Impulse: Book
Four
MOVING ON
Impulse:
A sudden inclination or urge
The American
Heritage dictionary
By Mezzo
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(see
INSTALLMENT
ONE)
Copyright:
Copyright
© 2002 by Mezzo All Rights Reserved
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INSTALLMENT
SIX
The
two sat at a booth in the back of the pub. The
waiter had just arrived to take their orders.
Ladies
will you be eating with us or just having drinks?
Tori looked at Jenna and the teacher shrugged her
shoulders.
I
havent eaten a thing so I better get something to coat my stomach if were
going to be drinking. Tori looked at Jenna and nodded.
Ill
have whatever shes having. The
waiter looked at Tori and she took a quick look at the menu.
How
does a Jameson and Fish and Chips sound? Tori waited for Jennas approval.
You could hardly tell that Tori had beaten the stuffing
out of Jenna a little while ago.
Thats
fine. Jenna nodded to the waiter who
smiled, took their menus, then went to place their order.
So
where were we? Ah yes. You wanted to know what
Brett saw in me. Well it was more like what I
saw in her, which you obviously know already. Back
then, I was a manipulative, conniving bitch, for lack of a better description. But fitting just the same. Brett possessed all the qualities that I
lacked and I was drawn to her as darkness is to light.
I wanted to bask in her joy and bathe in her exuberance. I had never felt anything like what I felt in those
days with Brett. And instead of cherishing and nurturing it, I tried to control it. Brett on the other hand was so trusting and so
willing to love, she never once questioned if I was right for her. I almost felt like a cause for her at times. A pet project for her to mold
and develop. Rather like an experiment in unconditional love. But it really wasnt an experiment. Brett was
just being Brett. Jennas face got
very sad and tears were pooling at the corner of her eyes.
You
see
. all my life I had been fighting for attention.
Add that to the fact that my parents were rich and gave me a credit card when I was
twelve. They gave me everything except their
love. I learned at a very young age that
people and things could be bought and that everyone had a weakness. I learned to find that weakness and exploit it.
. I see from the look in your eyes that you understand this. Tori looked at Jenna
and urged her to continue.
Well,
I spent a good portion of my time trying to get my parents attention. Even if it
meant making them fly home from wherever they were and bail me out of jail or answer a
call from the police department about a party that I had thrown. The heights and lengths Id go to outrage them
just to get their attention got worse and worse to the point that soon even they
couldnt cover it up after awhile. Amazingly enough, I had good grades. I was accepted to any school of
my choosing, and this was my parents out. They
told me that they would pay for my tuition, housing, and allowance every year but I was
never to step foot in their home again. It
wasnt like it was ever my home in the first place.
But it didnt stop me from wanting it just the same. When I met Brett, she offered me something
that I had been looking for my whole life. And yet when I was given that gift, all I could
do was focus on how to keep it from disappearing. I
got jealous at every little thing. Bretts
friends, family, work, and please
when I met you that day on Bretts birthday,
I knew that she belonged with you. Oh how I
hated you. I prayed that Brett would look at
me the way that she looked at you. That light
that I saw in her eyes got even brighter that day when you two looked at each other at the
apartment. You have no idea, what that did to
me.
Jenna
now let the tears come and she took a long draw from her drink. But even though it was killing Brett to not
be with you, I still couldnt let her go. And Brett being an honorable woman,
wouldnt leave. She would stay with me no
matter what. I would constantly get jealous,
insult her, and berate her. Id pick
fights with her family and make her choose between us.
I did everything I could to test her. To
prove that she was just like everyone else and that she would leave me. I was my own self fulfilling prophecy. My own worst nightmare. Jenna
took a moment to calm her nerves and looked to see if Tori had
anything to say. Tori
on the other hand just gave Jenna the room to talk. She
took a sip over her drink and a bite of her meal.
Go
on Jenna. Im listening. Tori found that Jenna had indeed taken the time to think about her
life and found up to this point she understood Jennas actions.
I
could see the light in Bretts eyes getting dimmer and dimmer and I knew I was the
cause. But like a leach, I wanted it all. One night I came home to find Brett studying with,
I swear, an exact replica of you. Jenna
rolled her eyes and Tori gave her dirty look.
And
that was the first time that I lost it. It
just took one moment of uncontrolled anger to change ones destiny forever. I threw the girl out. And when Brett questioned my
actions, I hauled off and slapped her clear across the room. Jenna could see the change in Toris demeanor
almost immediately and knew that the woman was just moments from losing control again. But
she continued.
To
this day I dont know why I hit her. I just know that its a part of me. Brett asked me at the time to get help and I went
as far as going to two appointments. By the
second appointment, the doctor had already diagnosed me and I wasnt ready or willing
to hear what she had to say. Therefore, I
left. I lied to Brett and pretended to go to the doctor. When Brett asked to accompany me,
I gave Brett an excuse that the doctor thought this was something I had to do by myself
and that Brett wasnt allowed to accompany me to my appointments. It worked for a while. Until Brett started getting offers from various
schools and publishing houses. I had already secured my first real position at the
university and I was starting to feel afraid that Brett would eventually leave. She came to me one night and told me she was
considering taking a position here in
Tori
just sat there. If it was anyone else but
Brett maybe, she wouldnt feel such anger. But then again no one deserved what Jenna
had done. She thought about what Jenna had
revealed and found that a part of Jennas words made sense to her. She didnt agree with it. She most certainly didnt like it and a part
of her still wanted to kill the math professor. But
to what gain? For the first time she understood what Brett was trying to do. She was trying to stop the cycle of violence that
would surely perpetuate if Jenna hadnt gotten help.
Jenna
wiped at her eyes and cleared her throat. I
woke up the next day in the psyche ward. I was
sedated and I wasnt at all coherent. I
spent the next few months acting like a caged animal. When the doctor asked what I
remembered, I said didnt remember anything. Then I made excuses and eventually, even
the excuses sounded hollow to me. I woke up
one morning and thought about Brett and everything she had ever offered me. I felt remorse
for the first time in my life. Up to that
point, I had a reason to do what I did. An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth.
Like actions. Like consequences. However, I
had no excuse as far as Brett was concerned. She
offered unconditional love and I truly became no better than that which I hated. It was that day I sat in front of the doctors and
accepted the responsibility for my actions. Jenna
took a sip and knew what she needed to say next.
Now,
Victoria Hull
.. You want to know what Im doing here? Youre right. I had an ulterior motive. I have to admit that I wasnt surprised to see
you with Brett. And yet a part of me was too proud to think that I didnt have a
chance. I have spent the last four years
trying to be someone that I could be proud of. I
wanted to be me, Jenna Carlisle. Not someone my parents molded me to be or what my
countless relatives told me I would never become. But
someone I chose to be. Someone that I had hoped that Brett could love. I figured that if she could love the maniac that I
was, maybe she could love the person that I had become.
But just as you walked away six years ago, I know that thats what I must do
now. I screwed up and I know it. But knowing Brett, can you blame me for wanting to
at least try? Jenna looked at Tori to try and decipher what she might be thinking but her face
remained a blank at the moment.
Tori
took a last bite and took another sip of her Jameson.
She looked at her hands and thought about her next move. She shook her head and
thought about all the stupid things she had done in her own past. The story from the bible
about a stone kept ringing through her head. She
took one last sigh and looked at Jenna trying to see any deceit. She truly couldnt see any. So she took the
leap of faith that Brett had done all her life.
Well
thats quite a story youve got there.
Jenna looked at her and hung her head.
I
listened to you. Now you listen to me. It is a
story. Its one about your life and I can see that you understand it very well. I cant blame you for falling for Brett and
wanting to get her back. But Ive got to
tell you, youve got a snowballs chance. I
dont know what Brett and I have. But
weve always had it. Its bigger than the both of us. Ive done my share of unforgivable deeds, but
Brett accepts me none the less. However,
unlike you, Im not going to push her away. I
plan to spend the rest of my life making her happy. Unfortunately, thanks to you, I have
my work cut out for me. Thankfully, that light
that we love so much about Brett still burns brighter than the sun. And I will do
everything in my power to ensure that continues even if it means sitting in a pub across
from someone who I wanted to kill earlier today. Weve
both done things to Brett that have hurt her and I ask you now to let her be happy. I dont know how I got so lucky as to be the
one that Brett has chosen to love. Nevertheless,
I seem to have everything that she needs to make that possible. I promise to keep out of your life, if you promise
to give up this pursuit of Brett. I dont
like being the bad guy. Just like you, I just
want to love Brett and build a life with her, but someone has to walk away. And its
not going to be me this time. If you choose to
build a life here in
I
commend you for picking up the pieces of your life and I hope you find someone that you
can love and who will fully love you. Thank
you for allowing me to see you better and I hope we can finally put this behind us.
Tori
looked at her watch again and rose from her seat. Ive got to go meet Brett. Do you want to come? Tori motioned for Jenna
and she accepted. They paid the tab and left
to meet Brett.
TO BE CONTINUED. Installment Seven
Impulse: Book
Four
MOVING ON