To Hate Or To Thank


Ambyrhawke Shadowsinger

Copyright July 1, 2001 Ambyrhawke Shadowsinger

All Rights Reserved

Disclaimers: Sadly, I don’t own the characters. If I did…of the fun I could have had. Wake up Hawke, you’re dreaming again!

Subtext: This story implies…no it pretty much assumes…a romantic relationship between two women. We all get to see what we want, so if you don’t like the view, you’re welcome to check out other stories.

Spoilers: This story takes place after FIN as well as my other story, "How Can I Go On?" It’s not necessary to read the other story first…just letting you know the timeline order.

All feedback is welcome at



Personal Scroll

The snow melts

The grass fades

And I pass

As all things do.

But time and love,

They go on.

Those words were Akemi's final ones while alive.

Akemi. I don't know whether to hate her or thank her. If she had never sent word to Xena, then she and I would be in Egypt right now creating a life for us both. Gods, I can't believe that Xena actually suggested settling down. I had always thought I would have to fight her tooth and nail to end our days of wandering. I'm not ready to think about that. I can feel myself on the edge of losing it again, and I'm sick of my eyes being swollen and sore from tears. It just seems like a cruel joke that at the moment she was prepared to give me one of my fondest wishes, her past reared up to rip her from me.

This scroll was supposed to be about Akemi, and look where I went. I was saying that I don't know whether to hate her or thank her.

I wanted so badly to hate her the first time we met. Not only had she broken Xena's heart, but, like Lao Ma, she was someone who still had the power to make Xena leave me. I wanted to hate her, I really did….

But then Xena introduced me as her soulmate. I saw the same apprehension in Akemi's eyes that I'm sure was in mine. No matter what she did in the past, I could see her heart breaking at Xena's words. And I realized that I had the better end of the deal. Xena may have felt an obligation to help this friend, but Akemi only had her for a few weeks. Akemi had a hold on Xena's sense of duty, but I am the one who holds her soul. I have shared more of her life than anyone else who has ever know her. How can I hate someone who only wanted the same thing I do...Xena's love?

There's another thing that keeps me from hating Akemi. If it were not for the tattoo she gifted to me, I would be dead now. Yes, there are moments when I wish I were dead. But without Akemi's protection, everyone, including myself, would be a slave to Yodoshi. So I owe her my thanks.

And that is why I can record her dying words. She spoke truth at the moment of her death. All things pass away. I've always known that one day Xena would die. I just prayed that it would be years from now, when we were old and grey.

Though it feels like the best part of my world has ended, time goes on. The sun keeps rising every day. The dolphins still frolic in the waters beside the ship. The crewmen still scurry about their business.

And the love that Xena and I still goes on. Marcus once told her that love was stronger than death. Xena proves it to me every time I see her standing beside me. Not even death itself was able to fully tear her from my side.

~ Gabrielle

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