Xena's Kisses

by Lucyfer

GABRIELLE - Aw, come on, Xena, just one... Please?

XENA - Nope!

GABRIELLE - How come?

XENA - Because!

GABRIELLE - Aw, pretty please, with molasses on top?

XENA - Yuck! That's messy, I said no and I mean no!

GABRIELLE - (pouts and mutters to herself) - Just one little kiss, that's all I'm asking for, but nooooooo...... she's says we can't because---

XENA - What's that, Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE - Nothing. (turns to Xena) Just answer me one question, Warrior Princess. How come you get to kiss everybody except me? You even kissed Callisto, for Zeus' sake!!!

XENA - I did not! She kissed me!

GABRIELLE - Are you telling me you didn't like it? Everybody says you two were rolling around on the floor like animals in heat.

XENA - She *dared* m--- (mutters under her breath) That damn Joxer.... (guiltily looks away).


XENA - See what? Why are you so jealous, Gabrielle? You know I love you.

GABRIELLE - Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Like my sister, right?

XENA - No!

GABRIELLE - (confused) Like my mother?

XENA - Heavens, NO!!! I love you like my *family*.

GABRIELLE - But not like a sister or a mother. Uh huh. Okay, how about when you kissed Lao Ma?

XENA - Well, that was different, she was giving me oxygen so I wouldn't drown.

GABRIELLE - Are you saying you didn't enjoy that either, Xena?

XENA - I didn't say that. (looks off in the distance dreaming about her past).

GABRIELLE - Well, what about Rafe?

XENA - Rafe? You're not jealous of *him*, are you?

GABRIELLE - Well, you kissed him and not me.....

XENA - I did not kiss him, he kissed *me*.

GABRIELLE - Okay, what about Draco?

XENA - Draco?! I haven't seen him in ages.

GABRIELLE - Yeah, but the last time you saw him, you kissed him for a very long time. I counted 119 sheep while you two gave each other tonsillectomies.

XENA - That was Cupid's stupid kid, don't you remember?

GABRIELLE - Whatever. So what about Ares?

XENA - Callisto.


XENA - That was before I met you, for Zeus sake!

GABRIELLE - Hercules?

XENA - Ditto. Hey, wait a minute, didn't *you* kiss Iolaus?

GABRIELLE - (embarrassed) Um, yeah, well.... (pauses) but I didn't get into a hot tub with him.

XENA - Well, *we* did the hot tub thing too, didn't we?

GABRIELLE - Yes, but you didn't disrobe in front of me.

XENA - Hey, I was ev-il back then.

GABRIELLE - So what about Marcus?

XENA - Come on, Gabrielle, a grrl's gotta have at least one past love of her life. And besides, he's dead. You're not jealous of a dead man, are you?

GABRIELLE - Xena, you know dead doesn't mean diddly around here. He could still come back to kiss you..... hey, maybe if *I* died..... No, wait a minute, I *did* die and you didn't exactly kiss me, but.....

XENA - See? There ya go... I kissed you that time plus the other time when *I* came back from the dead.

GABRIELLE - *In* Autolycus' body, remember? Nope, neither instance really counts, Xena, and you know it.

XENA - Hey, I'm doing the best I can.

GABRIELLE - Were you doing the best you could with Ulysses?

XENA - Ugh, do you have to bring up that loser?


XENA - Animal!!! Doesn't count. Before I met you.


XENA - Here we go again (rolls her eyes). For the last time, *nothing* happened at that party for Verkinex!!! I dressed in that seductive, sheer, flowing, red dress just for show. The servant who brought the food and wine was a hell of a lot more sexi.... um.... interesting than Caesar. I drank a lot of wine just to be able to look at his face. All I did was pee all night.

GABRIELLE - Okay, okay, I believe you. I think. But what about Philemon?

XENA - Diana.

GABRIELLE - Miss Artiphys?

XENA - (shrugs) She just got carried away and kissed me.

GABRIELLE - Uh huh. What about Joxer?

XENA - That was Meg!!! But *you* kissed Lunkhead, didn't you?

GABRIELLE - Wrong! He kissed *me*.

XENA - But you kissed Perdypoop, didn't you?

GABRIELLE - Well, he was my husband at the time!

XENA - Yeah, right. So what was your excuse for Petracles?

GABRIELLE - (guiltily looks away) - I don't know, I wanted to see what it was like to kiss a man who kissed you.

XENA - Really? Even way back when?

GABRIELLE - Yeah, Xena, even way back when, actually *before* way back when. Like when I first laid eyes on you.

XENA - Love at first sight? Hmm, I know how that feels (grins).

GABRIELLE - So why do I have to go through a third party? You're right here.

XENA - (suddenly becomes quiet and pensive) Because I'm scared, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE - Scared? Why?

XENA - (looks around furtively and whispers) Well, I might become a "redshirt".

GABRIELLE - You're kidding, right?

XENA - No! Haven't you noticed that all the people you kiss end up dead?

GABRIELLE - No, I didn't notice. They do?

XENA - Yes! (looks around worriedly)

GABRIELLE - (soothingly strokes her hair) Xena, you won't die, I promise. Everybody wants to know about your life. Why do you think I write down all that stuff in the scrolls? Trust me, you won't be offed anytime soon. And it's not just the battles they want to know about, but the personal stuff, too. Like are or aren't we? So.... are we?

XENA - (smiles) Yes! We are.

Xena looks around one last time, then draws Gabrielle close to her in a passionate kiss. Their one kiss rivals the heat of all the other Xena kisses combined.

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