A FIN Parody

"Mother, May I Sleep with Thracians? A Musical Homage to Love,
Redemption, and Gratuitous Violence"

by Antony Girl & Dio

Part 2 of 2


Meanwhile, somewhere in the Greek Islands, the lovely and talented Antony Girl is lying on a chaise, awaiting the return of her companion, the tall and ruggedly handsome Amazon, “Antonia.”  Suddenly, AG shivers as a dark figure approaches, casting a shadow over her bronzed, scantily-clad skin… 


AG:  [shading her eyes against the glare of the Mediterranean sun] Oh, for the love of…  How many times do I have to tell you people--I do NOT want a souvlaki daiquiri!  Now get lost, Zorba!

Dio:  Hello, AG. 

AG:  You!  What the hell are you doing here?

Dio:  That genteel Southern charm just oozes out of your very pores, doesn’t it?  Or is that Ouzo?

AG:  [cocking a disdainful, perfectly-shaped eyebrow] What do you want?

Dio:  [longingly regarding AG's still-expressive eyebrows--she knew she should never have gone to Guatamala for those botox injections!]  I want you.

AG:  Dio, I’m flattered, and maybe a little curious--we are on the Isle of Lesbos, after all--but…

Dio:  Get over yourself, you twice-baked twit.  I assure you I couldn’t be less interested in you that way.  I’ll leave that particular chore to that Amazonian "himbo" of yours.  But for now, you’re coming with me.  Get her, girls!

AG:  [AG is suddenly jumped by a group of Hellenic rent-a-thugs] What the feta?!?

Dio:  I’m sorry, AG, but we have a story to finish.  All those people are waiting!  …And I want another award!

AG:  You sick, expressionless bastard!

Dio:  I’m doing you a favor, AG.  One more day in the sun and you’ll look like week-old baklava.  [to the rent-a-thugs]  To the Casino, girls. 

AG:  [struggling]  Nooooo!!!!





Mother, May I Sleep with Thracians?  Part II


Narrator:  Previously, on “Xena…”


X:  You saw Ahkickme?  How’d she look?  Is she seeing anyone?  Did she mention me?

Yo!DoesShe?:  Mmm…  Sprinkles…

Kenny:  Who was that demon?!
Ahkickme:  The Lord of the Doughland. He’s preparing an army to wage war on the competition in Hoochee Coochee, and eventually the entire known world. 

X: Here, feel this?

G:  [blushes] Xena!!  Not here!  Somebody might be watching… 

X:  I just wanted you to know everything I know.  You know, in case you have to “handle things” later for yourself for some reason.  Now, let’s go.  We’ve got a battle to win.


[The Present, Way down upon the Swinee River…]


G:  It’s quiet…  Too quiet…  [waiting until a plaintive fiddle soundtrack kicks in]  Oh yeah, that’s better… 

Xenas’ VO: Gabrielle, what would you do?  …what would you do?  Taste not just the filling, but the filling inside the filling…inside the filling…  Hellooo?  …hellooo?  …hellooo?  Echooo…  echooo…  echooo…  Luke… Luke… Luke…  I am your father…  father…  father…

Kenny:  What is it, Gabrielle?

G:  It’s Xena!  …I think she’s trapped in a well! 


[Nearby, at the Battle of Old Lusty, where the ominous sound of banjo plucking grows nearer…]


X: [running onto the battlefield, slightly out of breath, fair to partly kabobbed] Whew!  Sorry I’m late, guys--I got turned around and ended up downrange at an Olympic archery trial and…

Kiwi Samurai:  [WHACK!!!]




Later, at the Krispy Kreme Teahouse of the August Moon…


X: [enters, realizes she is nude, and snatches two panels of the velvet curtains down from the windows]

Ahkickme:  You came in my dreams--and I thought, “Damn, I’m good.”  Now you’re here in reality and my heart is skipping like Richard Simmons on the way to a Ricky Martin concert. 


Meanwhile, back at the Battle of Old Lusty…


G: [watching as Harry Carey scurries across I-95 with a spatula] What’s Harry doing?

Kenny:  His job--dodging speeding semis on the interstate to collect fresh possum and raccoons for dinner.

G: [turning green] 

Kenny: We call it Sasquishimi.

Harey Carey: [calling out from the median] Hey, Kenny!  I found us a ‘dillo for dessert!

G: [drops to her knees, gagging] 


Back at the Krispy Kreme…


Ahkickme:  I want to write a verse to express how I feel…but my MontBlanc is out of ink.  How about an interpretive dance instead?  [starts twirling and jumping around]

X:  Uh, thanks, but…no.  Ahkickme, I’ve been in the underworld before…  I did a few jobs for the Cosa Nostra and the Russian Mafia--they were like family to me.  But this is different.  Whaaaazzzup?

Ahkickme:  Our bodies?  They’re an illusion projected on digicam by Yo!DoesShe?  I’m really 38-21-36.

X: Funny.  That’s not the way I remember you…

[The plate-paper windows of the store are once again torn to shreds, as Yo!DoesShe? arrives suddenly in a cloud of flour and powdered sugar, blasting Xena to the ground.]

X: [in her best Southern waitress voice] I’m at your service, Lord Yo!DoesShe?  Now what’ll it be, hon?

Yo!DoesShe?:  You got that right, little filly!  You’ll be spending an eternity playing the whore to service Big Daddy’s appetite for jelly-filled pastry!  [doing a celebratory karate chop]  Ha!  Now, let’s see…  [scanning the bakery case] Big Daddy wants… two dozen bear claws… a dozen Thracian Cremes… a half-dozen crullers, and… a non-fat latte--to go!  [takes the bag, leaves two dinars on the nightstand, and runs through the plate-paper window]

Ahkickme: [muttered] Oh, for crying out loud…  That’s the third plate-paper window I’ve had to replace this week…

X: [calling after Yo!DoesShe?] Thanks!  Enjoy!  Y’all come back now, ya here?

Ahkickme: Oh, Xena!  I was so worried!  Yo!DoesShe? is very dangerous--especially if we run out of crullers…  I’m glad you took care of him.

X:  Oh, I’ll take care of him all right.  I’m going to destroy Yo!DoesShe?  Nobody leaves me a two-dinar tip!  Cheap evil b*stard…

Ahkickme:  Oh, okay.  Sounds good.  [whispered] Be careful.  You know you’re being watched.

Flo: [ten feet away, squinting at Xena through a telescope] Ooh, baby!  Mama like!  Can I get some fries with that shake?  Rawr, rawr!

X: [whispering] If she tries to follow me, shoot her.


Later, in the forest nearby…


G:  Xena!

X:  Gabrielle!  What are you doing here?

G:  I was so worried about you.  I found your chakram—now I see why.  No place to hang it on the new outfit, huh?  …Are you wearing curtains? 

X:  Gabrielle, I’m going to kill the Lord of the Doughland.

G:  Good!  I hate that Michael Flatley!  Always stomping around like some kind of fruit…

X:  No, no--that’s the Lord of the Dance.

G:  [sighs] Oh.  Well, you’ll still need this.  [tries to hand Xena the chakram]

X:  [whose hand passes right through it] I can’t take that…  I’ve got nowhere to hang it on this outfit…

G: [gasps] Haley Joel Osment!  You’re dead!

X:  Actually, I think it’s just a head cold.  These curtains are kinda drafty…




G: You're dead!  How could you let yourself be killed?
X: I swear I was thinking about you the whole time!  I was screaming your name and thinking about your eyes and, well… I’m sorry, Gabrielle.  I guess I just lost my head...
G:  Is that supposed to be funny?

X: Well, it’s a little funny…  Oh, come on, honey!  I’m only slightly dead…  Hey, it’s me--remember?  We’ve overcome death before in, what?  How many episodes?  Only by becoming dead--which I do so well--could I hope to kill Yo!DoesShe? and free those, uh, thirty-seven souls that I condemned to torment.

G:  Wh--?  What kind of insane monkey logic is that?  Have you lost your mind?

X:  Well, duh… 

Harry Carey: [holding up two flattened, furry carcasses by their tails] Who wants lunch?

G: [whipping out a can of Lysol] Harry Carey, don’t you come near me!

X:  Put down the disinfectant, Gabrielle.  He’s working with me…we’re on the 8:00 till midnight shift.

G:  He works at the Krispy Kreme?  I KNEW those “Bear Claws” looked too realistic…

[Suddenly, Flo comes running out of the bushes towards Gabrielle.]

Flo:  [brandishing two razor-sharp sporks] If I can’t have her no one can!

Harry Carey:  [killing her with kindness] Die, b*tch…please?

Flo:  [dies]

X:  The anklet!  I want her anklet!

G:  I call the earrings!


Back at the Krispy Kreme…


X:  Ahkickme, this is my soul mate, Gerbil. 

G:  Gabrielle.

X:  Whatever.  [to Ahkickme]  Hey, do you like my anklet?  It’s new…

Harry Carey:  [to Gabrielle] I have just one question…  Would you like to kill her if she weren’t already dead?

G:  Without hesitation.

Kenny:  There is a way, Gabrielle.  Take her body, burn it, then sprinkle jimmies on the ashes and dump the whole unholy mess into the hazardous waste bin near the Soda Fountain of Strength inside the Stoned Mountain Woolworth’s. 

G:  Sounds good.

Kenny:  Oh, one catch…  You have to do it before the first rainy day after the last full moon in a month ending in “R.” 

G:  [mentally calculating] That’s tomorrow.  …Um, is there any other time we could do this?  ‘Cause I have my power yoga class tomorrow and…

Kenny:  Harry Carey will say the necessary incantations for you to buy off on the whole premise.

X:  Gabrielle, this is Ah-

G:  Skank.

Ahkickme:  B*tch.

G:  Hack.

Ahkickme:  Bite me.

Kenny: [stepping between them as the tension approaches “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane” levels] Gabrielle can’t help with the work in the bakery.  She knows what she has to do.  Go on now, scoot…

Ahkickme:  Wait.  I’d like to give you something.  [hauls off and punches Gabrielle in the mouth]  Ha!  How’d ya like that knuckle sandwich?

X:  [wincing] That’s gonna leave a mark.  Well, good luck, old fishing buddy.

G:  I am getting your body back, Xena.  And then all bets are off.  I might hide it.  I might sell it to a medical school in Belize.  Maybe I’ll get tired and take a nap on a rock and not wake up until next year.  Don’t think I won’t--I’ve done it before.

X:  [gulps]


Later, near the samurai camp at the foot of Stoned Mountain, Gabrielle spots Xena’s dead body near the trees…and also over there near those other trees…


Kiwi Samurai:  [mistaking Gabrielle for the girl from the “escort” service] I’ve been expecting you!  Give me, uh, head!  Your friend was good, but being dead and all, she wasn’t the best I’ve ever had…

G:  You call yourself honorable?

Kiwi Samurai: No…  I don’t think I did…  [looks confused, then brightens considerably]  Oh, I get it!  Okay, I’ll be the judge, and you be the court bailiff…

G:  You killed my friend, you--you jerk-off!

Kiwi Samurai: No, that’s your job, my little spitfire!  Rawr!  [lunges for Gabrielle]

G:  [hearing the telltale squeak of cheap shoes on mud, Gabrielle anticipates his move and conks him on the head with a spatula]

Kiwi Samurai: Ow…

G:  You are so not a samurai.

Kiwi Samurai: [gingerly rubbing his ponytailed pate] Am too!

G: What kind of ultimate warrior wears Florsheims? 

Kiwi Samurai: A right sexy one, baby—rawr!

G:  [shudders] Look, Pony Boy, just put Xena’s head in a doggie bag for me and I’ll be on my way.

Kiwi Samurai: Afraid of my masculine prowess, are you? [blocking her path] I’m sorry, my little rent-a-vixen, I can’t let you go so easily…

G:  What’s wrong with you?  Do you WANT me to kick your ass?

Kiwi Samurai: It was the greatest honor of my life to be b*tch-slapped by you.

G:  Sweet merciful crap. 

Kiwi Samurai: If I cannot do you, then I ask you, at least knock me around a little…

G: [knocking him out cold with the pommel of her spatula] Don’t have to ask me twice.




Back inside the Krispy Kreme, where Yo!DoesShe? has been lured by the smell of baking doughnuts…


Harry Carey: [chanting] Imabuddhistsweetie…Imabuddhistsweetie…Omm…

Yo!DoesShe?:  Huh?  Where’s Flo?!

[Xena jumps from behind the counter and pinches Yo!DoesShe? with the sacred Katongas]

Yo!DoesShe?:  Ow!  [dissolves into little droplets of hot grease, reforms, and then snatches the sacred Katongas from Xena]  Yoink!  [pinches off Kenny’s head]

X:  Oh my God!  You killed Kenny!  You b*stard!

Yo!DoesShe?:  Ghost killer!  So, we finally meet.  How’s it going?

Harry Carey: Good.  You?

Yo!DoesShe?:  Not bad for a dead guy.  In fact, you should try it!  [stabs Harry in the stomach and runs out of the Krispy Kreme, sprinkles trailing in his wake] 


Meanwhile, on the side of Stoned Mountain…


G: [roasting s’mores over Xena’s funeral pyre, reading the best-selling scroll, “Women Who Run with Warlords”]  You will return to me, my friend.  …Or pay some hellacious palimony.  [sniffles]


Back at the Krispy Kreme…


X:  [comforting the dying Harry Carey] Harry, what went wrong?

Harry Carey: Beats the hell outta me! You’re the one with all the big Bruce Lee moves!  …I guess he could be drinking from the Soda Fountain of Strength on Stoned Mountain…  Or he could just be popping unholy doses of steroids...  One of the two.  Mystic soda water or steroids.  Well, off to that big Interstate in the sky—see ya…  [dies]


Near the summit of Stoned Mountain, Gabrielle is racing toward the Soda Fountain of Strength on horseback…


Kiwi Samurai: Hey there, foxy lady…

G:  Son of a…  Didn’t I already kick your ass?

Kiwi Samurai: I will not allow you to climb the mountain…  But you’re welcome to climb on top of me.  Rawr!

G:  Sorry, but you must be at least this tall to ride.   

Kiwi Samurai:  [jumping up and snatching the urn as Gabrielle holds it out, about Xena-height from the ground]  Ha!  Got your urn!  [trips and drops the urn off a cliff]  Oops…  My bad.

G:  Why I oughtta…




Meanwhile, at the Soda Fountain of Strength inside the Woolworth’s of Stoned Mountain--a great place to meet and eat with nice people…


Yo!DoesShe?: [to the soda jerk] Big Daddy wants a chocolate malt--and make it snappy!

Soda Jerk: [who was called that for a reason] Make it yourself, fatso.  I’m on a break.  [hopping over the counter and walking outside for a smoke]

Yo!DoesShe?: [calling after the soda jerk]  Big Daddy’s not fat!  He’s just carrying a few extra holiday ghosts!  [fiddling with the shake machine]  Come on…  Come on!

Xena: [with Ahkickme, holding the sacred Katongas] Now, now…  You don’t want to spoil your dinner, do you? 

Yo!DoesShe?:  What?!  My own niece?!

X:  Niece?  I thought you were his daughter!

Ahkickme:  I am.  …It IS the South, you know.

X:  Ew…

Yo!DoesShe?:  [blowing a fierce wind of jimmies at Xena and Ahkickme]

X:  Ugh!  That breath!

Ahkickme:  You think he’s bad?  You should’ve seen our last evil master--the Lord of the Onion Rings.

X: [fingers slipping from the bar stool, Xena is suddenly blown outside] Yarrrgh!!!

Ahkickme:  XENA!!  [to Yo!DoesShe?]  Dad!!!  You do that to all my girlfriends!

Yo!DoesShe?: Can I help it if I’m overprotective?  [switching from blow to suck, inhales Ahkickme with one mighty breath, then chases her with a swig of his chocolate malt]  Mmm…  Infanticidelicious… 


Just outside the Stoned Mountain Woolworth’s…


X: [lying on the ground]  Urrrggghh…

G: [rushing over to her fallen friend] Xena?  Xena,what happened?

X:  I slipped in the shower--what do you think happened?  I’m dead.  Still.

G:  You don’t have to be such a grouch…  Sheesh.  You always get so cranky when you’re dead. 

X:  Sorry.  [gasping]  Strength…  Soda fountain…   Water…  Get water…  Fountain water…

G: [wondering when Xena became dyslexic] What?  Oh, you mean the soda fountain?  It’s right in front, near the notions department.  [looking at Xena lying there in her flimsy red curtains, Gabrielle is getting some notions of her own]

X:  Water…

G:  Yeah, in a minute…  But first…  [kisses Xena] 

X:  Gabrielle…

G:  Mmm…  You kiss pretty good for a dead girl.

X:  [jumps up real fast and changes out of the red curtain ensemble and back into her de rigueur leather] Gabrielle, I need the sacred Katongas…  ‘Cause I’m gonna deep-fry me a lard ass.

G:  [hands Xena the Katongas, then glances at the setting sun] Look, Xena, the sun is setting…  Ooh, pretty…  You know, I have this funny feeling, like I was supposed to do something, but…

X:  Helllooo?  Ashes, ashes…  All fall down a cliff, remember?

G:  Oh, right…

Yo!DoesShe?:  [clearing throat]  Hellooo?  Am I the only one who wants to fight to the death here? 

X:  Uh, Gabrielle…

Yo!DoesShe?:  Oh, will you two just shut UP?  Come on!  [jumping onto the counter in a fabulous gold lamé ensemble, singing (To the tune of Elvis’ “A Little Less Conversation”]

A little less conversation, more confection please

All this damn loquation ain’t getting pastry in me

A little less natter, a little more batter

A little less chat, a little more fat

Close your mouth and open up your tongs and baby go deep-fry for me

Go deep-fry for me, baby

Come on, baby, I'm tired of grazing

Grab your tongs and let's start glazing

Come on, come on

Come on, come on

Come on, come on

Don't procrastinate ‘em, don't incinerate ‘em

Girls, it's getting late, I'm gettin' hungry waitin' 'round

A little less conversation, more confection please

All this damn loquation ain’t getting pastry in me

A little less natter, a little more batter

A little less chat, a little more fat

Close your mouth and open up your tongs and baby go deep-fry for me

Go deep-fry for me, baby

X:  All right, all right!  I’ll kick your ass!  Just stop singing already…  Sheesh.

Yo!DoesShe?:  You are about to join the 40,000 Thracian Cremes I had for breakfast, Xena!  And after that, the first thing I’ll do is—go to Disneyland! 

X:  [growled] You won’t live that long.  …Seriously—they’re not even going to open the park for another two thousand years.

Yo!DoesShe?: You see, the thing about that is—yoink!  [snatches the sacred katongas from Xena]

X:  Son of a biscuit! 

Yo!DoesShe?:  “Tongs” for the memories, Xena!  Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha! [preparing to pinch her head off]

X:  [picking up a stray cruller from the Woolworth’s debris]  You like donuts?  Eat this!  [hurls the cruller chakram-style at Yo!DoesShe’s neck]

Yo!DoesShe?:  D’oh!  [dies…really]

X: [smirking]  Ladies and Gentlemen, Big Daddy has left the building….


Meanwhile, Gabrielle has retrieved Xena’s ashes from the cliffs with the help of her Lil’ Bastard Rappeling Kit…


Kiwi Samurai: Miss me?

G:  Well, no.  I think the restraining order was quite clear on that point…

Kiwi Samurai: You’re right--I’ve been ever so naughty.  I deserve to be spanked!

G:  Oh, for the love of…  [grabs Xena’s chakram from her belt and, setting it to “stun,” ricochets the round killing thingee off his right frontal lobe then, surprising herself, catches it with ease as the music swells (To the tune of Marilyn Monroe’s “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend”…]

I used to love my little stick

Thought whacking awfully thrilling

But now I’ve found something that’s round

And made for brutal killing

A staff in the hand may be quite sentimental

But chakrams are a girl’s best friend

A staff may be grand, but it won’t dent the metal

Of a warlord’s hat, or gut a carp in two secs flat

Sais grow weak as bootstraps creak

But at least they aren’t topped with a beak

But light, dark, or as one

A chakram’s just plain fun

Chakrams are a girl’s best friend

Dismembering…  Injuries… 

Black eyes, chipped teeth… 

Talk to me, God of War, tell me all about ‘em! 

I used to just talk till the bad guys were illin’ 

But chakrams are a girl’s best friend

There may come a time when some psycho blonde villain

Breaks one on your back

But by next season you’re back on track

Xe’s your mate when times are great

But beware when in the Or-i-ent

It’s then that your princess will get all pen-i-tent

Chakrams are a girl’s best friend

I’ve heard that the Gauls really dig catapultin’

But chakrams are a girl’s best friend

And I think that short swords are completely revoltin’

You call that a knife?  Well, I feel sorry for your wife

Time rolls on and youth is gone

And you can’t stand to bare your midriff

But saddlebagged or saggy

You can still toss a Frisbee


—I don’t mean shamrocks

But chakrams—

Are a girl’s best

Best friend


Meanwhile, a veritable sushi bar of blue squid are squiggling out of the recently truncated transvestite…


Ahkickme Squid: [reunited with her ghostly banjo, she begins to yodel (To the tune of Evita’s “I’d Be Surprisingly Good for You”…] Warr-i-or Pot.

X:  Schem-ing East-ern Skank.

Ahkickme Squid & X:  I’ve heard so much about you.

Ahkickme Squid:  I am amazed, for I’m only an extra, one of the thousands of Kiwis who’ve filled in this slot.

X:  I am amazed, for I’m only an ash can, nothing to shout about now that I’m only a pot.

Ahkickme Squid:  But when you act, the things you do affect us all.

X:  But when you act, you take me away from the splendor of the real world.  Are you here for very long?

Ahkickme Squid:  Yes, oh yes.

X:  What a loss!  An unfortunate turn of events.  Maybe you’ll go away if I shut my lid real tight…

Ahkickme Squid:  Your best pal’s crazy now, she’s babbling

About that round killing thing in her hand

Her bardic musings are just dabbling

If she wrote greeting cards she would get canned

So please understand I was good for you

You taught me how to apply the pinch

Thirty seconds later, pops was toast

Now you’re back together with that wench

Only now you’re just a friendly ghost

But I really suppose

I was good for you

I was surprisingly good for you

I won’t try to defend the plot

But I saved your soul, helped you out a lot

Now you live in a pot and you have got

To stop taking these cheap shots

I’m not saying I was some Lao Ma

Spouting wisdom like a human spring

Least I let you have one last hoorah

Then played you like a puppet on a string

All indicating I was good for you

I was surprisingly good for you

X: Do shut up, you annoy me

Even after I did Yo!DoesShe?

You’re still here, bugging me and goading me

I knew I should’ve killed you

Ahkickme Squid: Come with me, Xena!  We’ll reopen the Krispy Kreme together--just think how many Thracian Cremes I could make with eight arms!  We’ll be rolling in the dough—literally!  Come on, it’ll be like old times…

 X:  Uh, I dunno…

G:  Drop the banjo, mother plucker! 

X:  Gabrielle!

Ahkickme Squid:  Well, if it isn’t the bland bombshell…

G:  Get away from my warrior, you manipulative mollusk!

Ahkickme Squid:  Was it Plato, or perhaps Samantha Fox, who said, “Naughty girls need love, too?”

G:  All right!  You asked for it, Octopussy!  [whistling]

Ghost of Kiwi Samurai:  You rang, baby?
G: Kiwi Samurai, meet Ahkickme, the girlfriend-stealing hack.  Please note that she has six additional arms—all the better to spank you with. Ahkickme, meet your new stalker.

GOKS:  Enchantress!

Ahkickme Squid:  [running, er, swimming away]  Eek!  Get your tentacles off me, you perv!  Noooo!

G:  Rest in peace, Ahkickme.  We’ll meet again one day.  In a dark alley.  [to Xena]  Well, that takes care of that…  Now let’s rehydrate us a warrior princess!  [reading the label on the urn]  Mix one part ashes with two parts mystic fountain water, one part triple sec, a dash of grenadine, shake, and garnish with lemon…

X:  No, Gabrielle

G:  Xena, the sun is setting—it’s happy hour.  Live a little.  Here have some chips and salsa…they’re free.

X:  The chips are free, but I’m not.

G:  What are you saying?  Your asking price per episode just went up—again?  Who do you think you are, Matt LeBlanc?

X:  If I come back, we’ll have to do a seventh season.  But we’ll never be able to explain this episode…  It’s ridiculous.

G:  But, Xena, that is not RIGHT!

X:  Don’t you know how much this show has meant to me?  Why, the syndication rights and merchandising alone have made me millions.  But six years is enough, isn’t it?  So this is the finale—it’s not so good, but it seems like the right thing to do…

G:  I don’t care!  You think you’re all that matters?   Think again, talk, dark, and greedy!  Just because you’re married to the producer—

X:  The writer and the director, too.

G:  Like I said…the producer.  [sniffs]  How can you go on without me?

X:  Ha!  You’re pregnant by some guy who wasn’t even on the show!  It’s bad enough with all those Valkyrie groupies lurking about.  “The beauty within you burns like a star, Gabrielle.”  “Oh, Bwunhilda, you’re so wovewy…”

G:  Oh, right!  Like you never slept around!  Does the name Antony ring any bells?  [Editor’s note:  He certainly rings mine!  Rawr!] 

X:  Look, none of this stuff matters.  The point is that I have to die.  It says right here in the script that there’s a hole in my heart that only my death can fill.

G:  You have heartworms?

X:  No, it’s a plot hole.  I can’t come back.  I can’t—they’ve written me into a corner.  Look, I’m starting to fade here—it’s been a long day.  I—

Ghost of Harry Carey:  [clears throat]

X:  Harry Carey!  What are you doing here?

GOHC:  Well, I was talking to Flo over on the other side and it seems there was a teensy bit of a mix up. 

X:  What kind of mix up?

GOHC:  Well, my memory ain’t what it used to be, but apparently, you didn’t so much burn 40,000, er, 37 people as 37 donuts.

G:  Sweet deceased Athena!  Xena!  Did you hear that?  You don’t have to stay dead!  Everything’s okay now!

GOHC:  Well, not quite.  You burned 47 dinars worth of grade-A pastry, Xena—you’ll have to pay for that.

X:  Uh, I think I left my wallet in my other urn…


Later, in the galley kitchen of the Krispy Kreme…


G: A lifetime of working in this dump has brought us no closer to paying off that scavenging weasel. 

X:  But it has brought us closer together.  I must admit I’m impressed—I had no idea you were such a gifted pastry chef.

G:  Ah put the ‘zing’ in glazing…

X:  You do indeed…  [her eyes glazing over like one of Gab’s perfect pastries]  You know, I’m starting to feel a little faint…  I think I could use a jelly transfer…

G:  I knew you’d say that. 

X: [smirking]





Meanwhile, the ultra-hip preview audience of the new “Xena: Warrior Princess” movie mixes in the lobby of the Museum of Television, Radio, and Interpretive Dance…


Dio:  OMG!  AG, look!  It’s Ben Affleck!  And Catherine Zeta-Jones!  And isn’t that Ashton Kutcher-Moore?

AG:  Poodle!  Stop pointing!  You look like a tourist…

Dio:  [getting up off the floor, where she had been pointing, back stiff, nose straight ahead] So, what did you think of the movie?

AG:  I dunno…  It kinda seemed like one big fight scene to me.  And could Sam and Frodo be any more gay?  I kept expecting them to make out!  “Oh, Mr. Frodo, you’re SO brave…”  “Oh, Sam…”

Dio:  AG, you ignorant slut!  That was “The Two Towers!” 

AG:  Was not!  It had Caesar and Bellerophon and…very little ululating.  Oops.

Dio:  How could you watch the wrong movie?!

AG:  I’m sorry, Poodle…  I didn’t mean to!  I was right behind you until I spotted Sarah Michelle Gellar going into the other theater and…

Dio:  AG, we’ve talked about this.  She wants to make movies--there will be no season eight.  Let it go.

AG:  [sobbing] BUFFFFYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Dio:  I need a drink.


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