Buccaneer Xena

by L.Fox

Author's Note: If parodies seem to the reader to go off on too many tangents sometimes, bear in mind a quote from Bob Clampett's 1938 Warner Bros. cartoon classic "Porky in Wackyland". Upon reaching the outskirts of Wackyland, in search of the Dodo, Porky Pig encounters a sign which literally reads itself, saying: "IT CAN HAPPEN HERE!". Friends, if it can happen in Wackyland, why not the Xenaverse? So just hop on for the ride and I hope you have some fun with it.

Opening Promo: Xena must fight (again) to save Gabrielle from evil men who will butcher anything, including the King's English, to satisfy their lust for gold.

(Opening scene: Xena and Gabrielle are sitting under a coconut tree on a deserted island. Time: 1698 Place: The Spanish Main)

Gabrielle: Well, Xena, they did it to us, again. Wrong time. Wrong place. I don't know about you but I am getting sick of this.

Xena: Calm down, Gabrielle, this foolishness has to end some time.

Gabrielle: Maybe, but if we keep going AWOL, Renaissance Pictures is going to give us the old heave- ho.

Xena (smiling wickedly): Not as long as my "partner" is in charge.

Gabrielle: Oh yeah. Talk about job security. Xena?

Xena: Yes?

Gabrielle: Do you think that's why we are passing Hercules:TLJ in the ratings? Is it because your "partner" is routing all the good stuff over to us at XWP?

Xena (feigning shock): Why, Gabrielle, I'm surprised at you. It's just because we are better actors, that's all.

Gabrielle: If you say so.

(A coconut falls out of the tree and conks Gabrielle in the head.)

Gabrielle: Oww! Xena, why is it I'm the one who is always the victim in these sight gags? How come you never get whacked with anything?

Xena: Let me explain this to you again. Meee star, youuu sidekick, remember?

Gabrielle (rubbing her head): Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Gabrielle jumps up and begins walking down the beach.)

Xena: Hey! Where are you going?

Gabrielle: For a walk! I mean if that's all right with the "staaaar" (crooks index fingers in the air).

Xena: Sheesh. How touchy can you get?

(Gabrielle walks about a mile down the beach and begins to hear singing.)

Unseen voices: Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of ru-um, drink and the Devil have done with the rest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Gabrielle: Hmph. What a stupid song.

(Gabrielle hides behind another coconut tree (uh oh) and watches as a gang of pirates dig a huge hole and throw a treasure chest in it. They are almost finished covering it up when a cocout falls out of the tree and nails Gabrielle on the old cranium.)

Gabrielle: Owww! Damn it! (Puts hand to mouth.) Oops.

Israel Feet: Arrrr. Me thinks I hears a spy, mateys.

(Pirates begin rushing toward Gabby.)

Gabrielle: I've got a bad feeling about this.

(The pirates surround Gabrielle. She readies her staff to "disperse these ruffians" but she is bombed by another coconut.)

Gabrielle: Owwww! What the [CENSORED] is going on around here?

(Pirates grab Gabrielle.)

Gabrielle: Wait til my friend hears about this. Boy, are you guys going to be sorry.

Israel: Take this lubber back to the ship. The cap'n will figger out what to do with 'em.

Gabrielle: XENAAAAA!

(Roll opening credits)

TITLE: Buccaneer Xena (or Gabby Walks the Plank)

Guest Star: Robert Newton

Written and Directed by: If you think I am going to own up to this mess, you're nuts.

(Scene opens with Xena following Gabrielle's footprints down the beach.)

Xena: I wish she didn't get so grouchy. I mean, is it my fault that I'm the fantasy (hubba hubba) of every man in the free world? (Note: To keep Lucy out of hot water her omission of the "alternative" contingent not to mention everyone living in a totalitarian state was my goof- not hers. I mean- like Lucy could do something wrong.)

(Xena finds Gabrelle's staff lying on the beach surrounded by lots of footprints. She looks out to sea and spots a ship anchored off the reef. With her telescopic vision...Oops. Sorry, wrong super hero...with her keen eyesight Xena sees Gabrielle being hoisted on board the ship.)

Xena: Boy, are you guys going to be sorry.

(Xena runs into the surf and begins to swim out to the ship. Soon she is met by- aw what the hell, why not- FLIPPER who pulls her the rest of the way out to the ship.

Xena: Thanks, Flip, I hope your next movie is a hit.

(Xena finds required rope conveniently dangling over the side of the ship. She shinnies up the rope and quietly slinks on board. Meanwhile...)

Gabrielle: What are you guys mad at me for? I didn't do anything.

Captain Kidder: Ye saw where we stashed our treasure. That means death to ye.

Gabrielle: But I won't tell anyone- I promise.

Captain: 'Course ye won't. Dead men tell no tales.

Gabrielle: Hey! I'm not a man. What's the matter with you? You been at sea too long?

Israel: Blimey, cap'n! It's a bloody bird!

Gabrielle: A what?

Captain: That's girl to you, matey.

Gabrielle: Sooo that means you are not going to kill me?

Captain: It means I'm gonna revise me line. Dead women tell no tales.

Gabrielle: Yikes!

Bucktooth Pirate: How says ye cap'n? Does she walk the plank or no?

Captain: Arrrr. She walks the plank.

Crew: Yaaaayy!

Gabrielle: Where's Errol Flynn when you need him?

(The pirates tie Gabby's hands, blindfold her, and force her out on the plank. Below several sharks circle in greedy anticipation. Short Pete Silver pokes Gabby in the butt with his cutlass.)

Gabrielle: Oww! Watch it with that thing, will you? By the gods, I hope my insurance premiums are paid up.

Short Pete: She sure is gabby, ain't she, fellers?

Gabrielle: Hey! Don't call me Gabby. It's Gabrielle, you moron.

Bucktooth: Gary Bell? I thought he pitched for the Indians and a few other clubs.

Captain: Tut, tut Smithers, you are obviously not lucid. I mean...ahem...arrr, Smitty, you need to warsh them ears more often.

Israel: Cut the yakkin' and git on with it.

Short Pete: Righto! (To Gabrielle) Next stop for you...Davey Jones' locker.

Xena: WAR CRY!! (Note: I don't know how to spell it. Lucy says it's not IYIYIYIYI etc.)

(Xena somersaults off the poop deck and lands in the middle of the pirates. She proceeds to mop up the floor- I mean swab the deck with the evil miscreants.)

Xena: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Take this, evil miscreants.

(All but the captain are punched out. Xena rescues Gabrielle from the plank. Sharks are pissed.)

Gabrielle: Xena, it's you!

Xena: You were expecting maybe Douglas Fairbanks?

Gabrielle: Errol Flynn, actually.

(Xena and Gabrielle begin to lower the long boat. The captain sneaks up on them and levels a blunderbuss at them.)

Captain: Not so fast, me buckos. I've got a preposition for ye.

Gabrielle: You mean a proposition, don't you.

Captain: I mean a preposition. To...by...for, get it?

Gabrielle: Oh, brother.

Captain: Just me little joke. Say, how about you two goin' in cahoots with us?

Xena: After what just happened here?

Captain: I like yer style, matey. I'm willin' to let bygones be bygones. Whaddaya say? Let's be pals.

Xena: Weeeeel.

Gabrielle: Xena, these men are evil predators who prey on defenseless ships. They murder, pillage, and are generally not very nice.

Captain: Arrrr. A feller has to make a livin' ya know.

Xena: Gabrielle, if I say no, the story is over.


Xena: Don't be such a wimp. Let's see what happens.

Gabrielle: &#@!(%*#$#@+%!

(The pirates start to wake up.)

Captain: If you join me crew, you can be me first mate.

Gabrielle: It's not her problem you can't get....you know.

Captain: Is she always this loopy?

Xena (sighs): 'Fraid so.

Gabrielle: I wonder if I can break my contract. Disney is starting to look better all the time.

Short Pete: Blimey cap'n, what happened?

Captain: The big one 'ere made mince meat out of the lot of ye, Short Pete.

Gabrielle: I know I'm gonna regret this, but why do they call you Short Pete? I mean you are not that short.

Captain (grinning): You've never seen 'im with his breeches off, now 'ave ye?

Short Pete: Aye, tis true, tis too true. Me brother Long John got all the best of it in that regard.

Crew: HAR! HAR! HAR!

Gabrielle (smacks herself in the forehead): I had to ask. I had to ask.

Xena: Well, Gabrielle, it looks like we are stuck here. So we might as well make the best of it. Okay, captain, we will join your crew- on one condition: we don't kill anyone, nobody touches Gabrielle, and when we decide to quit you won't try to stop us. Otherwise, it's no soap.

Captain: I know I didn't git much schoolin' but even I know thems three conditions. And thar ain't no soap anyhow.

Gabrielle (wrinkling her nose): What a surprise.

Xena: Take it or leave it.

Captain: Arrrr. I'll take it. (to crew) Listen up me lads! We got us some new members. I want ye to give a hearty welcome to Xena and her sidekick, Gabrielle.


Captain: Hoist up the Jolly Roger, me lads. We're gonna do some big time lootin'.

Bucktooth: Gary Bell? I thought he...

Gabrielle: STOW IT, BUCKY!

Xena: Well blow me down.

(Xena and Gabrielle spend two magical weeks cruising the Caribbean on board the Royal Caribbean cruise lines - oops...sorry. Xena and Gabrielle join Captain Kidder on his ship, the "Gloomy Gus", sailing the Spanish Main. True to his word, the captain and his men raid ships but do not hurt anyone. How, you ask? Xena merely uses her chakram to cut the ropes holding the ships' sails and they drop down on the crew, rendering them helpless.)

Captain: I say old chaps, the last fortnight has been a most lucrative endeavor.

Short Pete: What?

Captain: I uh, I mean... arrr mateys, we'ver raked in enough loot in the last two weeks to sink Cuba.

Lookout: Ahoy, Cap'n! A ship, two points off the port bow.

Gabrielle: Another victim! Yesss. Grrrr, let's take the scurvy dogs for all they've got. Batten down the hatches. Them that dies will be the lucky ones!

Xena: Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: Hoist the main sail...

Xena: Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: Trim the jib...

Xena (grabs Gabby by the ear): GABRIELLE!

Gabrielle: Owww. Whaaaat?

Xena: Listen to yourself. You sound like Yosemite Sam.

Gabrielle: Who?

Xena: Skip it, just calm down.

Gabrielle: Sorry, this pirating stuff kind of grows on you.

(Meanwhile, Captain Kidder has been studying the ship on his radar screen- I mean- through his spy glass and he does not like what he sees.)

Captain: That's no treasure ship, me lads. That's the "Brazen Hussy".

Crew: GASP!

Xena: Who is that?

Captain: It's a pirate ship. It's master is me greatest rival, Captain D.

Gabrielle: This is a joke, right?

Captain: Aye lass, and a very lame one I might add.

Author: You know, captain, any more bilge out of you and I might have to bump you off and make Xena the big cheese. How would you like them apples?

Captain: As I was sayin', 'tis a very clever jest if ye ask me.

Author: Uh huh. That's better.

Xena: Who are you talking to?

Captain: Me boss. Anyway, this Captain D swab is the vilest, meanest bloke on the seven seas. He's so mean he pawned his dear old mum's crutch to buy a bottle of rum.

Gabrielle: Now that's mean.

Captain: The swab and I used to be pals until he put the double cross on me. He sent word to the Royal Navy about me hideout. If I hadn't been quick about it I would be hangin' from a yardarm in Portsmouth. I swore if I ever saw the son of a sea dog agin I'd blast 'im to Davey Jones' locker. And now's me chance.

Xena: I'm sorry captain, this is where Gabrielle and I get off.

Captain: Yer not goin' to jump ship on me now are ye? Yer me best man- I mean sailor.

Xena (reverts to her Kiwi accent): We have to be getting back home. I have got another one of those bloody conventions coming up, my good man. Got to mollify the public, you know. I just hope there aren't too many wackos at this one.

Gabrielle (whispering): Lucy, pay attention.

Lucy: Sorry, I get mixed up sometimes.

Captain: I know all about them conventions. At our last meetin' of the Pirate's Guild, some lubbers showed up in pajamas and carrying big sticks. Said they was from Pittsburgh, wherever that is. We took care of them fellers.

Gabrielle: What did you do?

Captain: We keeled hauled 'em, Matey. We hates swabs that give piratin' a bad name.

Gabrielle: Blimey!

Xena: Captain, you can just let us off over there on that stretch of beach.

Captain: Arrrr. A promise is a promise, I reckon.

The captain lets our heroes off on the beach. Xena and Gabrielle walk a short distance inland and find a huge sign that reads "Come to Universal Studios, Orlando, Florida now featuring Xena: Warrior Princess.

Gabrielle: What a ripoff!

Xena: Now, Gabrielle, Universal has to cash in us while we are hot. After all, who knows when some writer or producer might go too far overboard with this "subtext" stuff and sink us like the "Titanic"?

Gabrielle: The what?

Xena: Skip it.

(A coconut falls out of a tree and bops Gabrielle on the head.)

Gabrielle (shaking fist at the sky): Look, you SOB, this gag is wearing mighty thin.

Xena: Honestly, your language is getting atrocious.

Gabrielle: Oh yeah? Well &$#@)!@%^$*# you, Warrior Princess.

(A coconut falls out of the tree and hits Xena on the old noggin.)

Gabrielle: AHHH, HA HA HA HA HA!

Xena: Well blow me down.

(Xena and Gabrielle hug and walk arm in arm.)

Xena: Sorry, Gabs.

Gabrielle: Me too. Xena?

Xena: Yeah?

Gabrielle: You don't have any Excedrin on you, do you?

Xena (laughs): No, Gabby.

(Cut to Callisto sitting in top of the coconut tree, giggling maniacally and tossing coconut up and down in her hand.)

(Fade to black)

Promo for next week: Xena meets an old, and we do mean old, adversary. A reincarnated general out to capture an ancient land. Next time on Xena.

(Roll credits)

Production Crew: Same old guys.

Israel Feet............ Bluto
Short Pete..............John Wayne Bobbit
Bucktooth Sailor....Zero

Even though she was repeatedly hit on the head , Gabrielle was not harmed in the production of this parody. The sharks, however, died of malnutrition.

The Bard's Corner