Disclaimer: The characters of Xena and Gabrielle and others resembling those from the TV show, belong to Studio USA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement on their rights is intended. All other characters are of my own creation and belong to me.

Subtext Disclaimer: This story contains graphic scenes of a loving relationship between two consenting adults, who happen to be of the same sex. If this offends you, or you are under 18 years of age, or you reside in an area where this type of material is illegal, read no more. There is plenty of general fanfic out there for you. Go find it.

Shock Factor: 0, unless you think your parents never had sex to get you here. Plan D #30.

Please send any comments to asdease1@gte.net

Enjoy, I hope.


Written by FlyBigD

Joseph Morgan stood out on the deck of his daughter’s house humming to himself as he kept a close eye on his one and only dish, which was grilled salmon marinated in his secret special sauce that had to be applied at the exact time, or else the fish would be completely and utterly ruined forever. Testing the tenderness with his finger, he promptly stuck it in his mouth when it started to sizzle along with the salmon. "Grace! It’s time for the sauce!" Yelling over his shoulder, Dad could almost taste the salmon as the aroma filled his lungs and made his mouth water.

Opening one of the French doors, Xena stepped out onto the deck and handed her father his bottle of secret special sauce. "Here."

Taking the bottle in his hand, Joseph shook it to stir up the spices inside, then held it up for inspection. "Grace, why is my secret special sauce brown?" Confused, he looked from the muddied liquid to his daughter.

"Faith tasted it and thought it needed something." Smiling once, the warrior went back to a completely blank expression.

This information made Dad frown and he looked at the bottle again. "What did she think it needed?" Finding the idea incomprehensible, because his secret special sauce was perfection personified, in his opinion.

"Chocolate syrup." Speaking in a dead pan voice, Xena smiled weakly. "Be thankful, Daddy. I’ve got half a bottle of ketchup with grape jelly in it." Patting his shoulder, she turned and left him with his new and improved secret special sauce.

Never one to be out done, the mighty Joseph Morgan put down his fish flipper and opened the bottle. Taking a quick whiff, he remembered the time his wife had put creme de menthe in his sauce when she was pregnant with Brian and shrugged when the chocolate odor mixed with the hint of his secret spices. "They say variety is the spice of life." Shrugging again, he poured the sauce over the salmon steaks and brushed it out as if salmon was supposed to be brown and sticky.

"Did Dad like the sauce?" Gabrielle asked when she heard the door close and looked up from the onions she was chopping to catch a glimpse of her wife before she disappeared. "Grace?"

"Loved it." The warrior shouted as she walked into the dining room, where her mother was setting the table. "Mom. What wine goes with chocolate covered salmon?"

Maggie looked up in astonishment. "Oh, don’t tell me. She didn’t."

"She did." Nodding sadly, Xena sighed. "Red or white?"

Grabbing the closest chair to her, Mom pulled it out and sat down. "It’s either white wine, or a glass of milk and a bottle of antacids." Rubbing her forehead, she looked up at her daughter. "Did he put it on the salmon?"

"You’re married to him. What do you think?" Shrugging helplessly, the warrior turned around and heard a groan as she bent down to begin the search for a bottle of white wine in the bottom of the china cabinet.

"My poor Grace." Mom said softly and shook her head. "I guess I should’ve warned you."

"Don’t worry about it." Pulling out a lone bottle of white wine, Xena closed the cabinet and stood up. "It’s not like this all the time and I’ve learned to smell everything before I eat it."

"And lying helps." Maggie whispered and gave her daughter a knowing smile.

"Oh, yea." Widening her eyes as the oh came out, she smiled back. "And a years supply of pickles every week."

Mom covered her mouth to muffle her laughter.

Chuckling, Xena turned around to go find a cork screw and found an unamused blonde standing behind her with her hands on her hips. "Have I ever told you just how attractive that apron is on you?"

"I want you where I can see you." Gabrielle snapped and shot one hand off her hip to point in the direction of the kitchen. "Move."

"Sorry, Mom. Gotta go." Flashing a winning smile over her shoulder, the warrior hot footed it out of the dining room and barely avoided getting whacked on the arm when she passed the bard.

Closing her eyes, Mom shook her head and bit her lip to keep from getting into trouble herself.

"It’s not my fault I have cravings, so do you mind not spreading just what they are all over town?" The bard growled under her breath when they were out of ear shot.

"It’s just Mom and she understands. She’s been pregnant three times and from what Dad says, you ain’t got nothing on her." Whispering, Xena put the bottle of wine on the counter.

Rolling her eyes, Gabrielle turned her head to look at the warrior sideways. "Really?"

Flicking her eyebrows, the warrior sidled up to the bard and checked to make sure the coast was clear. "Dad says, she used to put guava paste in her meatloaf when she was pregnant with me."

"That’s disgusting." Sticking out her tongue, she shivered at the thought.

"See." Waggling a finger in her wife’s face, Xena nodded. "I told you."

"You’ll tell me if I get that bad, won’t you?" Gabrielle asked and looked up at Xena pitifully.

"I promise. You just stick to your pickles and chocolate syrup and we’ll be fine." Giving pouty lips a kiss to seal the deal, the warrior wrapped her arms around her wife and pulled her in. "Hmmmm. Been dipping into the grape ketchup again?"

"Trust me. It ain’t got nothing on you." Bringing her greatest craving down for another taste, the bard ate it up with a passion.

Done with setting the table, Maggie ventured a peek into the kitchen to see if the coast was clear and was not completely surprised to find the couple making out, instead of getting dinner ready. Rolling her eyes to fake being surprised, just in case they came up for air, she backed up quietly and tip toed her way out onto the deck.

"Almost done." Joseph announced happily and expected to see a plate waiting to take his masterpieces inside. "Has this become a self serve without me knowing about it?"

"You could put it that way." Shaking her head, Mom sighed. "The girls are making out in the kitchen."

"Well tell them to stop. The salmon is ready." Waving his wife off, Dad noticed that she wasn’t going anywhere and put down his fish flipper again. "What?"

"Think about it Joseph. Which would you rather be doing? Eating chocolate covered fish for dinner, or reminding me of the last time we made out in the kitchen?" Serving up a sultry smile for her husband, Mom flicked her eyebrows. "Dump the fish and let’s get out of here before they notice we’re gone."

"Ooooo. I love it when you get sneaky." Dad smiled and picked up his flipper to flip four salmon stakes into the yard. Turning off the grill, he shut off the gas and had his apron untied before his wife got the door opened. "I’ll meet you around front, so I can have the get away car running."

"You’re on." Opening the door slowly, she almost got caught when her butt got grabbed and had to stifle a yelp. "I’ll get you for that."

Chuckling down the stairs, Joseph took off before she had a chance to changer her mind.

Sneaking past the kitchen, Mom scribbled out a note explaining where they were going and left it on the sofa table. Then she silently picked up her purse and made it out the front door without a word from the girls. Making it across the porch in three strides of her long legs, she was down the steps and inside the car before she even looked back. "Idle it out. We don’t want to spook them."

"You sure you wouldn’t rather make out in the back seat?" Glancing over his shoulder, Dad eyed the seat with anticipation.

"Joseph, we’re in a Toyota. My purse barely fits in the back seat." Turning his head back around for him, Maggie pointed out the front windshield. "Drive."

"Fasten your seat belt honey, it’s gonna be a quick trip."



Flat on her back, buck naked, panting like she’d just run a four minute mile and sweating like she’d just run a marathon, Gabrielle opened her eyes as three fingers slipped out from between her legs. "Xena, we’ve got to stop doing this. I’m too fat for sex."

"I like you this way." Xena mumbled as she kissed her way up the bard’s big belly. "There’s more of you to love."

"But I never get to do anything anymore." Lifting her head, she frowned at her wife. "I just lay here like a beached whale and scream my head off, while you do everything." Laying her head back down, because she was too exhausted to keep it up, she did manage to shake it. "That’s not fair to you."

Sensing a serious mood coming on, the warrior slid up the bed so she could smile down at her wife. "Gabrielle, I’m not complaining and you won’t be pregnant forever."

"Still. It’d be nice to be able to love you back, Xena." Poking out her bottom lip, she sighed and brought her hand up to stroke a tan cheek. "I miss that. I miss being able to hold you close to me."

Xena laced her fingers with the one against her cheek and brought it around to her lips, placing a soft kiss on the back of the bard’s hand. Staring down into sad green eyes, she sighed. "I know you do, Gabrielle and I miss it too, but it’ll be over pretty soon. We’ve only got three more months and then we’re gonna get the greatest gift in the whole world placed in our arms to hold together, and you can count ten little toes while I count ten little fingers to make sure they’re all there. And then we’re gonna hand the baby off to Mom and Dad, and go find a closet somewhere to do the wild thang. You know how those hospital gowns turn me on."

The bard chuckled and shook her head.

"Whaaaaat?" The warrior asked with a smile and tucked their hands under her chin. "You don’t like my story?"

Brushing her finger over Xena’s chin, Gabrielle smiled up at a pair of twinkling baby blues that were full of mischief and lit up her world. "Gods, you make me so happy."

"I do?" Lifting her eyebrows, Xena snuggled closer. "Really?"

"Yes, really." She said quietly and saw her wife’s eyes brighten even more. "And I think I’m going to have a very hard time sharing you."

"Oooo. I know that shade of green." Dropping her voice an octave, the warrior saw the bard’s eye getting darker. "What are you thinking, Gabrielle?" She said suspiciously.

Blonde eyebrows did a little dance and the bard slipped her hand from under the warrior’s chin to sneak it under her arm, and down a nice long tan back.

Her suspicion gone, Xena knew exactly where her wife was heading with her hand and shook her head. "I thought you said you were too fat for sex?"

"I’m trying to be spontaneous and creative." She growled when she realized her arm was to short to get her hand between Xena’s legs from where she was. "You wanna work with me here?" Sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth and glaring at the same time, Gabrielle inched her finger tips across the warrior’s butt.

"I was working with you and you said it wasn’t fair." Refusing to play along, the warrior let the bard struggle to get where she was going, though it was a little rough on her tender behind.

"Xena! If you don’t get your hand in my crotch in five seconds, I’m going to knock you into next week!" Straining and frustrated, she tried to pinch the butt she only had her finger tips on and lost that grip completely.

"You mean if I don’t get my crotch in your hand in five seconds, you’re gonna knock me into next week." The warrior corrected with a grin. "With that attitude, you’re not giving me very much incentive."

Giving up on the butt with a gritted teeth growl, Gabrielle took a handful of sheet in that particular hand and used the leverage to roll over with amazing speed, and was up on all fours, hovering over the warrior princess before she knew she’d been pinned. "Ha! Now I’ve gotcha." Chuckling evilly, she looked down at the warrior with a feral smile.

"Yeow. What the hell have they been putting in your prenatal vitamins?" Xena yelped from the same position the bard had been in a few seconds earlier, which she found not entirely to her disliking.

Breaking out of the evil pouncing bard mode for a second, she ducked her head and looked down at her stomach, which was pressing into her wife’s. "Am I squashing you?"

The warrior took a couple of breaths to make sure she could and shrugged. "No, I’m good. How about you?"

"Hmmm?" Lifting her head, Gabrielle swayed around some to check her mobility. "Put your knee up."

Trying to do just that, she shook her head. "Can’t. You’ve got my legs squished together."

"Oh. Wait a second." Concentrating on a part of her body she’d hadn’t seen for awhile, the bard felt around with her legs and moved until she had only one of Xena’s legs between her’s. "Okay."

Obliging, the warrior bent her leg until her thigh came in contact with her wife’s center. "How’s that?"

Gabrielle made a face and tested the arrangement by wiggling her butt and doing some pre-sex sliding. "A little higher . . . oh, that’s good. Right there." With a happy smile, she did another test and nodded. "I’m good."

"Can you reach?" Xena asked and raised her head, looked down what little part of her body she could see.

Seeing the warrior lift her head, she ducked her’s to find out what she was supposed to be reaching for. "Reach what?"

"My crotch." She said a little puzzled at her wife’s lapse of memory.

"OH! Sorry." The bard winced apologetically. "Hold on. Let me check."

Laying her head back, the warrior watched the face above her go through another set of contortions while she waited to feel something. "You can’t reach, can you?"

"Hold on!" Gabrielle grumbled and closed her eyes as she tried to find a way around her stomach without having to put her full weight down on it. "Move you leg to the side a little."

"Which one?" She asked and wiggled the bent one.

"Yea. Move it out." Nodding, she still had her eyes closed as she scooted out with the thigh between her legs. "Hold it. I think I got it."

"That’s it!" Almost coming off the bed when her wife finally found her crotch and slipped two fingers inside without warning, Xena had to consciously hold still, or risk tipping the bard over and ruin the last five minutes of carefully constructed spontaneous creativity.

Feeling the warrior tense up, Gabrielle became concerned and pulled out. "Did I hurt you?"

"No. No." Shaking her head, the warrior took a deep breath to relax a smidgen. "A little warning would’ve been nice, but you didn’t hurt me." Relaxing some more, she smiled. "I guess it’s been awhile."

The bard smiled back and eased her fingers between her wife’s folds. "Wanna see if I’ve lost my touch?"

"How long you think you can stay up there like that?" Xena asked back and closed her eyes.

"Ooooo. Have I awakened your little monster?" Finding the nub, Gabrielle began to massage it and watched Xena’s face change expressions.

"Oh yea." She said breathlessly.

As the bard continued to refresh her fingers’ memories to the low moans of her wife, she also began to glide her center over the warrior’s thigh in a slow rhythmic grinding motion. "This is good."

"This is very good." The warrior agreed as she started to pick up the bard’s tempo by rolling her hips, not lifting them much, but just enough to be an active participant.

Getting the unspoken signal, when Xena started rolling her hips, Gabrielle shifted her shoulders and slid two fingers inside the warrior’s core very gently, then eased them back out again in time with the pace she’d set. Hearing a guttural groan, she looked down at the smile on her wife’s face and chuckled. "Oh, yea. It’s all coming back to me now."

"You were always a quick study." Working a smirk in with her smile, Xena opened her eyes and stuck out her tongue, licking her lips invitingly. "Wanna try these on for size, teach?"

Making an attempt at claiming the full moist lips, the bard backed off when she figured out that doing so would require rolling forward and end the warming trend between her legs. "Damn."

Feeling the problem more than seeing it, because as soon as Gabrielle rolled forward she’d felt something pop in her lower back, the warrior showed a wisp of creativity herself by bringing the mountain to Mohammed. Raising up on her elbows, she kept going up until her arms were fully extended and her body curved around the bard’s stomach. Only a breath away from a pair of waiting goodies, Xena got them delivered with just the tiniest hint of grape ketchup and a double helping of intensity.

Like throwing gasoline on a camp fire when their lips met, the slow building heat in her core became an instantaneous bonfire, with flames licking their way up Gabrielle’s body, while her tongue danced inside the kiss. Her breathing became ragged, coming in harsh gasps and her hips ceased their easy grind to become quick sharp jerks as her hand pushed her fingers deep in hard thrusts.

Fighting the urge to arch her back and break away, Xena held her position, and the kiss as her body shook with the bucking of her hips. Struggling for every breath, her nostrils flared in and out with the heightening tempo being pounded into her core, and finally got to fill her lungs with much needed oxygen as the edge came crashing towards her. Squeezing her eyes shut, she arched into her wife and laid her head back. "Gods!"

A grimace on her face, the bard groaned, not in ecstasy, but in agony as pain shot up from one of her legs. "Xena! I can’t . . . "

"Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Almost there!" Digging her fingers into the mattress, she bounced cries of pleasure off the walls. "Yes, Gabrielle. Yes!"

"No, no, no." Gabrielle shook her head as the cramp in her calf overrode the need for satisfaction and all motion came to a screeching halt. "Leg, Xena!"

Left hanging with the climax in sight, Xena pushed her thigh harder into the bard, thinking that was what was going to get her going again.

"Not your leg. Mine! Mine!" Lurching forward, she drove the top of her head into the warrior’s shoulder and growled in anguish. "Owowowowowow!"

"What?" Being driven downward, the warrior opened her eyes in confusion and was suddenly bearing the weight of both of them combined. "Gabrielle, what’s wrong?"

"Cramp! I’ve got a cramp!" She shouted as she fell down to her elbows. "Gods! Xena!"

"Lay down. I’ll get it." Xena shouted back and wrapped her arms around Gabrielle’s shoulders, so she could ease her down on her side. As the bard withered beside her, she scooted to the end of the bed and gave each leg a quick glance. "Which one?"

Pointing frantically, the bard slapped the leg in question, then started to curl into a ball. "Xena, it hurts!"

"I got it. Breathe, Gabrielle. Take deep breaths." Once she knew which leg to go for, the warrior went into action and grabbed her wife’s leg, wrapping her hands around the calf, so she could drive her thumbs into the tight muscle.

"OWWWWAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!" In worse pain than she was before, Gabrielle tried to jerk her leg away from the warrior. "Stopstopstopstopstop!"

"Gabrielle, it’s the only way. Be still!" Trying to keep control, Xena jumped to the other side of the bed to steer wrestle the wild appendage, continue the massage and ignore the vicious pummeling her back, shoulders and head were taking.

Passing along her misery by trying to beat Xena off her leg, the bard went through stages of sheer pain, intense agony and wanting to half orphan her unborn child, and related all this information to her wife, by groaning, shouting, and calling her wife every name in a sailor’s handbook before she finally collapsed in a heaving mass when the cramp subsided. "Ow."

Battered, bruised and thankful it was over, the warrior breathed a heavy sigh of relief and slowly made her way back onto the bed to lay wasted behind Gabrielle’s back. "You know, I think we should’ve read the fine print on this little bundle of joy T sent us before we signed for it."

Gabrielle found no humor in the situation and decided to list all the reasons she felt she deserved a really good pity party. "I’m fat. I can’t make love without cramping. I have to pee every ten minutes. I stick grape jelly in ketchup. I can’t see my feet to tie my shoes. I buy my clothes from a guy named Omar. I’m going to have to put blocks on the soles of my shoes so I can reach the pedals in my truck because I’m fat . . ."

Xena rolled her eyes, then rolled onto her side and grabbed the covers. Pulling the blanket up to cover both their bodies, she felt around for a pillow and tucked it under her head. Lifting Gabrielle’s head, she placed it on the pillow as well, then scooted closer, forming her long body to fit the one in front of her and wrapped her arm around the bard’s middle. All of this was done with the apparent ignorance of her wife and she began kissing the soft skin of Gabrielle’s neck to get her attention. "You’re beautiful and I love you. You are the most wonderful woman in the world and if I have to go without making love to you for another thousand years, the only thing I’ll need to keep me happy is to see your beautiful smile. You are my life, my love and my world, Gabrielle."

Miffed at being interrupted, the bard turned her head to send a sideways glare back at the warrior. "I haven’t gotten to where they tie ropes to me and fly me over the Super Bowl yet."

"Oh, sorry. Go on." Seeing the error of her ways, she smiled and lowered her head to snuggle into blonde jasmine scented hair. Pulling the bard a little closer, the warrior fell asleep somewhere between the sixth ‘I’m fat’ and ‘my boobs hurt.’

When she felt Xena’s arm relax around her, Gabrielle realized she’d lost her audience and didn’t see any real point in continuing, so she pulled the covers up a little more, and went to sleep disgruntled, but well vented.


A coolness tingled over tan skin and Xena opened her eyes with her hand halfway through a search for her heater. "Gabrielle?" Lifting up, she looked around with blurred vision, then squinted when her baby blues met the too bright light streaming in from the bathroom. One sense taken out of commission, another one perked up and her ears quickly identified the sound of trickling. Bard located , the warrior laid back down, covering her eyes with a hand. "Gabrielle, you’re not drinking enough water. That’s why you cramped up."

"I have been drinking water, Xena." Gabrielle corrected with some irritation. "That’s why I’m peeing."

"Gods, I hope this baby isn’t this much trouble after it gets here." Mumbling to herself, the warrior heard the trickle trickle off and sighed.

Grumbling to herself, the bard finished up her business and waddled out of the bathroom to the sound of swirling gurgling water. Flipping off the light as she passed, her feet shuffled across the floor, following a well worn path back to the bed. Raising one knee to the edge of the mattress, she turned her body and fell backwards to claim her side in a tried and true method that was much simpler, yet a lot bouncier than the laborious crawling one. Lying flat on her back, but without all the heavy breathing and sweating from before, Gabrielle stared up a nothing and huffed. "I’m hungry. Did the note say what they did with the fish?"

"No. The warrior managed to get out in between bounces and once it stopped she went on to make an observation. "And if it’s been sitting outside all this time, it went bad hours ago."

"Do we have any leftovers?" She asked over the sound of her tummy monster waking up.

"No." Xena said quietly and left out the part about not having any since before the end of the first trimester. "Wadda ya want? I’ll go get it."

Placing a hand on her stomach, Gabrielle rubbed it as someone would a crystal ball trying to call forth some unforetold fate, or in this case, identify a craving. "What’s open?"

Though she was willing to drag her butt out of bed to fulfill her wife’s every eating whim, the warrior felt no such desire to roll over and look at the clock. "What time is it?"

Huffing again, the bard brought both arms up so she could put her watch close to her face and push the button to light up the display. "3:07 am."

Slowly, a list of late night establishments was given a mental run through and scratched off accordingly, because all but two closed at two o’clock. Both of the remaining choices were open 24 hours a day, while one was well equipped to handle all Gabrielle’s cravings, the other was equipped with a Slurpee machine, and Twinkies. "Our kitchen and the convenience store."

"Steak and eggs, medium well, over easy, hash browns, wheat toast with lots of butter and chocolate milk." Gabrielle said without hesitation, or consideration of how the order was going to be filled.

Somewhat surprised by the normalcy of the order, Xena nonetheless made a quick determination that the likelihood of the convenience store clerk’s willingness to run home and cook up the order for her wife would most certainly fall into the realm of nonexistent. She also determined that Gabrielle’s willingness to fill her own order was probably a step behind the clerk and this meant the responsibility fell directly into her not completely incapable hands. So, with the order still fresh in her mind and her mission set, the warrior mustered the energy to crawl out of bed, and don her battle gear, which looked remarkably like a robe. Then she shuffled off to acquire the necessary weaponry to wage war in enemy territory, also known as locating the pots and pans in the kitchen.

Finding her way in the dark, the warrior made it to the battle zone without a scratch, or a stubbed toe and turned on the lights to begin the assault, while her mind got an excellent wake up call from the cold ceramic tile beneath her bare feet as she walked through the kitchen on the way to the garage. The garage light went on as well and the chilly sensation from her feet was joined by frostbite in her fingers when she started rummaging through the freezer in search of a steak. "Ice cream. Ice cream. Popcicles. Ice cream . . ." Setting the items she wasn’t looking for aside, she called them off just in case her brain got frozen while it was inside the freezer. ". . . Pork chops. Mixed veggies. Mixed veggies. Pizza. Pizza. Boneless chicken breast. Chicken. Chicken. More Chicken. Bacon. Waffles. Popcicles. Pop Tarts?" Scraping the frost of a box off frosted strawberry Pop Tarts, she stared at it for a moment, then shook her head and tossed it aside to continue the search. After a few more minutes of looking, she hit pay dirt, or the beef section and only had to dig through several layers of assorted beef products before she finally emerged triumphantly with a rock hard piece of meat in her frozen grasp. "Steak."

Leaving the freezer and the garage behind, Xena traipsed back into the kitchen to deposit the steak in one side of the sink with a loud kachunk and turned the faucet to the other side, turning on the hot water tap. While she waited for the water to get warm to the touch, she began turning the order into an organized plan of attack so all the items would be prepared and cooked in the proper sequence, thereby eliminating the possibility of anything ending up getting done too soon, and getting cold. Once the water started to make her fingers tingle, she left it running and retrieved a bowl large enough to hold the steak, placing it under the flow until it was full. Then the steak went in the bowl upside down for thawing, the water got turned off and the warrior went to work putting her well formed plan of attack into action, and started wondering if hashed was the same thing as mashed when it came to potatoes.

After Xena left, Gabrielle moved into the warm spot she’d left behind and curled up under the covers on her side to happily drift in and out of sleep with the warrior’s scent to give her comfort in lieu of the warrior herself. As she lay there, the one ear that wasn’t pressed into Xena’s pillow twitched with the noises floating through the darkness and slowly broke through her shifting consciousness to stir up the notion that her wife hadn’t gone out to fill the order, as was the usual case. This realization led to another, which led to another and another, and by the time the bard sat up in bed with eyes wide open, she’d put the pieces of the puzzle together, coming up with a fearful vision of Xena in the kitchen alone. Or rather, Xena in her kitchen alone with her pots, her pans, and her appliances. "Gods. What was I thinking?" She whispered in unabashed amazement at her lapse of memory stemming from the last time the warrior had been alone in the kitchen for a long period of time with cooking on her mind and they ended up having to tile the kitchen floor because the rented industrial sander had eaten down to the concrete foundation before it’d been able to remove the spaghetti stains from the hardwood floor.

With the memory of that event now fresh in her mind, the bard lunged for the edge of the bed, her robe and some remote hope that she wasn’t to late to keep history from repeating itself, her tummy monster be damned. Shrugging on the thick terry robe as she raced to the stairs, she went down the steps in such a hurry that she nearly ended up in the dining room before she started the turn around the couch. Arms flying to maintain her precarious balance, she grabbed the corner of the wall to slow the forward momentum and spun around. Retracing her missed steps, she pushed off the wall, went around the corner, skided her way to the brightly lit opening that marked her final destination and wished she hadn’t worn socks to bed.

Humming to herself, Xena looked up from what she was doing at the first sound of heavy footfalls and had her eyebrow arched by the time all the scurrying noises started, and was at the opening to the kitchen with a worried expression on her face when a short blonde pregnant woman came sliding by her doing a fair imitation of Tom Cruise in Risky Business, which would’ve been a good imitation if she hadn’t continued past the opening to slam into the wall. "Gabrielle, what are you doing?" The warrior asked, no longer worried about her wife’s physical condition, because she seemed spry enough, but was questioning her mental condition at this point.

Eyes still wide open, Gabrielle did a visual check of the kitchen while she played off her actions with a nervous chuckle and rolled her shoulder to see if she’d dislocated it on impact. "I came down to see if you wanted some help."

"Really?" Xena asked, knowing better than to believe the falsehood set before her because her wife’s fearful gaze was aimed behind her, instead of on her and she brought the egg turner up to tap her chin in contemplation. "You sure you’re not down here to make sure I wasn’t burning down your beloved kitchen, oh ye of little faith, Faith?"

Caught dead to rights, the bard smiled weakly and sighed. "It smells good." She said softly and honestly, because it really did.

"Hmmmm?" Narrowing her eyes, the warrior had to admit the bard appeared to be telling the truth, because her toes weren’t wiggling inside her socks, which was a sure sign of lying. So, rather than send her back upstairs as she’d originally intended, she returned the smile with more conviction. "Thanks. Wanna get a plate? It’s almost ready."

Thinking forgiveness was a wonderful thing, she nodded happily. "Okay."

Xena allowed her wife to pass into the conquered battle zone and went back to the eggs, which were on the verge of becoming over medium and flipped them quickly to prevent a disaster. "Toast should be popping up in a second."

Gabrielle got her plate and caught the toast as it sprang out of the slots, then worked beside her wife to finish up the cooking, and began looking around in confusion when everything was on her plate but the steak. "Xena, where’s the steak?"

Smiling secretively, the warrior took the plate from Gabrielle and held up the other hand to issue a silent stay command, then left the kitchen to go outside.

Staying not being her strong suit, the bard tilted her head as she followed Xena outside, then her head popped up when her nose caught a whiff of a heavenly aroma. "You grilled it!"

"Yep." Lifting the lid on the grill, Xena stepped aside so the bard could get a good look at her masterpiece. "Steak with sauteed onions, peppers and mushrooms for your dining pleasure." She said with pride and a few rolls of the hand.

If her mouth hadn’t been hanging wide open already, it was definitely threatening to fall off the hinges when the lid went up. "Oh my god." Whispering breathlessly, she grabbed the warrior’s arm to steady herself as her body experienced a small tremor. "I think I’m having an orgasm."

Taking this as a positive reaction, the warrior took a short bow to show appreciation for the appreciation and chuckled as she moved the masterpiece onto the plate, and handed it to her wife with another short bow. "Now, go feed the tummy monster before the eggs get cold and don’t let me catch you putting grape ketchup on that."

"Nononono. Noooooo grape ketchup." Shaking her head and smacking her lips, Gabrielle trotted back inside to find the closest place she could put the plate down and start eating.

Xena laughed at her wife’s bubbling delight and peppy steps, and watched the blonde head swing from side to side as she tried to decide between the dinning room or the coffee table. After a second or two, the coffee table won out because it was apparently closer, and the warrior laughed again as her wife whipped around the couch to plop down on the floor with the ease of someone who wasn’t six months pregnant, then pop back up when she realized she didn’t have any utensils. Giving her head another shake, Xena turned away from the show to shut off the grill and close it up so she could go back inside for a ring side seat.

Knife and fork in either hand, the bard flew out of the kitchen driven by her needy taste buds and twitching nose, and was back at the coffee table, chewing a mouthful of steak. "Gods, this is delicious." She said while chewing and stared at the plate trying to decide what should go in next. "Eggs. Yum yum yum." Going after the next victim, she attacked them as she had the steak and made little moaning noises while she savored the incredible flavors in her mouth.

Once the grill was safely secured, the warrior came back inside and delivered a large glass of chocolate milk to the moaning monster. "Wash it down before you choke."

When the glass appeared, Gabrielle did as she was instructed and took several large gulps to wash down her food. Then she smiled up at the chef with a chocolate milk mustache. "Want some?"

Flabbergasted by the offer to share, Xena was already half way to the floor beside her wife when it arrived and completed the journey with a stunned look, and a thud. "What?"

Still smiling, the bard chuckled and cut off a piece of steak to place in Xena’s gawking maw. "Chew." She said and cut a piece for herself, so they could chew together.

Her mouth did as it was told, though her brain was nowhere to be found and a smile crept onto the warrior’s lips to mimic the one she was staring at with baseball sized eyes. When it came time to swallow, she did so without need for her still absent mental functions, because they were off in la la land trying to figure out what had happened to the woman who would normally growl if anybody got close to her food, and even tempted the fates by opening her mouth for more. Another piece of steak got cut off with a chuckle and shoved in the warrior’s mouth, so she chewed that while her taste buds tried to give her little gray cells CPR.

"Good stuff." Almost giggling, Gabrielle went after the hash browns next and she gave her wife a bit of those as well. "You need to cook more often, Xena. This is great."

Xena was so close to getting her brain back in gear when the bard nailed her again, that the second shock not only sent her mind reeling, but her body as well and she started a slow sideways descent to the floor.

"Xena." She said with a short exasperated sigh and grabbed the warrior as she went over. Pulling her back up, the bard rolled her eyes and tapped her wife’s cheeks lightly to get the woman to blink. When she did, Gabrielle smiled and shook her head. "Why is it you can take on a screaming horde of cut throats without any problem, but you can’t take a compliment without passing out?"

"Cook." Muttering the problematical word softly, the warrior stared at the blonde and remembered to blink. "I don’t cook. You cook. I grill. You cook. Me outside. You inside." She said in a very ‘Me Tarzan You Jane’ sort of way.

Gabrielle could see her wife’s obvious distress at the thought of rocking the boat or even the slightest insinuation that their roles be reversed when it came to the cooking, which hadn’t changed in two thousand years. So, instead of pursuing the matter and causing Xena anymore mental stress, she just smiled at her again because she, herself wanted to get back to enjoying the rare treat that was getting cold. "Okay, Xena. I’ll cook. You grill and here," going for a forkful of golden brown potatoes, she held it up in front of the warrior’s mouth, "have some more hash browns."

Opening her mouth, Xena took the potatoes in and chewed happily in her unrocking boat, and got a kiss to make them taste even better. "Mmmmm."

And so, Gabrielle continued to enjoy the meal Xena had prepared and shared it with her wife in the quiet of their living room, sitting on the floor. Not too many words were exchanged between them as they ate, though as the surface of the plate became more visible, they were exchanging kisses more frequently, minus the flavor of grape ketchup which had been dominating the taste bud scene as of late. Then they spent some more quality time together cleaning the kitchen, which didn’t infringe on the warrior’s ‘me outside, you inside’ rule because she’d always helped clean up and therefore didn’t feel threatened in any way, but she did get her ass felt up a few times when she bent over to load the dishwasher. Then, with the kitchen its usual spotless self, the girls settled onto the couch to snuggle up in front of the fire that Xena built while Gabrielle was wiping down her appliances and they spent the rest of the predawn hours enjoying the quiet before the noisy people arrived to ruin it all.

Xena sat lengthwise on the couch, holding her wife in her arms with the bard curled up in front of her, the blonde head on her shoulder, snuggled against her neck. Staring into the flames, she stroked the golden fire-lit hair, gently running her fingers through it and listening to Gabrielle’s breathing becoming more and more shallow. Smiling to herself, the warrior placed a soft kiss on the bard’s forehead. "Are you going to sleep on me?"

"Um hmm." Her eyes closed, Gabrielle smiled and nodded against the nice warm pillow she’d given up when her stomach had gotten too big for her to snuggle up when they were lying down. The warmth from Xena’s body, along with that of the fire, and a happy tummy monster had put her into a state of total relaxation, which is why she was having such a hard time staying awake. It was just too good an opportunity to pass up and she had every intention of staying put until a team of wild horses showed up, and then they’d get the fight of their lives.

"You like this, huh?" She asked quietly and felt another nod against her neck, which made her smile a tad more. "Would this be a bad time to remind you that you’ve only got till Tuesday to finish making up the final exams?" Yet another nod came her way, along with a soft groan and she chuckled. "Would you rather have me remind you that you’ve only got three weeks until you don’t have to go to school anymore?"

"I’d rather have you tell me that you’ve changed your mind and you’re going to stay home with me, instead of waiting to go part time until after the baby’s born." The bard said with a smile and leaned her head back to tempt her wife with some soft kisses on a warm neck. "Wouldn’t you rather stay home and play doctor with me?"

The warrior let loose a deep throaty chuckle and shook her head. "Gabrielle that’s not going to work and we’ve been through this. You know I’m gonna need all the time I can get to get Jim ready to take over, so the transition will be smooth. I worked too hard to make that team what it is and you said yourself that it wouldn’t be fair to just leave them hanging. Ow."

Grumbling at having her own words thrown back in her face, Gabrielle took a nip out of the warrior’s neck in aggravation, then rubbed the spot with her forehead as she snuggled up against it in defeat. "This is gonna suck."

The smile came back to Xena’s face once the wince went away and she cradled Gabrielle’s head against her. "I know and I’m sorry. Just try to think about all the stuff you can do with the whole house to yourself. You’ll be able to work on your scrolls and read, when it’s not too busy on the console, and you won’t have to get dressed if you don’t want to."

"Hmmm." Still a bit dissatisfied, the bard imagined herself spending all day alone in the house and all the things she could do with her time, then leaned her head back to look up at the warrior with a pouty face. "You’ll come home as soon as the shift is over, right? You won’t be dilly dallying around?"

Tilting her head to get a good look at the pouty face, the warrior smiled warmly and shook her head. "No, Gabrielle. I won’t be dilly dallying around." She whispered and gave the pout a kiss. "As soon as the shift is over, I’ll be home lickity split. I promise."

"Okay." Nodding once, Gabrielle brought a hand up and wrapped her fingers around the back of Xena’s neck so she could remind her wife just what she was going to be coming home to.

Xena really didn’t need any reminding, but as she became enveloped in a breath stealing kiss, she didn’t feel the need to relay that particular tidbit to the bard and let Gabrielle do all the reminding she wanted, for as long as she wanted, which could be until hell froze over as far as she was concerned. However, as all good things must come to an end, so did the kiss and the warrior let it go without a fight, or a protest, or even a pout because when her wife snuggled against her to fall asleep in her arms, she knew there were a lot more important things to life than being just a pillow, but for the life of her, she couldn’t think of a single one.


Xena stood completely still in the bedroom, half dressed for work, staring at the phone in her hand. "Mom!" She said finally and put the receiver back to her ear. "What are you trying to do? Give me nightmares?"

Pulling on a pair of maternity pants, Gabrielle turned to stare at her wife. "What’s she saying?"

Disgusted, the warrior heard wicked chuckling in the background and closed her eyes. Putting her hand over the mouth piece, she sighed. "Mom’s telling me why they left yesterday."

Frowning the warrior glanced at the note on the bed. "They left a note."

"Yes, well apparently there was more to the story." She shook her head, removing her hand to growl at her mother. "Would you please tell Daddy to stop laughing. I’m already scarred for life as it is. I don’t need his innuendo to send me to the funny farm."

Her curiosity piqued, Gabrielle walked over to the bed. Reading the note again, she looked at her wife. "Why did they leave?"

Hand over the mouth piece again, Xena rolled her eyes, then opened them. "To go get naked in the jacuzzi. I guess we inspired them yesterday." She said sarcastically.

Eyes abnormally wide, the bard slapped her hand over her mouth.

"My sentiments exactly." The warrior scowled and address her mother again. "Mom, are you done now? I do have a job to get to, ya know. Somebody in this family needs to show some character and you can tell Dad I said so."

Lowering her hand, Gabrielle smiled. "He’s playing hooky today, isn’t he?"

"They’re calling from bed. What do you think?" Tapping her foot in frustration, she hung up the phone when both her parents started laughing. "Thanks for the visualization. I may never have sex again."

The bard started chuckling. "I’m so sorry, Xena. It must come as a shock to know your parents still find each other attractive, but I think it’s kind of sweet."

"Sweet? How do you think you got here, missy? The stork?" Transferring the visual image to her wife, the warrior went about finishing getting dressed. "Our baby may have gotten a little help getting here, but you came from pure bump and grind, and the last time I checked, your parents weren’t dead either. If you get my drift."

"Oh, gods! Stop." Waving her hand, Gabrielle squeezed her eyes shut. "Don’t do that."

"Yea, I can see it now. Old Sean and Joyce going at it. Rattling the rafters and banging the headboard." Chuckling to herself, Xena started getting slapped on the back and laughed as she dodged a couple of blind blows. "What’s the matter, Gabrielle? Can’t stand the sweat?"

Opening her eyes, because all she was hitting was air, the bard chased her wife around the bed. "Stop it. I don’t want to go there."

"No? Well, how about here?" Grabbing the bard around the shoulders, the warrior wrestled her down onto the bed and began kissing her neck.

Not so averse to her situation, Gabrielle held up a hand, pushing her wife away. "Xena! Xena! Stop."

"What? Another cramp?" Lifting her head, Xena looked for some kind of sign.

"No." Shaking her head, the bard took Xena’s hand in her’s and put it on her stomach where there was another kind of action going on. "Feel that?"

A smile crept onto the warrior’s lips as her hand was thumped with a strong kick from their baby. "Oooo, that was a good one." She whispered and stared down into sparkling green eyes. "It won’t be long now. We’re almost there, huh?"

"Almost there." Gabrielle nodded with a smile of pure contentment. "Do you think this baby will be as disgusted by how it got here as we are?"

"I don’t know, but I plan on taking lots of blackmail pictures." Flicking her eyebrows, Xena lowered her head to put a soft kiss on Gabrielle’s waiting lips.


The End.

Epilogue: And so the countdown begins and by the way, the salmon steaks were discovered by the construction crew in a very smelly way.

Thanks for reading.


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