by Lucyfer

This is a bit of silliness I wrote after watching the first 2 episodes of the 4th season. There are major spoilers for AITST I & II. No evil eyeliner was removed during the making of this skit.


GABRIELLE - So what did you do while I was gone?

XENA - A lot, but I don't really want to talk about it.

GABRIELLE - Aw, come on, Xena, I thought you tell me everything now.

XENA - Well, I don't know...

GABRIELLE - No more secrets, remember?

XENA - You sure you want to hear this?

GABRIELLE - Don't be silly, I want to hear everything.

XENA - Well, okay.

[Xena clears her throat]

XENA - Okay, here goes. [takes a deep breath] I talked to Hades, killed a deer, danced in the rain, killed a horse, drank some blood, humped Borias, got preg---

GABRIELLE - Wait a minute! You killed a horse?

XENA - Don't worry, it wasn't Argo. She's fine.

GABRIELLE - That's not the point. Why did you kill a horse?

XENA - For the blood. So then I met an evil shamaness and---

GABRIELLE - The blood?

XENA - Yeah, I drank the blood.

GABRIELLE [takes in a deep breath and examines Xena's lips for blood] - Okaaaaay. Go on. [mumbles under her breath]. Remind me to never kiss you on the lips ever again.

XENA - What?

GABRIELLE [smirks] - Nothing. Go on.

XENA - So I met an evil shamaness and her pretty young I mean, her,um, apprentice, talked to some dead Amazons, agre---

GABRIELLE - What did she look like?

XENA - Who?

GABRIELLE - The pretty young, um, apprentice.

XENA - I don't know. Young. Pretty.


XENA - And nothing.

GABRIELLE - Come on, Xena. What did she look like? Blonde, brunette, redhead....?

XENA - Well, she was, um, she was (pause)... blonde.

GABRIELLE - Blonde? Xena!

XENA - That was 10 winters ago!


XENA - Are you going to let me finish?

GABRIELLE - Yeah, okay, we'll come back to her later.

XENA - Okay, so I agreed to find the dead Amazons' magic word, fought the Berserker, [that was a toughie!], sweated in a hut with another pretty young I mean, a young Amazon in train---

GABRIELLE - Another pretty young thing?

XENA - Gabrielle, nothing happened. She was way too young for me.

GABRIELLE - About my age?

XENA [irritated] - Yes, I.I.I...mean no. You're not too young for me.

GABRIELLE - But she was my age?

XENA - [exasperated] I don't know, I didn't ask her for I.D.

GABRIELLE - Maybe you should have.

XENA [rolls her eyes] - Gabrielle...

GABRIELLE - Okay, okay, go on, we'll come back to her later.

XENA - So I crashed Cyane's sweat party, danced with the Amazons, chased evil spirits from the Maybeline poster grrl, dreamt---

GABRIELLE - Okay, so who's Cyane? Yet another pretty young thing?

XENA - Oh, for Zeus' sake. That was 10 winters ago!


XENA - I had to re-live my past in order to get to the Land of the Dead. Trust me, it wasn't easy. Come on, Gabrielle, do you really want us to fight on your first day back? Come here.

[Xena puts her arm around Gabrielle and holds her tight. Gabrielle leans in to Xena, enjoying the comfort of her strong warrior arms.]

XENA - Okay, where was I?

GABRIELLE - Who's Cyane?

XENA [gives Gabrielle "The Look". Gabrielle stares right back, expectant] - Okay, okay, I'll tell you. She was an Amazon leader from Siberia.


XENA - [pause] Yeeeeesssss.


XENA - A-ha! nothing. She's dead now. Does that make you feel better?

GABRIELLE - No. You know Dead doesn't mean diddly around here.

XENA - Trust me, she's not coming back. [mumbles under her breath] Unless the writers get deluged with email.

GABRIELLE - All right, all right. So what else happened?

XENA - Okay. So I dreamed you were a spidah but thank the gods you didn't say "help me", went into a trance, found out Solan was cursed, poured some blood, kill---

GABRIELLE - Did you drink that blood too?

XENA - No, we poured it on some deadheads to form a charm circle.

GABRIELLE - That's good. [creases her brow] I think.

XENA - So then I killed a bunch of Amazon leaders, poured some more blood, did the mass neck-pinch thi---

GABRIELLE - Hold on a sec. Wait a minute! You killed a bunch of Amazon leaders?

XENA [remorseful] - Wiped them out, really.

GABRIELLE - Were they evil?

XENA - No, I was.


XENA - That was 10 winters ago.

GABRIELLE - That's your mantra, right? Ten-win-ters-ago. Ten-win-ters-ago. Ten-win-ters-ago.

[Xena gives Gabrielle "The Look"]

GABRIELLE - Okay, okay, we'll come back to that later. Go on.

XENA - So 10 winters ago, I killed those Amazons, poured some more blood, did the mass neck-pinch thi---

GABRIELLE - Excuse me? You poured some more blood? Xena, how much blood did you spill on this little adventure?

XENA - I don't know. A lot. You'd be surprised how much it took to bring you back. It got pretty gory.

GABRIELLE - I bet. Go on.

XENA - So I collected Amazon spirits, had a flying fight in the trees, got a glimpse of the future, did some---

GABRIELLE - What did that look like?

XENA - What?

GABRIELLE - The future?

XENA - Fights, fire, snow, swords, crucifixes. You know, the usual. I did more fly fighting, got some blood on my hands---

GABRIELLE - More blood? What were you, on the rag?

XENA [raises her eyebrow] - So then I realised you were alive, kicked some Maybelline butt, figured out the magic word. Then I came home.

GABRIELLE - And I'm glad you did. Let me see your hands again?

[Xena holds out her hands to reveal the circle of blood in the middle.]

GABRIELLE - Ooh, did that hurt?

XENA - A little, but it was worth it.

GABRIELLE - Let me kiss it and make it better. [Gabrielle begins to plant tiny kisses on Xena's palms]

XENA - Gabrielle, did I mention it hurt a lot? Worse than Tartarus. Way worse than Tartarus. Yeah, it hurt a whole lot.



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