DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own Xena or anything to do with her. This is strictly for fun and no infringement is meant. I got the idea a few weeks ago when a certain topic began to surface and create much buzz on the Xena list I subscribe to, as well as in the rest of the Xenaverse. I thought it would be a nifty idea if there was some sort of organization that could meet, allowing members of the Xenaverse and the Xenastaff to discuss their concerns with one another. Plus, if people like it, I can "call another meeting" in the future, should more concerns arise.
Keep in mind that this is, indeed, a parody and a couple of the characters may be seen as extreme stereotypes. This is intentional for the parody, but by no means meant to offend anybody (I don't think it will, but I'd rather have my bases covered!). This is for fun! Remember that!
Small (very small) spoilers are present for Maternal Instincts, The Debt, Forgiven, and Xena's vision.
Thanks for reading. Any feedback is welcome at email@example.com
Okay, here we go. Welcome to the very first
EMERGENCY MEETING OF THE CONCERNED XENITES/CONCERNED XENASTAFF ASSOCIATION FOR A BETTER SHOW --- MEETING #1 (2/1/99)
ATTENDEES Xena: Warrior of Amphipolis...you know her Gabrielle: Bard of Poteidaia...you know her, too Steven Sears: Xenastaff writer Liz Friedman: Xenastaff producer Rob Tapert: Xenastaff creator and producer Georgia: yours truly; lesbian; big fan of both characters; mediator of discussion Xenite Jo: butch lesbian fan; very pro-Xena Xenite Michelle: feminine lesbian fan; very pro-Gabrielle Xenite John: straight male fan Xenite Sarah: straight female fan
FADE UP TO: a small conference room with two conference tables facing each other. Xena, Gabrielle, Liz, Steven, and Rob are seated at one. The Xenites are seated at the other. Georgia is standing between the two at a podium to act as moderator (or is it mediator?).
GEORGIA (addressing both groups): Thank you all for taking the time out of your busy schedules to attend this meeting. As you are probably aware, the world of Xena fandom is experiencing some turmoil right now. We thought the best way to deal with it is to get representatives of the concerned parties to meet with representatives from the show and talk about the situation. Everybody with me?
NODS AND MURMURS OF AGREEMENT FROM ALL
GEORGIA: I believe we have a fair representation of the various Xenites of the world. Okay, who would like to start?
STEVEN SEARS (sighing): This isnıt about the Gabdrag again, is it?
GABRIELLE SWALLOWS HARD AND STUDIES HER HANDS. XENA PURSES HER LIPS AND CONTEMPLATES SOMETHING ON THE CEILING
GEORGIA (wincing): Oh no, no, itıs about --
XENITE JO (mumbling under her breath): She had it coming. Her bitch of a daughter killed Solon.
XENITE MICHELLE (incredulously): Had it coming?!? Nobody has something like that coming! That was abusive, plain and simple.
GEORGIA (trying to maintain order): Ladies, please. This isnıt what we came here to talk....
XENITE JO: Oh come on! Xena was distraught.
XENITE MICHELLE: So she needs to drag somebody around behind a horse?
XENITE JO (standing): Her son was just killed!
XENITE MICHELLE (standing, too): As was Gabrielleıs daughter. By her own hand!
THE XENASTAFF IS WATCHING THIS EXCHANGE WITH AMUSEMENT, AS ARE THE OTHER TWO XENITES. XENA AND GABRIELLE LOOK LIKE THEY WANT TO BE ANYWHERE ELSE. GEORGIA IS FLASHING BACK ON ALL HER COMMUNICATIONS SKILLS, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT EXACTLY HOW SHE LOST CONTROL OF THE MEETING SO DAMNED QUICKLY
XENITE JO: Well, if she wouldıve just done that in the first place, like Xena told her too, none of that mess would have happened and Solon would still be alive.
XENITE MICHELLE: Why is it that weıre all supposed to feel bad for Xena because she lost her son, but nobody is supposed to have any sympathy for Gabrielle, who lost her daughter? After Solonıs death, Xena says Gabrielle isnıt allowed to speak his name. Can we remember that Xena expected Gabrielle to just step aside in that cave so she could slice through the infant Hope she thought was hiding behind the rock? An infant that was *half of the woman she loves*, I might add.
XENA SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY AS GABRIELLE SHOOTS HER A LOOK. THE ROOM IS DEATHLY QUIET.
STEVEN SEARS: Okay, look. This is a touchy subject and weıve gotten a lot of flack (AT THE SOUND OF ROB TAPERT CLEARING HIS THROAT, STEVEN CORRECTS HIMSELF)...Okay, *Iıve* gotten a lot of flack for it, but Xena and Gabrielle have worked it out among themselves and everything is fine now. Letıs move on. Itıs in the past, right girls?
XENA: Um, right. In the past.
GABRIELLE (looking at her hands again): Yup.
GEORGIA (breathing small sigh of relief): Thank you, Steven. All righty, then. Letıs discuss the ---
LIZ FRIEDMAN: Weıre not going to get into the Najara thing again, are we? Cuz Iıve had more than enough of that mess.
GEORGIA (blinks once): Najara thing. Um, no. No, weıre here to express concern ---
XENITE JOHN (licking his lips): Ooo, I like that Najara. Sheıs a babe. Mmm hmm.
ROB TAPERT (sighing): Not as much of a babe as Xena.
XENITE SARAH (rolling her eyes at Xenite John): Ugh. Youıre a pig. She was nothing but trouble.
XENA GRUNTS IN AGREEMENT, THEN LOOKS AROUND IN EMBARRASSMENT, REALIZING SHE ACTUALLY GRUNTED OUT LOUD.
XENITE MICHELLE: Not at first. I mean, she couldıve killed Gabrielle, but she didnıt.
XENITE JO: Thatıs cuz she wanted to fuck her.
SEVERAL PEOPLE GASP. STEVEN SEARS DISSOLVES INTO GIGGLES. XENA GLARES AT HIM.
STEVEN SEARS (shrugging innocently at Xena): Hey, I didnıt write that one.
GEORGIA IS LEANING ON THE PODIUM, HER HEAD IN HER HANDS
XENITE JO (in a high-pitched, sarcastic voice): ³Come on, Gabrielle, letıs go look at the swans.² ³Okay, Najara. I hate riding Argo, but watch me jump right up onto your horse and wrap my arms tightly around your slim, shapely waist.²
GEORGIA (begging): You guys, please. We need to get to the purpose of this --
XENA (to Gabrielle): Yeah, what was that about, anyway? You jumped right on her horse. You hate riding with me.
XENITE JO (to Gabrielle, before she can answer): Yeah, how do you think that made Xena feel?
XENITE MICHELLE (jumping up): Wait! Gabrielle, can I answer this one for you?
GABRIELLE: Since youıve done such a nice job so far, sure. Go ahead.
XENITE MICHELLE (pretending to ponder): How did that make Xena feel? Hmm. Letıs see. Iım sure no worse than, ³You owe somebody so much, that youıre willing to just throw away these last few years?² (NARROWS HER EYES AT XENA) Let me make sure I donıt hesitate even the slightest bit before I answer... ³Yes.²
SHE FACES XENA WITH HER ARMS SPREAD APART IN QUESTION. THE ENTIRE ROOM IS SILENT.
XENITE SARAH (quietly): I wouldıve taken Aresı offer, too.
XENITE JOHN: Me, too.
ROB TAPERT: Me, too.
XENAıS HEAD SNAPS AROUND TO GLARE AT HIM
LIZ FRIEDMAN (nodding): That was a definite ouchie.
XENA LOOKS EXPECTANTLY AT XENITE JO
XENITE JO (at a loss, shrugs): Fraid I canıt help ya on this one, WP. Youıre on your own.
GEORGIA: Although, I will say it would have been nice to see Gabrielle make some sort of *attempt* to save Xena from being executed in Chin, instead of just standing there and watching.
GABRIELLE: Hey! Youıre supposed to be neutral!
XENA WINKS AT GEORGIA, WHO PROMPTLY GOES WEAK IN THE KNEES
XENITE JO: Hey, good point, Georgia. After all, Gabrielle threw herself on top of both Terreis and David when they were going to be killed. (to Gabrielle) Why not Xena, the woman you love?
GABRIELLE: They were innocents!
XENITE SARAH: But you donıt love them. You love Xena!
GABRIELLE: But, she was attempting an assassination! She was caught red-handed!
ROB TAPERT (sighing): And was she not a fox in that body suit?
GEORGIA (covering her eyes): Oh, I donıt believe this.
XENA BUFFS HER FINGERNAILS ON HER LEATHER, CONTENT TO NOT BE THE GUILTY ONE AT THE MOMENT. THE OTHERS CONTINUE TO SHOUT.
LIZ FRIEDMAN (shouting to be heard over the din): Hey, Georgia! Is this what weıre here to discuss?
GEORGIA (emphatically shaking her head and shouting back): No!
LIZ FRIEDMAN: Then, what do you say we regain control of this before they decide to discuss Tara or something?!
GEORGIA : Shit.
GABRIELLE: Yes, letıs talk about Tara.
XENA: Letıs not.
XENITE MICHELLE: You let her beat up Gabrielle and didnıt do a thing about it!
XENA: Oh, please. Beat up! She had a couple scratches.
GABRIELLE: She practically chewed my ear off!!
XENITE JOHN: Not to mention put your staff in the campfire.
XENITE SARAH: And wouldnıt let you sleep next to Xena.
XENA: All right, all right! Can I help it if Tara reminded me of myself at that age? Tough, cute, strong, cute, tough, cute...
GABRIELLE FOLDS HER ARMS ACROSS HER CHEST AND STARES AT XENA WITH RAISED EYEBROWS.
XENITE JO: But Xena did arrange it so you got to kick the shit out of Tara later.
GABRIELLE (muttering): Best part of that episode. Little brat.
ROB TAPERT (dreamily): Xena was so sexy in that one. All motherly-like.
GEORGIA : Oh, for cryinı out loud.
STEVEN SEARS: Hey, I donıt mean to be a party pooper here, but Iıve got a writerıs meeting in twenty minutes. Have we covered the right topics?
GEORGIA (straightening the papers on the podium): Uh, no. Not exactly.
LIZ FRIEDMAN: Well, Iıve got a softball game at 3. Letıs hear it.
THE ROOM WAITS EXPECTANTLY AS GEORGIA SHUFFLES PAPER
GEORGIA: Well, um, itıs kind of like...um...
XENA: Spit it out, George. We donıt have all day.
GEORGIA: Can we just keep in mind that I didnıt call this meeting? Okay? They just made me mediate...er...moderate...um...
XENITE JO (frustrated): For the love of Zeus! Whatıs so bloody important??
GEORGIA (quietly): Gabrielleıs impending haircut.
GABRIELLE (shocked): What?
XENA (glancing at her bracer and abruptly standing): Gee, look at the time.
GABRIELLE (confused): What haircut?
LIZ FRIEDMAN (to Xena): You didnıt tell her, did you?
XENA: I tried. It just wouldnıt come out.
GABRIELLE: Tell me what? What haircut? Michelle? Tell me!
XENITE MICHELLE: Um, in the vision that Xena has, where youıre being crucified? You have...well... short hair.
XENITE JO: Really short.
GABRIELLE (clutching at her hair): Ack! Steven! Youıre making me butch?
STEVEN SEARS (holding up his hands in self-defense): I didnıt write that one! (glances at Rob) Did I?
ROB SHRUGS, CLUELESS
GABRIELLE: Rob? Not my golden fleece! Please?
XENITE MICHELLE (trying to help): Itıs a cute cut. (mumbling) Of course, you could be bald and I wouldnıt throw you out of bed.
ROB TAPERT (sighing): Xena would look so sexy with short hair.
GABRIELLE (grasping desperately at Xena): Xena? Honey, please? Not my hair. Please?
XENA (sternly): I thought you didnıt believe in my vision.
GABRIELLE (swallows hard): Oh. Well. Uh...
GEORGIA: Uh oh. (gathering papers together quickly) Okay, gang. Thanks for your time. Hate to cut things short, but...things to do, places to go, people to see. You know how it is.
XENA (in a high-pitched, sarcastic voice): Xena, I donıt believe in your vision. I canıt afford to.ı (normal voice) So, if I had mentioned your little crew cut, maybe you would have had a little more faith?
THE ENTIRE ROOM IS RAPIDLY CLEARING, XENITES AND XENASTAFF ALIKE CLAMBERING OVER ONE ANOTHER TO ESCAPE THE IMMINENT QUARREL, LEAVING XENA AND GABRIELLE TO HASH IT OUT.
GABRIELLE (aghast): Now itıs a crew cut?!?! Oh gods!!
FADE TO BLACK