Disclaimer: The characters of Xena and Gabrielle and others resembling those from the
TV show, belong to Studio USA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement on their rights is
intended. All other characters are of my own creation and belong to me.
Subtext Disclaimer: This story refers to a loving relationship between two consenting
adults, who happen to be of the same sex. If this offends you, or you are under 18 years
of age, or you reside in an area where this type of material is illegal, read no more.
There is plenty of general fanfic out there for you. Go find it.
Timeline: This is a sequel to Hot Bath and a Bed and takes place a week after Xena walked
into the sunset in the episode Forgiven.
Ann, thanks for all the help.
Please send any comments to asdease1@gte.net
Enjoy, I hope.
SOUL SALVATION
Written by FlyBigD
The sound of stone on metal and quill on parchment mingled with the noises of night coming
alive, and the soft crackling of flames. It was a simple scene that had become habit over
the years and this quiet time was often spent without the exchange of words while each
woman went through the motions of turning the events of their day into a memory in their
own way. Gabrielle sitting on one side of the small campfire chewing on the end of her
quill, staring at what she’d written and Xena making sure her gear was ready for
whatever tomorrow would bring. A brief moment of peace and reflection for two friends
whose days were spent in the endless fight for the greater good, and a precursor for
giving their bodies the rest it needed to fight another day, or that was the plan anyway.
However, as plans tend to do, this one had been modified fairly recently and instead of
the women putting their things away to stretch out on their individual bedrolls, when it
came time to sleep, they put their things away to share a single bedroll with sleep being
the last thing on their mind. But this too had been changed even more recently and though
they were still sharing just the one bed, there was very little action going on between
the covers, which is why Gabrielle was only pretending to write in her scroll.
Watching the warrior over the tops of the flames, the bard pulled the quill out of her
mouth and put nib to parchment for the benefit of her partner when Xena looked up from her
sharpening. Jotting down a few more words, she went back to chewing once the warrior
looked away and shook her head in frustration as her mind reviewed the past several weeks.
Ever since they’d picked up Tara on their way to getting back the Urn of Apollo for
the priests, they’d stopped sharing their bed together and the intimacy that went
along with it, which wasn’t that strange because they’d only just made that
change a few weeks before, and neither of them felt the need to let the girl in that part
of their relationship. So, it’d been back to two bed rolls for the duration of the
mission, with hopes that it would be a short one and as it turned out, it had been, but
once they’d returned the urn to it’s rightful owners, leaving Tara behind as
well, something had changed between them. Instead of getting right back into bed together
to explore each other’s bodies with renewed passion, they’d gotten back into bed
together and gone to sleep. At first, Xena played off her lack of interest with a remark
about being overly tired and the bard had bought it, because she was tired also, but then
the following day, that little bit of distance stuck around for the day shift. Then it
stuck around for the following night and the second day, and that’s when Gabrielle
started getting suspicious, because what she’d learned before Tara showed up was when
it came to making love, Xena’s passion knew very little bounds. The nights
they’d shared and some days, for that matter, before they’d taken the mission
were spent setting records for clothes removal, and how long either one could go without
breathing, but since they’d completed the mission, the only record they were setting
was how long somebody could go without sex before they spontaneously combusted. And
although Gabrielle was fairly new to the passionate experience, she seemed to be the only
one who was noticing its absence, and the absence of something else that meant more than
the sex did. Not only was Xena distant in bed, she seemed to be reverting to the role of
stoic warrior, withholding her emotions from everyone, including the bard and that was
something Gabrielle couldn’t abide. If they were nothing else, they were still best
friends and if Xena didn’t want to share her body anymore, the bard could live with
that, but she couldn’t live without being a part of the warrior’s life, and
that’s what she’d felt like for the past week. It felt like she was living
outside Xena’s world and the love they shared through their friendship was slipping
away. For reasons she hadn’t figured out yet, she’d been relegated to sidekick
again and for all the efforts she’d made to get back inside, Gabrielle still found
herself on the wrong side of the warrior’s mask, but since staying there wasn’t
an acceptable option, it was only a matter of finding out what went wrong, and fixing it.
Unfortunately, with Xena closing herself off, finding the reason wasn’t that easy,
but Gabrielle had no intention of giving up and used her time to the utmost, and if all
else failed, Xena would eventually get tired of being stared at, and either break down
herself, or ask what was going on. Yes, time was on her side and all she had to do was
play it cool by waiting, or do something stupid like get up to go over, and smother Xena
in a kiss until she confessed.
No, that would be bad. Gabrielle thought to herself and put the thought out of her
mind, or at least shoved it to the back where all her other thoughts of a passionate
nature were living these days. Stay focused, continuing the shoving process, and
don’t forget what’s most important. You’ll never get anywhere coming off
like a banshee in heat. Been there, done that, didn’t work. The problem isn’t
physical, it’s emotional, remember that. Emotional. Focus on our friendship. Got it.
Now, where was I? Oh, yea. Xena. Gods, she looks like she’s a million leagues away.
On the other side of the fire, the object of Gabrielle’s focus was lost in her
own thoughts, but not so far gone as to be completely unaware that she was under scrutiny.
Though she’d learned a lot from her over the years, the bard was still no match for
Xena’s well honed instincts and as covert as the scrutiny was supposed to be, the
warrior had no problem knowing when she was being watched. Each time she had green eyes on
her, her skin tingled and everytime she glanced to meet those eyes, they suddenly found
something else to look at. It was a visual game of cat and mouse that had been going on
for a week now, and though Xena wanted the game to end with all her heart, she found
herself unable to put aside the thoughts that were keeping her out of reach emotionally,
despite what she knew the distance was doing to Gabrielle.
Their friendship was something she cherished as much as her partner did, but even with
that, she couldn’t bring herself to let Gabrielle see the turmoil going on inside her
soul. In there, all the demons she’d succeeded in pushing to the rear had come back
to haunt her when she’d watched Gabrielle and Tara kneel on the altar to be forgiven
by the priest. At that moment, all the good she’d ever done vanished into the
nameless faces of the people she’d slaughtered as a blood thirsty warlord and
she’d turned away from being forgiven by others because she couldn’t forgive
herself. For her, no amount of holy water could wash away her sins. They lived on in her
memory, in her nightmares and in her soul, casting a cold shadow over the only source of
warmth and light she had in her life. Gabrielle.
As if the past three years never existed, Xena found herself treating her best friend like
the child she knew she wasn’t and regretting every minute of it. Yet, everytime she
thought about opening the door to her heart, the shadow would creep up from nowhere and
close it, stealing the words she wanted to say, needed to say and leaving the warrior in
even more torture than her past could evoke. Because the one thing she never wanted to do
again was to hurt Gabrielle and she knew by shutting her out, she was committing the
greatest crime against their friendship. The closeness they’d shared in both body and
soul had been lost over night, and the confusion left in it’s wake shown everytime
she caught more than a brief glimpse of the emeralds she wanted nothing more than to drown
in forever, but until Xena could come to terms with the pain in her own eyes, she kept
them like she kept her heart, hidden in the shadows of a past she couldn’t forgive
herself for.
Looking down at a sword that had been razor sharp before she’d put stone to metal,
Xena finally stopped trying to hide behind the monotonous waste of effort and put the
blade aside to shift her stare into the fire, so her mind could go down the twisting,
turning path of dark memories unhindered. As she watched the dancing glow without seeing
the flames, her skin began to tingle again and even though she knew looking up would be as
much a waste as sharpening her sword had been, her reflexes sent her eyes in search of the
source of the sensation, across the fire to meet Gabrielle’s gaze for however long it
lasted.
In the middle of mentally chanting ‘all good things come to those who wait’ over
and over again, which had become her pre-bedtime mantra the past week, Gabrielle had
expected Xena to follow suit, by doing what she normally did, but instead of having free
reign to stare mercilessly at her companion while the warrior stared at the fire, the bard
was caught in the act, and caught off guard when a pair of crystal sapphires suddenly took
her prisoner. Snared by a single glance, she stared back, lacking both the will and the
desire to look away, because the instant their eyes met, Gabrielle saw what had been
hidden behind the stoic mask. The pain she’d suspected was to blame for Xena’s
change in attitude was reflected in a pair of sad, tired blue eyes that the fire
couldn’t disguise and seeing it there broke her heart.
Xena recognized her mistake in the sadness she saw building in the bard’s eyes and
she quickly shut her own before she revealed too much, then lowered her head as a sigh
escaped her lips, and a thousand condemnations began whirling in her brain.
Not for the first time in their relationship, the bard did something she knew Xena
wasn’t going to like before she ever moved a muscle, but chose to follow her heart
rather than remember all the arguments she’d had with herself over why patience was a
better idea than confrontation. So, instead of sitting still while her friend sat in pain,
she rose to her feet, laying scroll and quill on the ground and walked the short distance
to where the warrior was. Taking her place beside her partner, Gabrielle stayed quiet for
a moment to make sure Xena wasn’t going to bolt, then she simply wrapped her arm
around a strong shoulder and tugged gently. Feeling no resistance, she continued to pull
the warrior towards her, until Xena lay cradled in her arms, where she held her close and
needed no words to convey the love coursing through her soul.
**********
After the fire had died to embers, the bard was still at a loss to know the exact reason
why Xena had shut her out, because in the interim neither had spoken a word, but as she
continued to hold the warrior in her arms after she’d fallen asleep, Gabrielle
realized that knowing the reason was far less important than knowing their friendship and
their love was still intact. Even though there was a good chance the stoic mask could
return when Xena woke up, she’d no longer allow it to keep her from the woman
underneath, who needed a friend with the quiet understanding only someone who’d
shared the worst could give and she’d be that friend, whatever the dawn sent their
way. She’d hold onto their friendship, like she held the warrior in her arms, close
to her heart.
**********
Awake before she opened her eyes, the warrior knew where she was and how she got there,
although she couldn’t remember why she’d let Gabrielle take her in her arms. She
also couldn't remember why she’d stayed there until she fell asleep, but that was a
moot point now, because she was awake and it was time to move, except that moving was the
last thing she wanted to do. Held within the bard’s embrace, the warmth surrounding
her and the feel of soft fingers against her cheek seemed to sap the desire right out of
her body, because it was such a stark contrast to what she’d waken up to the past
week. Rather than having consciousness forced upon her by a bird’s song, or the light
of day in her eyes, the warrior had been lured into wakefulness by the sound of
Gabrielle’s quiet breathing and the feel of her breath against her neck. Instead of
waking up in a cold sweat from a nightmare, she’d slept like a baby and awakened to a
dream full of warmth, caressed by a gentle touch that she didn’t want to risk losing
by opening her eyes.
Gabrielle knew she should be tired after staying awake all night, but as she stared down
at a face bathed in a peaceful expression, running her fingers lightly over a relaxed
cheek, whatever weariness she should’ve felt wasn’t there. Somehow all the
strength she needed seemed to come from just having Xena so close and being able to look
at her, and touch her without wondering if she was doing something wrong. No, she
thought and smiled, this is definitely right. This is the way it’s supposed to be.
Lost in a moment of complete serenity, the bard continued to smile as a pair of long
dark lashes moved slowly upward and simply switched her gentle stroking to the other side
when Xena turned her head to look up at her. Staring down into pale blue eyes, a little
blood shot from sleep, Gabrielle was unwilling to give up her moment just yet and cradled
the warrior’s cheek as she leaned down to place a soft kiss on warm lips.
Closing her eyes as the bard came close, Xena was again at a loss for knowing why she let
Gabrielle have her way, because the dark shadow was still looming over her soul, but as
their lips met, the chill she’d been living with seemed to weaken by a fraction and
as the kiss lingered, the shadow drew back even further. Second by eternal second, what
had been her cold dark hell was slowly giving way to the intrusion of a warm glowing light
she felt she didn’t deserve, yet couldn’t stop herself from falling into. Caught
between the inability to allow herself to be forgiven by anyone and the unconditional love
being thrust upon her, the warrior was waging a private war within the confines of the
kiss and unknowingly swayed the momentum by reaching up for the lifeline she
should’ve pushed away. Tangling her fingers in blonde hair, she felt Gabrielle
respond as the kiss grew in intensity from a tender exchange to the beginnings of a
passionate embrace and though the war was still undecided, the tide of battle was
shifting.
Suddenly finding herself in a possible position to do whatever she wanted with an
apparently willing partner, Gabrielle also found her more carnal desires surprisingly
absent in the face of this spark of passion and although she knew better than to press the
advantage into something Xena wasn’t really prepared for, it seemed as though the
kiss was all she really wanted for herself. Unlike any other time when she would’ve
been using her hands to get rid of leather barriers to the warrior’s long tan body,
they seemed pretty happy right where they were. The softness of Xena’s skin against
her palm and the way her shoulders fit perfectly into the crook of her arm just lent
itself to having another contented moment, where nothing else was needed to make it any
better. Although yesterday the kiss would’ve been too much to ask for, today it was
everything her heart desired and she held onto it like she’d been holding on to Xena
all night, with a tender strength that gave evidence to the power of patience, and love.
Sharing Gabrielle’s contentment with the kiss for the time being, the warrior knew
the vulnerable position she was in both physically and emotionally. As if the battle
within her soul wasn’t enough, Xena was having to split her consciousness between
focusing her instincts outward, while the rest of her senses were being consumed from
above. Lying relaxed in the bard’s arms with her weapons out of reach, she struggled
to listen for the slightest hint of danger over the pounding of her heart, which was
getting stronger. From instant to instant, her attention teetered back and forth as
another war for supremacy broke out, and as this new battle heated up, her contentment
with the kiss faded conversely.
Taking a firmer grasp on the blonde head above, Xena pulled it to her, increasing the
pressure of the kiss and brushing the tip of her tongue across Gabrielle’s lips until
they parted, giving her access to search for her playmate.
Suffering through a little battle of her own, Gabrielle’s dilemma revolved around
remembering to breathe while Xena set her world on fire and as the flames spread rapidly,
any doubt she had concerning the warrior not being prepared for something more than just a
kiss got charred about the same time her own reserve had. Burning and breathing hard, she
tried to keep up with the woman who seemed determined to make up for a lost week in the
next five minutes, and she was losing ground fast, but instead of conceding the field of
battle, she called a temporary cease fire so she could catch her breath. Sliding her hand
from Xena’s cheek, she placed it solidly on a heaving leather covered chest and put
forth the monumental effort of breaking the kiss, which was met with resistance, but
oxygen deprivation is a marvelous substitute for adrenaline, and she finally succeeded in
pulling away before she passed out.
With her eyes still closed, the bard laid her head back, panting like there was no
tomorrow and kept her hand on the warrior’s chest in case Xena mistook her exposed
bare neck as an invitation. Then, as her mind cleared a little, she opened her eyes to
look down at a set that were no longer pale, but a deep blue brought on by their passion.
Needing a few more breaths to catch the elusive second wind, she puffed out her cheeks to
release a heavy sigh and shook her head when tan fingers began tangling in her hair again,
and raised one of her own to request a bit more time.
Despite her eagerness to pick up where she was forced to leave off, Xena acquiesced to
Gabrielle’s silent request and took advantage of her laid back point of view to stare
up into eyes the color of evergreen leaves, framed in lush blonde lashes that she’d
missed seeing so much. Having gotten only glimpses of the bard’s eyes and her face
for the past week, with most of those glimpses being merely silhouettes, she studied the
curve of the chin with her eyes as her finger tips lightly traced the outline, then gently
brushed across full lips. The warrior could feel the heat radiating from beneath her touch
and she caressed the warmth as she took in each feature like she was seeing beauty for the
first time.
Though the tables had turned and it was apparently her turn to be stared at, Gabrielle
didn’t flinch under the scrutiny, or her partner’s touch. In fact, the opposite
occurred and she smiled when callused fingers brushed across her lips. The feel of
Xena’s hand on her face was bringing back very fond memories of not so long ago and
the bard was taking as much advantage of her point of view as the warrior was. Tan skin
hid most of Xena’s blush, but she could still see it, along with the same peaceful
expression she’d admired when she’d been asleep, which was slowly giving way to
a happy one as a the corners of Xena’s mouth started to go up just a tad. Encouraging
the beautiful face to smile, Gabrielle tried a bit of reverse psychology with a brief
scowl as she stuck out her tongue. This move got one corner to go up into a half smile, so
she tried making another face and received the smallest trace of her pearly whites in a
smile that was warm and amused at the same time, without the hint of any of the
warrior’s earlier despondency to taint it.
The blonde, refreshed by the smile and the touch in more ways than one, found her second
wind during the respite, but waited until a tanned thumb grazed her lips before she made a
move to reunite their smiles. Then she discovered the tables had truly turned when the
hand that had once pulled her close held her back and she lost some of her smile as she
glanced at the obstacle to her quest for sweetness. Her head bowed, she stared at the hand
over her heart for a moment, then looked up to find the smile on Xena’s lips fading
fast. Shifting her gaze to the warrior’s eyes, she could see the twinkle that had
been there a heartbeat before glaze over, the way a cloud blocked out the sun. Cursing
herself for ever having broken the kiss in the first place, she wrapped her arms tightly
around Xena’s shoulders just as she tried to rise.
Somewhere between the way the early morning sun lit up Gabrielle’s golden hair and
the smile on her own lips, the warrior felt the shadow’s return. As if the merest
hint of happiness had been a trigger to open the flood gates, the guilty chill rushed back
into her soul like a tidal wave. Fighting the frigid current and the bard, she tried to
get away from both before she drowned in the darkness covering her soul, but the light,
the lifeline she’d clung to, now clung to her for dear life, refusing to release her
into the misery she desired. Struggling harder to get up, to get as far away from anything
that resembled the love she didn’t deserve, she felt it tighten around her, squeezing
the air from her lungs with each renewed effort to rise. Squirming, she strained against
her captor, but was held fast by a power she couldn’t escape and felt herself falling
into a black void as hot tears were squeezed out to sear her skin, marking her descent
into the abyss.
Gabrielle didn’t have time to try and figure out what had caused the mood swing, or
to curse herself anymore, because she was too busy just trying to hang on to Xena, which
was getting harder to do by the second. In a bad position to begin with, she had both arms
wrapped around a writhing body trying to wrestle what little leverage she could muster,
but the warrior’s greater strength was beginning to take its toll on her own and only
the unknown strength that had allowed her to hold Xena through the night seemed to be
giving her the power she needed to keep her friend from getting away.
Grunts, groans, and growls echoed off the trees, silencing all the natural sounds
associated with an awakening woodland and drove off curious creatures with their ferocity.
Embroiled in a battle of wills, moments passed into minutes and minutes passed into
forever as the women dueled against one another amidst the shifting light filtering though
the canopy above. Wreaking havoc on the immediate area, dirt and leaves were strewn over
unused bedrolls, and dying embers as long tan legs kicked wildly, but while they succeeded
in digging up earth, they failed to gain a foothold on their owner’s freedom.
Her shoulders and arms clamped inside a human vise, Xena thrashed her head from side to
side, then quickly arched her back using her legs as leverage, then slammed her body down
again when the tactic failed. Trying everything but anything that would harm the bard to
get loose, her breath came in harsh gasps within the confines of the hold and the energy
it took to fight was starting to show as a light sheen of sweat covered her body. Feeling
Gabrielle’s hold slip by just a margin, she pounced on the opening, twisting her body
away from the bard, only to have the hold redoubled and her chance evaporate. Frustrated
and desperate, she felt like her body was imploding from the pressure being put on it and
made one more fruitless attempt at getting free before she finally collapsed in exhausted
heaving sobs.
Pushed beyond the boundaries of rational thought, the bard reacted instinctively when Xena
collapsed. Relaxing her grip an instant later, she brought the warrior’s head to her
shoulder, cradling it gently as her own tears joined those of her friend. Placing a soft
kiss on tousled dark hair, she pulled the warrior closer as the long frame curled up into
a ball against her and though her own body and mind were drained and numb from the battle,
the well of strength she’d drawn from all night hadn’t yet run dry. Taking
another drink from the unknown source, Gabrielle closed her eyes and lowered her head to
rest her cheek against Xena’s forehead. The battle won for now, she released a long
sigh, then placed a kiss on a sweaty brow and gently tightened her hold, wrapping the
woman in her arms in an inescapable blanket of love.
**********
Much of the day was spent as most of the night had been, with Gabrielle holding Xena in
her arms, but instead of the peaceful quiet of night to surround the couple, the air was
filled with guttural sobs as the warrior’s body was wracked by spasms of pure anguish
that threatened to rend her blackened soul from her body. Tormented and tortured as she
was, she revealed nothing but her pain between sobs. Holding her guilt inside, though it
choked her with every halted breath she took, she faced the parade of nameless faces in a
sea of ravaged memories.
By the time the sun began it’s arc toward the western horizon, the sobs had tapered
off to intermittent sniffles and then the air grew silent one more time. Staring blindly
at a world she couldn’t see for the hands over her face or the plague of desolation
encompassing her soul, Xena’s tears had run dry, leaving her body spent with their
passing. Still the faces came on to call her name in an endless parade of accusers that
eroded her sense of space and time, except for the feel of the body holding her as a
mother would a frightened child. That single link with the present, unshakeable and
unbroken was the thread holding her to life while she died inside. The soft and gentle
voice from the outside whispering words of comfort that weaved their way into the parade,
at times overriding the voices of the dead to shed light into the darkest regions of her
being. Deserted by all but this sole source of warmth, the warrior succumbed to the cold
reality of her sins only to be given the strength to withstand the barrage when all she
wanted to do was give in.
Beyond the point of exhaustion and beyond the point of hearing her body recite it’s
needs, Gabrielle turned a deaf ear to the rumblings of her empty stomach, and ignored the
aches her body was shouting out. Her concentration solidly focused on her warrior alone,
she listened only to the calling of her heart and soul, which dispatched her physical
limitations to the realm of inconsequential and reinforced whatever necessities she
required.
She’d shed as many tears as her friend had during the day and after Xena’s had
stopped, her’s continued to fall silently down her cheeks as she felt the pain
tormenting the warrior invade her soul. Blind as she was to its cause, the bard never the
less treated the pain as if it were her own, because in truth, it was. Whatever space Xena
sought to put between them with her silence, to keep Gabrielle sheltered from the deep
seated anguish, it was no match for the bond they’d forged through their friendship
and their love. Just as they stood side by side for the greater good, they weathered the
storms together and often found little need for words. As if they shared the same soul,
they relied on that bridge to bypass conventional forms of communication and it was only
their individual thoughts that remained out of reach, while their emotions traversed the
unspoken connection. A subtle gesture here, a brief glance there was all they needed to
get a point across and though they often shared what was on their minds aloud, for both
the good and bad, it was the invisible tether that filled in what mere words couldn’t
express. That’s why Gabrielle didn’t need to hear what was wrong and although
Xena’s pain was quite evident, she didn’t need to see it to feel it. Inside her
own soul, she fought against the temptation to be overwhelmed and follow the path of least
resistance to oblivion, and used the same words she murmured to her friend to keep both
their heads above water. Whispering reminders of her presence and reassurances of her
love, Gabrielle continued her vigil without ceasing while Xena confronted her demons, and
waited for some sign of how the struggle was going either way.
**********
The sign Gabrielle was watching for came over four candlemarks after midday, with the sun
hanging suspended in the sky, but not long before it’s light would disappear behind
the distant mountains. Trying to stay alert throughout the afternoon, which was a
difficult task in itself, the bard also tried to stay prepared for whatever Xena might do
once she did make a move, whether it was another attempt at bolting, or if she simply fell
asleep. Hoping for something closer to the latter, she wasn’t far off base when the
warrior came alive in her arms by just dropping her hands from her face and sighing.
Relieved but wary, she loosened her hold a smidgen and waited again, to see what was to
come next.
Cold, numb and literally wasted, Xena looked out onto a world that hadn’t changed
from the safety of Gabrielle’s shoulder with a blank stare. The parade had ended, but
she didn’t know if it was because she’d unmasked all her sins, or if her mind
had gotten too tired to go on and it mattered very little to her either way. It was over,
though she knew her conscience would never be clear of what she’d done and she still
hadn’t forgiven herself, but it was over for now and it was time to move on. If she
hadn’t been so utterly exhausted, that is and if she’d been able to break away
from the warmth of Gabrielle’s embrace, which she really didn’t want to do.
Inside those arms it was comfortable, it was safe, and it was home. A home she’d been
without for what seemed like an eternity that was made up of two arms, rather than four
walls and knew no boundaries. One that was soft and hard at the same time, whose doors had
no locks to keep her out, and a hearth fueled from a heart that knew only love. A love
that kept her warm and alive. A love that was worth killing, fighting and dying for and
was the only barrier between the ruthless warlord, and the warrior. A love she
couldn’t live without.
Closing her eyes, the warrior sighed again and nuzzled her head into the base of
Gabrielle’s neck and felt the arms around her tighten into a gentle hug.
Gabrielle held her breath for the time it took Xena to get settled, then let it out slowly
and glanced up at the heavens to send whomever a heartfelt silent thanks. It’s
over. She thought and cradled the love of her life where she belonged.
A few minutes later, once she’d felt Xena relax against her, the bard took the time
to look around the campsite and began taking stock of it’s condition. The fire was
long since dead and would need to be rebuilt before the sun set. Their bedrolls were
covered in debris and the easiest source of food, and water was on the other side of the
ashes with the saddle bags. Looking around, she spotted Argo through the trees. The mare,
apparently oblivious to everything that had taken place, was grazing on some grass and was
the only thing that appeared not to need some tending to, which cut the list of
Gabrielle’s things to do down by one. So, considering her options, she discounted
spending another night where she was, for fear of becoming permanently rooted to the spot
and contemplated breaking the silence. Somewhat fearful of giving up what she’d
gained, she surveyed her own condition and discovered that the well she’d been
drawing from for almost a day had finally run dry. Left with little else to do, she dared
to test the waters and closed her eyes. Speaking a softly as she could, she ran her
fingers through the warrior’s dark hair as kissed her forehead before she spoke.
"Xena."
Blue eyes fluttered open, then the warrior blinked away her slumber and took a deep breath
of regret as she answered just as quietly. "Hmm?"
Biting her lip, Gabrielle sighed through her teeth. "Xena, I’m going to get up
now and get the fire going. I think we’re gonna need it tonight. Is that okay?"
Opening her eyes with the question, she bent her head to see the warrior’s reaction.
Sighing out an unmistakable harumph, Xena nodded despite her desire to remain where she
was forever and focused her baby blues to take a furtive look around. "I made a
mess." Speaking literally, but with a hint of some deeper meaning, she sighed again
and sat up. Sniffing once, she turned her head to look at the bard and saw emeralds that
were still sparkling with love, but looked absolutely beat otherwise. "I’m
sorry, Gabrielle." With a look of true sadness, she reached out and ran the back of
her fingers on a tired cheek.
The bard hadn’t missed the hint and could easily see the residual turmoil behind her
partner’s eye. Bringing her hand up, she interlaced her fingers with Xena’s and
shook her head. As if to put the matter behind them, she whispered a resolute command and
leaned forward to seal the pact with a kiss. "Don’t be."
Needing that kiss more than she’d ever needed anything before in her life, the
warrior didn’t resist the love she was being given this time and didn’t resist
the gentle urging to go backward when Gabrielle leaned into her. Lowering her body slowly
to the ground, so as not to break the kiss, Xena stretched out and felt the bard press
down on her. Like a willing sacrifice, she let her body be taken with an uncharacteristic
abandon and found herself not caring what tomorrow might bring. Whether she lived under
the shadow of her sins forever or not held little meaning for her. At that moment, the
moment was all and all she cared about was the woman who’s kiss could drive the chill
from her soul. Who shared her life with all it’s imperfections. Who defined her
existence and stood by her through everything. Who made up her world and who held her
heart and soul in the palm of her hands, and who she trusted with her life. The best
friend and partner whose love she could never earn, or feel as though she deserved, and
yet, would never be whole without it.
**********
Once the passion had ebbed, after the sun made its departure form the sky, Xena put the
campsite in order by moonlight and put the bard to bed in quick succession, without
allowing any protest from her partner, then built a fire before she’d slipped in
beside Gabrielle. Bare to the world except for the furs covering her body and the arm
draped over her waist, which had made it’s claim minus the benefit of it’s owner
ever waking, the warrior lay on her side, staring into the flames as she absently fingered
the hilt of her sword. Staring as blindly as she had the previous night, her mind was far
less focused than before. It wandered aimlessly between everything and nothing all at the
same time, but though her thoughts lacked direction, her mind wasn’t numb anymore and
neither was her body. The oppressive chill she’d suffered under the shadow of her
guilt hadn’t returned once she was left alone with her thoughts and the parade was
absent too, leaving her free to feel the warmth of the bard’s body cuddled against
her back, which soon broke her from her wanderings when the arm around her waist tightened
its hold.
Lowering her gaze, she remained still while Gabrielle made another sleepy move and was
apparently trying to mold her smaller body to fit the contours of Xena’s longer one.
This brought the warrior the rest of the way out of her aimless haze and put a smile on
her lips when it became evident, by a muffled grumble from behind, that the bard
wasn’t getting satisfactory results from her unconscious effort. Glancing over her
shoulder, she watched the furs flutter and felt the legs beneath them trying to fit up
against the back of her own, but Gabrielle wasn’t in the right position to make it
work, and though she got some amusement from the situation, the warrior finally put an end
to the struggle. Rolling slowly onto her back, she raised her left arm above her head and
had to leave it uncovered only a short time before a slumbering blonde head nuzzled into
the base of her neck. Then, with the bard laying half on, half off her body and
contentedly snuggled, Xena brought her arm back under the covers to wrap it around
Gabrielle’s shoulders.
Now in their normal sleeping arrangement, the warrior relaxed into the comfort the
familiar feel brought about and closed her eyes to the stars above to listen to the serene
sounds of night, and the slow rhythmic breathing of the bard. Letting both relax her even
further, she drifted off to sleep with the passing thought that her sins still hung
solidly over her head and the knowledge that the shadow could return tomorrow, but with
the greater knowledge that shadow or no, nothing was worth losing what she held in her
arms.
**********
Gabrielle, tucked in her comfy warm bed with it’s soft tan warrior pillow, slept the
way she always did. Like a proverbial rock. Unfazed, unmoved and completely oblivious to
the world around her. Even the sun, in all it’s splendor and glory, went completely
unnoticed by the woman snuggled beneath the covers, when it peeked it’s singular
golden eye over the eastern horizon, which was the time she was normally forced from her
precious slumber rather grudgingly and grumpily by the insistent proddings of her pillow.
But, like the sun and everything else, the proddings, or the lack thereof, went unnoticed
as well, until the orb was nearly at it’s apex overhead. Then the bard deemed the
world worthy of her attention and showed the first, almost imperceptible signs of waking,
by frowning at the notion of waking at all, but wake she did if by slow, drawn out
degrees. And though she was far from being completely coherent at this point, she was not
completely unaware of her surroundings. In particular, her sleep filled mind was keenly
aware of the fact that she was not alone in her bed and that the warmth she was enjoying
came not from the covers covering her naked body, but from the naked body she was snuggled
shamelessly against, much to her groggy delight. The luxurious feel of Xena’s long
form and the arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders, holding her close, was enough
to send Gabrielle right back to sleep with absolutely no remorse about the shameless
selfish way she was making use of her time. And she would’ve gone right back to sleep
with the intent of staying right where she was forever, if it weren’t for some pesky
memories that began popping up once her mind became a little less foggy.
They, the pesky memories, played in the back of her mind like little prickly urchins hell
bent on ruining her paradise by replaying the events leading up to her revelry and
reminding her that all may not be as perfect with her partner as it was with her. Then
they moved from the background to the foreground, as her sleep was held at bay and they
brought with them a sense of guilt at her selfishness, coupled with a renewed sense of
anxiety. These two emotions, combined with several others that were quickly taking
prominence in her mind and feeding a foreboding sense of worry deep within her soul, soon
moved Gabrielle to full consciousness, and to the point where her own considerations fell
by the wayside, in lieu of a need to make sure that Xena was alright.
Completely unaware of the worry she would later inspire, Xena had slept as soundly as her
counterpart and awakened in the same manner as the bard, with selfish thoughts of an
unmoving nature, which is why she’d been laying there quietly since she’d first
opened her eyes before dawn. But unlike her partner, the warrior wasn’t laden with
burdensome memories to make her get up and she’d been content to let her normal
morning routine of prodding Gabrielle until she growled go by, choosing instead to let the
sun rise without her, and watch it make it’s glistening way through the canopy of
trees. In fact, she’d been almost as oblivious to the world while Gabrielle slept as
Gabrielle had, with only the feel of the bard’s warmth against her body and the sound
of the bard’s soft rhythmic breathing seeping into her consciousness.
As if waking into a dream for the second time in as many days, Xena had opened her eyes to
a world as dark as the shadows of her soul, not knowing what the day would bring, but with
an undeniable sense of peace that came from the light she held in her arms. The wonderment
with which she watched the sun so easily dispatch the night was the same sense of awe she
felt at how something so simple as having Gabrielle touch her, could dispel her own
darkness. Even now, when the bard was asleep, unconscious of the effect she had, all it
took was having her close to send Xena’s demons to the furthest reaches of her own
psyche. The shadows recessed, the parade vanished and the chilly prison around her soul
thawed.
From the day they met and long before Xena would ever allow herself to admit it, the naive
girl, who’d attached herself like an incurable fungus and whose continual chatter
drove her to distraction, who had the intuitions of someone far more mature, the
insatiable curiosity of an innocent child, and the seemingly endless capacity for
compassion and understanding, always had the innate ability to quell the former Destroyer
of Nations most bloodthirsty desires with nothing more than the touch of her hand. And
once she did allow herself to recognize the power Gabrielle had over her, although it
scared her to acknowledge that power for what it was, the love she’d denied herself
to feel had become to strong. By then Gabrielle had become necessary to Xena’s
survival, not a convenience that could be easily discarded. The light radiating out of the
bard’s soul was a beacon, keeping the warrior warm and guiding her when the world
around her grew even too dark for her to manage. The love, so freely given, was the air
she breathed and when Gabrielle wasn’t there, it was like she was suffocating. Then
there was their friendship, which had been the foundation everything else was built on. It
came before the light, before the love and had survived when their worlds had crumbled
into ruin. The intangible bond had survived to rise out of the turmoil even stronger than
it had been going in and if they’d never been anything more than friends, Xena knew
she would never be whole without it. Gabrielle was her world, the air she breathed, her
heart, her soul, her greatest weakness, her greatest strength, the woman she loved with
every fiber of her being, but above all else, she was her best friend.
These were the thoughts that had kept Xena company, while she let Gabrielle sleep the
morning away. Rather than being weighed down with pesky memories of the day before and all
the darkness they entailed, she’d been daydreaming about the bard’s finer
qualities, which she felt suitably lucky to have the privilege of enjoying. And although
she did reminisce about some of Gabrielle less appealing attributes, such as a stubborn
steak a mile wide and how she had a tendency to labor over things Xena found
insignificant, she was still feeling quite pleased when a face, half hidden by sunlit
blonde hair and which had a somewhat apprehensive, if not fretful, yet slightly sleepy
expression on it came into view. "Hi." She said to it and smiled to show off her
happiness, though she became confused when the bard continued to hold her worried scowl.
A smile being the last thing she expected to see, Gabrielle tried to play it against what
she’d witnessed the day before and in her lingering sleepiness, all she managed to
surmise was that she’d definitely missed something. So, to help matters some, she
propped up on one elbow to get a better look into blue eyes, in hopes of discovering if
Xena’s smile was a mask, or if it was genuine. Unfortunately, she was still to close
to slumber to make a conclusive determination, so she fell back on her strong suit and
asked. "Are you back?"
"Back?" The warrior asked, even more confused than before, because she was
pretty sure she hadn’t been anywhere other than their campsite for days. "Back
from where?"
"Wherever you’ve been the past week?" The bard clarified quietly and pulled
her hair out of her eyes, to tuck it behind her ear. Then she put her hand on the
warrior’s chest, as if checking to make sure she was really there. "Are you
okay, Xena? Are you back?"
Suddenly the dawn broke on Xena’s comprehension horizon and her expression sobered as
a fresh wave of guilt came over her for having put the bard through hell by association.
"Yea." Speaking barely above a whisper, she nodded and smiled at the reason for
her return. "I’m back, Gabrielle."
This news elicited a relieved sigh from Gabrielle as the creases etching her face smoothed
out to make way for a warm smile. "No more ghosts?" Grasping at straws, she went
on gut instinct to see if she’d been right about the source of Xena’s silence.
Shifting her eyes downward, the word ‘ghosts’ hit home hard and it was the
warrior’s turn to sigh. "I don’t know." She answered honestly, though
she couldn’t bring her self to see the reception her answer would get.
"Oh." Taking the answer at face value, the bard bit her bottom lip, then began
chewing on it to get up the nerve to ask her next question, which took some doing.
"You wanna talk about it?" She asked very tentatively, but with a seriousness
behind her apprehension.
Xena’s eyes went back to the bard and she was ready to say ‘no’ when the
way Gabrielle smiled at her shyly made her hesitate. "Gabrielle, I don’t think
talking about it is going to help." Closing her eyes, she shook her head. "They
aren’t your ghosts. They’re mine and I’ve put you through enough
already."
"Xena, look at me." Gabrielle’s smile softened as she spoke and she brought
her hand up to stroke the warrior’s tense cheek with the back of her fingers. When
Xena finally looked up, she turned her hand over to cradle the cheek against her palm.
"Your ghosts are my ghosts, because I love you, but you don’t have to tell me
anything if you don’t want to." Taking a deep breath, she shook her head.
"It’s just so hard when you shut me out, Xena. I hate losing you like that,
because it hurts me seeing you in pain. Having you right there and not being able to help
you, because I’m afraid of making the wrong move and never know what to expect if I
do. I don’t know if I should try to hold you, or beat you senseless because
you’re driving me crazy, when all I’m trying to do is make sure you’re
alright. I need to know things like that, Xena. I need to know that you’re okay
inside there, that I’m not losing you all the way."
"Gabrielle," the warrior interrupted quietly, as a tear trickled down her
temple, "you’re never going to lose me and I don’t mean to hurt you. I just
get swallowed whole sometimes and shutting you out is the only way I can know that you
won’t get swallowed too. I’ve earned my guilt, but I love you too much to ever
let you live in that kind of darkness. You deserve the light you have in your soul, not my
sins and I need that light inside you, Gabrielle. I need it to stay bright and clear,
because sometimes it’s the only thing I can see. That’s why you have to believe
I’ll always come back to you, no matter how far down I go. As long as I have your
light to guide me, I’ll always come home. Always."
With tears running down her cheeks, the bard sniffed enough of them away to smile.
"Does this mean I shouldn’t hit you when you go all stoic on me?"
Xena mirrored the smile and tempered it with a warning arch of an eyebrow. "As much
as I know beating me up would make you feel better, Gabrielle. I’d have to say that
hitting me while I’m down would probably be a very bad idea. I might end up liking
it."
Gabrielle mulled this tiny bit of insight over a few times as the arm around her waist
slipped lower and she felt a strong hand take a firm hold of her butt, then a firmer hold,
and then a firmer hold, until any thought she might have had about taking her frustrations
out on her friend physically were permanently squeezed out of her mind. "Okay.
Okay." She relented with a wince. "I won’t hit you while you’re
down." Relaxing when Xena’s hand relaxed it’s hold, she rolled her eyes.
"I’ll only hit you when you’re asleep. Ow. Ow. I’m kidding! I
won’t hit you when you’re asleep either. I swear!" Laughing through a
grimace, the bard began shaking her leg as the pain increased. "I’ll only hit
you when you’re wide awake and up, and I’ll be sure to tell you first!"
Mirroring the grimace as she had the smile, the warrior gave the bard’s butt one
final squeeze, then let go to give it a hearty slap. "Now, what was that about
hitting me?"
"Nothing. Nothing. I don’t remember saying anything about hitting." Shaking
her head, the bard went through several painful expressions that did little to mask her
underlying amusement. "Nope. Not me. Never crossed my mind."
"I didn’t think so." Sounding very much like the warrior princess, Xena
dished out one of her more sinister chuckles to emphasize her complete return, then as
quickly as the mask was put on, it fell away to reveal a much softer, truer expression.
Not missing the sudden changes, Gabrielle was taken aback by them and physically drew back
from her friend when it became obvious she was being blatantly stared at. Leery and
confused, she wasn’t completely certain the smile she was seeing wasn’t some
kind of ploy, until she noticed a distinct twinkle in the blue orbs studying her. Then the
clouds of doubt evaporated and she lowered her head to tenderly press their smiles
together. "I love you, too and you’re welcome."
The twinkle never left Xena’s eyes for the rest of the day and the shadow didn’t
return for many weeks, but when it did come to call, it no longer found the warrior such
easy prey for pain and guilt, because the soul the shadow sought to take in it’s
frigid grasp was held by another. One who protected the warrior’s soul with her own,
encapsulating it in a circle of light and who proved to be both undaunted and unafraid of
the darkness, and who refused to relinquish her hold, defending what was her’s alone
with warmth, understanding, patience, compassion, love and the occasional thwack to the
head, when all else failed.
**********
The End.
Thanks for reading.
FlyBigD