Xellen's Universal Chat

by Lucyfer

Author's Note - First of all, a special thanks goes to Joanna for graciously allowing me to borrow her "Xellen" character at a time when "Xena" didn't really feel like chatting.

Disclaimer - Besides Xellen, any other character you recognise belongs to Renaissance Pictures and MCA/Universal and are used without permission in this skit. All the real people quoted here are also used without their permission (sorry) and belong to themselves, I imagine. It's all in good fun, so enjoy.

The following is a transcript of the Universal Chat with Xellen: Warrior Princess, Ancient New Xeal....er Greece, date unknown.

Salmoneus, the Moderator says "Greetings, Universal Chatters and welcome to another live moderated chat! Tonight we are privileged to have Xellen: Warrior Princess at the Backlot Caf´┐Ż.

"Xellen lives in the "Golden Age" of myth, long before ancient Greece or Rome, on the distant frontier of known civilisation far away (but not too far) from the land of mighty Hercules. The whims of capricious gods and the greed of human tyrants make her world a treacherous one. Surrounded by enemies, barbaric tribes, slave traders and a host of other evils, the Warrior Princess is on a mission to help people free themselves from tyranny and injustice. She is accompanied by her faithful and trusting lov....um, companion, Gabrielle. Ladies and gentleman…….it's chat time!!! Without any further ado, please welcome Xellen: Warrior Princess!"

SALMONEUS: Is this your first time chatting live on the Internet?

XELLEN: Yes, it is. Is this anything like chatting with the Gods? Not that I ever chat with any of them, they're not the chatty type, except maybe Aphrodite. Well, she doesn't exactly chat, she pouts. And beautifully, I might add. Then again, Ares likes to chat with me but I don't want to chat with him, except when he interferes in my life, then it's time for a little chat.

MYSTRI asks - "How did you get started in your career?"

XELLEN: That would be when I was about 11 and I used a sword for the first time. Some stupid boy tried to kiss my girlfriend. Well, it wasn't exactly a sword, it was more like a dagger, but I was smaller back then and my hands were smaller too, funny how that works. Anyway, it felt like a sword but now that I think of it, I didn't exactly know how to use the sword, but it was in my hand. So, I just kicked him, yes I did, right between-----

SALMONEUS (his eyes widen): Xellen, I think she meant as the Warrior Princess, when did you first start that career?

XELLEN: Oh, when Cortese attacked Amphipolis, I suppose.

EPHANY asks - "What is the most rewarding thing about roaming the countryside?"

XELLEN: My partner, Gabrielle, but she's *not* a thing.

JINXED asks - "The popularity of Xellen keeps growing. How do you keep the quality of your life so great?"

XELLEN: Gabrielle. She's so great and makes me happy and not everyone can keep up with me, you know. I mean, I have great stamina and sometimes she wears me out and then I don't have any stamina at all, but she's my reason for living and believe me, she has a *lot* of stamina too . Why just the other day, we spent all night-----

SALMONEUS (clears his throat): The next question, please.

MOSSYXENA asks - "Were you surprised at the impact Xellen: Warrior Princess created?"

XELLEN: No. Everyone is deathly afraid of me and that helps. Sometimes, it hurts because people are always hunting me down and they try to do something stupid like kidnap Gabrielle. Hey, but I guess that's when they're *not* afraid of me, like Callisto, she wasn't afraid of me, and Palimon wasn't afraid of me either and hey, wait a minute, neither was Velasca and-----

SALMONEUS: I think we get the picture, Xellen. Here's a question we received from FIONA in London - "I was wondering, during your work on Xellen, has there been an incident or heroic event that you have been most proud of? Did it turn out the way you wanted?"

XELLEN: I'm most proud of when I came back from the dead and I got to kiss Gabrielle. Well, TPTB, (whispers) that stands for The Powers That Be, who are more powerful then Zeus, although I've never actually seen them fight so I don't know if TPTB could beat Zeus in a fair fight but they're all powerful just the same. It says so right in my contract. Anyway, TPTB didn't let me *really* kiss Gabrielle but everyone thought I did so I guess that counts for something. Then they made me go back into Autolycus' body and let *him* kiss her and I was so jealous that I had to slug him because-----

SALMONEUS: And the next question is - "Can you tell us something exclusive for your Internet fans?"

XELLEN: Well, around the autumnal equinox Gabrielle has a child. Let me tell you, it wasn't my idea nor was it Gabrielle's but if she has to have a child to *prove* we like men, so be it. I told TPTB that we would find a donor all by ourselves and of course, that could take forever and I wouldn't let him touch Gabrielle so we would have to use the pheasant baster, but noooooo...... they said they wanted a *real* man to do it. Don't worry, I'll make sure he's wearing a red shirt. *big evil grin*

ROCKER asks - "How do you enjoy working with the people around you? Anything about anyone that drives you crazy?"

XELLEN: Well, Callisto drives me crazy with that scream of hers, although Gabrielle said she liked it when I was in her body. That night around the campfire, she just couldn't resist me as a blonde, cause you know they say blondes have more fun, and I did have fun with Gabrielle but I guess back when I was really a blonde I never had any fun. As you know, I was born blonde but now I'm more intimidating with dark hair and it's a lot better than being an irritating blonde (sorry babe). That Gabrielle, (laughs) she so cute, she's always teasing me, saying, hey Xellen, how come your hair on your head doesn't match your pu------

SALMONEUS (laughs nervously): Yes, Xellen, I think we get the pic.....we get what you mean.

JUJOBEY asks - "Do you get a lot of negative feedback from people who are unsatisfied with the historical accuracy of the mythological aspect of your life?"

XELLEN: Negative feedback? Hrmmph! Not when they see my sword and chakrum. Nevertheless, I always tell people they mustn't worry their pretty little heads about it.

JINXED asks - "Any more A Day In The Life eps coming? I really LOVED that one."

XELLEN: You DID? Well, they cut so *much* out of it. Like at the end, after Gabrielle whacked me with her staff, you know, it was like foreplay, we didn't go to sleep right away and they kept the cameras rolling but that scene didn't make it to the final cut. And you know when we were in that hot tub, we, um... (pause)... bathed for several hours but they made it seem like 10 minutes. I think you can buy the extra footage for 500,000 dinars, coming soon to a video store near you. Right, Salmoneus? (She arches her eyebrow).

SALMONEUS (gulp): *Next* question.

CYBERKATHY asks - "Will the character Callisto be back for the 3rd season?"

XELLEN: Jeez, I hope not. But if she goes anywhere near my Gabrielle again, I'll kill her for real this time, although I thought I killed her for real the last time but she came back from the dead, just like I did. Well not exactly like I did, they made me go into a man's body in order to kiss Gabrielle but not Callisto, noooooo, they didn't make *her* do that. She got to be in *my* body and play with *my* Gabr---------

SALMONEUS (gasps): Next!

KRYTON asks - "Who is the one director you would most like to work with?"

XELLEN: Rob Tapert, but only to make Lucy jealous.

LITTLEJAE asks - "What advice would you give to people who are interested in doing what you do?"

XELLEN: Don't do it! Unless you like to kill people because I get to kill people almost every week. Not that I *like* doing the killing, well sometimes I do, especially when I yell "KILL THEM ALL!" but I don't *intend* to like it, it just happens. Sort of like when you have an orga-----

SALMONEUS (whispers loudly): Xellen! this is a children's show! (to the audience) Let's go on to the next question, shall we?

MACDADDYJAX asks - "Will Karl Urban have more of a Xellen presence this upcoming season?"

XELLEN: As Cupid or Julius Caesar? Personally, I like him more as Cupid than JC although his kid almost made me f(censored)k Draco, thank the Gods they have lakes! Whew! And then he made Gabrielle kiss Joxer, and whoa! that was scary but not like monster scary but more like icky yucky scary. Which is worse than monster scary sometimes. But jeez, you would think Cupid wouldn't leave his potent arrows lying around for that little brat to play with. However, I heard that JC is coming back for sure. My breast dagger would look great in his back, don'tcha think?

SIDEUS asks - "How long does it take to film a show?"

XELLEN: Generally it takes 8 days of first unit, 8 days of 2nd unit or until Gabrielle and I m(censored)ke l(censored)ve, whoever......er...... I mean, whichever comes first.

TROUSERS asks - "Do many people watch the show in New Xeal....er.....Greece?"

XELLEN: Yes, but most of our admirers are the Amazons and Sappho's followers. Of course, it's kind of hard for the Lesbos to get off that island but when they do, look out! Not that I mind, of course, in fact, it's quite flattering but geez! they follow Gabrielle and I around from campfire to campfire all goo-goo eyed and------

SALMONEUS: Okaaay. Moving right along.

ROCKER asks - "If you could take only one thing to an island alone, what would it be?"

XELLEN: I *told* you Gabrielle is *not* a "thing" but she has a thing that she could bring with her. I *like* what she does. (big grin)

CALEE asks - "Looking back, did you ever believe that Xellen would ever be as big as she is today?"

XELLEN: No. Sometimes I wish me and Gabrielle could just settle down and live the quiet life.

SHAWNTIUS asks - "Will Ted still be a regular on the show? He is so cool."

XELLEN: Cool?!?!?! Joxer?!?!?! More like idiot! buffoon! ninny! nincompoop! No, sorry that was Perdicus, who was the nincompoop or Perdypoop as I called him. Well, I didn't actually call him that to his face, just under my breath, because the TPTB wouldn't let me and I knew he would only last for about 11 minutes anyway, (by the way, thanks Callisto!) so I knew there would be no point. Hmm, what was my point? and I do have one. Oh yeah, Joxer. He makes Gabrielle and I look so much better, not that we need any help from him but all I know is they better not make Joxer my long lost 3rd brother. That 3rd one's still missing in the Xenaverse somewhere unless I really only have 2 brothers. (shrugs)

MOSSYXENA asks - "Will you be at the 2nd Annual Xellen/Hercules Convention in Burbank in January?"

XELLEN: No, but Lucy will and I'll be staying here with Gabrielle. (big grin)

MYSTRI asks - "Is it terribly expensive to run around the countryside with no noticeable source of income?"

XELLEN: Well, Gabrielle tells her stories and that earns us a few dinars. Then I give the patrons "The Look" and we squeeze a few more dinars out of those poor suckers but hey, wait a minute, that's not enough. Let me think. Haven't you ever heard of the world's oldest profession? It was an honoured practice in temples in my time, whatever time that is, but we try to stick to the women's temples and then it doesn't seem so much like a job but an adven---------

SALMONEUS: (sternly) *Here's* a question we received from LUNACY in Miami: "In living your life as the Warrior Princess, were you inspired by any actual historical figures, such as the Celtic queen Bodiccea who fought Rome?"

XELLEN: Yes. She was very nice and *very* hospitable. (smiles) That was *before* I met Gabrielle, mind you, in case you were wondering. Waaaay before, like 10 winters before.

MOONDANCER asks - "Has there been a decision to limit use of horses since Lucy's accident? Argo's been M.I.A. for a while."

XELLEN: Well, I was going to take Argo on Ulysses' ship but TPTB wouldn't let me because they knew she would have kicked him overboard or stopped me from stopping him from jumping overboard to chase the Sirens. Whew! I almost chased them myself. And then on Cecrops ship, well, Argo doesn't fly like I can. Well, maybe she can because I know she's a friend of Pegasus but I've never actually seen her fly so maybe she can't. Well maybe she can, but I've never ever seen it.

SALMONEUS: Here's a question we received from CRITTER in Knoxville - "What special themed episodes (eg. Halloween) are planned for X:WP this season?"

XELLEN: A Halloween episode. That's it. Although, I hope TPTB let me suck on Gabrielle's neck this time. I mean, she was great and everything, I really enjoyed becoming a Bacchae to save her but I wanted my turn (pouts). Not that I really want us to become Bacchae but if she gets to do me, I should be allowed to do her.

CALEE asks - "If you had to go back and do it all again (your career), would you change anything and what would it be?"

XELLEN: I would have found Gabrielle before Hercules. I think m(censored)king l(censored)ve to her and not him could have turned me to the side of Good just as well, if not better. I mean, look at how it turned out anyway. He was a one-night-stand and Gabrielle, the light of my life, my partner, my sidekick, my l(censored)ver, my soulmate for Goddess sake, has been with me now for over 2 winters. Who do *you* think should have turned me out?

SALMONEUS: Ha! (coughs) Uh yeah. Moving right along, next question?

IRULAN asks - "What about the ambiguity in the characters? Will that remain in the future episodes?"

XELLEN: Ambiguity? What ambiguity? What's ambiguous about me and Gabrielle giving each other long meaningful looks and gentle carre---.....I mean------ hugs. Okay, okay, maybe they can be interpreted as friendly gestures with your best friend but if I was touching Hercules that way, we'd have 2 or 3 kids by now, but geez, I already have a kid and now Gabrielle's going to have a kid.....Trust me! there is *no* ambiguity. Gabrielle and I are *IN LO-------

SALMONEUS: Xellen! The Religious Right is reading this transcript!

XELLEN: (frowns and grumbles) Let them get their own girlfriend.

MACDADDYJAX asks - "I just loved the Ben-Hur scene with Callisto and Xellen... are you often inspired by other classic films etc.? If so, what inspires you?"

XELLEN: Well, actually, Benjamin copied off of us.

KENSHIN asks - "Will we see a Roman invasion of Greece?"

XELLEN: No, we will see Romans temporarily defeated in Britain.

MACDADDYJAX asks - "Will there be any retail merchandise lines launched based on Xellen?"

XELLEN (shrugs): Salmoneus?

SALMONEUS: Yes, there will be. Two things we are working on right now are Baseball caps and jackets for the Not So Amazon Softball Leagues around the Known World and posters with Xellen in a new pose. There is absolutely no truth to the rumour that there will be any life sized Xellen blow-up dollies and as for the 10" dollies, they are still classified as a threat to national security.

KRYTON asks - "Why was Anthony Quinn not re-cast as Zeus?"

XELLEN (rolls her eyes): He was waaay too old for my Amazon twin sistah, Lysia.

MARIAH asks - "May we expect to see more beast intrusions and a female travelling companion for Herc?"

XELLEN: Hmm, now there's a touchy subject. I think you better speak to Iolaus about this, I heard he's mighty jealous of her already.

IRULAN asks - "Will the Xellen eps ever be released on video tapes that we can purchase? If so, when?"

XELLEN: Salmoneus?

SALMONEUS: Currently there are no plans to release the Xellen episodes on videos. However, after this coming year, there will be natural pairings of episodes which will go together as 2 or 3 episode releases. By the way, there is absolutely 100% *NO TRUTH* to the rumour that we have in our possession a full length, special edition, director's cut, 3 hour feature length movie of Xellen and Gabrielle in the hot tub.

XELLEN: (sings) Not what I heard.

SALMONEUS: Heh, heh! (croaks) NEXT!

DLARTEMIS asks - "I feel that the core of the show is Xellen and Gabrielle's relationship. Will this always be the case? And will their friendship only get deeper as the series progresses?"

XELLEN: Yes, our relationship is the core of the show. But if you are looking for us to get m(censored)rried, we won't be doing that because it would be like the Moonlighting syndrome and then afterwards, no one would be interested in our relationship with all its s(censored)xual tension and angst. As far as going deeper, how much deeper do you want us to go? I guess we could give each other tonsillectomies but then that could lead to..... (thoughtful pause) you know, just the other day, Gabrielle was saying to me, "ah yes, Xellen, deeper, deep----------"

SALMONEUS (blushes a bright red): NNNNNEXT QUESTION!!!

KENSHIN asks - "Has Xellen aired in Japan? If it does, how popular is it?"

XELLEN: (shrugs) I don't know, but I heard they are all supposed to be Xenaphobes.

CYBERKATHY asks - "Will we find out anything about Joxer's family in the next season?"

XELLEN: Yes. Joxer has a very large family….And Joxer and his brother will be appearing with Autolycus, the King of Thieves. I just hope that none of them are related to me .

HAPHAESTUS asks - "Are there any plans to release a second Xellen soundtrack?"

XELLEN: Salmoneus?

SALMONEUS: I have plans and the composer has plans. We certainly have new music especially with what we're doing this season. The record company has been slightly slow to respond. There's also talk of doing dance mixes to some of the theme music to Xellen including the music from the bar scene with the lesb.....I mean.....Bacchae women dancing with Gabrielle.

SAILORSERENITY asks - "Will Xellen and Hercules ever be romantically involved?"

XELLEN (shakes her head): Oh no, not that again. I thought we clearly answered that question in Judgement Day. We are long past being together and besides Gabrielle would be *very* upset and so would I. Of course, if they changed me back to the "Bad" Xellen then I could have an excuse and I suppose we could brush each other's hair or something. Then again, he wasn't exactly the worst lover I've ever had, and he *is* half a God and Iolaus says these days he's really improved his stami-----------

SALMONEUS (yelps): Xellen! Here's the final question of the evening.

RONTUARU asks - "Do you see a long life for Xellen?"

XELLEN: As long as Gabrielle is by my side, we will live forever, well maybe not forever in a mortal sense, but in the Elysian Fields we would be together, unless I don't make it to the Fields and she does, then we wouldn't be together anymore and I'd be stuck with Callisto and her "throne" in Tartarus but hey, maybe that wouldn't be so ba------

SALMONEUS: Thank you soooo much for chatting with us tonight! This has been a monumental event for both Universal Chat and all your fans!!!

XELLEN: I'd like to thank everybody who watches the show and helped make it a huge success… And I hope that TPTB let me and Gabrielle be more demonstrative in our love for each other so that we can continue to entertain you throughout the coming years.

SALMONEUS (wipes his brow): Thanks again, Xellen,.....and thanks to all of the Universal Chatters who showed up tonight!!! {{{BIG SIGH}}}

Return to The Bard's Corner