Xena and Lucy Go Shopping

by Lucyfer

Author's Note - This skit was created after my return from the Burbank Xena Convention in January 1998. No harm was intended, it was done in great fun. No fashion sense (or lack thereof) was harmed during the production of this motio.... er.... teleplay.

LUCY: So, what do you think?

XENA: Very nice.

LUCY: "Very nice?" That's all you can say is "very nice"? You said that about the last 7 wedding dresses I tried on.

XENA: Well, Lucy, you do look very nice. Didn't anyone ever tell you, you look good in anything? (mutters under her breath) or nothing at all. (to Lucy) I believe the exact words were "Drop dead gorgeous!!!"

LUCY: (hesitates) Well, yeah, but I was hoping to get more feedback than "very nice". (Lucy tries on yet another wedding gown).

XENA: Well, you should have dragged Gabrielle along instead. She likes this shopping thing a lot more than I do.

LUCY: But I think you have more discernment for fashion than she does. That BGSB has *got* to go.

XENA: Hmm, I don't know (daydreaming about Gabrielle's abs). It's shrinking, so it does have some appeal. But what makes you think I have more fashion sense? I wear one outfit. Armour on - armour off, chakram on - chakram off, sword in - sword out. That's it. You know....accessories.

LUCY: (laughs) Tell me about it. (she tries on another dress). How about this one?

XENA: Very n---....um, it's beautiful. You look great.

LUCY: (disappointed) You find it invidious.

XENA: Invid----what? Never mind. I think you look great in it! How many dinars?

LUCY: Too many. (She puts the dress back on the rack and tries on another one). Well?

XENA: Very nice.

LUCY: You could at least be civil about it, Warrior Princess!!!

XENA (affecting enthusiasm) - It's gorgeous, Lucy! It's so lacy, with such nice pearls, it's so----, so----, so---- white! (going back to her naturally low voice). Is that what you mean?

LUCY: Okay, I'll take this one. Now we have to procure something for the honeymoon.

They stop at the Marianne shop in The Galleria.

LUCY: (holding up a striped shirt) How about this shirt?

XENA: Umm, nah. It clashes with your eyes.

LUCY: My eyes? What do you mean?

XENA: Nothing. Just keep looking.

LUCY: (she holds up a striped jean shirt) - What about this one?

Xena ignores her and pretends to be shopping for herself while whistling "Dixie".

Lucy puts the striped jean shirt back on the rack and finds yet another striped shirt, this time with different colours.

LUCY: (excitedly) Hey, Xena! How about this one? It's viscerally appealing, don't ya think!!!

XENA: Um, Lucy, come 'ere. (she puts her arm around Lucy's shoulder). Forget that, how about this nice basic black shirt. It's plain, it's simple, it'll go with anything. It even matches your eyes.

LUCY: My eyes? What do you mean?

XENA: Never mind. Trust me, on your honeymoon, you won't be wearing clothes for very long anyway. Just go with the black shirt, okay?

LUCY: (indignant) But it's so----, so----, so----, caliginous!

XENA: Huh?!?! Uh, yeah, whatever, but believe me, it's better.

LUCY: I don't know, Xena.

XENA: All right, then, go back to the Dead.

LUCY: A Dead t-shirt? And jeans? All right!!! Works for me. I hate shopping.

XENA: Yeah, me too. Let's go.

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