Disclaimers, blah, blah, blah...

MCA/Universal characters are not mine, no disrespect, infringement, or profit is intended with this "borrowing" of them. Sappho I think is past caring about such matters. I have also borrowed/altered verse from the Roman poet/philosopher/tactician/and all-around-ponderer Martial. This is all in fun. It was not my intention to directly identify or belittle anyone else's work in here. Any intentional direct story allusions are from the show or from my other stories. I am not sure where the phrase "Big, Dumb Warrior" originated, and as this was fiercely debated on the Xenaverse, I consider it a chicken/egg question and intend no offense by it's inclusion here. Not much in the way of graphic sex (Sorry), but if your under 21, or your local age of consent, or this is illegal where you are... please read something else. The loving relationship between two women is definitely discussed, referred to, and represented. If this causes you distress, I won't be offended if you read something else and evaluate why this makes you uncomfortable.

Comments welcome public or private. anvilk@aol.com

Many thanks to the Puckster for editing and making me post this (she does swing a wicked spatula!).

Thanks and I hope you enjoy,



The Kama Xutra

By: Kanvil

Gabrielle jumped up and down and clapped her hands, "Oh, Xena! An invitation to a Poetry Festival on Lesbos from Sappho herself! Please, let's go! I've always heard fantastic tales about her library."

Xena chuckled and ruffled the red-gold hair, "You know I can never deny you, my bard. If the weather holds, and we find a ship easily, we should be there in a week."

"Ship?" Gabrielle suddenly lost some of her enthusiasm.

"Did you expect me to fly you to the island? Come on, I promise not to let you eat anything you shouldn't," Xena waggled her eyebrows.

"Yeah, right. Notice who ended up with little squid friends the last time..."

Gabrielle muttered to herself.



After Gabrielle recovered from the sea voyage, a formal reception was held, and Sappho presented her finest students. Gabrielle and Xena were impressed with the student work, but Xena thought she might have to resuscitate Gabrielle after Sappho's closing presentation of her own work.

The poet dismissed the young bard's praise with a wave, "Gabrielle, I really hope that you will grace our library with some of your scrolls. We have several of your "Tales of the Warrior Princess" that were sold to us by a merchant named Salubrious?... Salmonella?...Salmonius! Yes, that was his name. However, since some of the events seem quite improbable, what with your deaths and all, I hope you will check them for accuracy."

Gabrielle blushed furiously and managed a nod. Xena amused at her friend's lack of verbiage, but always her champion, answered, "Salmonius, is fairly reputable, at least as far as Gabrielle's stories are concerned. He and I made a little...deal. As long as Gabrielle approves the ones he has had scribed, and he puts some money away for her, I won't let her break his kneecaps with her staff."

Sappho, understanding all too well artistic temperament and the perils of reproducing work, nodded sagely. "I see. Well, please make yourselves at home. I'm afraid with all of the guests here for the poetry contest, I won't be able to spend as much time with you as I would like. But, it didn't seem proper to have a poetry festival celebrating love, without two of the most famous lovers in Greece gracing us with their presence. Gabrielle, the library is completely at your disposal, ask if you need anything." Nodding, the poet winked at the furiously blushing couple and let herself be swept off into the crowd.

"Uh, Xena? Did she just say...?"

"Gabrielle, what exactly did you write in those scrolls for Salmonius?"

"Uhhhhh, maybe I'll go to the library, you know, read a little before I turn in." Gabrielle splutterred and tried to scamper away.

Catching the bard's arm, "I think I'll go with you. This might prove...enlightening." Xena had recovered herself enough to smirk and lift an eyebrow.



"Xena!" Gabrielle spluttered for about the fiftieth time. "This...this...is pornographic!

We never did anything like this!!"

Salmonius's scrolls had checked out okay, fortunately for him. However, others had not been so scrupulous in their retellings. Quite a few of the stories, in a surprisingly large section about the two of them, seemed to be pure fiction.

Xena read the passage that was upsetting the bard, this time. Leaning over her shoulder and chuckling deep in her throat, "Well, Gabrielle, I'm not sure that's even possible. But, I think we should be flattered people believe we're sooooo flexible."

Gabrielle's face had retained it's blush ever since Sappho had commented on their relationship. Xena was wondering, if it was embarrassment, too much wine, or perhaps even a little arousal from all the scrolls of the improbable adventures the two of them seemed to have had without their knowledge. "My eyes are green, dammit." Gabrielle grumbled.

Gabrielle was turning a scroll upside down and tilting her head from side to side. "Find an illustrated one?" Xena asked.

"Errrrr, yeah. Here, see if you can tell who is who." Gabrielle tossed the scroll and Xena snatched it casually out of the air.

Repeating Gabrielle's turning and tilting, Xena finally gave up, "I think you're the one with the extra arm," was her final comment before tossing it onto a growing pile of scrolls Gabrielle swore she was going to burn.

"Yikes!! This one has us doing it with Hercules and Iolus... at the same time!! Oh Gods above! ...me and Salmonius?!! Oh for the love of.... You've got to be kidding... Xena did you know Toxius fathered Solon?!!!!" Gabrielle was really working herself into a lather, "Half the Amazon Nation and Sappho herself!!"

Xena was trying hard to be sympathetic, but the whole thing was so ridiculous she finally had to laugh. Here she was, at one time the most feared and hated Warlord in the known world, and people were writing dirty stories about her and her Amazon Queen from Potaedia.

"Everyone knows what color your hair and eyes are. But, me? ...Noooo. Reddish hair, green eyes, it's pretty simple. I haven't been a blonde in ages...and now only sometimes when we fight." Gabrielle was still muttering under her breath.

"The golden hair that Gabby wears is hers. Who would have thought it? She swears 'tis true and true she swears, for I know where she bought it." Xena, trying very hard not to laugh, quoted from a scroll.

Gabrielle rolled her eyes, "I really don't understand how you can find that Roman idiot funny. Besides some of these bards aren't all that nice to you either! According to this one you're an abusive drunk, that refers to me as your little bardlette!"

"Bardlette? I wouldn't say that! I have far more creative pet names for you."

"Ooops, here's another ditty about your...ahh attributes." Xena smirked, "The greenish garb the Gabster wears is hideous, there's no denying it. But it shows off her abs, and for us that loves Gabs, we're vocal and quite admire it." Xena chuckled.

"There's all sorts of weird stories in here about people we don't even know!!

Who is this Janeway woman?" Gabrielle looked perplexed.

"Oh Zeus, ...time travel and extended family!" Xena groaned reading another scroll.

"Hey there Blondie, you seem to cry and wail alot in these stories, ...you also sulk, whine and manipulate... Do they know something that I don't?"

"Careful you 'Big Dumb Warrior' or I'll compile all these evil warlord quotes about you, and make sure people know they're 'Your Bardlette's'!"

"Okay, okay, Truce!" Xena called, losing the battle with laughter.



"Xena?!!" Gabrielle's voice had risen to a near shriek.

Xena ,holding her sides, finally managed to gasp, "Yes?"

"ARGO!" Gabrielle screamed.

Instantly sobering, "Argo?"

"Argo...and Tobias!" Gabrielle repeated.

"Argo?! Now that's going too far," Xena stormed. "Let me see that!"

Gabrielle was wiping tears, "It doesn't say anything about too bad about Argo, only mentions what a well-trained gelding she is," Gabrielle smiled sweetly.

"Gelding?!" Xena sputtered, "Gods above, the very next line refers to her as a 'fiery stallion'!" Xena frowned.

"This one surmises that since you supposedly were heard to once call Argo 'Boy', that one of your many skills has rendered your 'virile steed' an equine transgender."

"I'm not even sure what that means...."

"HA! Wait 'til you read the speculation about your saddlehorn." Gabrielle added.

"Ha Ha, amusing I'm sure. This part about Tobias and Sintaclees is a little bizarre though. I wondered about a grown man that spends all of his time with toys..." Xena muttered.

"Xena!! Sintaclees is not like that! You can't believe any of this! I mean, look how much of this is true about us!! Oh Gaia, what will people think about us after reading this smut! According to this one," she thundered while waving a particulary offense scroll, "We spend all of our time having group sex with our descendants from another dimension and doing nothing productive!! You!" pointing her fingur at the smirking warlord, "are supposed to be salvaging your reputation and turning yourself into a role model! ...Not some poster child for kinky sex!!" Gabrielle was working up to a righteous conniption.

"Gabrielle, people aren't going to read stuff like this. If they do, well, they certainly won't believe it. I'm sure it's only the students here indulging in some creative imaginings. They don't get off this island much. These scrolls will never see the mainland, much less Potaedia. Don't worry, I'm sure it's all just some harmless fun." Xena smiled trying to allay her friend's fears. "Besides, some of it is entertaining!" she added in a suggestive voice with her best leacherous grin.

"This is not the time for that! Oh gods! What if my mother reads this?! Or Lila?! She's going to think I'm some type of pervert! I mean what is this!? Letting you whip me? You would never lay a hand on me that way... Besides if there's whipping to be done, I think you should be on the receiving end..."

"I can always hope..." Xena said under her breath, then louder, "Gabrielle, love, come here."

Gabrielle thought about refusing, but then relented and snuggled into Xena's embrace, "Xena, this is our private life! I don't want a bunch of amateur hacks fantasizing about us. It's... it's... well it makes me feel violated. It's none of their business what we do or don't do."

"Gabrielle, be flattered. Obviously, none of them have anything close to what we do, otherwise they wouldn't be so intrigued. We have become role models for lovers everywhere." Xena tightened her arms about the young woman with whom she shared her soul.

"I guess you're right. Some of this stuff really is funny. How come your mother never told me that story about you running through Amphipolis naked?" Gabrielle managed a weak giggle.

"Don't believe everything you read.... Maybe we should see if that position in the drawing is possible, of course I don't want to dislocate anything." Xena nibbled down her neck.

"Hmmm," Gabrielle murmured and arched into Xena's attentions. "I don't want to grow an extra arm either. How about that first story? Think you can pin me down, hump my thigh, love me with your tongue, bite my nipples, and make me scream your name all at the same time ...while you're bound and gagged?"

"I have many skills." Xena was slowly guiding Gabrielle down towards the pile of scrolls on the floor.

"Yeah, but..." Gabrielle unrolled a scroll behind Xena's head, "...can you grasp my hips, while kneading my breasts and simultaneously plunging your large, graceful hands into my delicate folds grazing my swollen nub, which is busy riding your muscular thigh?" Gabrielle asked with a smirk, and a small gasp as Xena tweaked her nipple through her top.

"You'll just have to wait and find out now won't you..." Xena muttered into Gabrielle's cleavage, while working at the waistband of her skirt.

"Well I want you to straddle my face, pull my thighs over your shoulders, while sucking my toes, mrmPH!" Xena silenced her chatty love with a firm kiss.

Pulling back slightly, with a mischevious gleam in her sparkling blues, "Wonder where the librarian would file a whip in here..."



An hour or so later, a slightly rumpled bard and a mildly disheveled Warrior Princess exited the Library of Lesbos. Sappho had just emerged from the banquet hall as the two passed on the way to their room. "Well, did you find your scrolls?" she asked with a knowing grin.

"Uh, yeah." Gabrielle answered with a remarkably silly smile on her face.

"Interesting works."

"Yes, I thought you might enjoy them. And you, Xena? Did you enjoy them as well?"

"Oh yeah. Verrry enlightening," the sparkle in her eyes matching the bard's goofy grin.

"Excellent, then I won't keep the surprise from you any longer!" The poet clapped her hands, "We have been fortunate to enjoy good relations with a huge network of libraries throughout the world. I am so pleased to tell you that thousands of copies of these scrolls have been sent out, easily accessible to your fans all over the world. I made sure to send extra copies to Potaedia and Amphipolis!"

Xena gaped open-mouthed at the poet, but still managed to catch a fainting Gabrielle before she hit the floor. The bard's eyes fluttered and she muttered something that sounded like, "Mothertobiasneighborslilakaty...." before lapsing once more into unconsciousness.



A week later, a subdued bard and warrior tried to slink unobtrusively onto a ship in the harbor of Lesbos. They were, unfortunately, seen by one of the local magistrates. Said magistrate insisted on providing a parade and a fanfare of trumpets to escort the large shipment of scrolls earmarked to accompany them. Sappho herself came down to the dock to see them off and assigned a battalion of her personal guard to make sure the scrolls were delivered safely and with glorious pomp and circumstance.

As history will show, despite the best efforts of the Warrior and the Bard, the questionable scrolls survived. Indeterminate centuries later, new stories of the duo seem to appear everyday.


Thanks for reading! Comments? anvilk@aol.com

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