Growing
Up “Livia”
Conclusion
Written
by: Caina Q. Fuller
Two
years later
“What the hell is going on? Senetus!”
Livia searched for her second in
command but he was nowhere in sight. As a matter of fact nothing was in sight, anywhere.
Smoke filled the air like a thick midnight fog, burning her throat and lungs with each
breath she took.
What was worse was that in the heat of battle
and with limited vision, she’d cut down two of her own men as they’d stumbled
towards her in the smoke. Her vision was blurring from the tears streaming down her face
as her eyes attempted to compensate for the smoke burning them.
She dropped to her knees where the smoke was
thinner. Augustus had postponed their wedding at the last minute for the second time to
send her to Pylos in order to squash an anti-Roman uprising that was rumored to be started
by the descendants of Vercinix and some Elijan deserters. She was supposed to be going
into her second year as empress, but something seemed to always come up to delay their
wedding.
She wondered if it was Ares’ doing. Every
time she saw him he seemed…jealous of her relationship with Augustus. Though she knew
he’d never admit to that, she found it amusing all the same.
What she didn’t find amusing was his
constant references to the late Xena. And lately, he’d been making off hand remarks
about how she had Xena’s eyes, or Xena’s walk or laugh. When she fought she
moved like Xena.
Finally she’d confronted him about it and
found they were coming up on the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Warrior Princess’
death. He was, in some odd way, grieving for Xena.
The sentimentality of it all made her
positively sick. The last thing she wanted to hear about now was Xena. It seemed that
she’d been in competition all her life with a ghost and she hated Xena for it.
She and her men had gotten halfway between the
base of Mt. Ithome and Pylos when suddenly fire rained down upon her legion and the enemy
had come out of the wood work…literally.
She found herself coughing and gagging, and her
stomach churned from the smoke she was sucking down by the lungful. Dizziness began to
creep over her, and she suspected there was more to this smoke than usual.
“Senetus! Where are you?”
“I’m here Livia!”
“Stay close to the ground. Come to
me!”
Suddenly a massive hand gripped her wrist. She brought her sword up, trying to kill her
assailant, but at the last moment she realized it was Senetus.
“What’s going on?”
“I’ve ordered a retreat! Come
on!”
“You what?”
Anger burned in her gut now as much as the air
in her lungs. “I don’t retreat.”
“Sometimes you have to Livia. We’re
not going to have another militaristic blunder like you did with the Amazons seven years
ago. Now come on!”
She felt like she could kill him. Not because
she felt he was being rude, but because he was right and she couldn’t defend it. She
also thought of Acastus and what a fool he’d been. She didn’t want to follow in
his footsteps again like she had with the Amazons seven years before.
They finally reached clear air and she gulped
it down, almost to the point of hyperventilating. The dizziness cleared somewhat, which
made it easier for her to fight her way past the enemy that attacked as she made her way
to the horses her men had been riding before the attack.
She could feel her neck burning with
embarrassment. She was on the run, something she wasn’t accustomed to. She and Senetus, along with about seven thousand
of her men, made their way back toward Mt. Ithome. They
could regroup and secure the area to defend against attack while they regrouped.
Once she and her men had their heads about them
again however, she would attack again. This time the attack would be stealthy. The enemy,
she vowed, would never see it coming.
**********
When she entered her tent Livia found Ares
waiting inside. His arms were crossed over his chest and a hot bath steamed in the corner.
Courtesy the god of War no doubt.
Her clothes suddenly melted away. She stood
before him naked, but this time her body didn’t long for his touch. It longed for a
hole in the ground for her to empty her lunch.
“You look ill.” The look in his eyes
looked almost like genuine concern. Almost.
Suddenly Livia could hold back her gorge no
longer. She rushed to the basket she used to place her dirty uniforms in and lost her
battle with nausea. When she was finished,
Ares pulled her up.
“You’ve been doing this a lot
lately.”
“It’s nothing. It’s all that
smoke I inhaled earlier. That’s all.”
She pulled free from him and sank into the
water. The heat from the bath felt good against her cold skin and tense muscles. She began
to relax and when she did, the nausea faded away like a bad dream.
Ares came to stand behind her. He reached into
the water and touched her stomach. A few seconds later that same hand trailed up her body
and gently pulled her head back so she could look into his eyes.
“You’re pregnant.”
**********
The snow that usually covered the top of Mt.
Aetna weakened under the warmth air of the warm front that had moved into the area. As the
air warmed the snow melted until finally it began to slide toward the base.
As the snow sloughed off the side of the
mountain every crook and crevice that pitted the side of the mountain was laid bare to the
sun, including a cave that held a precious secret.
A secret that had been lost for over
twenty-five years…
**********
Livia felt her heart leap in her chest.
Pregnant? She couldn’t be. The idea of a baby scared her in ways nothing else could,
because her first reaction had been so foreign she almost didn’t recognize it as joy
until moments later.
A baby could do serious damage to her ability
to carry out her duties as Champion of Rome. She couldn’t fight on the field if she
was pregnant. If she had to be pulled from
active duty she could kiss her military career good-by.
She would also have to face the fact that a
child was the one thing that could warm her cold heart. She had become comfortable not
allowing herself to know true happiness. If she had a baby she knew it would make her love
again. If she began to love again, guilt for all the lives she’d stolen in her past
would come to haunt her.
She stood from the tub in a rage and faced
Ares. “Well get rid of it!”
Ares blinked, surprised by her reaction.
“Why? This is just what you need to secure your position as Champion of Rome. You
give Augustus a child and he won’t be able to wait to marry you.”
“How do you know it’s his? It could
be yours.”
“I’m a god Livia. I’d know if it
was mine. This child is the rightful heir to the throne of…Oh.” His voice
trailed off as he realized what he was saying. If the child were born it would be
Augustus’ successor, not Livia.
He held up a vial of clear liquid. “Drink this. It’ll solve all your
problems.”
“What is it?” She said, taking the vial.
“That’s not important. Just take it
and you’ll lose the baby. Just don’t loose this battle.”
He turned and walked away, fading as he went. Livia sank back down into the hot water and looked
at the vial in the light of the lantern hanging above her. It looked like harmless water,
but it had the power to end her pregnancy.
“Why is it so hard for me to decide?”
She wondered aloud. She knew a baby at this time in her life would be detrimental to her
career. She finally came to her decision and
popped the lid on the vial.
“If I could murder my own sister, I can
kill my own kid.” She tossed back the
sour contents of the vial and felt herself begin to laugh. Once she started she found she
couldn’t stop herself. She knew that if any of her men outside could hear her, they
would think her crazy.
They would be right.
She was going crazy, and she didn’t
know how to save her sanity. “I’ll just add it to my pile of regrets
later.”
Livia
emerged from the water and just as she reached her bed the worse cramps she’d ever
imagined one could feel wracked her body. She fell to the floor and began to scream from
the pain of it.
Senetus rushed in a few seconds later and
placed her on the bed. He was horrified to see the blood beginning to pour from between
his commanders’ legs.
“Livia! What happened?”
“I’m…sick…”
He threw his cloak over her and rushed out.
Senetus grabbed the nearest soldier and jerked him up by the collar.
“Get Livia’s physician. Now!”
“Yes sir!” The panicked soldier took
off through the camp to do as ordered while Senetus rushed back inside to his
mistress’ side.
“You’re going to be ok Commander.
Don’t worry.”
Though his voice sounded sure, he wasn’t.
He’d never seen anything like this before, and he’d never seen Livia look so
uncertain and afraid. She suddenly seemed like a child to him, even though she was
twenty-five years old.
“I’ve never known such pain
Senetus.”
“The physician is coming.” He
couldn’t think of anything to say to help her, so he held her as she screamed in
agony.
Half an hour later the physician placed a small
red blob in a pan and covered it up.
“You’ve had a miscarriage
Commander,” the physician said, washing his hands of blood. “I’ve examined you and as far as I can
tell there is nothing else wrong. You will have to stay in bed for a few days however, to
recover.”
Livia looked at him in disbelief. “I’m at war here Healer. I don’t
have time to lay around on my ass while my men fight without me.”
The physician shook his head. “I’m sorry commander, but if you
don’t rest you may ruin your chances of having children in the future. Don’t you
want to provide an heir to the throne for our emperor?”
No, she thought, though she nodded yes.
She was so tired. All she wanted to do was sleep and wake up from this nightmare in one
piece and still in control.
“I’ve
given you something to help you sleep. I’ll check in on you in a few hours.”
“Senetus,” she said. Her voice
sounded tired and weak in her own ears. “Look
out after our men. If I can’t fight…win this battle.”
“I will commander. I give you my
word.”
She sank down into darkness and left her pain
behind.
**********
The next day Senetus and every man that
remained in the legion, about seven thousand total, took up position around the enemy
camp. He was just about to order the attack
when movement caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. To his surprise he looked
over and found Livia moving toward him.
He couldn’t deny his disappointment.
He’d wanted to lead this campaign, alone. It had been years since he’d ridden
into battle as the top soldier, instead of second to some other warrior.
“Livia,” he said. He slowly lowered
his hand as she brought her horse around beside his.
“I thought you were supposed to stay in bed?”
“I was, but I feel better now. Do the men
know what happened?”
“They know something happened, but not
what. Not unless the physician opened his mouth.”
“If he did I’ll rip his heart from
his chest and stuff it down his throat.”
Senetus was used to seeing Livia in her
violence, but not actually talking about doing violent things. It was unusual for her.
“Well? What are you waiting for?” She
snapped at him, her irritation growing as her head throbbed from the aftereffects of
either the potion Ares had given her to end her pregnancy or the mixture she’d been
given by the healer to sleep. Her insides were sore, as if she’d been repeatedly
kicked in the guts the day before. “Situation report.”
“Our scouts have returned with good news.
The enemy is flying under a strange flag.”
“Strange? How so?”
“It’s a battle axe, symbol used by
the descendants of Vercinix, and a dove resting on the blade of the axe.”
Livia picked up his line of reasoning. “The dove is the symbol of peace for the
Elijan cult. So they have teamed up with the descendants of Vercinix. Could you
imagine such a thing? Elijans fighting?”
“Actually,” Senetus said,
interrupting her. “They’ve
disassociated themselves from the Elijans in order to defend the peaceful members that
have come to Pylos in order to rebuild Eli’s first temple.”
“Mmm. Too bad. If they’d remained
associated with the cult of Eli, we could label them as hypocrites. No matter. What’s
the news on their defenses?”
“They’ve used up their artillery
trying to destroy us in the first wave. We’ve poisoned their water supply and we
killed many of their men when they attempted to go fishing earlier this morning.
They’ll starve and thirst to death if they don’t surrender.”
For a person like Livia this was good news
indeed, yet she found no joy in the situation. All she could think about was the child
she’d destroyed. Even though she knew it was the wisest move for her career, she
wasn’t sure if it was the wisest move for her personally. She’d killed many
children in her time, yet this unborn child was nagging at her conscience like nothing
else ever had.
“Your orders, sir?”
“We’re in range for our archers. Have
them light up and rain fire down up on them. I want to take them back to Rome as
slaves.”
**********
Livia
watched her archers light their arrows and on her command, they rained fire down upon the
remaining resistance fighters in the Pylos temple ruins. She watched as the people below
scrambled about, trying to escape the smoke.
She willed her heart to enjoy the moment, but
it remained cold and unfeeling. Dead. She feared, mentally not emotionally, that perhaps
she’d finally succeeded in completely killing her soul.
“Senetus,” she said. She didn’t
bother to look over at the aging commander. “Let’s go into the village. I need
something to get my blood going.”
“Cease fire!” Senetus ordered. Livia
and Senetus drew their swords and raised them high into the air.
“First wave! Attack!” Livia shouted.
Her men rushed into the temple where over three hundred men, women and children had taken
up residence in the name of Eli.
“Senetus! Have the remaining men return to
camp. We don’t need them. Join me when they’re gone!”
Livia raced down the hill and into battle,
hoping against hope that she would feel something when she got to the bottom. If she
didn’t, she knew she was a dead woman walking, and life will have lost its savor for
her forever.
**********
Ares appeared in the center of the Senate hall,
though none of the mortals within could see him. Augustus Caesar paced back and forth,
listening to his closest friends and advisors praise Livia. It warmed his heart to know
that they seemed to love her almost as much as he did.
Mikolas, one of Augustus’ oldest and
wisest advisors, spoke of Livia’s popularity with the people. The emperor trusted his
word more than any others on matters such as these, for Mikolas had his finger on the
pulse of Roman society like no one else he knew.
“The local Bard’s sing songs of
Livia’s conquests in Rome’s honor my lord. They love her…”
Mikolas’ voice trailed off as he realized
almost too late what he was about to say. He hoped Augustus would leave it be, but of
course he wasn’t that lucky.
“They love her…? What?”
The emperor stared at him, crossing his arms
over his chest. Mikolas continued. “They love her almost more than they love you
sire.”
To everyone’s relief Augustus began
laughing. “Well then. In that
case…I’d better give the people what they want.”
The other ten men in the room looked at one
another in confusion, but Mikolas was the only one with the guts to speak up.
“What is that my lord?”
“When Livia returns from her latest
conquest to squash resistance to the Roman way of life I’m going to name her my
official successor.”
The other men in the room sat back and relaxed,
smiles on their faces. However no man in the
room had a smile wider than the one plastered to Ares’ face.
**********
Livia rode into battle, Her helmet covering her
head should some bold former Elijan or descendant of the barbarian Vercinix decide to do
something bold and aim an arrow at her head, or take her out with a mace.
She flipped from the saddle of her horse and
landed in the center of the temple. She began to cut down man after man, or woman after
woman. Whichever crossed her path. As she fought, she found she was unable to enjoy
the slaughter.
The people were too easy for her to defeat.
True, she saw some of them take out several of her own soldiers, but none of them were
like Krikor, the Elijan priest she’d fought what now seemed to be a lifetime ago. None of them held any real skill to challenge her.
Finally she noticed a familiar form appearing
in a relatively secluded corner. She felt his eyes on her as she fought. Usually this felt
good but today…today seemed to be a day painted by an artist who used only grays and
blacks instead of colors to tell the story.
She finally pulled off her helmet, exposing her
face to the sun. She sauntered up to Ares, who was smiling at her.
“Congratulations Livia.”
“I’ve had tougher games of tag,”
she said, wishing some pathetic Elijan with a crossbow and a little bit of skill would
take her out of this miserable existence forever. She was at an all time low in her life,
even though her career was at an all time high.
“I’m not talking about the battle.
Oh, the battle is good…No. I’m talking about you being named the emperors
official successor.”
Livia forced her lips to turn up at the corners
as the sound of slaughter continued behind her. The god of War, her lover and mentor
expected her to be pleased with this news, so she forced herself to give him what he
wanted.
Just like she always has.
“Then our plans are right on target.”
“Soon you will be the most powerful woman
this empire has ever known.”
“And no one can stop us from destroying
the followers of Eli as traitors to Rome, and the god she honors.”
He pulled her into a kiss, but Livia felt no
joy in the moment. She knew in her heart that if something didn’t happen soon to heal
her butchered heart she would either destroy the world trying to make herself feel again,
or she would kill herself to end it all.
**********
As Livia led the slaves she’d captured at
the temple ruins in Pylos through the streets of Rome, the screaming of the crowd finally
sparked an emotion…irritation. She knew they loved her, but she’d just as soon
kill them for all the noise they were making.
She’d never been this cold, this hard.
She’d never been so desperate for…love. In her mind she wished she could return
to the old days and do it all over again. Even though she’d lost Brigid, she would
run back to her room instead of to Ares.
If she had done that she wouldn’t be where
she was today, she knew. She wouldn’t be the Champion of Rome. She wouldn’t be
Augustus’ fiancé, or the protégé of the god of War.
Instead she’d probably be a fine Roman
woman, married to some Roman official with three or four children clinging to her skirts,
driving her mad, in a good way, with their crying and childish concerns.
She would be normal.
For the first time in years she felt resentment
building up in her heart for Ares and all he’d done to her. He’d ruined her, and
now she knew it.
Yet she also knew she couldn’t change. It
wasn’t from any lack of desire to change; it was a lack of ability to change.
A leopard, she’d once heard, couldn’t change its spots.
She couldn’t change who she was, and she
knew it. Even if someone came to her at this moment and offered to love her
unconditionally, she knew all she would be able to give in return would be hate.
Finally she arrived before the palace. Augustus
Caesar sat on his balcony, looking out over the victory march Livia was leading, but there
was something wrong with him. If Livia didn’t know better, she could swear she saw
the outline of someone standing just to Augustus’ right. He seemed to be…afraid?
Angry? She couldn’t place her finger on it, but something was definitely wrong.
She faced him and gave her usual tired
salutation. “Hail Augustus, Emperor of
Rome. I render to you the spoils of battle.”
“Your triumph and tribute pleases Us
Livia. Accept Our thanks, and the thanks of a grateful nation.”
She watched him closely as he looked to his
right again, as if someone were speaking to him. This was highly unusual, for she knew
he’d never had anyone on the balcony with him before during a victory march. No
one. So who was there now?
He waved and then closed the curtain, blocking
her and everyone else out. Panic flooded her gut and made her heart begin to pound, and
she was grateful for it. Perhaps the emotional death of her soul had only been temporary.
Perhaps a threat to her position of power would awaken some life in her after all.
Something was going on here. She didn’t
know what, but she would find out soon. Very soon. Her
saving grace had finally arrived. Salvation was close at hand for Livia’s
soul…she just didn’t know it yet.
**********
Livia stepped from the bath and wrapped a towel
around her body. She’d ordered her personal slaves to set out her off duty
Champion’s Uniform. It was more comfortable than the uniform she wore during battle,
but it also showed off her physique in the most flattering way.
As she dressed Augustus entered and that panic
that was in his eyes when she’d first returned was still present. She’d been waiting for hours to see him.
“Augustus, what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?” he said, turning
away from her and going to the window.
“I mean, what’s the mater with you?
You’ve been acting strangely since I returned. I thought I saw someone on the balcony
with you when I returned from Pylos earlier. Who was it?”
“No one. I was alone on the balcony.”
“You lie Augustus.”
He turned on her with self-righteous anger, but
when he looked into her eyes, the panic returned. She went to him and eased him toward the
bed.
“What’s going on?” She asked,
sitting beside him. “It’s not another woman is it?”
A flash of something she couldn’t readily
identify went through his eyes. Indeed it was another woman. “Who is she?”
“I’m not having an affair Livia.
It’s nothing. Nothing. I just came here to welcome you home from your trip. Welcome
home.”
He moved to leave but she gripped his arm.
“Augustus-“
“Let go of me!”
He jerked his arm free and stormed out of the
door, leaving her shaken and confused. She had only one other person in life that cared
enough about her to listen: Ares.
Livia quickly dressed and rushed out the door,
heading for her date with Ares in the empty arena.
**********
“Something is going on with him,”
Livia said, when she’d finally arrived at the arena. Ares had been there, waiting for
her. He was practicing with his sword when she’d rushed in, panicked.
“Something is wrong with whom?”
“Augustus, who else?” She snapped.
She paced back and forth, but Ares caught her and pulled her to him.
“Shhhh. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know. You’re the god
here, why don’t you tell me?”
“Alright then. Later tonight I’ll
stop by his chambers and read his dreams. Will that make you feel better?”
She began to relax. Ares would use his
powers, she told herself, to resolve this situation. In the meantime I can relax
and just let him deal with it.
They began to kiss and as they did she was
pleased to feel herself responding to him. It was only lust, but it was something. It felt
good to feel again, if even for a little while.
She pulled back and kneed him in the groin.
When he fell back, she drew her sword and the fight was on. She gave it her best, but she
was no even match for Ares. No matter what she threw his way he seemed to be able to block
it, but he was also enjoying the swordplay as much as she was.
“You are worse than a wasp!”
“And death has no sting for gods,
remember?”
They continued to fight, but Ares quickly got
the best of her. He pulled her to him, and she knew the time for swordplay was over. It
was time for something more exciting. Something more personal and physical.
“You give up?”
“I’ll give you something.”
Livia closed her eyes and allowed her body to
melt against Ares. Little did she know that her life was about to change in ways
she’d never imagined before. She was about to begin a journey of pain and anger, but
also of self-discovery and hope.
Most importantly, love, true and selfless was
about to enter her life. It is this love that Livia has dreamed of knowing and feeling
since she’d lost her sister Brigid as a child.
Just as she was getting into the kiss, a
strange sound echoed through the steel air and Ares pulled away from her. There was both
recognition and confusion in his eyes.
No sooner did their lips part did something
dart between them, separating them. It looked like a metal disk of some sort…
Then it happened.
Livia followed the flying disk on its return to
its owner, and her eyes fell upon a mysterious dark-haired warrior woman. There was
something, deep within her soul, that recognized her, but Livia pushed the feeling away.
Of course she’d never seen this woman before in her entire life. Still…
Ares knew her. She could see it in his eyes.
She’d never seen the god of War rattled before, but he was now. He looked almost
moved to tears by this woman, and that scared Livia. She may not have felt love in a long
time, but she knew it when she saw it in someone else’s eyes.
She saw love in Ares’ eyes now.
She followed behind him as he walked slowly up
to the woman who’d pulled them apart. Little did Livia know the separation between
her and Ares would be permanent because of this woman. Livia’s only question was who
is she?
The warrior put her sword to Ares’ chest,
and spoke for the first time.
“If you were mortal, I’d cut out your
heart.”
Instead of being offended as he would have been
with her, had Livia spoken to him like that, Ares only smiled and walked into the sword,
allowing it to pass through his body.
He’s going to kiss her,
Livia thought with panic. Not because she was afraid of losing someone she loved, but
because of the threat another woman would pose to her position as Augustus’
successor. She could easily become Augustus’ next Ghita. Who was this woman, and why
did she seem to mean so much to Ares?
Then her question was answered. As Ares leaned
in to kiss the stranger who’d literally come between her and the god of War, he spoke
her name.
It was the name of the woman who would change
her life forever. The name of the woman who would save her soul with her unconditional
love.
“Xena…”
The
End.