, she give us.

"Mon Dieu, Kels! How can you eat that and drink milk?" Mama asks.

A better question is why Collin wanted lima beans and ice cream.

"And what am I supposed to drink at this hour, Tabloid?"

"True. At three a.m. one cannot be too picky."

"No, because if one gets too picky, one will be going out for something else."

"Milk is good for you, sweetheart. Drink up." Mama laughs. She must like milk too.

"I can’t wait to get home." Mommy rubs my back while she talks to Mama. Oh, that’s nice, and it’s making me sleepy. "I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone."

There must be lots of people in this New Orleans place Mama and Mommy keep talking about. I know we’re going there soon to get born. Why we can’t do that where we are now?

"Hey, Collin?"

"Yeah?" He looks over at me and burps.

"You think since Mama says we’re two new, little lives, that’s why we gotta go to this New Orleans to get born?"

"Could be. Maybe it’s a rule."

I think about it for a moment and then put in my order for spaghetti. Why is Mama growling like Puppy now?

"Oh, Kels, darlin’, I love you, but that is just sick!"

* * *

"Brennan, what do you think it’s going to be like after we’re born?"

"It’s going to be good."

"Why do you think so?"

Brennan shrugs. "Because Mommy and Mama say it is."

"I look forward to seeing them. Mommy is really pretty."

"How do you know that?"

I sigh. "Because Mama always says she is."

"That’s true." Brennan lifts her arms above her head and stretches. "I’m looking forward to having more room to move around. Mama says we’ll have our own room that she’s been working on."

"It’s gotta be bigger than this then," I agree, "if Mama can fit in it. I want to see Puppy."

"And Aunt Brian!"

"How much longer do you think we’ll be here?"

Brennan shifts position. "I don’t think it can be much longer, Collin. We’re running out of space here."

"We’ll be together, though, won’t we? I don’t want to be alone."

"Absolutely. We’re family. Family stays together."

<fade out>

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