Characters and backstory from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of MCA/Universal/Renaissance. No copyright infringement is intended.
This is an original (I hope) work of alternative fan fiction. No profit will be gained from its production. This piece of fiction is copyright of the author.
There are depictions of love/sex between consenting adult persons of the same gender. If this is illegal where you live, you are underage, or this isn't your preference, then stop reading here and find something more appropriate to your tastes and/or laws.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Author's Note: This is my first attempt at a skit. I hope I did it right. A big thanks to Felioness for helping me.
Comments can be sent to email@example.com
Irritating Can Be Good
Copyright July 5, 1998
OPEN ON: Interior of Hades' throne room. The lighting is low and somber, and the God of the Underworld is seated upon his high-backed throne, gnawing on the knuckles of his left hand. A young woman with blondish/reddish hair (depending on the light and the hairdressers' moods) and bluish/greenish eyes (depending on the light and her own mood), is bouncing cheerfully, walking back and forth in front of the god. Her hands are waving in erratic/dramatic motions (depending on the situation and whether or not someone is about to be killed).
GABRIELLE <brightly>: Have I told you about the story where Xena defeated the elite of the Persian advance army to save Athens?
HADES <as if in pain>: Twice.
GABRIELLE <even more brighter>: How about when Xena returned the Titans to their prison of stone?
HADES <sotto>: When will this end?
ZOOM ON: Hades' face, contorted in an expression of desultory gloom (even more than usual for a god of death).
PAN OUT TO: Gabrielle pulling her pan flute out of her bag. Bag also contains all the costumes she wore for first three seasons, including silk robes from Chin (or China or Ch'in), outfit she wore when she posed as Xena's sponsor for the Miss Known World Beauty Pageant, Egyptian ensemble, and season one outfit that extra stole for Sacrifice (pink nightie still in wardrobe being restored).
GABRIELLE: Hey, you are going to love this one. <plays music which sounds amazingly like "Pop! Goes the Weasel.">
HADES <mumbling>: Oh, for the love of my brother...or...<blushes> oh, Tartarus...this is ancient Greece.
GABRIELLE <eyes lit in excitement>: Remember the story about the Mystic Diamond, and how I was obsessed with myself? I wrote a song about it...and it goes something like this... (author claims no prior knowledge of "In Living Color" skit).
Well, listen to my story 'bout Gabrielle,
A cute little gal whose looking really swell...
HADES <battling blonde-wigged fish armed with bent nails>: Stop, stop...make them go away!
PAN OUT TO: Gabrielle grabbing her staff (which miraculously fell into the fiery chasm/pit/subterranean river of lava after her). She begins to beat off the fish and knocks them back into the River Styx. Several Athenian soldiers and Horde savages (who are STILL floating down-river) wave their thanks as they begin to prepare sushi for their dinner. They are joined at some point by a frightfully cheery Callisto (as the Jester) who can't think of any words that rhyme with Aphrodite, and has left the world of Illusia to seek out a dictionary.
HADES <catching his breath>: Thank you.
GABRIELLE <with a cute little shrug>: No problem. You know...I learned how to do that from Xena. She taught me through so many examples about the greater good (remembers the Horde who floated past). Why, did I ever tell you the time that she was ready to sacrifice herself to the blood-lusting beast within her soul just so that she could save an Athenian outpost?
HADES <sobbing>: I have heard every story you have written about her for the past three years.
GABRIELLE <disappointed>: Oh. <Face lights in excitement once again. An ethereal glow is cast throughout the throne room. Cerebus crawls away, his three heads tucked and his tail between his legs> How about poetry?
HADES <with a painful squeak>: Help me.
GABRIELLE <dramatically>: Her hands, oh her hands. Her eyes, oh her eyes. A flutter in my chest, but I don't know the rest, 'cause I haven't met the Amazons yet. <pauses to smile at Hades> I know it's kind of simple, but I wrote it before Ephiny explained the facts of life to me. You know...that would make a great story...a young, naive village girl who becomes an Amazon by fate, whose carnal desires are awakened by a tribe of lusty, half-naked warrior women. Yeah.... <Gabrielle wanders over to her bag to extract a scroll and scratches a few notes>
HADES <cradling his head>: Why, why, why? Why did I have to get this job? If I had only known that it would have come to this, I would have paid attention to those swimming lessons, and Poseidon would be here instead.
GABRIELLE <concerned>: Hades, are you all right?
HADES <with a dismissive wave of his hand>: Just fine.
GABRIELLE <so brightly that a chorus of angels led by Seraphin begin to sing>: Okay. How about another Xena story?
HADES <trembling uncontrollably>: I can't take it anymore...I'm going to crack.
GABRIELLE <with shrewd look in her eyes>: If you really feel that way...you can always send me back.
PAN OUT TO: The minions of the seven levels of Tartarus and the souls in the Elysian Fields who have heard everything over a loudspeaker (Gabrielle installed it according to an ancient scroll she had found in a cave); all are on their knees, begging Hades to end their torture.
HADES <with hope...not that Hope...that was Ares>: If I send you back...do you promise to never, never, come back?
GABRIELLE <with a raised brow that rivals Xena's>: I can't promise that. Who knows what trouble I'll have to bail Xena out of this season.
HADES <falling to his knees>: Please, just go.
<fishing for something out of his pocket>
Here...take this card.
CLOSE IN TIGHT ON: The offered card reads "Get out of the Underworld for free. No expiration date. Life-time pass."
GABRIELLE <sincerely>: Oh, how sweet of you. <pats Hades on head>
HADES <stands with renewed godly authority>: According to the power invested in me by my parents who are now giving my brother indigestion, I now pronounce you free to go.
CHANGE SCENE TO: A quiet clearing in which a campfire flickers, throwing dancing shadows across a cream-colored warhorse. The peacefulness is shattered by the wailing of a tall dark woman who is making kindling out of a massive oak.
XENA <with rage>: Damn, damn, damn. I feel so guilty. I should never have let you follow me. I should never have taken that hot tub bath with you. I should never have left you in Britannia. I should never have....
PAN OUT TO: Gabrielle who is creeping as stealthily as her overflowing bag will allow, given the dense underbrush.
XENA <still raging>: I should never have kicked that puppy when I was three. I should never have....
<The warrior's guilty lamentations are silenced by a shrill warcry that sounds an awful lot like a Swiss yodeler>
PAN OUT TO: Gabrielle sitting on Xena's chest while simultaneously removing the warrior's armor and leathers with one hand, and her own BGSB and skirt with the other.
XENA <shocked and disbelieving>: Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE <with a growl as she applies her lips to the warrior's neck to leave one Tartarus of a hickey>: If it wasn't, then I'd be kicking my ass for doing this...and this...and this....
XENA <moaning>: But how?
GABRIELLE <looking over her shoulder as she pulls several exotic toys from her bag>: I guess Hades just can't refuse to help a sweet little girl like me.
XENA <gasping as she climaxes twice in as many seconds>: Gods, it must be you...only you know exactly where to touch me. You are my soulmate/bondmate/girlfriend/partner.
GABRIELLE <amused>: You are supposed to say soulmate-slash-bondmate-slash-girlfriend-slash-partner.
XENA <understanding>: Oh...okay.
CUT SCENE TO: Later, as Xena and Gabrielle lie in an inch-deep pool of their own sweat and bodily secretions (not those ones...the ones that make wet dreams wet).
XENA <earnest>: Gabrielle, you can't ever leave me again. I was so lost without you. You are my source, my light, the path I follow for atonement.
GABRIELLE <stubbing out her Virginia Slim (she has come so far, baby)>: Don't worry about it. Hades gave me a free pass out of the Underworld for whenever I die.
XENA <eyes wide with surprise and joy>: Really? Oh, my sweet Gabrielle. <rolls onto Gabrielle for a hug, and then slides off to the other side>
GABRIELLE <chuckling>: Yeah, well, irritating can be good.
CUT SCENE TO: The Underworld where Hades is lying upon a leather, zebra-striped chaise lounge. Psyche, who is catching Cupids arrows absently with one hand, is scribbling notes with the other.
HADES <whining>: I've lost my godly identity, doc. She's just an Amazon Queen/bard/sidekick. How did she emasculate me?
PSYCHE <tossing another arrow into a pile beside her chair>: Don't forget the slashes.
HADES <confused>: Huh?
PSYCHE <shaking head>: Never mind. <sighing> Gabrielle did not actually take away your masculine identity, but her devotion and love for another woman has left you feeling inadequate and therefore, impotent. I suggest that you get over it and wake up. This is Sappho's show, baby, and you're just along for the ride. <looking at her watch> Well, gotta go. Ares needs me now. He's having erotic substitution issues regarding some irritating, and yet, undeniably attractive mortal. That god needs some major time.
PAN OUT TO: Hades alone in his throne room. Cerebus sniffs at the god's crotch, breaking him out of his reverie. When the demonic beast whines to go outside, Hades grumbles and lets the dog out.
AND WE FADE OUT to the rowdy cheers of those in Tartarus and the Elysian Fields.
AUTHOR'S POST NOTE: Okay...I borrowed a couple of things here. The "In Living Color" skit where the old man makes up songs on his guitar <guess that belongs to Keenan/Ivory Way...dunno>. The "Get Out of the Underworld Free" card...think Monopoly and Parker Brothers. Virginia Slims belongs to some big tobacco company <dunno that one either>.
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