This, ahem, "story" contains profanity not to mention some very bad linguistics so if that sort of thing bothers you, well... READ IT ANYWAY!
With sincere apologies to Gary Cooper.
(Well pardners, the big day has finally arrived. The long awaited marriage between Sheriff Xena and the schoolmarm, Gabrielle, is about to take place. And no, this ain't Hawaii.)
Preacher: And by the power invested in me by tha great state of Texas, I now pronounce you...you...(To Gabrielle): Ahm sorry, ma'am but which of you'uns is the husbin and which is the wife?
Gabrielle (Snorts): Well duuu-uh! Jes' look at us. Cain't cha tell?
Preacher: Ahm sorry, ma'am. Ah now pronounce ya'll uh...uhhh...(Scratches head.) uh... married! You kin kiss the bride now.
(Xena lays humongous smootch on Gabrielle.)
Clem: Ah shore hate to see tha sharraf go.
Slim: Yeeep. Ya don't see many sharrafs that purdy.
Clem: What ahm gonna miss is seein' him use that big knife and that round whizzin' thang.
Slim: Yeeep. Shore beats six shooters.
Preacher: Congratulations, sheriff.
Xena: Thank ya, pardner. Listen folks, I hate ta run off like this but me 'n the missus here haf ta be a goin'. Ya'll kin do without a sheriff till tomorrow, cain't cha?
Preacher: Why shore, sheriff. Ya'll jes' run along and don't worry about a thang.
(Excited citizen bursts into the room.)
Citizen: Sharraf, sharraf!
Xena: What is it, Orville?
Orville: Sharraf, we jest got tha word. Draco's been let out of prison.
Orville: An' that ain't all, sharraf. He's a comin' here on the noon train.
(Everyone looks at the clock. Clock reads 4:30. Clock has read 4:30 for twenty years. Clock is busted.)
Xena: Ahm a stayin'.
Preacher: No, sheriff, you and your bride go on and git out while you can. Draco won't cause no trouble if'n you ain't here.)
Xena: Naw. I gotta stay and organize a posse.
Gabrielle: A what?
Xena: A posse. You know, deputize fellers to hep me.
Gabrielle (blushes): Oh. I thought you were talkin' about somethin' else.
Xena: Now, Gabrielle, this is a family parody. (Turns to crowd.) Who wants ta hep me deal with Draco and his gang? Hey, where did ever' body go?
(Crowd has vamoosed.)
Xena: Chickenshit extras.
Gabrielle: Xena, ya gotta leave town. Ya know Draco's gonna come a gunnin' for ya. Let's skedaddle while we can.
Xena: Now don't worry your purdy little haid. I took care of Draco once before and I'll do it agin if'n he starts trouble.
Gabrielle: Well ahm not gonna stay around here and watch you git filled full of lead.
Tex Ritter: Dew not forsake me oh m'darlin'. On this our weddin' day...
Gabrielle: Did you hear somebody singing?
Xena: Nah. It's jest tha wind.
Gabrielle (pulls out her hourglass.): Xena, it's 'leven fifteen.
Xena: Ah know. Look, ya'll stay here. Ah gotta find mah deputy.
Gabrielle: Ah don't thank you can count on too much hep from him. He didn't take too kindly to his demotion.
Xena: Well, is warn't mah fault he wuz gittin' whupped up in tha ratin's by us.
Gabrielle: Xena, don't go.
Xena: Gabrielle, I gotta do my dooty. It's the code of the west. All us law (persons) gotta make thangs safe fer...fer...(pulls out script) GAWD! Who the hell wrote this damn thing anyway? This accent is killing me.
Renee: He wouldn't know a Texas accent if it fell on him.
Lucy: So who is this idiot?
Renee (hand to face, whispering): You know, that one guy.
Renee: You know, the one that had us...(whispers in Lucy's ear)
Lucy: Oh, gawd no. Not him.
Renee: 'Fraid so.
Lucy: First it was baseball, then it was football, then he put us on that bloody pirate ship. Now this! Can't MCA sue his ass or something? Next thing you know, he'll be putting us in an episode of "Dragnet".
Author: Hmmm. Now there's an idea.
Renee: Sorry, Luce, there's dozens of 'em doing this sort of thing.
Lucy: Yeah, but most of them can write. This guy makes Sherwood Schwartz look like Ernest Hemingway. Arrrggghhh, can't we confiscate his PC or blow up his ISP or something?
Renee: Lucy, there's such a thing as the first amendment, you know.
Lucy: You blasted Yanks and your bloody amendments!
Renee: Hey! Let me tell you something, missy. (insert background music: "My Country Tis of Thee" here) If it wasn't for us "blasted Yanks" you Kiwis would be flying the Rising Sun or the Hammer and Sickle instead of your flag on those damn yachts of yours.
Lucy (smirking): Hah, so that's it. A little sensitive about that, are we? You know, if we keep winning that thing we are going to have rename it the New Zealand cup.
Renee (snarling): Well at least we didn't let some aborigine use if for an anvil. And, besides, ya'll cheated.
(Lucy and Renee stand toe to toe.)
Lucy: Did not.
Renee: Did too.
Lucy: Did not did not did not.
Renee: Did too did too did too. Grrrr, put up your dukes, "princess".
Lucy: Tut tut, pugilism is uncouth.
Renee: Yeahhh riight. No wonder we kicked you out of ANZUS, who wants to be allied with pansies? (Author's Note: This smart ass remark applies only to NZ, not those cool Aussies. Hey, I know which side my bread is buttered on.)
(Is this the end of a beautiful friendship? Will our heroines' rapport be dashed to bits on the jagged rocks of nationalism?.......Nah.)
(Lucy and Renee look at each other and burst out laughing.)
Renee: Had ya'll worried there, didn't we?
Lucy: (Looks at script and sighs): I suppose we ought to get this bloody abomination over with.
Renee: Atta girl. I'll buy you a Foster's after we're done.
Xena: Ah'll be rat back. Gotta see mah deputy.
Gabrielle: Be careful.
(Xena steps out into the street.)
Tex Ritter: Whut will I dew if ya leave me? Dew not forsake me oh m'darlin'...
(Xena walks down the street. Clock on town hall reads 8:15. Clock has read 8:15 for ten years. Clock is not busted. Nobody can figure out how to wind the darn thing. Xena walks in the Red Dog Saloon and finds Hercules sitting at a table in the corner. Old Herc is not feeling too much pain right now.)
Xena: Hercules, have ya heard Draco is a comin'?
Hercules: Shurrr, I heard he was on his way. (hic) An' I 'spose you want me to help you, huh?
Xena: Well, after all, you are mah deputy.
Hercules: I ain't nobody's deputy! (Sniffs) I used to be somebody around here. I had a highly rated TV show, people loved me, I even made a movie. Times were good. Then (hic) YOU came along. You and your legs that go on forever and your big bazooms and your cute little sidekick and your better storylines...
Xena: Ah never meant to hurt ya, Herc.
Hercules: ...and your gorgeous smile--well you did! Look at me now, reduced to cameos in (hic) inane parodies. And poor Iolaus there, what about him? Just look at him.
(A filthy and unshaven Iolaus is at the bar, cleaning out spitoons with a toothbrush.)
Xena: Herc, ah'll speak ta Rob. He can surely find ya'll something.
Hercules: Oh sure.(hic) What? Another "Spy Game"? That traitor! I made your "partner" what he is today and how did that rat repay me? He sabotages my show for some gal that's not even an Uhmarican.
Xena: You mean, American, don't you?
Hercules: Thass what I said, Uhmarican. Look, you want Draco you get him yourself. I'm (hic) I'm not gonna help you.
Xena: Ahm shore sorry to hear that, Herc. I thought we wuz amigos.
Hercules: Well, we ain't.
Note to Hercules:TLJ fans: Don't get bent out of shape over this. Lloyd Bridges backed out on me at the last minute and I had to get SOMEBODY to play the deputy. None of this stuff is anything like wishful thinking on my part. I think the Big Guy is the greatest. (Well, second greatest.)
(Xena looks at clock behind the bar. Clock reads 3:10.)
Barkeep: Time for the train to Yuma.
Xena: That's a different story, stupid. You remember, Glenn Ford and Van Heflin?
Barkeep: Oh, yeah. Sorry sharraf.
Xena: Say, what time is it really?
Barkeep (looks at watch): The big hand is on tha eight and the little hand's batween tha 'leven and tha twelve.
Xena (counting on fingers): Eleven forty.
Barkeep (leans over whispering): Say, sharraf, could ya larn me how ta read this thang? That's if'n ya live, I mean.
(Xena grabs him by the nose and twists it.)
Xena: Nobody likes a smart aleck. 'Specially me.
Barkeep: I didn't mean no offense.
(Xena takes one last look at Herc before leaving saloon. Herc is trying to trade his gauntlets to the barkeep for a drink. Xena shakes head sadly. She steps out into the street and recreates famous scene where camera pulls way back while she walks up the street all alone.)
Tex Ritter: Although I'm grievin', I cain't be leavin', until I stab ol' Draco dead...
(Brave kid runs out into the street and offers to help Xena. Xena pats him on the head and gives him her autograph.)
(Xena walks back down the street to where Gabrielle is standing.)
Gabrielle: Xena, we still have time to git outta here.
Xena: Gabrielle, I cain't.
Gabrielle: But why? You don't owe this ungrateful town nothin'.
Xena: I gotta do my job.
Gabrielle (checks hourglass): Xena, it's 'leven fifty.
Xena: Darlin', you go back to mah office until this is over.
Gabrielle: But whut if you git killed?
Xena: Then you won't have to worry about goin' to any conventions, will you?
(Xena hugs Gabrielle and walks toward railroad depot. At the edge of town she stops where she can have a good view of the depot and not be seen. Xena sees three men hanging around the depot--Draco's gang!)
(Ten minutes later...)
Train: Wooooh! Woo...woooooooooh!
(Train pulls into depot and Xena sees Draco get off the train. Draco's gang runs to meet him. She sees them give him his six shooter. They all check their guns and turn to walk into town. Xena slips down back alley and waits for Draco and his gang to pass by.)
(Draco and his gang turn to face our heroine.)
Xena (begins laughing hysterically): That's (Laughs.) yer gang? Ohhh, Margaret!
(Draco's "gang" consists of Joxer, Hower, and Salmoneus.)
Draco (whining): Well, this is all the castin' department had available.
Joxer: Hey, Xena, you're lookin' at three mighty bad hombres here.
Xena (still laughing): Yeah, bad is the word all right.
Draco: 'Nuff of this. Xena, I spent five long years in the big house on account a you. Ah swore ah'd git mah revenge.
Xena: Give it yer best shot, doofus.
Draco: Git 'er boys!
(Joxer draws his shootin' arn and blows off his own big toe.)
(Hower draws his piece but his hands are greasy from eating pigs knuckles and he loses his grip. The gun flies up in the air and conks him on the head and knocks him out cold. Salmoneus, meanwhile, chickens out and begins running full speed back toward the depot.)
Salmoneus: Quick! Give me a one way ticket to the north pole!
Xena: Weell. Looks like jes' you an' me now, pardner.
(Draco draws his six shooter and empties it at Xena. She easily deflects the bullets with her sword.)
Xena: Ya missed me, deadeye.
(Draco takes off running up the street and ducks into an alley. Xena loses him and begins to seach the shops lining the street.)
(Draco emerges from the sheriff's office using Gabrielle as a human shield.)
Draco: Put the sword down, sharraf.
(Xena drops sword.)
Draco: Now, ah' m a gonna git on the next stage outta here and to make shore nobody causes any trouble ah'm a takin' the schoolmarm with me.
Gabrielle: That's whut you think, sucker!
(Gabrielle raises her arm and Draco gets a good whiff of her armpit, momentarily stunning him. Gabrielle stomps him on the toe and ducks.)
Gabrielle: Now, Xena!
(Xena plants her chakram in Draco's chest.) (Eeeewww!)
Draco: Gaaak! Ya got me. Ah'm a headin fer the last....holdup.
(Draco kicks the bucket.)
Gabrielle: Good thing I fergot mah deodorant this mornin'.
Clem: That round whizzin' thang gits 'em ever' time.
Clem: Bless ya. (Okay okay, so it's an old gag.)
(Xena and Gabrielle hug in the middle of the street. Brave kid drives up in their chariot. Xena jerks off her badge and disdainfully throws in into the dirt. She pats the brave kid on the head and gives him two convention tickets. She and Gabrielle drive out of town.)
Tex Ritter: Dew not forsake me, oh m'darlin',
On this our weddin' dayyyy,
Dew not forsake me, oh m'darlin',
Although I'm grievin', I cain't be leavin',
Until I stab ol' Draco dead.
Way alooong, way alooong,
Way alooong, way...
Townspeople: AWW SHADDUP!
Lucy and Renee: Thank God!
The Bard's Corner