MTV'S REAL WORLD....XENA!
by JayBird (Jay Markle)
Author's note: The concept of the MTV series "The Real World" is simple. Put seven people in a palatial dream house and watch the fireworks as they interact. What wasn't so simple was the concept for this season's episodes.
The producers would go not to San Francisco, Miami or London... but back in time to Ancient Greece. Unfortunately the show ended in disaster during the third episode. Here now -for the first time anywhere- is a transcript of the never-before-seen third episode...
"This is what happens..." Hercules intones.
"...when seven people..." Xena continues.
"...Well, five mortals, one god and a half-breed," Ares sneers.
"Move into a house together..." Iolaus says.
"...and stop kidding around..." Gabrielle chirps.
"...and start getting REAL!" Ephiny finishes.
"Psssst!" Salmoneus says. "It's the REAL WORLD! Ancient Greece!"
It's a beautiful spring day on a large resort island somewhere on the Aegean Sea, as we look in on a palatial multi-storied beach house on a cliff, overlooking a white sand beach.
Xena is in the adjacent stables, brushing down Argo.
"I guess this was a good idea," she says to the scribe. "I mean, living here for six months and all with the others and having you scribes write down everything we say and do." She shrugs. "Gabby and I really needed some down time after the Cecrops Incident." She sighs. "This place is calm and so peaceful... and Herc and Iolaus are always up for a trip into town. In fact this place would be perfect if it wasn't for..."
"Hello, my Princess," Ares says.
"Well... speak of the God."
"Just wanted to remind you that we've got a house meeting in a little while. Gotta find a replacement for Ephiny."
"Hello, Argo..." Ares reaches out a hand. Argo bites him.
"Goooood Argo," Xena says, petting her horse's nose.
"That horse hates me!"
"Everybody hates you."
"Hmph! You know, Xena... One day you will return to me, and then..."
"Oh, blow it out your ass," Xena says as she walks off. Ares sighs and looks at the scribe.
"Don't count me out yet!" Ares says. "I only agreed to this asinine living arrangement because I knew I could make Xena see the light... and return to me as my Warrior Princess!"
Ares laughs loud, long and hard as he walks off, not realizing he's stepped in a big pile of horse apples until he's tracked it all through the house.
Just returning from a day in town are Hercules and Iolaus, looking sweaty, bronzed and muscular.
"Ah... I'm tired," Herc says. "But it's a good kind of tired..."
"Whatever," Iolaus says. "Look, y'know Ephiny is leaving today, right?"
"So we gotta have a house meeting to decide who replaces her. And I was kinda hoping you'd throw your vote towards my nominee."
"And who is she?"
"How'd ya know it's a she?"
"I know you, Iolaus."
"Alright, it's Darcy. Y'met her at your Mom's wedding to Jason. Y'know, just before you and the groom got swallowed by the sea monster?"
"Oh yeah." Herc frowns. "Isn't she a scribe for that scroll-rag the 'Enquirer Globus?'"
"And doesn't she do all those stories about people being abducted by superior beings from other continents?"
"She used to... But she's really a very nice girl, Herc!" Iolaus looked up hopefully. "And besides, if she does move in with us, there's a good chance I'll get laid on a regular basis!"
"There you guys are!"
Herc and Iolaus turn as Salmoneus walks up. "I've been looking for you two all day!" he says. "Where have you been anyway?"
"We went into town and helped the villagers repair their cisterns," Herc replies.
"Look, Herc," Sal says. "I've got three words for you... Public... Works..Department... Okay? These people pay taxes to good King Whozitz and he's supposed to see to this stuff! You two are on vacation!"
"That's what I said," Iolaus mutters.
"Anyway," Sal continues, "The MTV people are still offering to set us up in a small business, and now would be a perfect time to float that time-share idea I had..."
"I... don't think so, Salmoneus," Herc says.
"ARE YOU KIDDING?!" Sal exclaims. "Look, we all buy shares in some beachfront property..."
"No, Sal," Iolaus says.
"Okay-okay-okay," Sal sighs. "Look, that guy from Rome is still selling those vomitorium franchises..."
Herc and Iolaus walk away.
"That's okay!" Sal shouts. "We'll talk about it over dinner!"
"Whatever," Herc says as he enters the house. He stops. "Whoof! Something sure smells like the Augean stables!"
"I don't smell anything," Ares replies from the living room.
Meanwhile in one of the palatial bedrooms overlooking the Aegean...
Ephiny is busy packing, carefully folding brown suede halter tops, skirts and panties into a brown suede suitcase. Gabrielle lies on the bed, watching her.
"I'm really gonna miss you, Ephie," she says.
"Same here," Ephiny replies. "But I have to get back to Centaurville. Hoofy needs me!"
"Must be tough being a single mom." Gabrielle looks kindly at her. "Trying to be both centaur and mother to a young boy-colt."
"You said it," Ephiny replies. "Worst part is how the rest of the Centauri community ostracizes Hoofy just because I'm an Amazon!" She looks at Gabrielle, ready to cry. "Y'see, all the other centaurs, love to run around and play... but they never let poor Hoofy, play in any of their centaur games!"
Gabrielle nods sympathetically.
"I was hoping that staying here would help dispel some of the Amazon myths," Ephiny says. "Y'know, like that whole cut-off-your-right-tit-thing? Artemis knows where THAT came from!"
"Probably some guy's idea of a joke."
"Well that's not the worst of it," Ephiny says. "I mean, a girl wears a little leather, kicks a little ass and hangs out with some tough women...and boom! Everybody thinks you're a dyke! Or some kinda man-hating dominatrix. Right, Gabby?"
"Uh... gee, Ephie..." A suddenly red-faced Gabrielle mutters. "I... uh, wouldn't know..."
Later, the rest of the group--minus Ares, who's grabbing a bite to eat in the kitchen--waves goodbye to Ephiny as she walks down to the dock to wait for the boat that will take her to the mainland.
"Are we done with the fond farewells?" Ares asks as they troop into the kitchen.
"Let's get on with this meeting," Xena says.
"Fine." Ares polishes off the last of his gyro and licks his fingers.
"Alright," Hercules says, standing at the head of the table as everyone takes a seat. "This meeting of the MTV 'Real World' Greek Beach House is now in session. As everybody knows, we're here to vote on a replacement for Ephiny, who was called away on family business. Each member of the household is free to nominate one individual, who will be voted on by the rest of the household. The person receiving the most votes wins. So... any nominations?"
Everybody raises their hands.
"Oh great," Iolaus mutters.
"Well, ladies first," Herc says.
Xena and Gabrielle both rise to their feet. Xena gives Gabby a hard look. She sighs and sits back down.
"I'd like to nominate..."
"Excuse me," Ares says. "I hate to interrupt, but it might be better if I go first... seeing how my nominee is already on the island and on their way here!"
Ares holds up his hands at the chorus of protests that follow.
"Hey! Just gear down, everybody!" Ares says. "This is just a lil'... preliminary interview. A 'get to know 'em' kinda thing! That's all!"
"I sure hope you didn't invite that miscreant cousin of yours," Iolaus says.
"As a matter of fact, it isn't Strife," Ares says. "But..."
"Too bad," Xena says. "I'd have paid good dinars to see Herc kick his skinny ass into next week!"
"Well since we're on the subject of nominees... I certainly hope you don't intend to embarrass yourself by nominating that village idiot who follows you about..."
"HEY!!!" Xena shouts, sticking her finger in Ares' face. "Lay the HELL off Joxer!!!"
"Alright, pax everybody!" Herc says. "Pax, okay?"
Grumbling, Xena sits back down. Ares smiles serenely.
"My nominee," Ares continues blithely, "is a... misunderstood person. A person who..."
The doorbell rang.
"Is here as I speak." He grins. "I'll be right back..."
As he leaves, Sal leans over to Herc.
"Psssst! Hey, he's your brother 'n all..."
"Whatever. Does he actually know any... nice people?"
"Well..." Herc thinks. "None who are still alive."
"An here she is!" Ares calls, bringing in his nominee for all to meet.
"Hi, everybody!" Callisto says brightly. She's traded in her battle leathers for a short silken robe trimmed in gold, and let her hair down to frame he face in loose blonde curls... but it's the same old Callisto. Still crazy after all these years.
The reaction is immediate. Xena pulls her chakram, as Gabrielle grabs her staff. Herc and Iolaus are both on their feet with fists ready even as Salmoneus screams like a woman and hides under the table.
Ares clucks his tongue. "I am ashamed of you all!" He looks under the table. "Especially you, Sal!" He turns to Callisto who is now pouting and looking quite dolce-eyed. "This... poor misunderstood girl wants only one thing from each of you..."
"Our heads on a plate?" Iolaus asks.
The assembled look at Callisto with varying degrees of disbelief, even Sal, who is peeking over the tabletop.
"I just wanna say," Callisto starts hesitantly, "that I am like really-really-really-really... REALLY sorry, for anything and everything that I have ever done to any of you." Ares whispers in her ear. "Oh!" She smiles at Gabrielle. "And also your loved ones, living or dead!"
Gabrielle starts for her, but is restrained by Xena.
"Watch it!" Xena whispers. "She's still a Goddess!"
"Technically, yes," Ares says. "But Callie has renounced her Goddess-hood, and intends to live out a normal existence... as just plain folks! Right, Callie?"
Callisto raises her right hand. "I swear, so help me... ME!"
"And also in the spirit of taking responsibility for one's past actions, Callie wishes to forgive each of you... for the wrongs you perpetrated on her."
"What did I ever do to her, for Zeussakes!" Salmoneus whines.
"Not everybody," Ares admits. He looks at Xena. "But some..."
"I want to say that I forgive Hercules," Callisto says. "For leaving me in a yucky ol' temple loaded with icky rats! And I forgive Xena," she looks her in the eyes, "for destroying my home village of Cirra, killing my mother and sister and letting me die a horrible death in quicksand!" She smiles. "I know you must have had your reasons..."
"Well?" Ares says to Xena.
"You don't have to say anything," Hercules says kindly. "We're your friends. We understand."
Xena looks around the table at the smiling faces of Salmoneus, Iolaus, Hercules and Gabrielle, who gently places her hand over Xena's.
"Thank you," she says quietly. 'But I'll answer her." She looks to Callisto. "Not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened at Cirra, or the innocent lives that were lost there. But I know that all my words of contrite sorrow will never bring one soul back. And therefore will accomplish nothing. I've learned in my journeys that it is deeds... not words, that bring forgiveness."
"Well said," Iolaus says quietly. Sal sniffs, dabbing at his eyes with the sleeve of his robe.
"On the other hand," Xena continues, "when it comes to letting you die in the quicksand... I'd do that again in a Carthaginian minute!"
There's a chorus of groans followed by loud arguments at Xena's words.
"See! See!" Callisto says. "Everybody thinks I'm the crazy one! But lookit her! Lookit her!!!"
Finally Herc stands up.
"Alright, everybody!" There's silence. "I think we've heard enough. Let's vote. Here and now."
"Fine!" Ares says. He looks to Salmoneus. "Sal! My friend! You have no ax to grind against the fair young Callie. What do you say?"
"I say... Pffftttt!!!" Sal makes a thumbs down gesture.
"And why, may I ask, are you against me?" Callisto asks, about ready to cry.
"ARE YOU KIDDING?!" Sal says. "If it wasn't for you I'd still be sitting pretty as Lord Seltzer, King of the Fizzy Waters!" He shrugs. "Well, that and the fact people I know and respect think you're a raving psycho-sexual sociopathic nutcase. No offense!"
"Hey. Sal," Iolaus whispers. "What ever happened to that 'Lord Seltzer' deal you had going?"
"Ahhh... Some guy named Perrierus bought it lock, stock and barrels and moved the whole operation to Gaul. Go figure!"
"Very well," Ares says. "Xena?"
Xena grins and turns to Gabrielle, who nods. Together they bring their hands forward into a thumbs down gesture and say, "Pffftttt!!!"
"Sorry, Callisto," Hercules says, also giving a thumbs down.
"Whaddya apologizing to her for?" Iolaus whispers. "Geez..."
"Iolaus?" Ares says.
"Ahem... Well, Callisto... I gotta go by the fact that as a member of this household, you'd be responsible for cooking the evening meal one night a week... and the last time we met... you tried to poison me. So..." Thumbs down.
A terrible silence hangs over the room as Callisto weeps.
"Well! this was sure fun!" Xena says brightly. "Let's get on with the other nominations! Ares, thanks for sharing. Callisto, don't let the screen door bump your ass on the way out!"
"You... think... you're done with me?" Callisto growls. "Fine. But I'm not done with you!" She looks up, eyes glowing like red hot coals. "All of you... think you can just... IGNORE ME?! I WILL NOT BE... IGNORED!!!"
"Holy fatal attraction, Herc!" Iolaus says. "I think we're in deep end-product!"
"Now, Callie," Ares says gently. "Don't make me give you a time out..."
Callisto screams in Ares' face, as he is blown off his feet and through a stucco wall into the game room.
Callisto's body is now glowing a toasty red as the floor opens up beneath her to reveal bubbling lava. Xena pulls two throwing knives from her boots and sends them both into Callisto with deadly accuracy, one impaling her heart, the other the center of her forehead.
Callisto laughs. The wooden hilts of the knives burst into flames as the iron blades turn molten and run off her body just as her wounds close back up.
"Let's book," Gabrielle whispers to Xena.
As Callisto continues to laugh like the crazy woman she is, everybody runs like Tartarus from the room. Hercules leaps through the hole in the wall that Ares just made and finds him picking himself up off the pool table.
"Ares!" Herc grabs him by the lapels of his leathers. "Time to clean up your mess!"
"Sorry, brother," Ares replies. "I think I hear Dad calling..."
And with that he disappears in a -whoosh!- of flame.
"I hate it when he does that," Herc mutters.
Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle are rushing down a hallway and are almost out the back door when the floor in front of them erupts into a miniature volcano that spews out lava... and Callisto, who is now almost indistinguishable from the lava herself.
"I'll get you my pretty!" Callisto cackles. "And your little bard too!"
As Xena pulls her chakram, Gabrielle spots the water barrel in the corner. She hefts it over on its side, flooding out the small room. Steam fills the room in dense clouds as the water hits the lava and turns momentarily solid enough to trap Callisto at the ankles. Xena and Gabrielle make tracks as Callisto pulls at her legs, shrieking like a banshee.
They make it outside, meeting Hercules at the front door.
"I can't find Iolaus!"
A second story window shatters as Iolaus somersaults through the broken glass and lands on his feet beside his friends.
"I can't find Sal!" he says.
"Hmph!" Gabrielle says. "You'd think he'd be the first one..."
"Are you guys coming or what!" Salmoneus screams. He's already a ways down the road, riding Argo. The others follow as fast as their feet will carry them.
Everybody ducks down as the MTV Greek Beach House is blown to flinders in an awesome explosion that blows the SFX budget for the next three episodes.
"I hope we don't have to pay for that!" Gabrielle shouts as they run.
"Don't worry!" Sal answers. "We're covered for Acts of Goddess!"
"Keep running!" Herc shouts. "Try to make it to the docks!"
Xena turns and sees that lava is now spewing from the very foundation of the house, following them down the road. She also sees that other mountain tops on the island are now smoking and that lava is running down the hills in massive red waves.
"I see it!" Herc shouts. "The whole island is going to blow!"
"They can't afford to do that!" Xena shouts.
"Sure they can!" Iolaus shouts back. "Stock footage!"
"Those bastards," Xena mutters.
It's a good ten minute run to the dock, and by then every villager and farmer on the island has already left in anything that could float. All except for one small sailboat at the end of the dock. Ephiny is waiting for them.
"I convinced the owner to donate his boat," Ephiny said, twirling her Amazon dagger.
"Babe, you're a lifesaver!" Iolaus gushes. "I just hope someone knows how to sail a..."
"Gabby! Raise the jib and drop the mainsail!" Xena shouts as she hops aboard. "Iolaus, throw off the lines! Sal, run up the mizzen and turn her hard to port so we can get outta here!"
Iolaus looks at Herc. "Many talents?"
Herc nods. "Many talents."
Soon the small boat, loaded down with six people and one carefully centered horse, is safely away from the island, just as it explodes in glossy technicolor.
"Sure looks like stock footage to me," Xena grouses. She turns to Iolaus. "Whaddya think, 'Krakatoa, East of Java'?"
"Naw. Looks more like 'Mysterious Island'."
"Well at least Callisto is out of our faces," Herc says. "At least till sweeps week." He looks to Xena. "Are we okay?"
"Wind's taking us south-southeast," Xena replies. "That's away from civilization, but there are islands ahead. Maybe we can make them." Her eyes narrow. "I don't like the look of those clouds either..."
"Stormy weather?" Sal asks.
"Sorry, I don't do requests," Xena replies. She looks to Gabrielle, who is busy carrying a tray around. "And how are you holding up?"
"Oh, fine!" Gabrielle grins. "Since the Cecrops cruise my seasick days are over!" She holds up the tray. "Calimari?"
"Could be worse," Iolaus says, taking a tidbit from the tray. "At least we don't have to look at..."
Ares pops in right on cue. Everybody screams.
"Well hello to you too!" Ares says. "I drop by to check on my friends and that's the thanks I get. Nice!"
"Why are you here?" Hercules says, confronting him. "Unless Zeus isn't too thrilled about Callisto running around Olympus again..."
"Yeah," Iolaus said. "I heard she really trashed the place last time..."
"I don't wanna talk about it," Ares sniffs.
"Awww... Whatsa matta you?" Herc grins. "Did you get... grounded? Again?"
Herc and Iolaus laugh.
"Don't be too damned happy," Xena says. "If he's grounded that means we're stuck with him!"
"You think I wanna be here?" Ares retorts. "This boat could swamp at any minute! Y'know, it might be wise to let the horsie take a walk. If you get my drift?"
"If someone's going swimming," Xena growls, "Argo isn't my first choice! Better mind yer manners, leatherboy. I'm the captain on this tub!"
"Land!" Ephiny yells from the rigging. "Land ho!"
"Looks like an island..." Herc says.
Several days later...
Gabrielle sits on the beach of another island, writing in her scrolls.
"Dinar for your thoughts."
She looks up. "Hi, Hercules!"
"What are you writing about?" Herc asks as he stands over her, looking sweaty, bronzed and muscular.
"Not much!" she replies. "Boy, this really sucks! I mean, if we hadda land on a deserted island, I am glad we landed on one with plenty of trees, fresh water, fruit and wild game... but still, this is soooo boring!"
I wouldn't be too worried about that," Herc replies. "Seven castaways shipwrecked on an uncharted deserted isle... No telling what adventures we'll have!"
"Hey, Herc!" Iolaus calls.
"Comin', little buddy!" Herc calls back. "Iolaus and I are almost finished with the huts, then we're going to work on the lobster traps down in the lagoon. Where's Xena?"
"She and Ephiny are checking out the caves again. She still thinks the Horde was here at one time." Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "Headhunters on the island! That's all we need!"
"Yeah," Herc grinned. "Well, back to work!"
He's a nice guy, Gabrielle thinks as he sprints off. Dim, but nice.
She looks down the beach. Sal is galloping Argo through the surf, while Ares sits under a tree, sweltering in his leathers. Gabrielle shakes her head and reads aloud from her scroll...
"Just sit right back and I'll tell the tale...
The tale of a faithful trip!
That started from a Greek island,
Aboard a tiny ship..."
Yeah, Gabrielle thinks. That'll work!
Please send any comments to JayMarkle@webtv.net
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