Darkbard Fantasies
March 21, 1997

The characters of Xena and Gabrielle are the property of MCA/Universal. The
story is all mine - warped that it is. <g>
"Xena, how many women have you been with?" <Gabrielle asks softly>
"What kind of question is that?" <incredulous>
"Answer it." <Gabrielle pleads>
"No." <Xena says indignantly>
"How many, Xena?" 
<shaking her head> "Why do you care?" 
"I just want to know."
"My past relationships..."
<interrupting> "I'm not asking about relationships, I want to know how many
women you have slept with."
"Jeez! Gabrielle..."
"How many?"
"I don't see the point in..."
<interrupting again> "Tell me."
"Why do you want to know?"
"I just do. Now tell me."
"Why Gabrielle? Is there a problem between us I don't know about all of a
"No... I just want to know where I stand."
""Where you stand?"" <reaching out for the bard> "You are my life. I love you.
I need you. I..."
"How many?"
<Xena throws her head back in utter despair> "I don't know, Gabrielle!"
"You don't know or you won't tell me."
"Dammit. Why are you doing this? I thought everything between us was fine?"
"It is. I just wanna know how many women."
"The answer is: I_don't_know."
"You don't know. Well, gee, that narrows it down. Pick a number between 1 and
100. If you say none of those numbers fit, then I'm leaving cause I'm not
gonna be a triple-digit girlfriend."
<heavy sigh> "Let me think. <a few moments pass> This is impossible!"
"Think. And hard."
Xena sits down on the grass next to a tall tree, she stares off into space.
Gabrielle waits.
"I don't know exactly."
"Well, think of their names, Xena. That should help."
<Xena supresses a small chuckle> "Uh, names would be the harder route to go
"Xena! You slept with a woman and didn't even know her name?"
"Xena - the Slut Princess." <Gabrielle laughs nervously>
"Gabrielle... look. Things between you and I are fine. Why bring up something
that has nothing to do with you and me?"
"Because it does have to do with you and me. Our lives are together now and
what was your past is now mine. It's that whole 'we now are one' thing."
"Gabrielle, my past is just that. *My* past. Anything I did before you is my
own, whether it be a mistake or not."
"No, Xena. When I say 'I love you', I mean all of you. Everything you are,
past, present and future."
"That's very kind of you. But, I don't see where your knowing how many women I
have been to bed with will enhance our relationship." 
"Tell me."
"It serves no purpose." <Xena is pacing now>
"Tell me."
"I don't know how many. There. Are you happy?"
"Think again."
"Oh, for Goddess sake, Gabrielle! Why are you doing this to us?!"
"I have a right to know."
"You do not!"
"Yes, I do. I'll tell you how many women I've been with."
"But, I already know the answer to that - it's one. Me."
"Nope. You are not my first."
<Xena turns around quickly> "WHAT?"
"That's right, my proud warrior. You were not the first."
"You mean you weren't a virgin?"
"Blew that little conquest out of your mind now, didn't I?" <Gab smiles a
wicked smile>
"Who else have you been with?" <Xena is sitting back down, looking dazed and
"It doesn't matter. Just know that I had experience."
"Well, you didn't seem all that scared that first night...but I thought you
were being brave and all..."
"Nope. I knew exactly what I was doing."
"I don't believe this... how many others, Gabrielle?"
"It doesn't matter, Xena. I love *you* now."
"Tell me. How many?"
"No." <Gab turns her head and watches Argo quietly munching on grass>
"Gabrielle, please?" <Xena is standing next to her, a hand resting on her
<Gab turns to face the women in black leather. She smiles sweetly into her
face and speaks softly> "How many, Xena?"
"Oh, for the love of Zeus!!!"
"I'm not gonna let this go. Tell me."
"Then what? If I tell you honestly how many women, then what?"
"Nothing. Hmmm. Somehow I doubt that."
"Tell me."
"Somehow I know my life is gonna change right here, right now and not for the
"Tell me."
"You *promise* me, you won't ever use this against me?"
"I promise."
"You pinky swear?"
"Yeah, yeah and stick a finger in my eye and all that rot. How many?"
"Now remember, this is not an exact number."
"Ok, tell me."
"Hey, you asked."
"I don't believe you. <mumbling> 31 different women my ass..."
"It's true. Though I reserve the right to change that number if my memory
proves otherwise."
"No way, Xena - you're not old enough to have slept with 31 different women.
My Gods, were any of them long term? 'Cause if so, your libido is like way
beyond normal."
"What's normal for me, may not be for you, Gabrielle. However, if you are
asking me do I like sex, then the answer is yes. A resounding 'y_e_s'."
"This is unreal. I thought you'd say like 9." <Gab is still in shock>
<Xena chokes under a small giggle> "9. My first year maybe...."
<Gab punches Xena's arm> "I hate you."
"So, my little Bard turned Amazon Queen, How many before me?"
"I'm not answering that."
"You have to. It was a deal."
"I made no deals, Xena."
"You promised."
"No, I did not promise I'd tell you. I promised I wouldn't use your number
against you later on."
"Oh." <Xena looks dejected>
"Fine. The answer is one. Just one lousy one. Are you happy now?'
"Who was she?"
"Well, at least tell me her name."
"No. What does it matter what her name was? Not like you'll ever meet her."
"I might. She from your village?"
"This whole thing is just dumb."
"How old were you?"
"Dumb, dumb, dumb..."
"What color hair did she have?"
"Xena, stop it!"
"Did she have blue eyes like me?"
"Get your hands off of me!"
"Was she a femmy girl or kinda butch like me?"
"Xena, you are the most exasperating person I..."
"Was she as good as me?"
"You are one fine piece of work, do you know that?"
"I do. Was her name Rhiannan?"
"Was it Daria?"
"No. Xena stop this. And quit touching me!"
"Ooh.. since when don't you like that?"
"Well, I do like that but not right now."
"Ok." <takes her hands away from Gabs hips> 
"Was her name..."
"Her name was Xena. There are you happy now?"
"You knew another girl named Xena?"
"Oh for.. YOU, Xena. The woman was you. I lied"
"You lied."
"Because I wanted to know how many women you'd been with. And you wouldn't
tell me otherwise."
"Oh. <Xena scuffs a boot in the dirt> I lied, too."
<Gab turns to Xena, eyes hopeful>
"It was 33. I remembered 2 more."
<Gab throws her hands up in the air> "33. Great. Just great."
"Yeah, I think so."
"You're a trollop, Xena."
"I am not!"
"You're a hussy!"
"Gabrielle, I've had quite enough of this conversation" <she takes Argo's
reins and they start walking down the path towards Corinth.>
"A woman of many skills?"
"Hey, now I like that one!"
"Perfect. We can have that put on your tombstone. Xena - Warrior Princess. She
had many skills. And slept with 33 different women."
"Yeah. I forgot to count you."
<Gabrielle shakes her head> "Of course."
"So you *were* a virgin, eh?" 
"I thought so."<Xena smiles her whitest smile> 
"Xena, you can't really tell if a woman is a virgin or not."
"I can."
"You can not."
"Yes, I can."
"I'm not telling."
<exasperated> "Xena.. what am I gonna do with you?"
"I have an idea...."
"Does it involve anything to do with sex?"
"Xena, I have a headache."
"You do not!"
"Yes, I do."
"No you don't. You're making it up."
"Xena, if I'd just told you I'd had sex with 33..."
"Thank you. 34 different women, don't you think you'd have a headache?"
"Yeah. Oh."
"Will it be gone by tonight?"
"Xena, is sex all you ever think about?"
"Wait. Don't answer that. 34 women kinda says it all."
"Yeah, I suppose it does."
"Were any of them better than me?"
"Ok. Ok. <a moment later> So, what's your favorite position?"
"Gabrielle. Shut up. I love you, but shut_up." <Xena starts walking faster and
away from the bard>
"That wasn't a very nice thing to say."
"Just do it. For your sanity and mine."
"Xena, are you saying I talk too much?" <Xena is riding Argo now. And about 4
feet ahead>
"Gabrielle, you're giving *me* a headache!"
"Alright. I'll be quiet. Can I at least ride with you? My feet hurt."
"Promise me. Promise me, not another word the rest of the night."
"Are we still gonna, you know, later on?"
"Can I at least moan?"
<Gab is last seen reaching into a saddlebag for a roll of gray duct tape...>
"Can I put it on? When you do it, you always put it on crooked..."
THE END... thank the Gods.
Zealander1 - who can honestly only remember 21 women and doesn't recall every

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