Copyright Zealander1@aol.com

Darkbard Fantasies
May 1, 1997
The characters of Xena and Gabrielle are the property of MCA/Universal. The
story is all mine.
Disclaimer: No-one is killed, raped, or injured and this story contains no sex
whatsoever though it's obvious that Xena is going unfulfilled. What this story
does contain is a lot of good-natured kidding that pertains to all us writers.
I just thought this piece was long overdue...I'm gonna get flamed anyway, I
just know it...
"Hey... Whatcha writing now?" <Xena plops down on the grass next to Gabrielle,
she hands over what is left of a banana>
"Hang on a sec..." <Gab is writing furiously, her tongue is hanging out of her
mouth in rushed anticipation>
"There! It's a new story." <Gab holds out the freshly inked parchment for Xena
to see>
"Another one? Gabrielle, all you do any more is sit and write these stories of
our sex life."
"It's not all sex, Xena. I add *adventure* and *intrigue* to them, too." <Gab
is so proud! >
"It's sex pure and simple. And quite honestly...."
"Yes...?" <Gab arches one eyebrow... 'cause Xena taught her how>
"Well, first off you either ignore me completely - and you know what I mean -
"Or?" <Gab arches the other eyebrow>
"Or... you are wearing me out with wanting to act out all these positions and
"*Me*? Wearing *you* out?" 
"Yes. It's getting so.. so.. mechanical. So methodical. I feel cheap. AND I AM
"That battery-powered saddlehorn the falafel guy sold you last week was NOT
"Gabrielle, that was a business expense."
"Try claiming an IRS deduction for it, my sweet."
"I did. I itemized my 1040X." <Xena silently wonders if she will get away with
the deduction for Gabrielle's henbane as a medical expense>
<Gab takes to more furious writing> "Hang on a sec.. I got another idea."
"Oh  brother...there goes the rest of today..." <Xena gets up and stalks over
to Argo>
<Gab, still writing, replies: > "I heard that, Xena."
<Xena mumbles under her breath: > "Yeah, well, do you hear my hand working
overtime at night?"
"No, but I understand you need new batteries already... saw you talking to
that arms dealer in Corinth.
"Oh, hell...Corinth this, Corinth that. Why are we always in Corinth? I wanna
go somewhere else!"
"Where? Troy? Athens? Thessally? Potiedia or Amphipilous?" <Gab tries to erase
a line and instead puts a whole in the paper>
"I dunno. Anywhere but here. Same ole path, same ole towns. Let's go somewhere
exciting - like New York."
"No, I was thinking the Poconos...of course I meant the city!"
"Will you take me for a hotdog at Coney Island?" <Gab is still writing
"Gee, Gabrielle, do you think you can take the time out from writing to
actually *eat* one?"
"I can *always* eat, Xena."
<Xena mumbling again...> "Hmp...You never pick anything off *my* menu
"Xena, I heard that, too and you are a one course meal."
"Are you saying you are bored with my fare?"
"Nooo....but... hey! I thought of another position for my next story. Wanna
hear it?"
"Does it involve a hot tub, a stream or a waterfall?"
"An inn, a barn or the cold hard ground?"
"A meadow."
"Day or night?"
"Well, that's a switch. You coming on to me or me going along with you?"
"Xena...No. This time you get to seduce me."
"Ok.. I'm liking this story. What do I have to do? Hang upside down like a
bat? Or sneak up behind you?"
"Xena, you are making fun of me."
"Will it be to fulfill destiny, fate or a quest?"
"No - something from your past."
"Big surprise...<dripping sarcasm> Will I be dominant or submissive?"
"Just yourself."
"Myself? Who's that? I haven't been me in well, have I *ever* been me? Does
anyone know me? Do *I* know me?"
"I could make it a dream sequence."
"Been there, done that."
"I could change the timeline; make you an archeologist?"
"I dunno.. You might have me in pantyhose and pumps. Ick.." <Xena shudders at
the thought! >
"Uh... you could be a wicked warlord who's never met me before. I could be
your slave girl."
"Done that, too. Quite a few times. You still a virgin in this one?"
"But of course...You could have a male love interest."
"Nobody'd read it."
"Oh...True. Nevermind...I know, one of us could be hurt or sick. Or blind."
"Nope, we've already suffered all the known perils of the trade."
"I got it! I could roll all these things into one. You could be a bi-sexual,
dirty, mysterious, blind ex-warlord turned archeologist who seduces a
wandering, virgin slave girl in the middle of the afternoon in a meadow and it
end up being nothing more than a dream."
"Gabrielle, give me that pen."
"Just do it." <Gab reluctantly hands over the quill>
<Xena breaks the thing in half>
"XENA! Why did you do that?"
"You have gone too far with this writing thing."
"It's not a "thing." It's a hobby. Maybe someday a career."
"It's a waste of time. It is not reality. It's FAN-FICTION!!!!!!!"
"Damn you, Xena! I *like* writing."
"Well, I like sex but all I ever get is what you write. How 'bout the real
<Gab contemplates the idea for a moment... a looooonnng moment>
<Xena looks longingly and expectantly at her young bard>
"Yes...my little one?"
"Next time we are in Corinth can I buy a laptop?"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS!" <Xena stalks over to Argo and takes the reins>
"No, really, Xena - wait - I have a *great* idea. You're gonna love this. I
wanna get Internet access, too. 'Course we'd have to stay close to town or
maybe there is a connect number in New York City as well as Corinth. I know
there is in Troy. Wait! Xena? Will you stop walking and listen me? I want to
start up my own web page devoted just to you. Wouldn't that be a fabulous
idea? I think it'd be great.. A whole new obsession. I could have pictures of
you and my stories and a museum of our past adventures and maybe other people
write this kind of stuff about you and I could even add their stories as well
and who knows maybe there are other web sites that I could add a link to like
places that include Callisto, cause everyone has this love/hate thing with her
or Hercules.. Oops, boys *are* icky, scratch that idea, and well the future
Xena...just imagine... Wait up... and I really think this is my true
calling... an Amazon Web Queen...
<Xena stops walking and starts going through Argo's saddlebags. She pulls out
a HUGE mess of scrolls...
"Xena <shyly> what are you doing with my writings?"
<Xena stops walking and glares at Gabrielle>
"Argo took a dump back there. I'm gonna go clean it up."
"You wouldn't...."
"I would and you know it."
"Ok... you would...Xena, stop. Can't we work something out?" <Gab is chasing
after Xena>
"You gonna stop writing and pay attention to me?" <Xena turns and gives Gab
her best look>
"Yes, I know - Xena has many needs..." 
"Ah ah.. What're ya gonna do for me?"
"I could make you my Web Princess?"
"Nope, not interested."
"Uh, I could post one of *your* stories?"
"Nope - too private."
"I could... I could...just start a mailing list? No web site?"
"I could finish 'A Small Price to Pay' - let you and everyone else know what I
bought from the falafel guy?"
"Hmmm...That's an idea.... But... no."
"Oh hell Xena.. I could.. Um.. I could..."
"Gabrielle, you can't stop, can you?"
"You are truly hooked on this fantasy writing thing."
"It *is* fun, but I can stop whenever I want."
"You can't. Admit it."
"I can. You'll see. I just have to finish this one about the Laths...then I'll
stop. I promise."
"What about that new one - the epic you call Change of Direction? Did it
already go south in the wind?"
"So I've got a bit of writers block on that one. I thought I'd write something
fun and light - to get my concentration back."
"And what about Past Imperfect? Why are there two versions with the same
"Ok ok, so I got mixed up once. Sue me."
"There are two  'Regrets' also."
"No..Now Xena ... that is entirely different. One is a poem, the other is a
"Part 1 of a story, I might add. You never finished it, either."
"Really? <Gab seems genuinely surprised> I forgot all about it. Give me a
couple of days to work on it and ..."
"That's it... that's it! I'm stopping here anyway...now *I* gotta take a
"Not with my scrolls, you aren't!!!!"
"Oh, yes I am..."
"No you are not...Xena...Xe..."
"Quit following me, you know I'm shy about these things."
"Xena, will you slow down... Xena... XENA!!"
And our little story fades away to a view of tall bushes. A warrior princess
and a bard still squabbling over the joy and heartache of a hobby gone mad
amidst passion and romance, along with in depth conversation regarding the
religious ramifications of fan-fiction in general....
Dedicated to all my fellow writers.........  :)

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